The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[It's 3:00 AM at the Loud House. Lincoln is fast asleep, snoring, while in Lynn and Lucy's room, Lucy rises from her coffin zombie-style while snoring. Cut to Lisa and Lily's room, where Lisa isn't snoring... but Todd is.] Todd: "SNORE. SNORE." [Downstairs in the living room, Lily is still wide awake and causing a ruckus.] Lily: "Da-da!" [throws her spelling blocks in the air] "Yeah! Poo-poo!" [runs around the room giggling] [Rita is watching all this, heavily sleep-deprived.] Rita:[tired] "Lily, are you tired yet?" [Lily runs back with a pot on her head and banging it with soup ladles.] "It's going on 3:00 AM, sweetie." [Lily pops up on the couch.] Lily: "Woo! Da-da!" [dives back on the ground] Rita:[tired] "It's OK, it's not your fault. It's your dad's." [Lynn Sr. is asleep on the chair, snoring and drooling. Lily leaps back on the couch chewing on a couch cushion. Sighs] "That is the last time he gives you a chocolate-covered espresso bean for dessert." [imitates Lynn Sr. as Lily shakes the cushion around like a dog] "'Uh, I thought it was a raisin.'" [She turns on the TV to show a commercial starring Mrs. Bernardo.] Mrs. Bernardo: "Sake's alive." [She's wearing shoes with springs on their soles] "These hippity-hop shoes really put a spring in my step!" [She bounces around on her shoes before accidentally landing on the camera. Cut to a picture advertising the shoes, showing them to be available to order with the number 555-0156 and a disclaimer stating, *PERSONAL INJURY LAWYER SOLD SEPERATELY.] Rita:[tired] "Good for Mrs. Bernardo." [yawns] "She finally got a speaking role." Lily: "I Miss Bernardo!" [starts jumping around] Rita: "All right, this isn't working." [turns off the TV] "Where are the car keys?" [searches under the couch] "Time for an old trick that always worked on your siblings. We'll drive you around until you're sleepy." Lily: "Horsey ride!" [She leaps on Rita's back and knocks her on the ground. Rita glares at her youngest daughter, who giggles.] Rita: "Oh, there are the keys." Lynn Sr.:[sleep-talking] "Grant, there's too much paprika!" [resumes snoring] [Lily giggles again.]
[One hour later, Rita drives Vanzilla down the street.] Rita:[tired] "Lily, it's almost 4:00 AM. Aren't you--" [yawns] "--sleepy?" [Lily isn't sleeping, and is still running in place due to being buckled in her baby booster seat, giggling.] "OK, I'll take that as a no." [She pulls up to Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet and yawns when she spots the silhouette of a hooded figure and perks up. The figure, revealed to be a man with a 5:00 shadow and bag, sneaks out of the restaurant with the locks and chains on the doors completely destroyed and leaving cheese in his wake. She gasps.] "Did you see that?" Lily: "Yep. Bad guy. No good." Rita: "Oh. We gotta call the police!" [rummages around] "OK, OK, where's my phone?" [Lily holds up Rita's phone. Rita sees this and grins in relief. Meanwhile, at the police station, Officer Shirley is blowing on her cup of coffee when her phone rings and she picks up.] Officer Shirley: "Officer Shirley, what is your emergency?" [Split screen between her and Rita.] Rita:[frantic] "I just saw a toddler--OK, no, wait, my toddler and I just saw a burglar running out of Jean Juan's." [Officer Shirley starts writing notes] "He was a small man or a medium-sized teen. We couldn't see the face. It's dark out, and I'm tired, so my vision is a little blurry." Officer Shirley: "Ma'am, could you slow down?" Rita: "But he was definitely stealing food, the fromage con queso, or maybe the churro baguettes. Oh. Oh, that sounds so good right now." [dozes off, but her head hits the steering wheel and accidentally honks it, snapping her awake] "Ah!" [accidentally drops her phone] "Oh, hang on. I dropped my phone." [finds it] "Oh, here it is! Are you still there?" Officer Shirley: "What are you and your kid doing out at 4:00 AM?" Rita: "OK, well, my husband gave her an espresso bean, and now she's wide awake." [At the moment, Lily is trying to break free of the seat belt, and is gnawing on the seat belt. To Lily] "Sweetie, do you have to pee?" [Lily shakes her head no.] Officer Shirley:[thinking she means her] "No, I just went. Listen, hon, you're not the first tired mom to call in a little confused. Last night, we had a lady mistaking a possum for a werewolf." [chuckles] "Why don't you go home and get some rest?" [hangs up] Rita: "Ugh! Can you believe her?" [tired] "I am not just some tired... confused mom..." Lily: "Rude!" Rita: "You know what, Lily? I say we do some investigating of our own. We track down the thief, we get some evidence, and then we call that officer back and say, 'Who's confused now?'" Lily: "Yeah, yeah! This is exciting! We show her!"
