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"Tilly's Goat" | Next: "Cricketsitter" |
Green's house, backyard[]
(Episode title appears as cloud shapes in the sky. Bill is trying to milk Melissa the goat; Cricket, Tilly and Remy watch.)
Cricket, Tilly: Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk!
Remy: Um...I don't know if I'm old enough to see this.
Tilly: (covers Remy's mouth) Shh. Don't look away.
(Bill starts tugging on Melissa's teats; no milk comes out.)
Cricket, Tilly: Milk! Milk! Milk!
Cricket: Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk! Milk... Milk. What's wrong, Dad?
Bill: Same thing as last week: no milk! This goat is just -- just -- not a good goat! (leaves)
Tilly: Her name's Melissa.
(Melissa baas sadly in disapproval.)
Tilly: Poor Melissa.
(She walks up to Melissa and lifts her chin, making eye contact.)
Tilly: We gotta figure out what's wrong with you. (contemptuously) Look me in the eyes, girl. (whispers) Why have you gone dry?
(Zoom through one of Melissa's pupils, cutting to black; snaps back to reality, pause.)
Remy: Uh...is she okay?
Cricket: Shh. You mustn't break the link.
(A pause; Tilly and Melissa blink in sync.)
Tilly: I understand. (stands) I know what's wrong with Melissa! (wind blows through her hair) She's... (firmly) ...a dog.
Cricket: Huh?
Tilly: That's why she hasn't been givin' us any milk. She's not a goat, she's a dog.
Cricket: No, no, no. Tilly, you must be mistaken'. That is a dog.
(Pans to Phoenix brushing some fleas away.)
Tilly: No, this is different. Melissa has the spirit of a dog.
(Melissa baas in reply.)
Cricket: Whatever you say, Tilly. (to Remy) Tilly's got her own way of lookin' at things. We just kinda roll with it. It's never hurt anyone before. (pokes Remy in the arm)
Remy: Ow.
Tilly: I wish there was something we could do for Melissa. Something to make her feel like a real dog.
(Barking is heard; Brett comes up the street walking his two dogs dressed in tuxedos and top hats.)
Cricket: Hiya, Brett!
Brett: Oh, hello, neighbors.
Cricket: And where are these fancy boys off to?
Brett: Oh, they're competing in the Big City Dog Show. It's just like where a dog can be a dog. And be judged for.
Tilly: A dog show? That's perfect! We should enter Melissa.
Brett: You wanna enter that goat into a dog show?
Cricket: Oh, well, what she means, Brett, is --
Brett: That's awesome! I bet she'd win the whole thing!
Cricket: Huh. Well, if Brett's impressed... Tilly, we're goin' to a dog show!
Tilly: Oh, Cricket. I'm so happy, I could spit.
(She does so, and Cricket follows suit. Remy attempts at such, but his saliva hangs out of his mouth.)
Remy: I can't... do it...!!
Cricket: Just put it back in your mouth, Remy.
Big City Convention Center, waiting room[]
(Various owners are prepping their dogs for the show.)
Female Owner 1: Who's a good boy? You are, yes, you are!
Male Owner 1: Dylan, she needs the floofer! Get the floofer, Dylan!
Cricket: Whoa! Sure are a lotta dogs here.
Remy: Whoa, this is great! (pets one) My parents never let me pet dogs!
(Once he takes his hand away, it swells up.)
Cricket: Remy, let me ask you somethin'. Do your parents not let you pet dogs because you're wildly allergic?
Remy: Maybe...! But that won't stop me from pettin' all these fancy dogs! (rubs his hands together and the other one swells up as well)
Tilly: They may be fancy city dogs, but there ain't a dog in the whole world like Melissa.
Big City Convention Center, judges' booth[]
Cricket: Make way! Make way! (to the judges) Excuse me, we're registering the winning dog.
(The head judge, Judge Uppinsbottom, a snooty Black Englishwoman, stares at and points to a dog offscreen)
Judge Uppinsbottom: Are you referring to that unkempt flea-ridden throw rug?
