Zen Garden/Transcript

Greens' house, dining room[]

(Our title appears as maple syrup on a waffle.)

Cricket (OS): Three, two, one, GO!

(He and Gramma wolf down their waffle breakfast, much to the annoyance and disgust of Tilly, as an exhausted Bill pops in, yawning.)

Bill: Breakfast time already?

(THUD! He falls asleep on the floor. He wakes up a bit and snakes to the table.)

Bill: Huh? Is there coffee?

(Then takes his seat next to...)

Tilly: Good morning, Papa. (He completely misses the mug he intended to pour his coffee in, and Tilly slides the cup to catch the spilling coffee.) Are you doing okay?

Gramma: You look beat.

Cricket: Yeah, Dad, maybe you should re-hit the hay.

Bill: The only hay I'm hittin' is in the--

(And he falls asleep again, this time on the mug. Soon after, he wakes up again.)

Bill: Ugh! With a pitchfork!

Tilly: I don't know, Papa, you look like you could use a break. (she presents and flips through a calendar) You've been working non-stop for who knows how long.

Bill: That's right, sweetie. It's a farmer's job to work his fields every... (yawns as he struggles to try to write on the calendar) day.

(The marker is snatched by...)

??? (OS): (...who writes a smiley face instead) And it's a family's job to support one another when they need help!

(...Nancy, who is wearing overalls and multiple layers of confidence!)

Bill: Nancy?

Gramma: What's with the getup?

Nancy: I heard Bill was working himself silly, so I'm taking over his farming duties for the day! (grabs overalls and stretches them, then lets them go) Ow.

(Bill walks up to her.)

Bill: But you can't farm! You do motorcycles and stuff!

Nancy: Corn, mufflers, it's all the same!

(She presents a slip of paper.)

Nancy: Now, this is for you. It's a gift certificate for a free massage and a whole day of pampering at the spa!

(It indeed, is a gift certificate for a full spa day and a massage at That Hits the Spa, with the compliments of "Your Baby Momma".)

Nancy: You look like you need it.

Bill: Look, I'd love to relax, but today is Plow and Plant Day!

(He looks at the outside farm, which is really in need of work.)

Bill: A complex series of tasks that require a delicate balance of skill and finesse. How're you--

Nancy: Pfft. Relax! I gotchu, gir'! (brings in the 'fam) Really, you work so hard to take care of everyone, but we're supposed to be co-parents, Bill. It's time I show up for the family, too. (winks) Just write me a list of everything I gotta do, and I'll get it done.

Gramma: Now, hold on just a minute! Bill can't skip Plow and Plant Day just to--

Nancy: (pulls out another certificate) I got you a massage too.

Front yard[]

(And just like that, Gramma is out, about, and inside the Kludge!..)

Gramma: Well, one day won't hurt! (honking the horn) Giddyup, Bill! My dogs are barkin'!

(Bill walks to the frame of the front door with a notepad, muttering tiredly.)

Bill: All right, Nance, here's the instructions. I'll try to relax, but you gotta promise to follow these steps to a tee.

Nancy: No sweat, big guy. I can do things the Bill Green way.

Bill: All right...

Nancy: Now, (slaps his back) go have fun! You deserve it.

[Bill takes two steps forward... then turns around and displays puppy eyes while whimpering.]

Nancy: Go on, you got it.

[Bill slowly trudges to the Kludge, still whimpering...]

Nancy: That's it, almost there...

[Bill flashes them again...]

Nancy: Get in the truck. Atta-boy!

(Bill opens the door... then turns around and runs back towards the house.)

Bill: I changed my mind!

Nancy: (annoyed) Bill, get in the truck!

(Bill backs away and into the truck, then puts his seatbelt on as he looks outside bitterly.)

Gramma: Woo! Spa day, here we come!

(The Kludge drives away.)

Cricket: You sure you know what you signed up for here, Mom?

Tilly: Much like a Swiss watch, Papa is very precise and very tightly wound.