[They tiptoe to the scene of the crime] Rita: "Not to brag, but Mommy has been listening to a ton of crime podcasts." [examines the lock] "Hmm. This would be a cakewalk if we had a DNA processing kit." Lily:[spots the cheese] "Look! Footprints!" [Rita spots the footprints, and they briefly follow the footprints. Lily scrapes some cheese and shoves her finger in Rita's mouth.] Rita: "Fresh queso. Great job, sweetie." [They follow the prints into the grass, but there's no footprints after that] "The trail's gone cold." [starts sniffing on the ground] "If only we had a tracking hound to catch the scent!" [starts sleeping] Lily: "Look!" [She's found a rolled-up paper] "Paper!" Rita: "OK, how are you finding everything?!" [It's a map of Royal Woods with Jean Juan's crossed off, and two symbols--one of a chicken and another of Tippy--circled, marked as destinations.] "It's a map. I bet our guy drew it. The question is, what are these locations?" Lily: "Steal more stuff?" Rita: "You're right. He wasn't just after free appetizers. He is on a crime spree, and these are the next spots he's gonna hit! Let's see if we can decipher these symbols." [looks at the chicken] "Hmm. This looks like some kind of hieroglyph of an ancient bird. What does it mean? If only I'd paid attention during Egyptian history!" Lily: "Chicken! Farm!" Rita:[laughs] "Now I see it."
[Vanzilla pulls up to Hunnicutt Farm arm. Rita and Lily start spying using binoculars.] Rita: "OK, this is the nearest farm. Keep your eyes peeled." [They're looking in different directions, and Lily redirects Rita's binoculars in the direction of the barn. Rita passes by the doors, notices the thief near the bales of hay, and gasps] "There he is! What's he up to?" [The thief sneaks into the barn and makes off riding a horse. She gasps again] "He's stealing a horse!" Lily: "Wow, fast horsey." Rita: "Come on, let's tail him." [Lily grins in agreement, and Rita revs up Vanzilla and goes in pursuit of the thief.] Lily:[holding Rita's phone] "I take picture!" [takes several pictures, but then checks her history and finds the pictures show the thief out of Vanzilla's highlights, the thief getting away, Rita snoring at the wheel, and her own face] "No good! Get closer!" Rita: "Trying! It's not easy in the dark!" [floors Vanzilla and gets the thief's map on her face...] "Ah!" [...which then flies out of the window] "Oh no! The map!" Lily: "Look out!" [They're approaching a fence, but are too late to avoid it and crash through it, swerving around some cows before crashing in a haystack. They pop out of the haystack and shake the hay off.] Rita: "Looks like we need a new ride." [Lily then notices a nearby horse.] Lily:[begging] "Horsey ride?" Rita: "Lily, that does not belong to us." Lily: "But he get away!" [gives Rita puppy eyes] Rita:[gives in] "Fine. OK, but let's leave a note." Lily: "Yay!" [giggles]
[Now they're chasing the thief's trail on horseback] Rita: "Good boy. Or girl. Follow the tracks!" [The horse skids to a stop in front of the thief's third target.] Rita and Lily: "Dairyland?!" Lily: "Mommy, look!" [The thief's horse is parked outside the entrance, with one of the gates forced open] "Him inside!" Rita: "This crime spree is never ending." Lily: "Come on. Let's get him!"
[Now they're inside Dairyland] Rita: "Stay close, Lily. He could be anywhere." [Suddenly they flinch as a menacing silhouette approaches, seemingly of a giant figure with big hands... only to be revealed to be a cluster of balloons, much to their disappointment. Rita spots something] "Look!" [The thief is present, removing his hood and posing as an employee, moving a cart of Tippy plushies. Rita and Lily sneak around and hide near a Tippy cutout.] "That police lady is gonna owe us a big, fat apology when she sees our pictures." [unknowingly dials Lynn Sr. instead of taking a picture] "Well, that should be enough evidence." [Unfortunately, Lynn Sr. picks up, much to their horror.] Lynn Sr.: "Hello?" [Rita and Lily gasp and hide behind the Tippy cutout as Rita drops her phone.] "Rita? Rita, where are you?" [The thief hears the noise and looks in their direction.] "Is Lily asleep?" Rita: "Oh, no." [grabs her phone] "Shh!" [frantically tries to hang up] "Turn off!" Lynn Sr.: "Hon, I think you're on mute. I can't hear you. Can you hear me?" [Rita hangs up, and she and Lily sigh in relief.] Thief:[having spotted them] "Hey." [Rita and Lily scream and run away, with the thief in pursuit. They make their way to the Cup of Whoa! ride.] Rita: "Oh, good idea!" [The thief looks around at all the cups, and then gets an idea as he heads over to the machine that powers the ride and presses the red RIDE START button.] Thief: "Time for some coffee..." [sets the speed to EXTRA FROTHY] "...to go!" [The ride starts at a very high speed. Rita screams as they are spun around, while Lily happily giggles. They are then flung into the bushes and spotted by the thief.] "Aha!" Lily:[pulls Rita out of the bushes] "Come on! This way!" [As Rita runs away, Lily heads over to a nearby hot dog stand and kicks it down, spilling the wieners all over the ground before joining her mom. The thief trips on the wieners and falls on the ground.]
