The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[Lunch time at Royal Woods Middle School. Lincoln's friends are enjoying their lunches when Lincoln runs up] Lincoln: "Guys, I just read something incredible on the DSFB!" Rusty:[Not knowing what that is] "Dudley's Spaghetti Food Blog?" Zach: "David Steele Fan Board." [Lincoln Nods] Lincoln: "There I was, eighty web pages deep, already late for school, when I read that the only copy of the legendary missing issue number thirteen, David Steele: Stuck in the Rust Belt, is located in our very town!" [His friends can't believe their ears] Clyde: "You're kidding!" Liam: "What?!" Clyde: "I have long dreamed of finding out how David escapes the abandoned auto factory and if he ever meets his long lost twin brother." Rusty: "So where's the comic?" Lincoln: "The Comic Book Nook." Liam: "Oh, you mean that new girl's family store?" [Across the cafeteria, Kara is sitting alone with some tater tots and a comic book] Lincoln: "Yup!" Liam: "Let's go ask New Girl if she'll show it to us." [The other boys agree] Stella: "Her name is Kara, guys." Rusty:[Grabs his cheese puffs] "I'll handle it." [Eats a handful of puffs and gets in Zach's face] "I'm easily the most fly in the group." Zach: "Ugh, Rusty, stop blowing your spicy cheese breath at me. It's making me…" [Sneezes] Rusty: "That sounds like a you prob. Cause me thinks these are delish." [Walks over to Kara] "What up, Kara? So, I heard about issue thirteen. What are the chances a guy like me could possibly take a peek sometime?" [Uses his cheese covered hand to toss another puff into the air, only for it to miss his mouth and just bounce off his face. Meanwhile Kara thinks] Kara: "Hm. Let me do the math. If I carry the no chance and add a not on your life, it's… zero percent." [Holds up her comic book over her face while Rusty groans and leaves] Rusty: "That nut's not cracking." Zach: "Pfft. That sounds like a you prob. Let me try." [Zach goes over to Kara] "Sorry about my friend. Obviously you'd only allow a true comic connoisseur like myself to read… " [Sneezes on Kara's tater tots] "Ugh, stupid cheese puffs." Kara:[Annoyed] "Ugh, you can have my tots. And no. sorry." [Walks away] "Bye." [Zach groans, and the rest of the gang approach him] Stella: "So much for just asking her." [Sarcastically] "And our best people were on it." Mr. Bolhofner: "Action News Team! Thanks for the piece you aired about me. The other teachers had no idea I once escaped a collapsing underwater cave using my webbed feet." [Takes off his shoe] "And believe me, they were impressed." [Mr. Bolhofner actually does have webbed feet. The Action News team is revolted. Suddenly Lincoln gets an idea] Lincoln: "Wait! That gives me an idea!" [Sees his friends looking at him] "Oh, don't worry. It has nothing to do with Bolhofner's feet." [His friends are relieved]
[Later, Kara is putting a book in her locker and closes it to find Lincoln looking at her] Kara: "Huh?" [Knowing that Lincoln is friends with Rusty and Zach] "Lemme guess, Issue Thirteen?" Lincoln: "Huh? What? I have no idea what you're talking about. I'm here on behalf of the Action News team. You may have heard of us." Kara: "I've seen your show. I like the one about Bolhofner's webbed feet." Lincoln: "Thanks! Anyway, we want to film a new student profile that would be all about you, Kara. Your interests, hobbies, favourite foods." Kara: "Why would you wanna do that?" Lincoln: "For fun. And it'll be a great way for everyone to get to know you. Are you free, I don't know, after school… today?" Kara: "Well, I work at my family's comic book store after school so…" Lincoln: "Oh, shoot. I guess we can't do it. Unless, if you're cool with it, we could just film there?" Kara: "Hm. Okay, I'll see you guys there." [Takes off. Once she's gone, Lincoln, who can't wait to read Issue Thirteen, starts happy dancing] Lincoln: "Yes! I did it. I-I did it."