[Bill, as depicted by a Swiss watch is shown to her left as an imagination.]

Nancy: Thanks for the concern, kids, but I'll be done with this list in no time. [But said list is very long, and as she pulls it out, it unwinds and reveals its true length and difficulty.] ...Uh...

Cricket: ...We'll help you out.

That Hits the Spa, exterior; zooming in[]

(Bill and Gramma walk into the spa, the former doubtful, and the latter ready to relax...)

Interior[]

Gramma: Ah, are you ready to relax, boy?

Bill: I don't know, Ma. All this idleness makes me anxious. Don't these people have jobs?

Gramma: They're here to relax, same as us! It's understandable that after working for a while-- (She hears snipping off-screen.) What the--?

(Bill, for no reason, has been snipping the nearby hedge.)

Gramma: Bill!

Bill: It needed a trim!

Gramma: Will you stop farming for two seconds?! You better march over here, get in your birthday suit, and get rubbed with the rest of us!

Bill: "Birthday suit?"

(And in comes a masseuse.)

Masseuse: Don't worry, sir, you can cover yourself with this complimentary towel.

(A complimentary, and unusually miniature towel.)

Bill: ...Oh, dear.

Greens' house, backyard[]

(The kids and Nancy get to work while singing a song:)

(And they're done.)

Cricket: There we go, finally done... with step one: sing the Bill Green planting song 25 times while tilling the soil.

Nancy: (unimpressed by the step) I can't believe your dad included sheet music. Let's hope the next step is a little simpler.

(The cow is a bit miffed and the goat idling as Nancy reads it:)

Nancy: "Prepare the cow to do the plow. But remember, a well groomed animal is well behaved. Brush the cow for 300 strokes, and brush the goat for 301." What? That'll take forever.

(Tilly hugs Melissa.)

Tilly: Oh, please. Please, please, please let me help!

(Melissa bleats.)

Nancy: Hmm. (with another idea) Actually, why don't you two go inside and make a snack? I'm pretty sure I can finish this one myself.

Cricket: Sounds good to me!

Tilly: I've actually been workin' on a new snack recipe that involves walnut and onions.

(The kids leave.)

Cricket (OS): Gross. I'll have two.

Nancy: You two look brushed enough to me; so between us, I'm skipping this step. You gals don't really care, do ya?

(Nancy walks away; Melissa is not satisfied with her decision.)

That Hits the Spa, Spa room[]

(Bill and Gramma are lying down; one calm and one the complete opposite of it.)

Masseuse: Relax. Relax. Please, relax, Mr. Green.

Bill: Haha, sorry, just left my ex-wife in charge of my livelihood. I'm sure she's doing great.

[The masseuse lights a incense stick (or a match?) and waves it on top of Bill's head.]

Masseuse: Just close your eyes and try to think of your happy place. Rest.

Bill: All right, I'll try.

(Bill closes his eyes and enters his happy state.)

Bill: Just relax, Bill. Think of plows, the farm, crops. The crops, they're BURNING!THEY'RE SCREAMING!!!

(INDEED, THEY ARE!!!)

Tomato: Why have you forsaken us? WHY?!?!

Bill: AH! I'VE ABANDONED MY CROPS!!!!!

Gramma: Will you pipe down?! Your tension's makin' me tense!

Bill: Sorry. Whenever I get tense, my mind starts to snowball.

Masseuse: Don't worry! You'll be able to relax once I once I loosen up your muscles (she cracks her knuckles) All it takes is some pressure.

(That didn't work. Oop-)

Masseuse: Ah! It's like massaging a brick wall!

Greens' house, backyard[]

(Nancy continues to "do" the work.)

Nancy: "Separate seed bags one foot apart." [The bags are piled on top of each other...] Meh, close enough. [...and she leaves them there.]

Garage[]

Nancy: "Heat garden gloves to 80 degrees in the sun." (said gloves are in the shade, she puts them on with little thought) Feels like 80 degrees to me!