Cricket: Hmm?
(Pans over to Phoenix)
Cricket: Oh, no, that's Phoenix. She's just here for moral support. (pans over to Melissa) This is our winning dog.
Melissa: (bleats)
Uppinsbottom: (slurps tea) Well, let's take a look at this creature. (touches Melissa's horns) The devil's horns. (touches Melissa's beard) Scraggly beard. (touches Melissa's hooves) Toenails for feet. Can this thing even bark?
Tilly: Melissa, bark.
Melissa: (lets out a loud bleat that almost sounds like yowling)
Uppinsbottom: You must be joking.
Male Judge: Ms. Uppinsbottom, in examining our rulebook, nowhere in it does it say that a goat can't compete.
Female Judge: I say we let them in. I'm due for a good chortle!
Judges: (all laughing)
Male Judge: Indeed. Indeed.
(The judges all sip their cups of tea.)
Uppinsbottom: All right, we'll let the goat in.
Cricket: Heh. Well, we'll be the ones laughing when Melissa wins. Right, Tilly?
Tilly: That was great. How'd you do that? (imitates bleating)
Cricket: (nervously) Mmm...
Big City Convention Center, stadium[]
(Open shot of the convention center, from the bleachers.)
Announcer: Welcome, folks, to the 10th Annual Big City Dog Show. Right now, dogs from all over Big City are just getting warmed up. Bathsheba, do you have any words to say to your competition?
Bathsheba: Woof!
Announcer: Savage as ever. Let's take a look at some of the other competitors.
Female Owner 2: Point. (her dog points)
Male Owner 2: Shake. (shakes hands with his dog)
Tilly: Lay down. Go to sleep. Yodel. Throw up!
(Melissa does none of the tricks Tilly asked her to do, she just stands and blinks. The Judges put up their scores.)
Announcer: 0, 0, and an unprecedented -1! Wow!
Judges: (laugh)
Male Judge: Negative scores. It's funny!
Audience Member: So pathetic.
(Cricket and Remy watch, concerned. The audience laughs along with the judges.)
(Melissa trudges off the platform and into Tilly. She rubs her head on the girl.)
Tilly: This is fun, isn't it, girl?
(Cricket comes in with Remy.)
Cricket: (concerned) Tilly, what happened? Why didn't Melissa do any tricks?
Tilly: Oh. Dogs just do what they want, you know?
Cricket: "Dogs just do what they want"... Okay, okay, I think I get it now. (To...) Uh, Remy, can I talk to you for a minute over in this direction?
Remy: Okay!
(They walk the opposite direction. When they reach backstage, Cricket pulls Remy in behind the curtains.)
Backstage[]
Cricket: (peeking behind the curtains)
Remy: What's going on, Cricket?
Cricket: Listen. Tilly's got an unique perspective. But she doesn't get that people are makin' fun of her. When she realizes, she'll be crushed. Humiliated. And emotionally stunted for life!! We gotta protect her from that.
Remy: So what do we do?
Cricket: Improvise.
(Cricket and Remy grin and snicker.)
Remy: Wait... wh... but are we doin-
Cricket: We're gonna sabotage the dog show.
Remy: Oh!
(Both high-five.)
Dog show[]
(Back to the dog show, where the first competition, the beauty competition, is underway. Show a beige Maltese with a bow on her head.)
Announcer: Let's see how Muffin does in our beauty competition!
(Pan upward, Cricket splashes a can of water, landing on Muffin, drenching them, though Muffin shakes it off, revealing her shiny blue eyes. The crowd cheers.)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, she looks amazing!
(His plan a bust, Cricket facepalms. Show three dogs meditating.)
Announcer: And now, for the meditation contest.
Remy: (approaching the far-right dog) Hey dog, what's that over there? Oh my gosh there's a fire! YOU GOT SOMETHING ON YOUR BUTT!! (Slams cymbals, which doesn't alert the dog at all.)
(Show another dog balancing a ball a'la a seal.)
