Gramma Driver/Transcript

Phone store, interior[]

(Episode title appears on a tablet screen.)

Bill: Well, family, I've been mulling it over for 15 years now, and I've decided today is the day: the Greens are getting smartphones!

Cricket: Whoa‐ho!

Tilly: What?!

Cricket: Does this mean we're rich?

Bill: We are rich in... love. And also there's a sale.

Clerk: That's right! BigTech's new Fun Fons are perfect for families. These phones are practically indestructible! (at Cricket) Lookin' at you, kid.

(Cricket tosses the phone to a wall.)

Cricket: Ha!

(Tilly gets her phone.)

Tilly: Wowee! A phone for Tilly!

(Her phone shows a screen with a virtual assistant; much like Siri.)

Tilly's phone assistant: Hello, Tyler. I am Agatha. How are you doing today?

Tilly: Well, I'm doing just fine. But I'm more worried about you, Agatha... How do you fit in such a tiny device? (gasps) Your essence is imprisoned within this phone!

Agatha: The temperature outside is 72 degrees. (in Farenheit; 22 degrees Celsius.)

Tilly: Don't worry, Agatha: I promise I will free you!

Cricket: Now what can old Cricky get up to with this? (thinking; idea) ...Ha ha! I know!

Big Coffee[]

(Gloria is at work; then the phone rings.)

Gloria: Hello?

Cricket: Hello! My name is Bill Green, uh... Burgshire! Heh heh, yeah. And I would like to order 91 lattes delivered to 123 Stinky Street.

Gloria: Wait a minute... is this Cricket?

Cricket (phone): Okay, thank you, goodbye!

Electronics store[]

(Cricket hangs up.)

Cricket: Ha ha! Got her good.

(Bill is looking at his phone.)

Bill: Wow, look at all these li'l buttons.

(His phone rings.)

Bill: Ooh, my first phone call! (answers call) Hello?

Jerry: (on speakerphone) Hey, Mr. Green? Yeah, this is Jerry down at the autobody.

Bill: Heh, speakerphone.

Jerry: I'm just callin' to let you know your car's ready. You know, the one your mom crashed?

(Gramma hears this.)

Gramma: What's this now?

Jerry: Yeah, it's actually been ready for a while.

(Bill frantically tries to hang up.)

Jerry: This is like the tenth time I've called you.

Bill: Okay, yes! Have a lovely day, bye! Heh heh, spam calls, right?

Gramma: Bill Green, how could you?! I went through all that trouble to get my license back, and now I find out you've been keeping my car from me?

Bill: It's just... I still don't know if I'm comfortable with you driving.

Gramma: Fool's words!! I'm an excellent driver!

(The clerk shows up again.)

Clerk: Oh! Well, if that's true, you should drive for Swyft!

Gramma: Swyft? Whazzat?

(The clerk shows her the Swyft app.)

Clerk: It's this! Swyft is a smartphone app where you can make money by driving folks around, and if you do well, they'll leave you a five‐star rating!

Gramma: I will do exactly that! Get ready to eat your words, Billy boy. I'm off to prove that I am an excellent driver.

(She exits.)

Bill: Uh, wait, hey!

Jerry: Jerry here! Just letting you know you never actually hung up the phone.

Bill: 'Kay, THANK YOU, JERRY!

Big City, streets[]

(Gramma starts, and pulls up in, her car; beautifully restored to its former glory.)

Gramma: Ahhh... good to have you back. Now just gotta sign up for Swyft.

(She taps to "APPLY TO DRIVE"; she's approved in a matter of seconds.)

Gramma (OS): Hey, look at that. Five stars, here I come!

(Kaity-Lynn, Gloria's friend, is waiting for her ride; it pulls up.)

Kaity-Lynn: Uh‐huh, yeah. Okay, my ride just got here. Yeah, be there soon.

(She gets inside.)

Kaity-Lynn: Oh. Actually, my driver's this little old lady. I'm gonna be late...

Gramma: We'll see about that. (puts on shades)

Kaity-Lynn: I, uh... Aaah!

(Before she can say anything, Gramma floors the throttle and Kaity-Lynn is launched into a high-speed ride around Big City!)

Kaity-Lynn: Aah! Ohh! Aaah!

Gramma: You need a mint or anything? I got, uh, wintergreen or cinnamon.

Kaity-Lynn: AAAAH!!!

Gramma: What's wrong? Did I miss a turn?

(A truck is coming towards their direction; Gramma turns and avoids it.)

