The following is a transcript for the episode "One in a Million."
Script[]
The quotations in the following transcript are owned by Paramount and are an exception to The Loud House Encyclopedia's CC-BY-SA license. This transcript is provided in full as a source of review and reference, which likely falls under fair use.
[The kitchen: Lynn Sr. opens the refrigerator and finds it is completely empty. He closes the door in confusion, then he walks over to the cabinet. He opens that door and finds nothing inside there, either.] Lynn Sr.: "Hon, where are all the groceries?" [He walks into the dining room.] "I can--oh." [He notices them all piled on top of the dining table.] "What are they doing in--" [At that moment, Lincoln and Clyde make a battle cry and run over to the table, each holding an empty sack. They spin him around as they run around the table and begin filling their sacks with the groceries. Lynn Sr. is hit by an apple, then a pie. Then, an alarm beeps. The scene cuts to a stopwatch in Lincoln's hand, which reads 30 seconds.] Lincoln: "And time!" [He puts the stopwatch away.] Clyde:[panting] "That was...our best run yet!" Lincoln:[To the viewers] "You're probably wondering what Clyde and I are doing." [He slings his sack over his shoulder and falls off the table. The sack lands on his head, and when Lincoln takes it off, his hair is messy.] "Well, it's a fun story." [Lincoln straightens his hair as he continues talking to the viewers.] "A few years ago, to draw in more business to the Food & Fuel, Flip started a contest to reward his one millionth customer."
[The flashback ends, where it shows Lincoln holding the flyer to the viewers.] Lincoln:[To the viewers] "The winner gets 30 seconds to run through the store and take as much merchandise as they can!" [The scene cuts to inside Flip's Food & Fuel, where Lincoln buys a comic book from Flip.] "To keep track of all the customers, Flip installed a counter behind the cash register." [The counter currently reads 208,604, then it shifts to 615,034.] "Over time, the counter was buried, and Flip never brought up the contest again." [Now the counter is shown covered in nacho cheese as it reads 700,101 customers. Then the nacho cheese turns moldy as it reads 750,421, and then it is completely covered by posters. Then, the camera pans to a nearby shelf of Sunny O's.] "But Clyde and I never forgot." [It shows that one of the cereal boxes is actually a camera in disguise, with one of the face's eyes as the lens. The other eye blinks red.] "In fact, we installed a camera nearby to keep track of the customer count." [The camera catches the customer number, which has reached 825,221. The scene cuts back to Lincoln in the present.] "And today's the day we're almost there!" Clyde: "Lincoln!" [He shows Lincoln his phone.] "The tracker just hit 999,920! Only 80 customers to go!" Lincoln: "Great! We have time for one more drill, and then we gotta go!" [The two boys let out another battle cry as they run past Lynn Sr., whose face is still covered in pie.]
[Flip's Food & Fuel: Lincoln and Clyde arrive, then Clyde's phone beeps. He checks it, then hands it to Lincoln.] Clyde: "Check it out! Now there's only 68 to go!" [A customer walks out of the store holding a grocery bag.] "All we have to do is wait for 67 more customers to go in, then we make our move!" [Lincoln and Clyde high five, then they wait... But as time goes on, no further customers appear, and the boys start getting tired with baggy eyes. They almost fall asleep, but startle themselves awake.] Lincoln: "I can't believe this. Not a single person's shown up." Clyde: "Aww, of all the days for business to slow down! We're so close!" [They peek through the store window.] "Look at all that glorious merch just waiting for us to grab it!" [They press their faces against the window with heart irises. The camera pans across the inside of the store with the merchandise sparkling... But then Flip angrily pops up and stares at them as Lincoln and Clyde begin drooling.] Flip:[He pounds on the window, which startles Lincoln and Clyde.] "Stop droolin' on the glass! Nacho just cleaned that!" [A window washer platform lowers outside the window, which has Nacho dressed in a vest and hardhat and holding a squeegee. He hisses at the boys, and they nervously back away.] Lincoln: "We're just gonna have to take matters into our own hands and drum up business for Flip's ourselves." [He and Clyde get an idea. Later, Lincoln makes a sign for Flip's store.] Clyde: "'Take a trip to Flip's'. I like it." Lincoln:[He takes the sign.] "I'll handle the spinning part." Clyde: "Are you sure? Have you ever spun a sign before?" Lincoln: "No. But how hard can it be?" [Lincoln is shown trying to spin the sign, but as he puts it on the ground, Cheryl and Meryl walk by and are caught inside it. They spin around like a tornado and drop their things.] Cheryl: "Hey! Hey!" Meryl: "Is that a tornado?" Cheryl: "When will it stop?" [Lincoln and Clyde watch in horror as Cheryl and Meryl spin offscreen and crash.] Clyde: "Don't worry, buddy. I got this." [Later, Clyde is shown spinning the sign, throwing it into the air, and catching it.] "Take a trip to Flip's!" [At that moment, a bunch of cars drive up. Inside the store, Flip hears a lot of chatter and sees a mob of people excitedly enter his store. They leave with bags of merchandise, and they leave Flip a giant pile of cash. Outside, Lincoln is amazed.] Lincoln: "How are you so good at this?" Clyde: "Remember that summer I spent at Baton Camp? Guess my dads are right: I did develop a skill I could use later in life." Lincoln:[He checks his phone.] "Looks like spinning brought in 20 new customers!" [The counter is at 999,952.] "But we're gonna need to think bigger to bring in the rest." [He gets an idea, then runs off.] "Come on!" [Clyde follows Lincoln, still twirling the sign.]
