Sellouts/Transcript

Greens' house, dining room[]

(Our Card appears as writing on a blackboard, which Bill erases. The other Greens are sitting down on chairs.)

Tilly Green: Psst. Do you know why we're sittin' here?

Cricket Green: I dunno, but I think Dad's having a meltdown.

Bill: (cleariy having a meltdown) Dad is not havin' a meltdown!!!

(...sure, Bill.)

Cricket: Kay.

(Bill yells; yep, meltdown. One deep breath later, and he composes himself.)

Bill: OK. So, I was checkin' our books, and...

(He writes the following down.)

Bill: Vegetable stand is... (snaps fingers) broke.

(The Greens are shocked.)

Gramma: What?!

Cricket: Seriously?!

Bill: Which means we need to sell all of our fruits and vegetables today.

(He momentarily melts down again with the anxiety effects.)

Bill: Or else I'll lose my livelihood and I don't know if I'll be able to feed or clothe any of you.

Tilly: ...Woof.

Cricket: How are we supposed to sell all of our vegetables? That never happens!

Bill: Cricket, we're gonna work together as a family to save the farm.

(The Greens exclaim in determination:)

Tilly: Whoo!
Cricket: Yeah!
Gramma: Mmm-hmm, mmm-hmm.

(Here's our favorite temporary resident of the Greens' house.)

Gloria Sato: Woo, yeah! What can I do to help?

Bill: Oh, hi Gloria! I forgot that you lived here. Don't worry about it, we've got it under control.

Gloria: What?? If you're in this much trouble, you must need some extra hands.

Bill: Look, it's...uh, farm stuff. Selling vegetables isn't like making lattes.

Cricket: You can feed the chickens for me. That's exactly like making lattes.

Gloria: Cricket, how are you making lattes?

(It is apparent the boy has figured out a way to make lattes, judging by his face and wink.)

Bill: Seriously, don't worry about it. Not everyone's cut out for farming. And that's OK.

Cricket: Yeah, lots of people can't do stuff.

Tilly: I still think you're cool, Gloria.

Bill: See?

(Bill leaves.)

Gloria: Uh, but...

Porch[]

(The Greens exit the house, leaving Gloria.)

Bill: So, we'll go save the vegetable stand, while you stay here and hang out! You can keep chillaxin' to the maxin'. Everyone else? We sell, or we starve.

(Cricket sighs; Gloria enters the house.)

Living room[]

(Gloria is chillaxin' to the maxin' on the couch.)

Gloria: They think I'm useless!!! (buries her face in her palms) Ugh.

(Idea.)

Gloria: I know. I'll feed Cricket's chickens. That'll prove ol' Gloria's worth.

(She gets up and exits.)

Kitchen[]

(Gloria looks for a bag of chicken feed.)

Gloria: Hmm. Chicken food, chicken food.

Front yard/Chicken coop[]

(Gloria has obtained said chicken food. Except it's not actually chicken food, it's bananas.)

Gloria: I mean, how hard can this be? Everyone likes bananas. They're healthy.

(She opens the coop...)

Gloria: Oh, wow.

(...and 41 chickens are waiting for her.)

Gloria (OS): There's a lot of you, huh?

Gloria: Well, I hope you--

(One of the chickens fly out and is initiating a chicken run!)

Gloria: Oh no! (running after it) Chicken, come back!!!

Farmer's Market, Greens' stand[]

(Ah, nice day for the Farmer's Market. Alexander and Terry are in front view; we then pan to the Green Family Farms Stand.)

Bill: Okay guys, huddle up. We need a game plan to sell these veggies. No idea's a bad idea. So, whaddya you got for me?

Cricket: Selling is all about publicity. And what would bring in more publicity than a publicity stunt?

Tilly: Sales are about a personal connection. I will therefore connect, and build an empire of commerce using only my eyes.

Gramma: Fear's what motivates sales! That's how you sell diet soda and insurance.

Bill: All 10 out of 10 ideas, family.

(Hands together...)

Bill: Three, two, one...

The Greens: Sale!

