Cheap Show/Transcript

Green's house, interior[]

(Episode title appears as condensation. Cricket rubs the condensation away, then proceeds to blow into the window again, creating more condensation. He then breathes heavily.)

Cricket: Oh man! Y'all never gonna believe this, but Big City is throwing a huge street fair...

Exterior[]

(Cut to outside; Big Coffee is blocked off and a sign reading "STREET FAIR This way" is placed outside.)

Cricket (OS): ...And it's right around the corner from our house!

Interior[]

Cricket: Im'ma get in the first bounce house I see and just go wild!

Tilly: I'm gonna buy a funnel cake and use it for its one true purpose: funnellin' an entire slushie, directly into my face.

Gramma: Last time, I spent all Bill's money tryin'ta win the ring toss, but this time, (holds up a ring) I'm comin' prepared!

Cricket: Okay. I'm just gonna hit up the ATM real quick, and then we can go.

(Bill is on the couch, reading a book titled "Corn Mazes".)

Cricket: Hey, Dad, we're goin' to the street fair, so why don't you slap a few big bucks in my tiny hands, pleaaaaase? (holds out his hand)

Bill: Uh... no.

Cricket: (head turns towards Bill) Huh?

Bill: I said no.

Tilly: Papa, I think you said "yes" wrong.

Bill: No, I meant what I said. (closes his book) I think we should all stay here and have a quiet night in.

(The kids and Gramma laugh at this, Tilly later wipes a tear.)

Cricket: Good one, Dad. But, uh... (he and Tilly hold out their hands) Money?

Bill: Dang it, Cricket, I'm serious. Our production costs have been through the roof lately!

Cricket: "Production costs"?

Bill: Yeah! That's what I call money we spend on producing fun for ourselves. Y'know, things like restaurants, smoothies, fancy shoes that a certain someone never wears...

(Cricket looks down at his bare feet, so does Tilly and Gramma.)

Cricket: ...I just... don't wanna get them dirty.

Gramma: So if we can't go to the fair, what the heck are we supposed to do?

Bill: Well, there's plenty to do right here in the living room. We can just reuse the assets we already have.

Gramma: "Assets"?

Bill: (sighs) Just think of it this way. Why go on new adventures when we can remember the old ones? We spend a lot of money making those memories. (as he speaks off-screen, Cricket, Tilly and Gramma stop paying attention and roll their eyes upwards) We might as well get more use out of 'em... right, gang?

(They make frustrated faces.)

Bill: I'll go first! Remember when we went to that fancy seafood restaurant?

Fill Bill flashback[]

(Sea Fusïon, night time. A series of multi-shots show the extravaganza of the restaurant.)

Cricket (OS): We didn't have restaurants like this back in the country.

(Tilly is swimming and resurfaces with an octopus.)

Tilly: Okay, fella... Back to where you belong.

(She tosses the octopus at Cricket, who grunts, and pulls the octopus off his head; it latches onto a trident-wielding Gramma. Her vision blocked by the octopus, she accidentally hits the huge glass aquarium, causing the entire place to flood!)

Cricket (OS): Grab on! (Tilly and Gramma grab onto Cricket's hand) We did it, Tilly! WE'RE HERO...oh, my goodness.

(The entire place is ruined. A waiter talks to Bill...)

Sea Fusïon waiter: You and your family are banned FOR LIFE!

Bill: ...I'm so sorry.

Sea Fusïon waiter: GET OUT!!!!!!

Bill: (bolting away) Eugh!!!

(Bill and the family make a run for it!)

Interior[]

Bill: That sure was expensive, but remembering it is free.

Cricket: Gah! This is like one of those TV episodes, where the cheap producers reuse old clips 'cause they're too lazy, to write new stuff!

Bill: I think it sounds pretty resourceful.

(Beat. Bill takes a glance directly at the viewers/audience, then back to Cricket.)

Bill: So, does anyone else care to window shop down memory lane?

Gramma: Fine, I'll go. Y'all remember that time the robot dinosaur almost ate us?

Cricket/Tilly: Oh yeah...

Bill: Wait, what?

Gramma: I remember it perfectly.

Gramma's License flashback[]

(A pickup truck connected to a large piece of metal crushes a hapless car. This is Crunchasaurus Rex.)