Gramma: Yeah, these guys think they own the road.

(Kaity-Lynn is whimpering.)

Gramma: So how long you been in Big City?

Kaity-Lynn: (screaming)

Gramma: Heh heh, yeah, I hear that.

(Eventually they arrive; Kaity-Lynn is launched out the car.)

Kaity-Lynn: Aah! (panting)

Gramma: Have a good day! And don't forget to gimme five stars!

(She drives off; along the way, she picks up more and more customers. Their usually boring rides are supercharged when Gramma floors the throttle, either pushing them into their seat, launching them off the car and into their destination, landing inside a movie theater, skidding along the rails like a skater on their skateboard, or tumbling into their destination, the latter being Big Coffee; the customer collapses.)

Gramma: Heh, all in a day's work.

(She drives off. Cricket whistles to work and notices the collapsed customer; he edges around him.)

Big Coffee, interior[]

Cricket: Hey, Gloria, get any wacky orders today?

Gloria: Oh, Cricket! Yeah, a Mr. Greenburgshire called and asked for 91 piping hot lattes! Can you believe it?

Cricket: (snickers) Wow, such a big order!

Gloria: But I gotta go on my mandatory break now, so you have to fill it.

Cricket: Ha! (realizes he's to do it) What?! No, no, that's not what I‐‐

Gloria: They better be done when I come back!

(She leaves Cricket by himself.)

Cricket: ...91 lattes. Huh.

Big City streets[]

Gramma: Not a bad first day. Now let's see all those five‐star ratings.

(It turns out they all gave her 1 star.)

Gramma: What?! One star?! Was... Was Bill right? Am I a bad driver? Rats. Guess it's time to play by the rules...

Big City Bank[]

(A robbery is taking place at the bank; the two perpetuators run out the bank, money bags in hand. They reach an alleyway.)

???: Coast is clear. We can take off these disguises.

(They shed their "disguises", which are just latex masks of the opposite; the perps are a couple - Bella and Bash.)

Bash: Nice crime back there, Bella.

Bella: The only thing I love more than crime is you. And the only thing I love more than you, is us.

(They kiss.)

Getaway driver: C'mon, guys! I'm sick and tired of being your third wheel, and literal wheels! I'm out!

(And there he goes.)

Bella: Our getaway got away!

Bash: Don't worry, babe, I called a Swyft.

Bella: Ugh, I love your mind.

(Gramma pulls up.)

Gramma (OS): Pickup for Bella and Bash?

Bash: Yeah‐huh.

(They get inside; they drive slowly...)

Gramma: Don't worry, folks, I'll getcha where ya need to go. Nice and slow.

(The two hear the last thing they want to hear in the distance.)

Bash: Listen, we don't care how you do it. Just get us outta here!

Bella: Drive, lady!

Gramma: Wha‐‐ Really?! Now you're talkin'!

(The throttle is floored, sending them into high-speed chase!)

Bash and Bella: Whoa!!

(Then we're on a top-down view of the streets as Gramma pulls off some stunts.)

Bella (OS): Aah!

Bash (OS): Whoo hoo hoo!

Bella (OS): This is fun!

Bash (OS): Yeah!

Bella: Whoo!!

(The car speeds past two cars; then backs into an alleyway.)

Bash, Bella: Ha ha! Yeah! ...Oof!

Bella: Huh, not bad, old lady.

Bash: You just earned yourself a five‐star rating.

Gramma: Wow! Thanks! I knew I was a good driver!

Bash: You know, we actually have a few more errands to run and plenty of stars to give.

Gramma: More stars? Let's get started!

Greens' house[]

Tilly (OS): Still in there, Agatha?

Agatha: I'm sorry, Tammy, I didn't get that.

Backyard[]

Tilly: Now, I don't know how your soul got trapped in this phone.

(She takes out a hammer.)

Tilly: But I will break you out!

(Then inhales; then gets to trying to durability test the phone in extreme circumstances; from hitting it with a hammer, to sawing it in half, to running it over with a lawnmower, to hitting it with her fists, all to no avail; then she does a drop test of the ludicrous kind, dropping it off the roof.)

Tilly: YYYAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

(She approaches the phone, which is surprisingly unharmed.)

Agatha: Sorry, Tulip, I couldn't find anything for "Aaaaah."

(She picks up the phone, and shouts into the clouds, a BigTech billboard behind her...)

Tilly: CURSE YOU, BIGTECH!!!!! Don't worry, Agatha. I am not giving up on you...