(Gramma and Cricket run off to do their tactics.)

The Greens: GREEN FAMILY FARM FOREVER!!!

(...while Bill and Tilly stay behind...)

Bill: And now, to man the cash register.

(The "cash register" is actually some of the lettuce and eggplants... wait.)

Bill: Aah! I FORGOT THE CASH REGISTER!!!

(He runs off to get a cash register.)

Tilly: It's time... for Tilly Tactics. Let's make a personal connection.

(She momentarily scans the area for lucky people, then quickly decides...)

Tilly: Hey, you in the red coat!

Girl in the red coat: Uh, me?

Tilly: Yes, you. Come to Tilly.

Girl in the red coat: Uh, okay...?

(And here she is.)

Tilly: What's your name?

Girl in the red coat: Angela.

(She clasps hands with Tilly...)

Tilly: Angela! What a beautiful name.

Girl in the red coat (Angela): Uh, thank you?

(Tilly enters full hypnosis mode; we're in Angela's eyes.)

Tilly: Now tell me, Angela, would you like to buy some vegetables from me?

(...and Tilly's eyes.)

Angela: Uh, no thank you.

Tilly: Ah, we'll just have to keep gazin' until we've made a strong personal connection that motivates you to buy our vegetables.

Angela: I...um...

(Angela tries to look away, but...)

Tilly: (full-on getting into it, pushes Angela's face to her side again) Ba-ba-ba. Don't break eye contact. Just look at me.

Somewhere else[]

(It's showtime; Cricket's on the scene, ready to wax advertisement all over all the bystanders. He holds a sign reading "Green's Farm Stunt Spectacular".)

Cricket: Come one, come all! To the Green family farm's publicity stunt spectacular!

(This ad draws the attention of everyone but the green woman down left. First stop: elderly woman...)

Cricket: Prepare to have your minds blown!

(...then two men...)

Cricket: Your boons daggled!

Cricket (OS): All taking place at...

(He pops in between the two men!)

Cricket: ...the Green family farm's booth this afternoon!

Guy #1: Wanna go check it out?

Guy #2: Uh, sure.

Cricket: That's the spirit!

(Somewhere else. Again. Gramma hides behind a barrel, waiting to make her move; like a game of chess with tactics at the helm.)

Gramma: Okay, Alice, let's scare the dollars right out of their wallets.

(In comes an eccentric guy.)

Hot Dog Guy: Oh, boy! ♪ Hot dog time! Hot dog time! Hot dog time! ♪ (Gramma snatches the hot dog) Hot dog?

Gramma: Don't you know what this unhealthy garbage does to ya?

Hot Dog Guy: Fills up my tummy yummy yummy?

(Hot Dog Slap!)

Gramma: No!! IT'LL MAKE YOUR BONES ROT!!! Eat your vegetables, ya idiot!!!!!!!

(Gramma takes out the entire ice cream off Benny's cone.)

Gramma: GIMME THAT!!!!

(In comes another guy.)

Guy: La la la la -- (gets the ice cream thrown at by Gramma) oof!

Gramma: Ice cream'll make your hair fall out!!! FRUITS AND VEGGIES ARE THE ONLY THINGS KEEPING US ALIVE!!!!! If ya don't eat enough veggies, your body will shrivel up!!!!!!! LIKE A GRAPE IN THE SUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Just look at me!!!!!

(Intense background and extreme close up time!)

Gramma: I'M ONLY 25!!!!!!!!!

(The anti-Wholesome Foods women both scream in terror and run away!)

Gramma: And make sure you buy your produce at Green family farms.

(The job done, she chuckles.)

Gramma: We'll be rakin' in the dough with the stand in no time.

Greens' house[]

(The chicken is now on the roof; we hear the strained sounds of a tired Gloria, who has lugged herself up there. The chicken moves only a few meters away from her as she arrives. She lunges... she scores!)

Gloria: Ha!!! Gotcha! See? I can farm!

Chicken: Bawk?

(A connection has materialized. A realization. The chicken puts on a cool face.)