Crunchasaurus: RAWR! I LOVE EATING CARS!

(Crunchasaurus roars in the original.)

Cricket: ...Oh, toots.

(Original line: "Oh, no.")

(In the Kludge.)

Gramma: Welp, decided that dinosaur made me sad. Time to shake my head, and drive with my face.

(Original line: "Would you look at that. One dinosaur 'bout to eat another. How fitting.")

Cricket: Cricket! Cricket Cricket, Cricket. Cricket Cricket Cricket Cricket.

(Original line: "Listen. I know you're scared of gettin' old, but ya can't just give up! That's not who you are! You might not be Hot Rod Alice anymore, but that's okay.)

(He produces the gloves.)

Cricket: Glove. Heh, these are for you.

(Original line: "Because you're something even better: our Gramma.")

Tilly: I get a word in when I can.

(Original line: "Our Hot Rod Gramma!")

Gramma: Aw. I'm no longer sad. Hug.

(Original line: "Aw, kids... Come here.")

(She pulls the kids into a hug. Suddenly the heartfelt moment is interrupted as a shaking can be felt; Crunchasaurus has grabbed the Kludge!)

Crunchasaurus: Rawr! I'm hungry!

(The Kludge goes ever closer to Crunchasaurus' mouth...)

Gramma: OH NO THIS STIIIIIIIIIIIIIINKS!!!

Interior[]

Gramma: And nothing bad happened to Bill's truck. The end.

Cricket: Wait. Did the dinosaur talk? I feel like I'd've remembered that.

Gramma: Well, I'm sorry, my dumb old track of a brain can't remember it word-for-word. If you're gonna sass me about it, why don't you tell a story?!

Cricket: Alright! Geez! Uh... Oh! Hey'all remember that funny thing Weezie said?

(Cricket's Shoes flashback.)

Weezie: Haha! Gotta get it to have it. (winks. Original line: "That's what it is.")

(Back to Tilly.)

Tilly: Actually, I think he said...

(Flashback.)

Weezie: All noodles, no spaghetti. (winks)

(Back to Gramma.)

Gramma: No. He definitely said...

(Flashback.)

Weezie: Little steps, big toes. (winks)

(Back to Bill.)

Bill: Wait. I thought I said the funny thing.

("Flashback".)

Bill: Slap it up, slap it in. (winks)

(The other three shake their head no.)

Gramma: ...That don't sound right.

Tilly: Here. I have a story. I went on an adventure I've never told you all about. Packed with action, exotic locales, and new faces!

Tilly (OS): There I was...

Tilly's storyboards[]

(Fade to a storyboard Tilly.)

Tilly: Takin' a stroll in little Tokyo. The sakura were in full bloom, but even their sweet scent couldn't mask the stench of evil.

Cricket (OS): Hold up! What's all this?

Interior[]

(Tilly is pointing towards a board full of story sketches; more precisely a storyboard.)

Tilly: Oh. This is a storyboard.

Cricket: "Story... board"?

Tilly: It's a board, with a story on it. (snaps her fingers) C'mon, Cricket! Context clues, keep up! Anyways...

Tilly's storyboards[]

Tilly (OS): I had just finished my moji, when I saw a giant monster attacking the city!

(Storyboard: A panicked man runs in, briefcase in hand.)

Tilly (OS): Just then, a man ran up to me with a briefcase. He said somethin' in Japanese...

Man: 日本語で何か (Nihongo de nanika.) (Subtitled: (Something in Japanese))

Tilly (OS): And it was at that moment... (Storyboard: Tilly opens the case) I knew what I had to do.

(Fade to white... The kaiju is terrorizing the city, but look out: Tilly's mech has arrived! Piloted by Tilly herself.)

Tilly (OS): I was ready for the fight of my life.

(Storyboard: Zoom into Tilly's face, and the kaiju's. As the two towering fighters start rushing towards each other... the entire fight sequence is non-existent, only a sticky saying "Fight Scene TBD".)

Tilly (OS): And after an incredible, dramatic, complex battle... (Tilly's mech has won.) ...I defeated the beast! やった! (YATTA!; "I did it!")

Interior[]

Tilly: The end.