[Later, Lincoln drives a Sunset Canyon golf cart to Flip's with a group of elders. Clyde follows closely, but he accidentally rear-ends Lincoln's golf cart.] Clyde: "Sorry about that. Bernie keeps distracting me with armpit farts." [Bernie makes a few armpit farts, but his golf cart is suddenly hit from behind, making him spit out his dentures. Behind the golf cart is Scoots.] Scoots: "I wasn't distracted by anything. I just wanted to ram into you!" [Lincoln is shown to have caught Bernie's dentures. He takes them out in disgust.] Lincoln: "Alright, everyone." [He opens the door to Flip's.] "Step right up and enjoy a shopping trip to Flip's!" [Bernie takes his teeth back and leads the Sunset Canyon residents inside. Later, they are exiting the store.] Bernie: "This was fun! I haven't had jerky in ages!" [He and the other residents walk away carrying bags of groceries, then Lincoln and Clyde exit.] Lincoln: "The tracker says only one more customer left!" [Sure enough, the tracker is displaying 999,999.] "Let's make our move!" Woman: "I'd like to buy this, please." [Inside the store, one more woman from Sunset Canyon is shown with a box of Bran Bars, but she is digging through her purse.] "Oh, fiddlesticks, where's my wallet?" [Flip facepalms on the counter, but Lincoln and Clyde look nervous.] Clyde:[whispering] "Lincoln! She's gonna be the millionth customer! We can't let her win!" [Lincoln notices a rug she is standing on, so he and Clyde slowly drag it out of the store while the woman still searches for her wallet. The woman finally finds her wallet...] Woman: "Oh, there's my wallet!" [...But she is now sitting on the back of one of the golf carts. She gasps.] "But where's the store?" [Scoots and the golf carts drive away, leaving Lincoln and Clyde pleased.] Lincoln:[He throws away the rug and takes out the flyer.] "We did it! We're only one away!" [Lincoln and Clyde giddily high five and begin to run toward the store...but they are stopped by Chandler, of all people.] Chandler: "You're only one away from what?" [He takes out a lollipop he is sucking on.] "What are you chumps up to? You both seem weirder than usual." [He crunches the lollipop. Lincoln and Clyde are nervous.] Clyde:[hesitating] "Uh... We're not weirder than usual. We're the same amount of weird we usually are. And if you have a problem with our weirdness, then, umm, maybe you need to work on your, uh, on your weirdness tolerance!" [He pants heavily.] Lincoln: "Breathe, buddy." [However, he ends up exposing his flyer by mistake. Chandler notices it and snatches it from Lincoln's hand.] Chandler: "What have we here?" [Realizing his mistake, Lincoln and Clyde try to grab the flyer back from Chandler, but he keeps them away from it and kicks them away. But Lincoln and Clyde tackle him and they roll around, but Chandler ends up on top with the flyer.] Chandler: "One millionth customer, huh? So that's what you're one away from. Too bad I'm gonna beat you to it!" [He throws away the flyer and runs toward Flip's, but he is hit by a boomerang before he can get inside. Clyde catches the boomerang.] Clyde: "Ha!" Lincoln: "What?" Clyde:[shrugs modestly] "Remember after Baton Camp, my dads sent me to Boomerang Camp? Who knew that would come in handy one day, too? Uh, come on!" [He and Lincoln run to the store.] "Let's do this!" [Lincoln and Clyde high five again, but Chandler snatches them away before they can enter the store. Then he is blasted away by a hose. Lincoln and Clyde run toward the store as Chandler falls to the ground, but then they are hit by a bunch of tires. Chandler opens the door, but he is dragged away by Cheryl and Meryl--somehow still caught in the tornado from before. Lincoln and Clyde are hit by trash bags, then Chandler is hit by a window washer's platform. He breaks through its floor, and the three boys begin pushing at each other at the door.] Lincoln: "Oh no, you don't!" [They all land inside the store, and Chandler gets up first.] Chandler: "Later, losers!" [He runs to the counter, while Lincoln and Clyde growl. They make their battle cry and dogpile on him.] "Out of the way!" [Flip is reading a Cheap$kate Monthly magazine and wearing headphones while the three boys are caught in a fight cloud.] "Lincoln, enough playing around! Me first!" [They keep fighting and running around the store.] "Clyde, stop!" [Chandler finally gets Lincoln and Clyde off of him and shoves them away. Chandler cackles as Lincoln and Clyde are caught in the ice cream freezer.] Clyde:[He has two ice cream cones in his eyes.] "Ahh! Eyeball freeze!" Chandler: "Hey, Flip!" [Flip doesn't notice, so Chandler takes off one of his headphones and yells into his ear.] "HEY, FLIP!!" [Flip takes off the headphones.] "I'm buying this!" [He grabs a keychain shaped like Flip's head and plants it on the counter, then he grabs money from his pocket.] Lincoln and Clyde:[in slow motion] "NOOO!" [Chandler drops the money.] "NOOOOO!!!" [They lunge for the counter, but they're too late. Flip catches the money while they land on the ground, and as Flip presses the button on the cash register, confetti rains down upon Chandler. A banner also comes down saying "Congradjulations! You're Flup's one millionth kustomer!", and Flip hears the counter beeping as it reaches 1,000,000. He tears off the posters and reveals the counter.] Flip: "Well, look at that. You're my one millionth customer!" Chandler: "Yes!" [The confetti flies off him as he gloats at his victory.] "Whoo! