Room and Hoard/Script

The following is a transcript for the episode "Room and Hoard."

Script[]

The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.

[Up in the attic, Rita and Lynn Sr. are looking through all the family's old stuff.]
Rita: "Are you sure you need to find that VHS tape for Kotaro?"
Lynn Sr: [Comes out of a box with a tuba on his head.] "A little help?" [Rita struggles to pull the tuba off his head, she manages to, throwing them both into more boxes.] "Yeah, it's got all the footage from our first trip to Cowbella, I promised him we'd watch it for our friendiversary next week."
Rita: "Well, there's no way we're gonna find anything in here, I think it's time we had the kids give away some of their old stuff."
[Holds up a jack-in-the-box, who goes off with a rather creepy laugh.]

[Later, the kids are looking through the attic, but they are actually intrigued by all their old stuff.]
Luan: [Gasps] "Mr. Snuggles."
[Lincoln gasps when he finds one of his old shirts, everyone enjoys being reunited with their old stuff.]
Lisa: "Eureka!"
Lynn: [Finds some tiny boxing gloves.] "My pregame punchers!" [Puts them on] "Man, this feels like Christmas!"
Leni: [Wearing multiple sunglasses] "Yeah, but with way more stuff!"
Rita: [Growing impatient] "Come on guys, focus, you need to be getting rid of stuff." [Looks at someone] "Not eating it."
[Looking at Lana, who is eating a mud pie. Lana chuckles, and Lynn Sr. snatches it from her.]
Lana: "Come on, it's my first mud pie, perfectly aged. Why do we have to get rid of all this great stuff?"
[The other kids beg their parents to let them keep their stuff.]
Lola: "Yeah! Let us keep it!"
Lori: "We love our old things."
Lynn Sr.: "Well, we're sorry kiddos, but in a house, with thirteen people there's just not enough room for it all."
[The kids keep begging.]
Rita: "We all have to make sacrifices sometimes, even your father donates ties from his prized collection every now and then."
[Sees her husband lovingly looking at one of his ties.]
Lynn Sr. "Huh."
Lincoln: [Thinks] "Hmm... Wait. What if we can prove to you that we still use all this stuff? Then can we keep it?"
Rita: "Fine. But if you can't, all of this has to go. Deal?"
[The kids cheer and punch the air, knocking over a stack of boxes that almost falls on their parents, who clutch each other in fright. A book falls out and opens. The kids notice the opened book.]
Loud Kids: "Oops!"

[Later, Lynn Sr. and Rita are working in the garden. Lynn Sr. notices something he's not impressed with and drops the sack of soil. Lucy is digging, with a shovel that's smaller than her hand.]
Rita: [To Lynn Sr. astonished] "Really?" [Goes over to Lucy] "You sure you don't wanna use this shovel instead, sweetie?" [Points at the full-sized shovel she's holding.]
Lucy: "No thanks, my old toy shovel will do." [Fangs drops her a tiny coffin. Lucy places it in the hole, places a dead bee inside, and drops in a rose.] "Farewell, Ms. Bee. Your pollinating skills will be missed."
[Rita and Lynn Sr. can't believe this.]
Lori: [Offscreen, gasps] "No way!" [Comes outside with a toy phone.] "He did not."
Lynn Sr.: "Oh, hey Lori-Lou."
Lori: "Dad, um. I'm on the phone." [Returns to the toy phone.] "Sorry, what were you saying?" [Presses a button]
Toy Phone: "The cow says..." [Cow sound]
Lori: "Then what did the chicken say?"
[Rita rolls her eyes.]
Lynn: [Shouting, startling the parents] "Are you ready for the Lynn-sanityyyy?!" [She's playing basketball. She dribbles a rather squeaky ball, jumps high with the ball over her head...] "Whoo!" [She dunks in a net that's shorter than her. She picks it up.] "Hoo, hoo, yeah! That's how you do it."
[Rita and Lynn Sr. look at each other. They groan and do a facepalm.]

[Later, Rita enters the living room, and is horrified when she hears the twins singing and dancing along to an old music video.]