Cricket: (his feet blocking our view of the dog) Hey doggy! (shows he dressed as a squirrel) I'm a big squirrel! Bet you wanna chase me all over the arena, huh?
(The only dog he attracted... was Phoenix.)
Cricket: Oh, hey Phoenix. (A chase ensues between him and Phoenix) AAH! BAD DOG! BAD DOG!!!
(Tilly and Melissa.)
Tilly: Through the hoop, Melissa. (no response) C'mon. (still nothing, she throws the hoop on Melissa) Good dog. (Melissa bleats)
(Show the judges ratings: a thumbs-down (👎), a written "No", and a tearful face (😢). The judges have a chortle on how Melissa's tanking in the competition.)
Behind the curtains[]
(Cricket sees this behind the curtains.)
Cricket: Oh, dang it, nothing worked. And Tilly and the goat are tankin' hard! There's gotta be something to distract these dogs...
(Phoenix, complete with fleas. She flops down, Cricket rises above her. An idea in his head, he says...)
Cricket: Bingo-bango.
Dog show[]
Announcer: It's all come down to this, folks: the Agility Course! And up first... it's...! (sees Tilly... and Melissa) Oh. The goat. We can just cut to commercial here, right?
Tilly: Alright, Melissa, let's do this.
(They're at the starting line.)
Announcer: On your mark. Get set. (A bunch of dogs are running amok around the course) Wait. What's going on?! The dogs have gotten out of control!!
(Shows the dogs generally causing havok around the place: scraping their butt against the floor, ruining the agility course, three coming for the judges... Show the large TV.)
Announcer: Everyone, please remain seated. Sit. Sit!!!
(Tilly is agahst, speechless.)
Tilly: ...Golly. (Shows a pug next to her now with fleas.) Huh? (picks up the fleas, showing she has named them...) Andrea? Dante? Bernice? You're supposed to be on Phoenix.
(She turns to see her brother waving Phoenix around, laughing maniacally.)
Cricket: HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM FLEAS, HUH??!
(Tilly gasps. Cricket continues to wave Phoenix around, until...)
Tilly: Cricket? What are you doin'? Why are you wreckin' the dog show?
Cricket: Oh, uh...I-I'm just givin' Melissa an...edge on the competition.
Tilly: Why? Don't you think Melissa can do it?
Cricket: Tilly, I was just saving you from humiliation. I don't know if you realize it, but all these people are laughin' at you.
Tilly: Yeah. I know.
Cricket: I hate to tell ya -- wait, what?
Tilly: Look, Cricket... I know they're makin' fun of me. That's not important. What's important is if Melissa was havin' a good time. But now, thanks to you, it's all ruined. C'mon, Melissa. (she leaves, with Melissa in tow) Let's go.
(Cricket is in shock.)
Cricket: Tilly...--
Uppinsbottom: Everyone, evacuate the stadium! The dog show is officially over! (Static)
(Tilly and Melissa sadly leave, and Cricket too watches sadly.)
Uppinsbottom: Let's get out of here. These dogs are behaving like animals!
(The three judges run.)
Cricket: Gotta make this right. (whistles for...) Remy!
Locker room[]
(Remy is on a large dog.)
Remy: Huh?
Stadium[]
(Remy arrives on the dog which he's using as a steed, Cricket and Phoenix jump on.)
Cricket: THIS DOG SHOW AIN'T OVER YET!
Remy: (his face now covered in splodges) This day just keeps getting better...
(The three judges run off, surrounded by dogs.)
Uppinsbottom: Hurry. Hurry!!!
(Cricket, Remy and Phoenix jump off the big dog.)
Cricket: WAIT!
(The three judges grind to a halt.)
Uppinsbottom: Uh... Children!
Cricket: You gotta stay and watch my sister and Melissa!
Uppinsbottom: Melissa?
Male judge: The goat.
Uppinsbottom: Ugh. I'm not sticking around this madness to watch a goat.