[Later, the Action News team assembles outside the comic book store] Lincoln: "Okay, you guys know the plan." [Takes out some wireless earbuds] "Take these earpieces so we can communicate secretly." [Takes one and sticks it in his ear. Clyde, Stella, Rusty and Liam each take one, leaving only one] "Sorry, Zach, Lana was playing with yours and dropped it in Charles' water bowl. It might…" [Zach puts it in, it electrocutes him and falls out] "Zap you… occasionally. But it's a mild zap." Zach:[Puts it back in] "Easy for you to say." [Just then, Kara opens the front door, thinking she heard something] Kara:[A little suspicious] "Why are you standing out here?" Clyde: "Just getting some fresh air." [Takes a deep breath] "And that's enough." [They all run inside. Inside the store Kara picks up her strawberry gummies and sits behind the counter while the Action News team gets set up] Liam: "Now let's get you gussied up for the camera." [Gets on a stool and starts brushing Kara's hair. Suddenly he finds a scar below Kara's right ear] "Oh, cool scar." Kara: "Oh, thanks. Hockey puck, I was five, I think." [The rest of the team is awestruck] Rusty: "Woah, you play hockey?" Clyde: "Wow." Lincoln: "That's so cool." Stella: "Whoa." [Just then a door opens offscreen, they all look and see a small boy walking out of the back room trying to look tough. The boy then sees what's going on and snort laughs] Josh: "Woah, you have friends?" Kara:[Aggravated] "Oh, get lost, Josh." [Josh then steals Kara's strawberry gummies and runs, laughing and blowing raspberries at her. Kara shakes her fist at him] "And stop taking my snacks!" Lincoln:[Understanding] "Younger sibling?" [Kara nods] "Yeah, I have plenty of those myself." [Kara excitedly runs off with Liam following. Lincoln nudges Zach and nods towards the back room. Zach winks] Zach: "Hm. We need more light. I'll go look for something." [Stella gets the camera ready] Liam: "And we're rolling." [They zoom in on Clyde and Lincoln sitting with Kara] Lincoln: "So, Kara, what are your hobbies?" Kara: "Comic book collecting, obviously. Board games, ice fishing. Oh, and making dishes from recipes people write on their headstones." Clyde: "Really? That's awesome, and macabre. What have you made?" [Lincoln hears Zach on his earpiece] Zach: "Agent Gurdle reporting. I'm in. Will advise on progress." Lincoln: "Copy." [Sees Kara and Clyde looking at him, wondering why he just said that] "I mean… toffee. Have you made that?"
[In the back room, Zach enters and looks around] Zach: "Aha!" [Runs to the shelf and finds a box filled with comic books] "Engaging super speed." [Leafs through the stack of books at lightning speed] "Ah! Finger cramp." [Sees a box of action figures and gasps] "Is that Commander Blork?" [Forgets about the comics and goes for the figures] "First Lieutenant Blech. Officer Splork." [Having completely forgotten his mission, Zach starts playing with the action figures]
[Back in the front, Stella is still filming Kara and zooms in a little then pans to the left] Stella: "Wait." [Zooms tighter on a framed photo of Kara raging down a waterslide] "You rode The Big Dipper?" [Kara looks at the photo] Kara: "Um, five times. I'm kind of obsessed with water slides." Rusty: "What's the big deal?" Stella: "It's a forty story drop. Tallest waterslide in North America." Rusty: "Whoa." [Kara giggles. Suddenly Lincoln hears Zach on the earpiece again] Zach: "I'm gonna get you, gnome." [Makes more sound effect noises] "Take that, evil space worm!" [Lincoln rolls his eyes, knowing Zach's just fooling around] Lincoln: "Zach's been compromised." [Lincoln gestures at Stella to get moving] Stella: "Oh, my foot's asleep. Need to walk. Liam, keep shooting without me." [Kara wonders what that was about, but Rusty just chuckles]