Rita: [Horrified] "Ah! Oh-no! No! Not 'The Little Froggy Song'! I thought we were done with that years ago!"
Lynn Sr.: [Wearing earmuffs, grabs his wife.] "Don't let it get in your head, it'll haunt your dreams."
[Puts pillows over Rita's ears. Just then, Lily walks in, chewing an empty toilet roll.]
Rita: "Uh-oh. Looks like somebody found her old toilet paper roll."
[Lily continues chewing on it.]
Lynn Sr.: "Now Ms. Lily. We know you don't need that anymore. You have plenty of real toys to play with." [Lynn Sr. tries to take it, but Lily bites it like a dog and even growls. Lynn Sr. retreats with a soft voice] "Okay, okay, okay, backing off."
[In the dining room.]
Fashion Game: "Fashion emergency! Fashion emergency!"
Leni: [Dressed as a doctor.] "Dr. Leni's on it." [Puts a stethoscope on the game, it beeps, and Leni gasps.] "OMGosh, a striped shirt with polka-dot leggings? That is a fashion emergency. Don't worry, you're in good hands."
[Leni swaps out the polka-dots for a plain pair. The light in the game turns green.]
Fashion Game: "Whoo! Fashion emergency averted."
Leni: [Claps and shrieks in excitement] "Yay!"
[Rita and Lynn Sr. watch her with an annoyed look.]
Rita: "Well, at least Lisa isn't clinging to her old things." [She's on the other side of the dining room table.] "She just got that microscope."
Lynn Sr.: [Seeing what Lisa's seeing] "Awe, look at those little cuties. Whatcha studying Lis?"
Lisa: "My very first infant fecal sample."
[Her parents are revolted.]
Rita: "We had no idea you kept those."
Lisa: "Oh yes, I have thousands up there."
[In the attic, there are bags full of poop.]
Lynn Sr.: "This whole time I thought that smell was the raccoons."
Luan: [Upstairs] "Introducing the Mick and Bunny, variety hour!"
[In their room, Luan and Luna are doing a show with their old puppets, - Mr. Snuggles and Mick Swagger respectively - in their old cardboard theatre.]
Mr. Snuggles: "Hey, you're Mick Swagger. Wanna hear a joke?"
Mick Swagger Puppet: "Hit me mate."
Mr. Snuggles: "What do you call a cow, who plays the guitar? A moosician."
[They laugh]
Mick Swagger Puppet: "That's brilliant! Too bad your mom and dad don't agree."
[The girls come out from behind their theatre. Their parents are at the door.]
Rita: "Ah, come on girls, you barely fit in that thing."
Mick Swagger Puppet: "What was that, Love? You want us to sing? Let me grab me axe."
[Luna tries to crawl through the hole under the theatre to get her guitar, but her head gets stuck in between the cardboard.]
Luan: "Here, let me try."
[Luan tries but gets stuck just the same. Rita and Lynn Sr. both sigh in exasperation. Suddenly they hear a bike horn and Lincoln.]
Lincoln: "Whoo-hoo!" [Wearing a propeller Bernie, bib, and a tiny shirt and riding a tricycle.] "Watch out! Number one baby boy coming through!"
[--Lincoln speeds past his parents, sending them into a spin. He stops his joyride, puts his pacifier in his mouth and sucks it. His parents confront him.]
Lynn Sr.: [Angrily trying to talk some sense into the kid.] "Lincoln! That shirt is way too small for you! And that tricycle is falling apart!"
Lincoln: "What? No way. The handlebars are a little loose, but she still drives like a dream." [Points at the bib] "And look, here's the stain from my very first Flippee."
[He scoops the stain with his finger and sucks it in his mouth.]
Rita: [Annoyed] "Alright! I think we've seen enough." [Calling to her children.] "Everyone downstairs!" [Everyone is gathered downstairs, including Luna and Luan still stuck inside their cardboard theatre.] "Okay, we get it. You guys really don't wanna give up your stuff."
Lynn Sr.: "So, you win. You can keep it all."
[The kids cheer.]
Rita: "But, we do have some terms. If you ever want something new, you have to get rid of something old. A one for one."
[The kids ramble over each other in agreement.]

[Arcade music plays. At Gus' Games & Grub, Lincoln is playing a ring tossing game, and Lola is watching. He gets three ringers.]
Lincoln: "Bingo."
Lola: "Come on, Linky. We almost have enough tickets." [Threateningly] "Don't choke."
[Lincoln gets the last ring on, they cheer.]
Game Booth Attendant: [Deadpan] "Wow, that's a lot of carats. Okay champs. Pick your prizes."
[Leads them over to the prize table, they gasp and follow, slapping each other.]
Lincoln & Lola: [Seeing and pointing to the prizes with pupils dilated.] "Ooh, ooh, that one."
[The game attendant looks at an Ace Savvy piñata and a ragdoll. He gives them to Lincoln and Lola. They squeal and hug their toys.]
Lincoln: [Realizes something] "Wait, where are we going to put these?"
Lola: "Um, duh, Princess Ladybell will be sleeping in my bed." [Kisses her]
Lincoln: "But, Mom and Dad said we can't get any new stuff without getting rid of something old."
Lola: [Thinks, gasps, and snickers.] "Well, who says they have to know about it? All we gotta do is find a good hiding spot." [They smile in agreement.]