[Later, the thief passes by Dunk a Cookie when he hears snoring from the stack of Tippy plushies. Having found his trackers, he heads over to the stack and removes all the Tippy plushies to find Rita and Lily, wearing Tippy costumes. Mother and daughter then get up and run away, knocking the thief over. The thief then gets up with a Tippy plush in his mouth and spits it out.]
[Later, the thief is at the Seas o' Cheese] Thief: "I'm going to find you!" [keeps searching] [Rita and Lily are revealed to have been hiding in the river of cheese. When the coast is clear, they emerge from the lake, spitting out the cheese and gagging in disgust.] Rita: "Why did they have to use Limburger cheese?! Come on, an exit's close!" [They run out of the ride] Lily:[spots the exit] "Look!" Rita: "Oh, looks like we made it, sweetie." [Suddenly they get snagged with a lasso and are captured by the thief.] Thief:[laughs] "Well, well, what have we here? A couple of amateur detectives?" Rita: "Look, this was a big mistake. We promise not to tell. Please, just let us go!" Thief: "Sorry, but you've seen too much. And now you must pay!" [advances towards them] [Lily looks at her mom in worry. Rita's left eye twitches, and she starts seething with anger] Rita: "STAY AWAY FROM MY CHILD!" [breaks free from the restraints and throws her phone at the thief's face, knocking his hat away] Lynn Sr.:[somehow still on videocall] "Are you there, honey? Hello?" [The phone slides off the thief's face] Thief:[inexplicably in Mrs. Bernardo's voice] "Ow! Be careful! This face is my instrument! Let's take five." [The thief removes "his" face mask to reveal Mrs. Bernardo.] Mrs. Bernardo: "I need a cold compress." Rita and Lily:[stunned] "Mrs. Bernardo?!" Mrs. Bernardo: "Well, normally, this is where you clap, but I'll accept stunned silence." [bows] Rita: "You're the thief?! Wait, what is going on?! Is this a dream?!" Mrs. Bernardo: "Apologies for scaring you. I'm just training for an audition to play a thief, a crook, a desperado of the night! When I saw you were following me, I decided to roll with it, as they say." [scoffs] "Of course, I wasn't going to harm you." Rita:[blinks as her right eye twitches] "You did all of this to prepare for an audition?! We submerged ourselves in cheese!" Mrs. Bernardo:[claps] "Brava to that! What an excellent improv." Lily: "But what about all the--" [yawns] "--stuff you stole?" Mrs. Bernardo:[scratches Lily's chin] "Oh, stinky child. I'm going to put everything back. Thespian's honor. I have done this many times." Rita: "Well, this has been one crazy evening, but I suppose I'm partly to blame. I never should have dragged my child along while trying to play detective. Lily, sweetie, I owe you an apology--" [sees Lily is now sleeping on one of the park benches] "Wow." [picks her up and shows Mrs. Bernardo] "Look at that. I guess chasing you around all night finally put her to sleep."
[The next day at the Loud House, Lily and Mrs. Bernardo are sitting on the couch as Rita brings popcorn over.] Rita: "Can't wait to see your big commercial, Mrs. Bernardo. Thanks for suggesting we get together." Mrs. Bernardo: "But of course. We're old friends now. Also, I don't own a television." [chuckles and eats popcorn, then perks up and gasps] "Here it is!" [grabs the remote] "Volume up. Get ready for the performance of a lifetime!" [The commercial shows a diamond on a cushion in someone's room, illuminated by a spotlight. A pair of hands is seen opening a window and grabbing the diamond, only to drop it as a security alarm blares.] Announcer: "Murray Security Systems, home of the loudest alarms in town!" [Rita and Lily watch the commercial, confused.] Rita: "I don't understand. Where were you?" Mrs. Bernardo: "Those were my hands!" [chuckles; Rita and Lily start awkwardly clapping for her as she climbs on the table and basks in the "attention"] "Oh, no, no, no, stop, stop, please. I'm simply verklempt." [The coffee table collapses from her weight; she gets up with the popcorn bowl on her head] "Care to accompany me to the Burpin' Burger establishment? I need to research fast food for an upcoming role: woman by soda machine." Rita: "Hmm. I could go for burgers. Just no cheese." Lily:[begging] "Horsey ride?" Rita: "OK, Lily, but we've got to take them back eventually." [Neighing is heard. The horses Rita and Mrs. Bernardo have borrowed from the farm are in the dining room and dining on plates of Lynn-sagna.] Lynn Sr.:[mixing up more Lynn-sagna] "Hon, how long are these guys staying? I'm running out of Lynn-sagnas!" [Rita and Lily look at each other and share a laugh over it. The end.]