[In the back room, Zach is still playing with the action figures when the door is opened. He sees Stella glaring at him and tosses the figures away] Zach:[Chuckling nervously] "I was just looking for the comic." Stella: "Mmm-hmm. Time to swap out." [Zach returns to the front with a flashlight] Zach: "Found the perfect soft light!" [Shines the flashlight at Rusty, Kara and Lincoln and it is extremely bright]
[Meanwhile, Stella is looking around] Stella: "If I were hiding something valuable I'd put it somewhere like…" [Sees something] "here." [Moves some stacks of boxes aside and finds a door] "Guys, I found a secret room! The comic has to be inside. But it's locked with a keypad." [Rusty hears the rest on his earpiece] "Ask questions that might be the number combo." Rusty: "Time for the Rust Dog to ask some burning questions." [Goes right up to Kara] "What's your birthday?" Kara: "June twenty-fifth." Rusty: "Oh, six, two, five. Tight. Tight." Stella:[Over the earpiece] "That didn't work, try another one." Rusty: "Ugh, what's your mom's fave numbers? Parents' anniversary?" Kara: "These are your burning questions?" Lincoln: "Abort, Stella, Rusty's bombing. Let's swap. I have an idea." [Suddenly Zach gets zapped again and his earpiece falls out. Kara notices the earpiece bounce across the counter and land on the floor] Zach: "Ow! I mean, wow. I'm super excited for this interview." Lincoln: "And I gotta call my mom. I forgot to tell her I left the sink on. Full blast!" [Zooms off] Kara:[Suspicious] "That sounds made up." Clyde:[Throws Rusty away] "Speaking of made up, you're the author of four published comic books." [Holds one up] "What was your inspiration for this one? Paula Bunyan versus the Lumberjerx."
[Lincoln arrives to the backroom and finds the door with the keypad.] Lincoln: "Hmm. Perfect time to use my David Steele UV light fingerprint detector." [He aims the device at the keypad and activates it. The ray reveals the 1, 3, 4, 8, and 9 buttons with fingerprints.] "It has to be some combination of these numbers. Okay, let me see." [He inputs 1-9-4-8, but gets an ACCESS DENIED message. He inputs 8-9-4-1, but gets another ACCESS DENIED. He inputs 3-1-4-8, which is the correct code, as he gets an ACCESS GRANTED message.] "Bingo." [He opens the door, which has a room emitting a red glow. Lincoln's eyebrows furrow at this sight, and he activates his earpiece.] "I'm in, but I need to switch with Rusty. This is his area of expertise." [Back at the interview the rest of the gang have really come to like Kara] Zach: "You sew your own cosplay outfits? Your grandma is an astronaut? And you've beaten every level of Muscle Fish Fishaganza? I'd feel lucky to claim any one of those." Clyde: "I, for one, am really glad we did this interview. We never would have known any of this." Liam: "Yeah, you should hang with us sometime." Stella: "For real. I could use another girl in the group." Kara:[Flattered] "Actually, that sounds fun. Thanks." [Lincoln returns] Lincoln: "I called my mom, it's all good. Only the first floor is flooded." [Winks at Rusty who winks back] Rusty: "Uh, g-guys, I gotta… My fly might be down and I need to check." [Heads off]
[In the secret room, Rusty opens the door to find a laser maze] Rusty: "Oh, yeah. This is so my area." [Slides in and breaks out his sweet dance moves] "Ah yeah." [Gets through the lasers easily and switches them off. At the end of the room he sees a cardboard box resting on top of a safe he lifts the lid and is shocked]
[Back at the front, Lincoln and Liam flinch when they hear Rusty scream over the earpieces] Lincoln: "Rusty, what is it?" Rusty: "Issue Thirteen is being guarded by a ginormous spider." Liam: "Critters are my territory. I got this." [Stella is applying some foundation to Kara's face when Rusty returns] Rusty: "I'm back." [Rusty is wearing pink hammer pants with daisies] "My fly was totally busted so I improvised. Your dad has style." Kara: "Those… are my mom's." [Rusty is taken aback] Liam: "Uh, hey Rusty, you film. My bladder's fixin' to burst."