Backyard[]

Nancy: "Hook up the cow to the plow." Oh, kids! It's plow time!

(She exits the shed.)

Nancy: This whole farming thing's actually pretty easy. What the heck was Bill stressing about?

(Too soon?)

Nancy: Huh. Where's Miss Brenda?

(The cow is hiding behind the tree and moos.)

Nancy: What the--

(She pops by and struggles to push Miss Brenda.)

Nancy: Come on, Miss Brenda. It's time to plow. (struggles more) Come on, you know the drill. (and more) Why aren't you moving?

Tilly: What's goin' on, Mama?

Nancy: It's Miss Brenda. She won't move! What's wrong with her?

Cricket: Oh, it's probably nothing. (realizing something VERY important.) Unless...

Nancy: Unless what?

Cricket: Unless step two wasn't done.

Tilly: But that wouldn't make sense, 'cause Mama said she'd closely follow all of Papa's steps.

Cricket: And if it's truly plow time, then step two must've been completed! I just don't get it, Tilly!

Nancy: What's so important about step two?

Tilly: If Miss Brenda isn't brushed for 300 strokes, she won't be confident enough for the big job and gets performance anxiety!

Cricket: She's "plow shy". (Brenda confirms this statement, blushing) And likely to stay behind that tree all day.

Tilly: And if you don't brush Melissa more than Miss Brenda, Melissa gets jealous and eats everything in sight!

(This also is confirmed as the goat goes haywire, eating EVERYTHING in her warpath. She BLEATS!)

Nancy: Bad goat! (gripping her on the body) Gotcha!

(Melissa lets out a fierce ROAR!)

Nancy: Huh?

(And sends Nancy flying away back with the kids.)

Nancy: Ow!

Tilly: Didn't you heat up the gloves? You can't touch Melissa with lukewarm gloves!

Nancy: (pulling out) Bill's list is even more important than I thought...

(And Melissa takes the list!)

Nancy: (gasping and pulling at it) Melissa! No!

(Both are now engaged in a tug-of-war for the list, ending when the list rips at a very short portion; Melissa wins the rest and eats it up with one go. Nancy looks at the remains of the list:)

List Bill: I knew you could do it, partner.

Cricket: You followed step fourteen and memorized the whole list in case this happens, right...?

That Hits the Spa, Spa room[]

Masseuse: (holding a needle) All right, Mr. Green, hold still...

[She tries to poke a needle through his skin, but nope. No effect.]

Masseuse: What? It couldn't even break the skin. I was sure acupuncture would be the one. It's time to bring out the big guns.

(Another masseuse wheels in a radio.)

Masseuse: Now, I'm going to play some nature sounds. (playing) Listen to the waves of the water.

Bill: The OCEAN?! I can't relax to that! What if there's a riptide?

(Gramma growls in frustration; why can't her son just RELAX?!)

Bill: Who's watching the kids? Where are the lifeguards?

(The scent of something gets to him.)

Bill: Hm? Is that FIRE?!

Gramma: It's just a candle, Bill! Stop overthinking everything! In fact... (squishes the cucumber slices) JUST STOP THINKING!

Bill: (losing his composure) How can I not think when there's an open flame IN A CONFINED SPACE?!!! (Uh-oh, he is now really red and steam comes out of his ears. This ain't gonna be good.)

(The other masseuse wheels in a TV.)

Masseuse: Uh, let's try some guided meditation. Look deep into this calming sunset.

(Bill has HAD IT.)

Bill: Oh no, you don't! YOU AIN'T GONNA MEDITATE ME!

(He tries to get up in the hopes of escape, but is held down by two masseuses.)

Masseuse: Sir, please!

Bill: GET ME OUTTA HERE!!!

(Gramma runs in and lugs her prosthetic leg...)

Gramma: I got 'im!

(...and it bonks Bill on the noggin.)

Gramma: Here's your chance. Meditate him!

Masseuse: Okay. Take a deep breath. Let go of all your burdens.

Bill: Let go of all my burgers...

(And with that we enter...)

