The Loathe Boat/Script

The following is a transcript for the episode "The Loathe Boat."

Script[]

The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.

[Royal Woods Cemetery, early morning. A raven crows as Lucy bangs her gavel for a Mortician's Club meeting.]
Lucy: "I call this meeting of the Mortician's Club to order."
Dante: "This better be important. We're so not morning people."
Persephone: "Agreed."
Boris: "What he said."
Lucy: "I assure you, it's urgent." [snaps her fingers, a pelican flies over and lands on her head] "Last night, this flew into my house."
Haiku: "Shall we call animal control?"
Lucy: "No. It delivered a message." [The pelican expels water, leaving a deluge of fish and a letter. She reads it] "Dearest friends, it is I, Bertrand. I need you to rescue me at once. It's even written in fake blood. See?"
[She shows the letter. Everyone else gasps]
Haiku: "Our former president."
Dante: "But how can we rescue him? Isn't he stuck at sea on that horribly cheerful cruise ship with his parents?"
Lucy: "Bertrand said the boat will be docked on Lake Eddy for 24 hours, while they stock up on more peel and eat shrimp. Then it's back out to the sea for another year. Now's our only chance. Let's go save Bertrand."

[The S.S. Fun Times cruise ship is docked at Lake Eddy as passengers hand over tickets to Kim.]
Kim: "Woo! Have a great time!"
[The Morticians spy on her from a lamppost]
Lucy: "That's Kim, Bertrand's mom, head of security and conga line leader. The only way on this boat is through her with a ticket."
Persephone: "Where are we going to get tickets?"
Boris: "Yes, Boris forgot his wallet in his coffin."
[The pelican perches on Boris's head and then expels six tickets]
Lucy: "Six tickets, let's go."
Boris: "Oh, goodie. Boris gets to conga."
[They approach Kim]
Lucy: "Greetings, Bertrand's mom. We are here to visit our friend, Bertrand."
Kim: "Great! I'll take your tickets then."
Lucy: [hands over the slime-covered tickets] "Six to board."
[The Morticians continue forward]
Kim: "Woo! You kids have a blast!"
[The Morticians step on the deck of the ship]
Lucy: "Where is he? I don't see him."
[They spot Bertrand, now with his skin heavily tanned from being exposed to the sun for so long, wearing sunglasses, and cruise clothing]
Bertrand: [spots his friends] "My angels of death." [comes up to them and takes off his shades] "It's me!"
[The Morticians gasp]
Lucy: "Gasp. Bertrand? We didn't recognize you."
Haiku: "Yeah. You look different."
Dante: "And you have a suntan."
Bertrand: [gasps] "There's no time to dwell on my unfortunate new appearance. We must get to work. To my quarters!"
[They run off]

[Bertrand's room. He's back in his spooky outfit as he dumps morbid equipment in his suitcase]
Bertrand: "Thank you for coming." [closes his suitcase] "It wasn't a moment too soon." [grabs Lucy] "This ship is torturous." [Flashback to Bertrand attending bingo with a disco ball hanging over and people dancing] "Disco bingo..." [Second flashback to people wearing togas, having a party, and lifting Bertrand upwards] "Toga nights..."
Guests: "TOGA! TOGA!"
[Third flashback to Bertrand watching another guest on stage singing karaoke and leaning close to his face, slumping in boredom.]
Bertrand: "And the karaoke." [back to the present] "Oh, the karaoke!"
[The Morticians gasp, with Dante moaning, at Bertrand's plight.]
Lucy: "Gasp. Apologies, but I have to ask, why don't you tell your parents you're miserable? Won't they help?"
Bertrand: "Oh, dear Lucy, I have often tried to talk to 'my parents', but they never understand. Trust me, it'll be easier if I just slip away. I can find a nice tomb at the Royal Woods Cemetery to reside in."
Haiku: "But won't they notice you're gone?"
Bertrand: "Eventually. But I'll just send a pelican explaining everything, and surely they'll get over it." [sits on his suitcase] "So, what's the plan? We must think of something clever. With my mother guarding it, we just can't walk off the ramp."
Dante: "Right... uh, that wasn't our plan at all." [scribbles something off a piece of paper]
[Bertrand and Lucy hum in thought when Bertrand's suitcase opens, launching him up on the ceiling.]
Lucy: "Wait, I have an idea. We won't be walking you off the boat."