Cricket: Well, would've been great if it wasn't a "board story" or whatever. You could've at least colored it!

Bill: (chuckles) That didn't actually happen. Did it...?

Tilly: No. (winks)

Bill: Mmm...

(He gets a call from...)

Bill: Oh, hey Nancy.

Nancy (call): Hey Bill! I'm at the street fair! You guys comin'?

Bill: Oh, no. We just decided to have a relaxing night in.

Cricket: (appearing from behind him) Mom, we're dyin' here! PLEASE! WHAT'S IT LIKE! I must know!!!

Nancy (call): Oh, my gosh, well, uh, it's like, there's... um... Honestly, it's... it's... it's indescribable.

(Cricket groans.)

Tilly: Please, Mama, describe anything!! How's the cotton candy?

Nancy (call): Oh, man, where do I start...? It's so... pink!

(Cricket and Tilly faint.)

Bill: Talk to you later, Nance.

Nancy (call): Yeah, yeah, later!

(He hangs up.)

Cricket: Ugh!! I can't take this!! I need to experience somethin' new, with an actual location, and people!

Bill: Ooh, I got a story! Did I ever tell you about the time I went back to that seafood restaurant?

Sea Fusïon flashback[]

(A humming Bill takes a stroll and enters the restaurant.)

Waiter (inside): Leave.

Bill: Yup.

(He leaves, humming away.)

Interior[]

Bill: When they said "ban for life", they meant it.

Cricket: I am DONE reminiscin'!

Bill: Okay, okay, um, how about we all just take a moment to be alone with our thoughts?

Cricket: Dad, that's even worse!

Bill: I can't hear ya. I've retreated, into the Bill-scape.

Tilly: Hmm. Could be fun. I'll give it a try. (to her brain) Hey, brain, give me a list of things to think about.

Tilly's brain: Sure thing. Rocks, balloons, word problems, battleship names...

Gramma: (in her thoughts) Ah, finally alone with my thoughts. Hmm. A little quiet in here... (makes sounds) That's more like it...

Cricket: (in his thoughts) This is so dumb!! Who hears "fun" and thinks, "Ooh, I'll sit in silence!"

Bill: (in his thoughts) Alright Bill, you bought some time, but this won't last long. You gotta think of something to entertain them with, and fast! Ooh, I know! I will come up with a joke.

Tilly's brain: ...books, tattoo ideas, animals...

Tilly: (in her thoughts) Ooh! Animals, please!

Tilly's brain: Comin' right up! I have anteaters, prayin' mantises, ferrets...

Gramma: (still making sounds)

Bill: (in his thoughts, now sweating) Ugh! Joke-writing is hard! How about one with a punchline as corn... corny? Is that something? DAAAH!

Cricket: (in his thoughts, sighs) Guess this is what we're doin' now. It's been a while since I gave the ol' brain a whirl. (to brain) Alright, brain, what'cha got for me?

Cricket's brain: People don't find your wacky antics as endearing as you think.

Cricket: (out of thoughts) Mmm...NO!! I'm done!!

Bill: Wait, wait! I've a knock-knock joke! (deep breath) Who's there? (pause) Dang it!!

Cricket: Well, if we're just gonna sit around all day, we might as well watch some TV.

(He turns on the TV; nothing.)

Cricket: Father...? Explain?

Bill: I cut the cable.

Cricket: (laughs) Is that all...? That's really cool... For a second, I— GAAAA!!!

(He lunges at Bill, but Gramma pulls him away. He is still going berserk as he is pulled away.)

Gramma: Calm down, boy!! Now's not the time!!

Cricket: Dad! What were you thinking?! Now how am I supposed to watch my favorite show...

(He opens his overalls, revealing the shirt underneath is a shirt with a design of a small boy in overalls printed on it, with text underneath reading "DINGO DANGO!".)

Cricket: 'Lil Country Blues?

Bill: It was the easiest way to save some money. Back me up, sweetie.

Tilly: Well, we still have streamin', right?

Bill: ...Ad-supported.

(And there's Tilly launching at Bill, tugging his head.)

Cricket: Save your strength, Tilly. He ain't worth it.

Tilly: Mmm... You've been spared.

(She drops off Bill.)

Bill: I was just tryin' to save us money! Someone's gotta!