Bill's room[]

(Bill is checking out the things on his phone, giggling. Then Gramma barges in.)

Gramma: You're looking at a five‐star driver, Billy boy!!

Bill: Ma! Knock!! I don't have my socks on! I'm indecent!!

Gramma: (taunting) How's it feel to be wrong, huh? It's eating you up inside, isn't it?

Bill: I'm just surprised you found someone who puts up with your crazy driving.

Gramma: I'll have you know that my riders don't just put up with my driving, they love it.

(Her phone sounds.)

Gramma: Hm? Ah, there they are now. Hey, you should tag along. Then you can see for yourself just how good a driver I am.

Bill: Fine, maybe I will! Just let me put my socks on first.

Big City streets[]

(Tilly is walking with her phone in hand.)

Tilly: I don't know how I'm gonna get you outta there, Agatha. I've tried everything!

Agatha: I found six results for trees in your area.

Tilly: Don't worry, I'll figure something out.

(Then a construction worker gets off the crane.)

Worker: (grunts) Hey, uh, yeah, I'm tired of using this crane. Too tired to even turn off the crane. Don't touch the crane, 'kay?

(He leaves, leaving Tilly alone... with a running crane.)

Tilly: Hm. That'll do.

Big Coffee, exterior[]

Cricket (OS): Almost there...

Interior[]

(Cricket has actually made the 91 lattes.)

Cricket: ...91! Finally... done.

Gloria: Ahhh, what a good break. How's it going? (she sees the lattes and dedication) Oh, my gosh, you actually did it. I mean, time to deliver them! 123 Stinky Street is 20 blocks away.

Cricket: What? That's not true! That's not even a real address!

Gloria: Oh, it's not? But how would you know that? Unless this order is some sort of prank...

Cricket: (through gritted teeth) 123 Stinky Street, huh??

Gloria: Great! See you when it's done!

(Cricket now has to do more work.)

Cricket: ...O‐kay.

Biggest Bank[]

(The alarm rings at a larger bank; Bash and Bella emerge from the sewers below.)

Bash: Got a little dirty, but we made out clean.

Bella: Clean or dirty, I love you either way.

Bash: Oh, yeah?

Bella: You know I do.

(They inch closer, almost kissing...)

Bash: I know you love dirt.
Bella: I know you know I do.

(...then...)

Bash and Bella: Ride's here!

Bella: All, right, Alice, let's... go?

(She notices Bill.)

Bella: Who is this?

Gramma: Where are my manners? Bill, Bella, Bash. Bella, Bash, Bill. Bash, Bill, Bella.

Bill: Ohp! Hey, just getting a news alert on my smartphone. Not sure how to, uh... Oh, it's playing.

Maria Media: We're getting reports of two passionate criminals robbing banks across Big City!

(Which turns out to be Bash and Bella; a file photo of them against an explosion with Bash holding a rose in his teeth is shown.)

Maria Media: If you see this double trouble duo, alert authorities immediately!

Bill: Sheesh. Better keep an eye out for‐‐ (gasps)

(Yep, they're in the car.)

Bill: Ma, all this time, you've been driving around criminals!!

Gramma: Is this true?

(Bash and Bella look to each other; then Gramma is tossed out of her car.)

Gramma: (grunts) Hey!!

Bella: Thanks for the ride!

(Bash can't push Bill out.)

Bash: (grunt) I can't get the other one out!

Bella: We've got no time! Drive!!

Gramma: Hey!!

(The car drives away.)

Gramma: THAT'S MY CAR!! AND MY SON!!

(Nearby...)

Officer Keys: Ahhh, what a beautiful day! And the perfect place for a lean.

(The car drives over his foot. Crunch!)

Keys: Wow! That's no good!

Gramma: Officer Keys! You gotta go after those criminals! They have my son!!

Keys: Well, gosh I'd love to, but my driving foot has a flat!

(He holds up his foot.)

Gramma: Then I'll drive.

(Somewhere else...)

Bella: Hey, babe, can I drive?

Bash: Sure thing, babe, take the wheel.

(And she does.)

Bella: Wow, babe, your hair smells so nice today.

Bill: I'm so uncomfortable!!

(Then a police siren is heard; they're coming for them.)

Bella: Ugh, they're gaining on us!

(Inside the police cruiser...)

Gramma: How could I be so dumb?! I put my son in danger all because I wanted a five‐star rating!

Keys: Look, we've all done crazy things for stars. (shows his three stars) I mean, that's the only reason I'm a cop!