[Later, as Kim surveys the ramp, Bertrand is wearing a life ring tied to a rope attached to the pelican]
Bertrand: "Friends, are we quite sure this'll work? Pelicans are a fickle bird with an independent streak."
Lucy: "Don't worry. She'll fly you safely to shore. Unless she-" [Boris pushes Bertrand as the pelican flies, only for her to spot something and dive downwards] "-Sees a fish."
[The pelican dives underwater, leaving Bertrand floating in the sea. Suddenly his father shows up on deck]
Brad: "Hang on, B-train! I'm coming!" [dives in the water] "I am so proud of you, son. Trying out new activities for the guests, what? We are adding pelican rides to the cruise itinerary ASAP!" [chuckles]
Bertrand: "Father, I was trying to save my soul. I couldn't stand to be on board any longer."
Brad: "I know! Sometimes I just have to jump in too! The ocean just calls to ya."
Persephone: "OK, we need a new escape plan."

[A group of elderly people lounge around the pool as the Morticians carry a coffin with Bertrand inside.]
Dante: [acting] "So tragic. Shuffleboard game gone way wrong."
Haiku: "Bertrand, you OK in there?"
Bertrand: "Quite. I've never been so comfortable if I'm being truthful, hm."
Lucy: "We'll have you off the boat in a minute."
[Unfortunately the pelican lands in the pool, spilling water everywhere. Dante accidentally slips in the water with the Morticians following suit. They hit the edge of the deck as they drop the coffin, which lands in the water. Bertrand once more rises with the floatation device.]
Brad: "Way to go, B-train! Practicing for the water-treading contest. OK, come on." [grabs Bertrand and swims back to the ship] "It's almost time for bracelet weaving."

[Boris is now holding sunscreen with Bertrand on a slide.]
Boris: "This sunscreen will make you nice and greasy. So when you go down the slide, you will be propelled to freedom."
[He squirts the sunscreen on Bertrand]
Bertrand: "Oh, dear. Are you sure this is safe?"
Boris: "It's SPF 1001."
Bertrand: "No, I mean the-"
Lucy: "Keep straight, and the speed should take you right across to shore."
Boris: "Believe in yourself."
[He pushes Bertrand down the slide, with the sunscreen sliding off Bertrand]
Bertrand: "I'm gonna make it!"
[He then slams into the pelican and lands in the water, before re-emerging on a dolphin]
Persephone: "Hades' handbag. He just landed on a dolphin."
Lucy: "At least he looks friendly."
[Bertrand continues to ride the dolphin]
Brad: [riding his own dolphin] "Hey, B-train."
Morpheus: "OK, Brad is officially too much."
Brad: "You're getting into dolphin-riding too, son? You just keep surprising me. But we gotta get you back for the belly flop competition."
[He sets off on his dolphin as Bertrand's dolphin sinks and launches him belly-first into the pool as the guests cheer.]

[Bertrand heads back into his room with a belly flop burn on his chest]
Bertrand: "I shan't live through another belly flop competition." [collapses]
Lucy: "Sorry, Bertrand. But your parents are making it really hard to sneak you off this ship."
Bertrand: "And it's already dusk. Soon, it'll be morning, and the ship will depart. Perhaps it's a lost cause."
Boris: "Does this mean Boris's conga line lesson is cancelled?"
Bertrand: [gets an idea] "Wait! I have a new idea. If we cannot sneak off the ship, perhaps we can get the cruise cancelled. And we'll do it with our best talent, scaring others. We'll haunt every inch of this vessel. By morning, guests will be jumping off the sides to get away. Now who's with me, huh?"
Morticians: "Yay."