[Inside the Loud House, Lincoln puts his Ace Savvy piñata in the TV cabinet. The camera cuts to Lola, whom is holding her ragdoll beside the couch.]
Lola: [Whispering] "Ssh, gotta promise me that you'll be quiet under there." [Hugs her doll and stuffs her under the couch. She brings out a book.] "Here's some reading material in case you get bored."
[She places the book underneath the couch.]

[At the Royal Woods Mall, Lori and Lily - who is still chewing on her toilet paper roll - are sitting and waiting.]
Lori: [Scoffs] "Where is Leni? She got out of work like, fifteen minutes ago."
Lily: [Shrugs] "Uh-uh".
[Lily continues chewing while Lori sighs. She brings out her phone and video calls Leni. She now appears on Lori's screen inside a boutique.]
Leni: "The owner of this boutique said everything must go. So I'm buying as much as I can to help him out."
Lori: [Frustrated] "Leni, no. It doesn't mean you have to-
Leni: [Interrupting] "Be out soon!"
[Hangs up. Lori sighs. Suddenly Lily removes her toilet roll, gasps, grabs Lori by the arm, and points at something.]
Lily: "Ig! Ig! Ig, ig, ig, ig, ig, ig!"
[Lily is referring to a rainbow wig in a store window.]
Lori: "No, Lily. You definitely don't need that." [Lily gives Lori puppy eyes while whimpering. Lori has a mean/sad look and grunts in annoyance.] "Mmm..."
[Outside, Lily is rocking her new wig, babbling in happiness as the three of them approach Vanzilla.]
Lori: "Guys, you heard Mom and Dad. We shouldn't be getting any more stuff."
[Leni and Lily have guilty looks on their faces. Lori opens the van and a new set of golf clubs falls out. They all gasp.]
Leni: [Angrily to Lori] "Wait, are those new clubs?"
Lori: [Picking them up] "Well," [Laughs] "Carol gave me her old ones." [Tosses them into the van.] "So, you know, it's different. Okay?" [Lori blushes. Her sisters look at each other, and then back at her.] "Well, obviously we can't let Mom and Dad see this new stuff, so we'll just have to find a good hiding spot."
[They think about it. Back at the house, Lily enters the front door, looks around, and signals her sisters that the coast is clear. Leni and Lori hurry Lori's new clubs in and stuff them inside the air vent.]

[At the Royal Woods Cemetery, Lucy digs up a goat skull and Lana finds an old burrito in the garbage.]
Lana: "Yeah!" [Laughs]
[Suddenly the sisters remember their parents' terms.]

[Back at the house, Lucy hides her skull in the house plant, and Lana kisses her burrito and hides it under the rug. It soaks through.]

[In the backyard, Lisa looks around to make sure no one's watching and puts on a rubber glove.]
Lisa: "Ah, a fresh sample for my studies. Thank you, Charles." [Lisa encases Charles' feces in a plastic bag, Charles groans at her.] "Shh."
[Lisa slides away and later, puts her new sample in the lamp.]

[In the streets, Luna and Luan - no longer trapped in their cardboard theatres - are out for a stroll and come across something.]
Flip: [Raiding a pile of free stuff.] "I don't know what these are, but if they're free, they're Flip's."
[Flip walks away with a box of stuff. Among the free stuff is a Mick Swagger pinball machine and a chicken-feathered boa. A moment later, Luna is pushing the pinball machine along the sidewalk while Luan stands on top of it and shows off her boa.]

[Back at the house, they are shoving their new stuff inside and up the chimney. It succeeds with a clanging sound. Suddenly, soot falls on them, causing both of them to cough. They look at the viewer with their dirty heads, then they clean themselves by rubbing the soot off.]
Luan: "Well, it might be a tight squeeze for Santa next Christmas, but we did it."
Lori: [Sighs] "We are literally at max capacity, guys. No more new stuff."
[Suddenly there's a clanging outside.]
Lincoln: "What was that?"
[Outside, Lynn grunts as she pushes a large set of tackling dummies up to their house.]
Lynn: "Awesome, right? Coach was giving these babies away for FREE!"
[The camera cuts to outside the front door, where all of Lynn's siblings are gathered looking at her. Lori's arms are folded.]
Lori: "Okay, now we are literally literally at max capacity."