(Then water bottles are flung at them, courtesy of Bella.)

Bill: What a shame. All out of water bottles. Maybe we should just pull over.

Bash and Bella: Shut up!!

Bella: (rummaging around) Come on, old lady, don't you have anything besides expired mints?!

(Then she takes out Swordy.)

Bella: Oh! (laughs) Yah!

(She slices a lamp post in two, causing a huge pileup to form.)

Gramma: Yaah!
Keys: Aah!

(She takes a different turn.)

Keys: What are you doing? We're gonna lose 'em! And you're headed right toward the Big City Ramp Museum!

(Show the Ramp Museum, which is located at a convienient location. Gramma heads directly at it, launching off it and gaining air. They land on the road...)

Keys (OS): Whoa! Oof!

(...nope! They're actually driving on the side of a building. Keys screams; the car lands on the awning for It's Awn! (Awnings 'N' such) and lands near Gramma's car.)

Keys: WHOA!!

Bella: Time to punch it, babe. You ready?

Bash and Bella: Footsie!

(They speed off...)

Construction site[]

(Tilly has placed her phone on the ground...)

Tilly: Okay, Agatha, just stay calm...

(And she is now on the crane, raising a girder. Who can't trust a kid with a crane, after all?)

Tilly: YOU'LL SOON BE FREE OF YOUR PHONE PRISON!

Agatha: I'm sorry, Toolbox, I didn't quite get that.

Tilly: JUST LET ME DO THIS FOR YOU!!!!!

123 Stinky Street[]

(Cricket has actually delivered all the lattes.)

Cricket: (grunting and gasping) I can't believe that yet again my actions have had consequences!

(His phone rings; he goes to check it, but he spills all the lattes.)

Cricket: Uh‐‐ Uh‐‐ Whoa!! Uh... h‐hello? (picks up)

Gloria: (phone; with British accent) Hello, this is Mrs. Greenburgshire. I'm just letting you know we won't be needing those lattes anymore because Mr. Greenburgshire just got...

Big Coffee[]

Gloria: ...DUNKED ON, BOIIIIIII!!!

Cricket (phone): G‐‐ Gloria? How long have you known?

Gloria: (chuckles) The whole time.

123 Stinky Street[]

Gloria (phone): Byeeeee!

(Thud.)

Somewhere nearby[]

(The two cars ignore a pedestrian, who stops inches away from the cars; he isn't hit.)

Keys: They won't stop!! What are we gonna do?!

Gramma: Watch this!

(She turns the car...)

Keys: Whoa!

Gramma: Yeah!!

(...and it collides with her car, sending it down...)

123 Stinky Street[]

(...the very street Cricket is at.)

Cricket: Welp, today can't get any worse.

(Splash!)

Cricket: Never mind. It can...

(Then the car donuts into the construction site... the very site Tilly is at.)

Bash, Bella and Bill: Whoa‐ohh!

Tilly: Agatha, BE FREE!

(The occupants scream in horror; then the girder falls on the car, totaling it once again.)

Tilly: Woo‐hoo! (realizes) ...Oh, my...

(The car is totaled once again; Bill plops down.)

Bill: Oof! Freedom!!

Bash: Come on, babe! Let's get outta here!

(Then the police cruiser arrives. No way out.)

Bash and Bella: Huh?!

Gramma: Oh, hey, there. Need a lift?

(They are cuffed.)

Bash: Bella! Please, baby, don't leave me!!

Bella: Bash! We've never been this far apart!! Remember me!!

(They try to kiss but fail.)

Keys: O‐kay! I think it's about time you two got a room... (serious) In prison.

(Gramma is helping Bill up.)

Keys: Oh, hey, Mrs. Green! Great driving back there!

Gramma: See, Bill? A fan of my driving who's not a criminal!

Bill: Actually, make that two non‐criminals.

Gramma: Aww, really?

Bill: Your driving style's not for everyone. But it sure saved my bacon back there.

(An officer arrives with extremely wet Cricket.)

Police officer: Excuse me. Does this extremely wet boy belong to you?

Bill: Oh, yep, I'll take that. Well, whaddya say we head home‐‐ (notices...) Oh! Tilly, you're here.

Tilly: Can't talk. Checking something. (gasps; she has finally found the phone) Agatha!

(The phone is broken.)

Agatha: Thank you, Tilly. You're the only one who cared about meeee...

(And it turns off for the final time.)

Tilly: Fly on, you crazy angel... You're free!

Bill: (oddly calm) ...That phone cost me $200.