Gloria: Actually... You're pretty cool looking for a chicken. Gonna just post this... (snap) Hashtag it up.

Chicken: Baq-kaw?

Gloria: (picking up the ability to understand chicken) Hm?

(Now she realizes, from that short "bawk", that...)

Gloria: I left the chicken door open!!!

(Everyone's off now. GREAT.)

Gloria: NO!!!!!! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! THE GREENS' CHICKENS!!!

(She tries to get off, but falls:)

Gloria: Aah! (grunts)

(Now she chases after the chickens.)

Gloria: No, no, no, no!!!

Elkins Apartment[]

(The chickens are... boarding the bus for 415 Midtown?!)

Gloria: Do chickens understand busses???

(One of the chickens stop to bring Gloria this message...)

Chicken: Bawk.

(...then jumps in! The bus takes off to parts unknown! A brief freeze-frame of the bus as it goes reveals it has a sticker for Croblins Legacy... kinda rings some bells, doesn't it?)

Gloria: Did you know about this?

Gloria's chicken: Baqaw.

(She runs after the bus.)

Gloria: Chickens!!!

Farmer's Market, Green Family Farms stand[]

(Bill has returned, though there is no cash register; Cricket leads the intrigued, the curious, the interested, to the Green farm stand.)

Cricket: Alright, everyone, this way for the Cricket Green publicity stunt spectacular!

Bill: Wow, son. You sure were able to bring in a lot of customers.

(Cricket tosses away the sign.)

Cricket: Oh, it was easy once I told them about my... A big fat stunt.

Bill: What exactly are you gonna do?

Cricket: Well, father, I thought you'd never ask. Take a look!

(Whip up there; it's kinda dangerous, but it'll do for now.)

Cricket (VO): I built a ramp out of old rickety crates from the dumpster.

(Bill is shocked and in awe!)

Cricket (OS): Which I am going to ride down.

(The camera is at the end of the ramp. Shaky ramp, shaky ramp...)

Cricket (VO): Then I'll hit the jump...

Cricket: …fly over the Farmer's Market, smash into the center of the bullseye...

(…which is painted on a billboard for Splish with a bucket breaking his fall...)

Cricket (VO): ...then for safety, I'll fall into that precariously balanced bucket of water on a stick.

(Which is of course teetering to and fro. This is no Sunday stunt.)

Cricket: Simultaneously cleaning me...

(…and we pan down to reveal his... uh... bigger butt. Why? He will continue to explain.)

Cricket: …while activating the bath bombs I've taped to mine bare buttocks, launching me straight into the air, and exploding for a bubbly finale!

(The girl with what looks like Mabel Pines' hairstyle takes off her sunglasses in awe.)

One of the girls: Wow.

Cricket: Oh, and did I mention that I'll be...

(…producin' two bottles of honey out of his pockets, which allows him to be...)

Cricket: …covered in honey?

(We zoom into the honey bottle, and its face turns into one of a lion's while one roars in the background. Honey... Is there anything it can't do? The girls exclaim in approval.)

Bill: Hold on. How does that help us sell vegetables?

Cricket: You tell me. You're already mannin' the merch table.

Bill: Merch table?

(He picks up a particular carrot; it seems to have been drawn on by marker! The text reads...)

Bill (OS): "CRICKET'S STUNT. I WAS THERE".

Bill: Well, I'll be. You really think this is gonna work?

(Cricket's now on something...)

Cricket: Trust me, Dad. I'm a genius.

(...a rocket-powered roller shoe!)

Cricket: Show starts in 5, people!

Bill: Gee, Cricket's sure givin' it his all.

(He turns to Hypnotist Tilly.)

Bill: How're you doing, sweetie?

(...)

Bill: Hm.

(The background turns swirly as Tilly continues to connect... and connect... and connect...)

Tilly: So tell me, Angela... what do you fear?

Angela: I guess, being alone forever. Wait. Why did I tell you that?

Tilly: Because our connection grows stronger. Soon you will be purchasin' a bounty of our vegetables. Do you feel it, Angela?