[Back in the secret room Liam takes the box and opens it to find the spider sitting on top of a wrapped package. The spider hisses at him but Liam is only scared for a moment] Liam: "Hey, little feller." [Rubs the spider's head] "Coochie coochie coo. Aren't you cute." [The spider seems to be enjoying this. Liam reached for the wrapped package in the box. Unfortunately the spider is still on the job. Back at the interview, Stella and Rusty hear over their earpieces Liam being attacked] "Ow! Ow! Don't you bite me! Ah!" [Zach's earpiece is still on the floor next to Kara. Kara hears everything] Kara: "What's going on?" [Picks up the earpiece] Zach:[Drops the boom mic on Rusty's head] "Uh, nothing. Nothing at all. Um, maybe put that back where you found it." [Kara takes a closer listen] Liam:[Doesn't know Kara has Zach's earpiece] "Oops, hope Kara didn't hear me hollerin' while I'm back here snoopin' around her secret room." [Kara, realizing her new friends are breaking into secret room, gasps in shock and glares at the rest of the gang in anger] Clyde: "Wait. We can explain." [Kara clearly doesn't want to hear it and goes to the back room the rest of the gang following suit]
[In the secret room, Liam has the package and is desperately trying to shake the spider off his leg when Kara takes it off easily] Kara:[To her spider] "Shh, it's okay." [Gently puts it back in the box and puts the box back on the safe. Then she looks at Liam, incredulous and displeased] "Why are you stealing my turkey sandwich?" Stella: "You're what?" Lincoln: "Wait. So you set up all this security to protect a sandwich?" Kara: "Yeah, my little brother always takes my snacks." [She suddenly starts realizing, with hurt feelings sinking in, what the gang was really up to] "Oh, I get it now. You were snooping back here for the comic, and the interview was just a way to distract me. You didn't really want to get to know me. Wow, just… wow." [Hearing it put that way the gang feels really bad. Liam's friends step aside as Kara goes to the bookcase they're standing in front of. She pulls a binder on the second shelf and the shelf starts rumbling, the Action News team gasps. The books on that shelf sink away and are replaced by the book they were looking for] "Well, here it is." Action News Team: "Whoa." Kara: "You know, I would've let you read it. I only said no to Rusty because he always has cheesy fingers." [Rusty's friends move aside. Somehow Rusty still has his cheese puffs and is licking them off his fingers. He hides them chuckling] "And Zach was sneezing on everything." [Zach sneezes again. The gang feels horrible. Kara bitterly gives Lincoln the comic] "Here, go ahead and read it. Just leave me alone after you do." [Takes her lunch back from Liam. Then gets in Rusty and Zach's faces with a serious tone] "And you two? Wash your hands first." [Kara sadly runs off with her sandwich] Lincoln: "Kara, wait!" Kara:[Still doesn't wanna hear it] "You can stop pretending you want to be my friend." [Leaves] Lincoln: "We can't let this happen."
[Back at the front counter, Kara is eating her sandwich, sad that she's not really going to have friends. She sees her comic being returned but she doesn't even wanna look at these guys] Lincoln: "Hey Kara. We don't care about Issue Thirteen anymore. We're just really sorry we hurt your feelings." Stella: "Yeah, and it's true that we tricked you. But after two minutes, we all knew we wanted to be your friend." [The boys all nod in agreement. Kara looks at them, knowing she still wants to be their friend too] Clyde: "Can we have another chance? We all have so much in common. Please say yes." [Kara looks at them, they smile at her, and she just knows they're telling the truth]
[At school the next day, Lincoln is reporting the new student profile] Lincoln: "The Action News team went behind the scenes with new girl Kara, owner of the David Steele missing issue thirteen. But turns out that's not even close to the coolest thing about her." [Shows a clip of her playing roller hockey] "She's got a mean slapshot..." [Then a shot of her making a comic] "...and writes page-turning comics." [Then a clip of Josh in the secret room strung up in a net] Clyde: "And you definitely don't want to mess with her, because she's really good at booby traps." Josh: "Mom! Kara netted me again!" [Finally a clip of the gang reading comics in the back room of the store with Kara] Lincoln: "And the highlight of getting to know Kara is she's now our friend." [Kara is watching the show on her phone, with her spider, in the cafeteria, sitting with her new friends] Kara:[Touched] "Thanks, you guys." [The gang smiles and engulfs Kara in a tight hug. She enjoys it and hugs them too] Rusty: "K-Dawg, now that we're buds mind if I grab some of your tots?" [Rusty goes for them, but Kara's spider, who's still trained to protect her food, doesn't think so and hisses at Rusty. Rusty screams and runs off, the now much larger gang laughing]