Cricket: (having reached his breaking point) I didn't want it to come to this... (aside) Well, actually I kinda do... (whips out Phoenix like a shotgun) NOBODY'S GOIN' NOWHERE!!! ("arms" Phoenix, the judges are now scared) You're all gonna watch Tilly and Melissa perform or I'll fleaify you!! (Remy whispers something into his ear) Oh, and Remy gets to pet your little purstop. (Remy squeezes his hands, which make squeaking noises)
Uppinsbottom: Eugh. Alright. We'll stay and watch the goat. But we're not going to like it.
(Tilly continues walking away, but...)
Cricket: (now on the TV) Attention, dog show participants! My name is Cricket Green and I have an announcement! Tilly, I'm sorry about earlier. I was so busy tryin' to protect you, that I couldn't see that I was hurtin' you. I'm proud of you! And Melissa! So you go out there and you show 'em what you got! Because the judges will be watching closely. (holds up Phoenix) Won't you???
Uppinsbottom: Yes, yes, absolutely!
Cricket: I support you, Tilly Green! One-thousand percent!
Tilly: (gleaming) I only need a hundred! (to Melissa) Alright, girl. (show the obstacle course) I know things are tough, but tough is just a word in a big book of other words. Like "potato". And "boondoggle". The only thing that matters, is that you go out there and show 'em what kind of dog you really are. Just remember: there's no "I" in "goat." But there's an "O", and a "G". And that almost, spells "dog". Now let's go get 'em! What do ya say?!
(Melissa howls, determined! She and Tilly run down the course, Cricket and Remy (the latter now holding Uppinsbottom's purse) cheering for her, but Remy's allergies get the better of him, he coughs and the purse lands perfectly! But another dog rams into the big TV, finally undoing the screws, causing it to fall slowly on Uppinsbottom's purse, and dog!)
Uppinsbottom: My baby!!!
(Tilly and Melissa stop to hear Uppinsbottom, then turn to see the big TV about to fall on Uppinsbottom's dog. Tilly has a plan...)
Tilly: Melissa, fetch!!
(Melissa puts on her game face; she's ready. She rushes toward the dog like a bull. It seems nothing can stop her, executing a well-timed jump over a bar of metal. She makes it through the ring of fire, and as the TV is just over the dog's head, Melissa rushes towards it. Tilly grimaces at the fate...)
Cricket: Oh no!!
(...and so do the judges, Uppinsbottom shielding her eyes. She gasps as she looks towards the smoke: Melissa, Uppinsbottom's dog and her purse is unharmed!)
Cricket: (in awe) I don't believe it... The spirit... of a dog.
(It seemed earlier they were having a good laugh over Melissa's misfortunes, but Uppinsbottom and the judges cheer for her, for she is the hero! Cricket and Remy join in...)
Cricket: Whoo-hoo! Yeah!..
(...and Melissa runs back to her beloved owner, Tilly.)
Tilly: I knew you could do it, Melissa...
(The announcer has revealed to have survived.)
Announcer: Now that' a dog.
Uppinsbottom: Crouton!! (She takes the purse) Thank goodness you're safe! (Cujon licks her; to Tilly) Little girl, never before have we seen such brilliance under pressure. Or such a fine fetch!
Cricket: Does this mean they win the show?
Uppinsbottom: Goodness no. And based on the amount of property damage you caused, just be thankful we don't call the police.
Cricket: Eugh. (whistles for...) Tilly, Remy, time to go!
(They run off.)
Green's house, sunset[]
(The Greens and Remy return home, Cricket and Tilly are holding their own dog show.)
Cricket: (holding a #1 medallion) By the power vested in me, I hereby declare Melissa, the goat who's a dog, the winner. (gives Melissa her medal.) Of the first annual Green family dog show! (Melissa bleats)
(Bill and Gramma applaud for her,)
Bill: Woo!
Cricket: Sorry if I ever doubted you, Tilly.
Tilly: I forgive you. This time.
Cricket: (confused) Hm?
Remy (OS): Mr. Green?
Bill: Yes, Remy?
(Shows Remy's face swelled up from allergies.)
Remy: Could you take me to the hospital?