Angela: I don't know. I'm scared.

Tilly: We're... connecting.

(A gross SQUELCH is heard as Tilly and Angela's eyes literally connect and fuse. Ew. Angela draws away, breaking the connection.)

Angela: Aah! Ew! Our eyeballs touched! Oh, gross!!...

(And there she goes.)

Tilly: Drat.

Somewhere else[]

(A megaphone-wielding Gramma takes to the stands and streets to broadcast her public service announcement.)

Gramma: YOU GOTTA EAT FRUITS AND VEGGIES FROM GREEN FAMILY FARMS!!! (addressing a guy licking a hotdog) You! You would've gotten into law school if you ate more broccoli!!!

Guy: It's true!!! (runs off crying)

Gramma: Don't I know it? Ain't no one NOTHIN' without their veggies!!! AIN'T NO ONE --

(A familiar purple hand of the law stops her.)

Officer Keys: Whoa, there. What's with all the commotion, Mrs. Green?

Gramma: Stay outta this, Keys. It ain't illegal to sell tomatoes.

Keys: Well, no, but it is illegal to harass all of these people.

(In comes the people targeted by the ad.)

Gramma: You ungrateful snitches!!! Well, if that's the way it's gonna be, I AIN'T GOIN' OUT WITHOUT A FIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!

(She kicks Officer Keys' leg!!!)

Gramma: Hi-yah!

(Keys inhales sharply; he is straining, though manages to keep his cheerfulness.)

Keys: Attacking a police officer is a serious offense!

(Until he pulls out the cuffs and darkens the background in a serious move.)

Keys: You're coming with me.

Greens' stand[]

Tilly: I failed as a businesswoman... My plan went belly-up, Papa.

Bill: You tried your best, sweetie, and I'm sure everything will be okay. Maybe Gramma's plan will--

(No. It won't. Keys has led Gramma into his police cruiser; she is thrashing around in the back seat like a caged animal!)

Keys: You earned yourself a stay, in time out!

Gramma: (struggling) NO CELL CAN HOLD ME!!! JUST YOU WAIT!!!!!

Bill: Our fate is in Cricket's hands, now.

Tilly: Hmm.

(Hands together... Cricket's their only hope; now Tilly and Bill need to hope that it works.)

Near the market[]

(The bus drops the chickens at the market. And off they go! Soon, a veeeeeeeeeeery tired Gloria arrives.)

Gloria: Oh... chickens... Why??? Ugh.

(She momentarily drops to her knees, but soon afterward looks up to see that...)

Gloria: They actually took the bus to the Farmer's Market??? Where the Greens are??? No!!!

(Off she goes again.)

Cricket's stunt ramp[]

Cricket: Okay. It's up to me and Gramma to save the stand.

(A view of the below; many of the customers targeted by the ad campaigns - amongst them the anti-zuke woman - have arrived to see this stunt.)

Bill: Cricket! Gramma's out! It's up to you, now!

Cricket: So it goes.

(With honey over his head, he launches!)

Cricket: Yah!!! GREEN FAMILY FARM FOREVER!!!!!!

(A wide view of the ramp and Cricket riding down the ramp.)

Cricket: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!

(Two women hold up their dollars; prospectful customers.)

One of the girls: I'm gonna buy a ton of produce from their stand if this works!

(In comes one of the rogue chickens...)

Chicken: Bawk bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk-bawk bawk.

Cricket: Yah-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!

(The chicken has the guts to peck on the wood, causing the one stand to fall and the ramp to collapse.)

Cricket: AAH!!!

(Face down. OUCH. He then hits the floor multiple times, bouncing all the way... then collides with the stand with the bucket. The water drops on him, activating the bath bombs.)

Crowd (in particular one of the girls): Boo! Disappointing!

(The prospectful customers aren't customers; they leave.)

Bill: Oh, my.

Chicken: Bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk bawk

Cricket: He...llo?

Nearby[]

Keys: We'll continue this time out back at the station! Just as soon as I find my keys.

(As he speaks, the chicken toddles into frame.)

Chicken: Baaawk.