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!" Lincoln:[He and Clyde dejectedly stand up.] "I... I can't believe we lost, and that Flip never learned how to spell his name right." Flip: "Oopsie, good catch." [He climbs on the counter and crosses out "Flup", but instead writes "Flep's".] Clyde: "All those years of work for nothing!" [He and Lincoln begin to leave as Chandler sticks his tongue out at them.] Chandler: "Nice try, losers! Ha! Okay Flip, I'm ready to collect my prize. I believe I get 30 seconds to grab as much merch as I can." Flip: "Knock yourself out, chief." Chandler:[He cackles, but as he turns toward the store racks...] "What the what?!" [Clyde and Lincoln come back, and to the three boys' surprise, all the merchandise is gone! They all gasp in horror.] Flip:[chuckles] "You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool ol' Flip! Nacho here overheard you dunderheads talkin' in the parking lot and clued me in!" [Flashback to when Chandler read the flyer: Nacho is taking a shower in the car wash squeegee holder of a gas pump when he notices Chandler talking about the contest. The scene cuts to the present.] "So while you were busy tearin' each other apart, I had him move all the merchandise out. Call it a 'restocking day'." [He and Nacho snicker while Chandler frowns at being scammed.] "Oh, there is one thing left." Chandler:[He gasps in excitement, but the screen pans to a dusty bag of Flipeos.] "Flipeos?! That's it?!" [He blows off the dust into Flip's face.] Flip: "Be careful eatin' 'em." [Chandler opens the bag and is disgusted by the scent.] "They're older than you are." Chandler: "This is so unfair! I'm the one who cheats people! You stink, Flip, and that's coming from someone whose dad works in the sewer!" [He walks off in anger.] Flip:[He picks up the bag and eats one of the Flipeos.] "Eh, not bad." [Lincoln and Clyde watch as Chandler storms out of the Food & Fuel, cringing as he slams the door.] Lincoln: "Well, we may not have won, but we did get to see Chandler lose." Clyde: "Small comfort in a cruel world." [Just as they are about to leave themselves, Flip and Nacho stop them.] Flip: "And where do you two bozos think you're going? I suppose I should say thank you. While you were trying to get to one million, you actually gave me the best day of business I ever had! And that includes the time the supermarket down the street flooded...suspiciously.[He winks, then he and Nacho chuckle.] "I think that deserves a reward." [Lincoln and Clyde gasp.]
[Later, Flip has returned all the merchandise.] Flip: "Okay, to show my gratitudinal thanks of appreciation, you guys get ten seconds to take whatever you can! Ready, Nacho?" Lincoln: "Only 10? The flyer said 30." Flip: "Fine, I'll meet you halfway: You get ten seconds." Lincoln: "But we--" Clyde: "We'll take it!" Flip: "Ready, Nacho?" [Nacho nods, while Lincoln and Clyde grab their sacks.] "On your marks... Get set... Go!" [Nacho blows a whistle while Lincoln and Clyde run off, making their battle cry. They quickly snatch all the candy, comic books, and Flippee juice, then they dump everything else they pass into their sacks. Flip is surprised and yelps at how good Lincoln and Clyde are at grabbing merchandise--even the entire Flippee machine.] Flip: "I didn't know they'd be such pros!" [In little time, the store is completely empty again, causing Flip to faint and collapse on top of Nacho. Lincoln and Clyde walk away, dragging their sacks.] Lincoln: "That was everything I ever dreamed of!" Clyde: "Someday, we'll be telling our grandchildren about this." Lincoln: "Come on, Clyde. We can celebrate for a little while, but then we got to start training again." Clyde: "We need to be in shape to become the two millionth customer!" [Upon hearing this, Flip regains consciousness.] Flip: "Yeah, I'm not foolish enough to go through this again. Nacho!" [Nacho runs over to the counter and smashes it with a mallet to make sure there will never be another millionth customer prize ever again. Nacho snickers as the screen irises out on the broken counter, and the episode ends.]