[Nightfall. The guests are having a dinner buffet when the lights start flickering]
Confused Woman: "Oh, what's with the lights?"
Lucy: [acting] "I, a normie like you, just saw a ghost. Run!"
[As Lucy runs off, Dante, dressed as a ghost, lowers himself near the guests.]
Dante: "Boo."
[The guests run off. Another guest removes the cover from a dish to find Boris's head and runs off screaming. Renee's mom is washing her hands when Haiku appears in the mirror and hisses, causing her to faint. Amidst the chaos, Dante helps himself to the buffet.]
Dante: "Baked crab legs..."
[Persephone dons a werewolf mask and chases two girls off near the pool. Meanwhile a man and a woman are in a sauna]
Man: "Quinn, all these romance vibes got me like, whoa. So there's something I gotta ask you." [takes out a ring] "Will you--"
[Boris surfaces from the pool.]
Boris: "I do."
[Quinn and the man run off screaming with Dante chasing them off.]
Singing Guy: [Back on the karaoke stage] "♫ Farewell, and adieu to you, Spanish ladies-- ♫"
[Suddenly, the microphone starts floating away, being pulled by a fishing line held by Morpheus. Bertrand takes it]
Bertrand: "I am the ghost of Lake Eddy! I'm so sick of all the noise! The conga music is driving me mad! Take your foghorn and toot off!" [hisses]
Singing Guy: "You heard him, run!"
[Takes off, the other passengers start to scream and run too. The screaming goes on through the night]

[Morning comes and the Morticians are chilling in Bertrand's cabin]
Bertrand: "What a fiendishly fantastic performance."
Everyone Else: "Yay."
Lucy: "I gotta admit, that was some of our best haunting work ever. Dante made a former marine cry."
[Dante is flattered]
Bertrand: "I owe you all a great debt." [Sees outside] "Look, the sun rises. We were so busy we must have worked all night. Come, by now I'm sure Captain Troy has cancelled the cruise." [The Mortician's Club enters the dining hall and is confounded. All the passengers are just enjoying breakfast and chatting amongst themselves as if nothing happened]
Bertrand: "What's everyone still doing here?"
Dante: "And eating breakfast like nothing happened." [Which is also what Dante is doing] "Great devilled eggs."
[Eats one and enjoys. Annoyed, Bertrand tosses the platter from Dante's hands]
Cruise Patron Woman: "Oh, hey…" [Approaches the club] "You're those actors from last night, you were absolutely terrifying. Where did you study theatre?"
Boris: "I beg your pardon."
Cruise Patron Woman: "Last night. Your performance at that scary-themed whatever it was. We just had a ball. Oh, I hope you're planning on doing that again."
Boris: "So glad you enjoyed yourself."
[The woman walks off]
Bertrand: [Can't believe this] "What in the great beyond?! Are you kidding me?"
Kim: "Sweetie, have you heard? Everyone loved last night's activity your friends put together. Great idea! Things have been going so well lately Dad and I think should sign up for a two-year extension!"
Brad: "Croatia here we come!" [Laughs]
[Bertrand's friends are aghast]
Morpheus: "Oh my underworld, we just doubled his sentence."
[None are more shocked than Bertrand]
Brad: "Anyway, it was so nice of you guys to come say hi to the B-Train. Help yourselves to the sundae bar on your way out, it is all you can eat."
[Brad laughs and he and Kim walk away]
Lucy: "We're so sorry, Bertrand."
Bertrand: "The fault is not yours to bear. Thank you for trying to save me. Now go, flea while you still can."
[The Mortician's club starts to leave, except for Lucy]
Lucy: "Wait!" [Brad and Kim stop and Lucy approaches them] "This wasn't an activity we were doing last night, we were trying to get the cruise cancelled. The truth is, we just wanted Bertrand to stay with us, where he'll be happy."
[Brings Bertrand and the two stand silently as Brad and Kim look at each other, feeling guilt for not noticing]
Kim: "Wait, is this true? Bertrand, you aren't happy?"
[Bertrand silently shakes his head]
Brad: "Awe, B-Train, we're so sorry, we had no idea."
Kim: "Yeah, when you said you were dying inside we thought you meant that was a good thing."
Bertrand: "I understand your confusion. We are a deeply complex bunch."
[The other's agree]
Brad: "Well, listen, you definitely don't have to come to Croatia." [Thinks] "Hey, maybe you can live with your Aunt Madeline in Royal Woods, you know, until the cruise is over."
Bertrand: "I have an Aunt Madeline?"
Brad: "Oh yeah, see we never told you about her because she's a super positive life coach."
Kim: "But she does raise snakes."
Bertrand: [Thinks] "I can work with that." [Hugs his parents] "Thank you, Mother and Father. How about one last conga line to celebrate?"
Brad: "You betcha, buddy."
Kim: "Let's do it."
[Later, the ship's horn goes off and Boris is leading the conga line]
Boris: "Oh, Boris finally gets to conga."
[The morticians follow Boris, followed by Kim, then Brad and finally Bertrand, who is now carrying the pelican]