Gramma: Hey! I know you!

(The chicken uses its beak as a lockpick, freeing Gramma from captivity. Another chicken pecks the "I" out of "I WAS THERE". Yes, the chickens were there to see it.)

Bill: Wait, are these our chickens?

Tilly: They are! But shouldn't they be at home with Gloria?

Bill: Yes. They should be.

(Bill shoots a look off-screen... to...)

Gloria hiding behind a trash can: Hi... Mr. Green.....

Bill: Gloria... Did you let out all of our chickens?

Gloria: Yes!!! Jeez.

Nearby the Greens' stand[]

(The Greens surround Gloria.)

Gloria: Hello everyone. It's true. I am useless.

(She covers her face once again with her palms.)

Gloria: I couldn't even feed chickens, and now they're all over the place.

Bill: Well, don't worry about them. You just didn't know to never open up the coop when Tilly's out of the house. Look!

(True animal magnetism is unfolding before our very eyes; Tilly may not have connected with Angela, but she has connected with her chickens.)

Bill (OS): They'd travel any distance for her.

Tilly: Come to me, my poopy angels.

Bill: I know you were just trying to help, but no one's good at everything.

Cricket: Don't worry, Gloria. We're useless, too. We didn't sell anything today!

Gramma: Mm-hmm.

(Yep, inventory's still full.)

Gramma (OS): Lots of vegetables still on the stand.

Bill (OS): Yeah, that ain't good.

Bill: I guess we still have some time. Come on, y'all, let's make ourselves useful.

(The Greens exit, just as Gloria's phone buzzes. Something she sees sparks an idea...)

Gloria: Hoopa-doop! Hey Greens, check it out! (She runs up to them.) I posted this picture of one of your chickens this morning, because she looked cool.

(True cool.)

Cricket: Yeah, I can see it.

Gloria: I hashtagged it "cool," "chicken," and "cool chicken," and it went viral!

Bill: Gloria, I don't understand.

Gloria: Are you all on social?

Bill: (who has apparently sold all the Fun Föns he bought and has never gone social...) Uh...

(Apparently, no; because they lived off the grid their whole life and had very little experience.)

Gloria: Okay, well... you should be!

(She sets her eyes on a particular carrot.)

Gloria (OS): That way people will know what you're selling. Take a pic... (snap) ...and throw on a filter... (filtered) ...hot stuff! Ready to post.

Tilly: Wow... Gloria, you're like a doctor at this.

Gloria: (realizing something) Yeah, I am good at this. (with another idea springing up) Hey, Bill, do you have any extra shirts in your truck?

Bill: Yes. And why?

(She opens the "trunk" of the Kludge. Bingo.)

Gloria: Instant uniforms!

(To make things better, there's some cans of paint. Bango.)

Gloria: Huh. Now, that's an idea...

Greens' modified stand, sunset[]

(Some time later, the Greens' stand is tricked out; with a sign adorning the top, the stall is buzzing with customers! The anti-zuke woman takes home a bag of produce. Everyone from earlier has returned to the stand to buy, buy, buy!)

Gramma: (taking a pic) Number sign, potato. I'm an influencer!

Gloria: Hey, all! Still going good?

Tilly: Yeah, Gloria. We're selling tons! (being paid) Thank you.

Bill: Yeah, we even got a customer who saw your post and drove all the way from Medium City! Medium City, Gloria!

Cricket: And these uniforms are really doin' stuff!

Elderly woman: I'll take these tomatoes, young man.

Cricket: How as it? I just sold the last vegetable!

(He jumps into one of the crates!)

Cricket: The stand is saved!

Gloria: I dunno. Looks like we still have a coconut in there.

Cricket: (chuckling) I get it.

Bill: Sorry for dismissing you earlier. I should've seen you for what you could do. Instead of what you couldn't... It was very cool of you to save our behinds like you did.

Gloria: Yeah. It was cool.

Man: Man, not as cool as that chicken!

(Our cool chicken takes the pose that ends the episode:)

The Cool Chicken: Baqaw! Bawk.