Gramma: It's a slippery slope, Bill. What's next? You gonna install a timer on the electricity so it automatically shuts off every night??

Bill: Uh...

(The entire room darkens.)

Bill: Would you believe me if I said "no"?

Cricket: Why would you cut the power at night?! That's when we need it the most!!

Bill: D'ah... I dunno! I... thought we'd be asleep by now!

Tilly: Papa, it is 6. P. M.

Bill: I'm feeling pretty sleepy!

Cricket: Listen up, old man. I'm about to go HAM BANANAS on this house, and I'm NOT stoppin' until the lights are on, and the cable is back!! YA HEAR ME??! HUH?! HUH????!

Bill: Cricket, please!

(Crashing. He's done it.)

Bill: What was that?!

Cricket: Don't worry about it, Billiam. YAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!

Tilly: Cricket, calm down!
Gramma: Let's calm down.

Bill: Oh, geez, he's lost it!!

Gramma: TAKE COVER!!

(They run as Cricket continues to wreak havoc around the house, eventually bouncing to screen left. The other re-enter.)

Bill: Okay, I think he's done. Should be safe to...

(Cricket yells as he crashes into the floor.)

Bill: Cricket, I'm begging ya, please stop!

Cricket: I can't stop!! The people at home expect entertainment!

Bill: What people at home?!

Cricket: US!!!!! THE PEOPLE, IN THIS HOME!!!

Gramma: Dang it, this is gettin' out of hand!!

Bill: Okay, fine. I'll get the lights back on.

Exterior[]

(The lights are back on.)

Interior[]

Bill: Alright, power's back. Hope the damages isn't too expensive to draw...

(Nothing's broken?)

Bill: Huh. Nothing's broken? Sounds like it was a lot worse.

Tilly: Yeah. But Cricket did break the fourth wall.

Bill: The wha?

Tilly: The fourth wall. Look.

(As Tilly point to the camera, The Greens look directly at the viewers/audience, then it's revealed a wall is broken - this is a literal fourth wall.)

Tilly: See? He put a huge hole in it. (glares from everyone) What? Y'all don't number the walls?

Bill: Okay, listen everyone. We may have gotten a little carried away today. But I was worried you kids didn't know the value of a dollar. So I thought I'd thought I show you that you don't need to spend money to have fun!

Tilly: I guess we were pretty thirsty for that cash...

Gramma: But the fact is, Bill, we didn't have any fun today.

Cricket: Listen, Dad, expensive things can be fun. But fun things don't have to be expensive.

Bill: Huh. You may be onto somethin' there.

Cricket: So how about a compromise: we go to the street fair, but we don't buy anything?

Tilly: Yeah. Instead of drinkin' a slushie, I'll drinkin'... the atmosphere.

Gramma: And instead of playin' ring toss, I'll just heckle other people while they play. That's priceless.

Cricket: How's that sound, big guy?

Bill: (gasps) Such frugality... That sounds great. (wipes tears) Okay. Y'all go have some fun.

(The kids and Gramma cheer and run out, but Bill does not move. The others bump into each other as Cricket stops.)

Cricket: Wait. Aren't you comin'?

Bill: Huh? Ah, nah. I'll be fine here.

(The kids and Gramma make sounds of convincing.)

Bill: Nah. There's a hole.

(More sounds of convincing.)

Bill: Mmmmmmmm... Okay! Let's do it!

(The kids and Gramma cheer, and all the Greens go out of the house. Camera stays focused on the living room for the rest of the shot and zooms out slowly as we hear their offscreen gasps when they see...)

Cricket (OS): Oh, wow! Look at that, a rollercoaster!

Tilly (OS): So technically impressive.

Bill (OS): I've never seen such a big crowd before!!

Nancy (OS): Oh, hey guys! You made it!

Cricket/Tilly (OS): Mom!/Mama!

Cricket (OS): You're right, Mom! This place is hard to describe!

Nancy (OS): Told ya!

(A certain famous celebrity joins them...)

Bill (OS): Hey, kids, look! A celebrity!

Tom Hanks (OS): Hey, Green family! It's me, Tom Hanks! I'm about to go on an incredible adventure and I'd love to have you all come along with me. Whaddya say?

(The Greens cheer.)