[Later that night, the family are watching 'The Dream Boat'.]
TV Announcer: "This season, on 'The Dream Boat', Captain Debbie is seeing triple." [A trio of triplets in onboard.] "Meet Dylan, Dawson, and Dirk."
[The whole family is watching. They clamour in excitement when suddenly Charles smells something. He tries to climb up the lamp.]
Lisa: [Notices and panics] "Charles, no!"
[Charles pulls the lamp's wire, sending the whole lamp flying across the room. While Lisa's new sample lands on Rita's face, the lamp knocks the vent open, releasing the bag of Lori's new clubs. The bag flies and crashes into the pedestals inside the fireplace releasing a various hoard of brought in toys heaped in front of the family, including the pinball machine, Lily's wig, a basketball and Luan's boa. After a brief pause, they yell in panic as more new stuff follows after that. Finally, Lynn's new tackling dummies fall from the ceiling to the floor behind the couch, causing it to jump and make the whole family scream.]
Lynn Sr.: "What in the ding-dang heck is going on here?"
[Lincoln has a guilty look on his face.]
Lincoln: "Sorry, Mom and Dad. We broke your rule and got a bunch of new stuff."
Rita: [Seeing it all along with her kids' sad faces] "... Clearly."
Lincoln: "But we couldn't bring ourselves to get rid of any of our old stuff, so we've been hiding things."
Lynn Sr.: [Firmly to Lincoln with arms folded] "This is very disappointing. We made a deal."
Lori: "We know, and you were right. In a house with thirteen people, there's no room for old stuff we don't actually use."
Luan: [Looking miserable] "Yeah, we promise we'll start giving it away."
Lana: [Pleading] "But can I keep my burrito? Please? I already named him. Bert."
[Rita and Lynn Sr. look at each other.]

[The next day, a garage sale has been set up outside the Loud House. Lola and Lana are advertising holding banners with the word "FREE", while the public are looking through the Louds' old stuff.]
Lana: "Free stuff!"
Lola: "Come and get it!"
[Lynn is giving a little girl a boost playing with her old basketball hoop.]
Lynn: "That's when you shout your catchphrase. Mine's Lynn-sanity. I'm sure you'll think of a good one, too."
Lucy: [Giving her old shovel to a young goth boy.] "Unhappy grave digging to you."
Luna: [Giving her Mick Swagger puppet to another little girl.] "Rock on, little dude."
[They display their goat horns pose. Meanwhile Rita and Lynn Sr. come out of the front door.]
Rita: [Amazed and happily] "Wow, you guys have cleared out a lot!"
Lynn Sr.: "Yay! Way to go, kiddos."
[Luan is giving their old theatre to a young boy.]
Young Boy: "I can't wait to put on a puppet show for my grandpa."
Mr. Snuggles: "Hey, don't forget the star of the show."
[Luan puts Mr. Snuggles in the boy's wagon and he goes.]
Luan: "You guys were right. It feels really good to give our stuff to kids who will actually use it."
Luna: "Ah, and guess what Pops. We found that VHS tape you were looking for."
[Lynn Sr. gasps and takes it.]
Lisa: "Yeah, it was under my fecal slides."
[Lynn Sr. is revolted by this and rubs it on his sweater.]
Lynn Sr.: "I should call Kotaro. Give him the good news." [Picks up his phone and makes the call] "K-Dog! Better start polishing that cowbell, cause Cowbella Friendiversary night is back on!"
[The parents go back inside. Behind the kids, Flip is sucking Lincoln's old pacifier, wearing Lincoln's old bib and propeller beanie, and three pairs of sunglasses, including Leni's old pair.]
Flip: "Hey, what do you think? I've been trying to update my look."
[A raccoon comes out of Flip's backpack, wearing Lincoln's old shirt.]
Leni: [Gasps] "Love! It! Just one more thing."
[Puts a pair of sunglasses on the raccoon, the raccoon chitters in enjoyment.]
Flip: [Excitedly] "Ooh, thanks kids. I made out like a bandit here!" [Gets on Lincoln's old tricycle and honks the horn.] "Yeah, number one baby boy!"
[He rides away. The camera pans to the children. Lincoln's sisters stare at him.]
Lincoln: "See? Flip gets it."
[Leni, Luan and Lily become dumbfounded, while the rest of the sisters become unimpressed over Lincoln's statement]