The Bill-scape[]

(A calming environment where the Kludge is being driven, by Bill.)

Bill: Huh? What the--? Where am I?

???: Bill.

Bill: Dad?

???: No, Bill.

(The steering wheel comes to life.)

Kludge: It's me, the Kludge.

Bill: Oh my corn, I'm dead!

Kludge: Not dead, just stressed.

Bill: Oh, right. But don't worry, I've been stressed since birth and it's never weighed me down.

(The Kludge starts to falter.)

Bill: What's happenin'? Why're we slowing down?

Kludge: We're carrying too big of a load, we've got to let go.

Bill: But I can't!

Kludge: We have to, Bill. We'll never make it with all this weight. Trust the truck. Just let go.

Bill: Just let go?

The real world[]

Bill: (slowly getting it) Just let go. Just let go.

Masseuse: (?)

Gramma: Mighta conked him on the head a little too hard.

The Bill-scape[]

Bill: Just... let... (doing it!) GO!

(All of the load is dispersed off the Kludge, laughing triumphantly as he goes full speed with the grace of an eagle!)

Bill: Yes! I've done it. I've found inner peace.

The real world[]

Bill: (in true zen) Inner peace...

Gramma: Hallelujah, he's cured! Now, can someone massage my real leg?

Bill: Aah...

(And now Bill has achieved inner peace...)

Greens' house, backyard[]

(While Nancy is in a state of panic. She yells in frustration...)

Nancy: This is a mess. The list is gone:.. (Melissa chokes on said list) The cow won't budge. (Brenda grunts) The field isn't plowed or planted, and Bill will be home soon! We need a plan...

Cricket: Ooh, I got one!

Nancy: Really?

Cricket: It's fairly simple, but we're gonna need a time machine.

(...from there go ask BigTech; Tilly gasps in approval.)

Nancy: All right, looks like we're gonna have to improvise.

(She spies her bike and the plow; soon, she hooks them up and starts her bike, and it's on!)

(And they're done! They get off the bike.)

Nancy: Okay, that should do it! Let's see.

(The final result is nothing compared to the list, just leaving a big dirty crop circle.)

Cricket: It looks... good..?

Nancy: Oh, I beefed it.

Tilly: You know, they kinda look alike. If you close your eyes and imagine that they look alike.

Nancy: (utterly beaten) No amount of imagination will fix this. I just wanted to help out your dad, but I did the opposite! I wasn't able to show up for my family.

(It seems two people have returned; everyone gasps! Bill and Gramma are utterly in inner peace.)

Gramma: We're back! And we finally got Bill to relax--

(Both open their eyes to the rest of their worn out family.)

Gramma: Whoa, what happened to y'all?

Nancy: Bill! Listen, I tried, I really did. But there were so many details. First the singing, then the cow, then the--

(Bill calmly - and weirdly - shushes her.)

Bill: Shhhhh.

Nancy: Huh?

Bill: Shh-shh-shh.

All but Bill: ...Huh?

(Bill checks out the farm.)

Bill: Hm, this is all...

(The plow falls off Nancy's bike and she scrambles to cover the evidence.)

Nancy: Ha ha...

Bill: ...Fantastic.

All but Bill: Really?

Bill: It's different from the way I do it. But I love the new expanded design. Think of how much more we'll grow. And with the bike, you must've done it in record time.

Nancy: Uh, I guess so.

Bill: You really showed up for your family, Nance. I knew you could do it.

Nancy: I can't believe you like it. That spa really did you some good. I oughta take a trip after everything that happened today.

Bill: I thought you might say something like that.

(Bill reveals a set of spa tickets and everyone cheers!.....CHOMP! Melissa grabs and chews up the tickets!)

Cricket: ...Uh, those spa gift certificates weren't too expensive, were they, Dad?

(He doesn't respond, and just continues to stare at Melissa.)

Cricket: Dad? Dad? Da--

Bill: (promptly loses his inner peace.) AAAAGGHH!!!!!!!!-