Chipwrecked/Transcript

Big Coffee, exterior[]

(Episode title appears on a chocolate bar wrapper that a pigeon is gripping. It flies by Big Coffee.)

Cricket (OS): Gather round, gather round...

Interior[]

Cricket: ...and welcome to Bring Your Family to Work Day, where I get to show you how I do my job. This here is our coffee station, where I make all that good bean juice.

Bill: Wow, son, it's so great to be able to watch you work!

Cricket: Ha-ha-ho! You're gonna do more than watch. Who wants to get the hands-on experience?!

(He presents them their very own Big Coffee uniforms. They put them on.)

Bill: Brown? My favorite color!

Tilly: Ooh! Very nice!

(Zoom back to reveal an unimpressed Gloria.)

Gloria: Hey. I see what you're doing, tricking your family into doing work for you.

Cricket: Maybe...

Gloria: What do you think Ms. Cho would think about this?

Cricket: She's fine with it!

(He points out the busy Ms. Cho at a table, she grunts.)

Gloria: Ugh. Whatever.

(Unseen by anyone, someone is on a table behind Gloria reading The Daily Spy newspaper; the paper lowers to reveal the head of a man wearing a headband adorned with cameras, and looking at Cricket with interest...)

Wholesome Foods Corporation, Chip's office[]

(His tablet showing five different camera angles of Cricket.)

Chip: I've got eyes on you, Cricket Green. Eyes from five slightly different camera angles.

(He takes some printed thing off a printer, then attaches the pic of Cricket into an intricate evidence board.)

Chip: After my next big plan, you and your family will regret ever stepping foot in my city! In Chip Whistler's city!!!

(His new platinum tooth shines; he laughs maniacally. Greg and Rose pop in.)

Greg: (pulling up a map of Big City) Actually, sir, the city's more of a mix between public and private lands with four zones devoted solely to residential--

Chip: I don't care about zoning laws!!! What I care about is...

(Greg does mimicking gestures, which Rose silently laughs to.)

Chip (OS): ...taking down the Green family, once and for all!

(Chip paces around the room. The evidence board shows a picture of Remy Remington (marked as "WHO? WHY?", Tilly, and Cricket; one of the documents on Bill's board showing his missing finger.)

Chip: I'll admit, my plans of the past have all had... mishaps.

(Show the blueprint for a failed plan.)

Chip (OS): Operation Crop Cover was brilliant on paper.

Greens' house, flashback[]

(Bill is innocently watering the crops; suddenly a shadow rises above him.)

Flashback Bill: Hm?

(The billboard for Wholesome Foods is put up.)

Flashback Chip: Good luck growing vegetables without the sun! (laughs evilly)

(A bolt on the stand flies off...)

Chip (VO): But there were too many... technical setbacks.

(...and the billboard topples on Chip. Crushed!)

Farmer's Market[]

(Gramma watches the stand; Chip discreetly plants leaves.)

Chip (VO): Same goes for Operation Stand Sabotage.

(He almost loses his balance.)

Flashback Chip: Whoa--! (sighs; evil laughing)

(But what he doesn't know is that he's standing in front of a billboard for Another Billboard Co. that reads "Need a second billboard? We've got you covered!" It falls on him.)

Somewhere in an alley[]

(Chip paints a fake tunnel. He hears a few beeps from an off-screen Tilly and he hides behind an electric generator. Tilly rides her bike... into the fake tunnel.)

Chip (VO): No matter how much work I put into a plan, there's always something that gets in my way!

(Chip tries to charge into the fake tunnel, but slams into it instead. They've played the Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner roles here!)

Flashback Chip: Aaah--Oof!

Chip's office, present day[]

Chip: ...That last one might have been a sleep-deprived hallucination.

(Knocking.)

Wholesome Foods employee: Ah, sorry to interrupt your extended monologue, but the VP is here to see you.

(The vice-president of Wholesome Foods walks up; cyan slender woman.)

VP: Hello, Chip.

(She presses a button that makes the shutter rise, exposing Chip to sunlight.)

Chip: Ahh!! No!! I like it spooky!

VP: (showing him papers) Sorry, Chip, but we've been waiting on you to sign these forms for weeks.

Chip: (groans, whines) I don't have time for this!

VP: Also, the board's weekly meeting is starting soon.

(Pan left to reveal the meeting about to start.)

VP (OS): As the Wholesome Foods CEO, you really should be there.

Chip: Sorry, but I've got too much on my plate here, chipping--

(A rimshot is played. Chip looks back at Greg and Rose, Greg coughs.)

Chip: --away at a much more pressing issue, so thank you for nothing, goodbye!

(He shuts the door.)

Chip: Now, where were we?

(He pulls down the shutters again.)

Chip: Oh, right. Watch out, Cricket Green: I've still got one last trick up my sleeve...

Big Coffee, interior[]

(Bill fails to clean the coffee maker.)

Bill: Aw, jeez, what have you gotten yourself into, Bill? So many little parts!

Cricket: Hiya, Pop!

Bill: Ohh!!

Cricket: How's the Big Coffee Hands-On Experience goin'?

Bill: OK, I guess, but cleanin' this thing is a bit harder than I imagined. Actually, I could really use your help.

Cricket: Heh-heh, oh, no you don't, big guy. I've got full confidence in you. (clicks tongue)

Bill: Oh! (blushes) Heh. Heck.

Cricket: Hey, Tilly, how's the moppin'-- I mean, water drawing going?

Tilly: You're just in time! Princess Clementine and Prince Salvador just eloped!

(Show her mopping drawing.)

Tilly/"Prince Salvador": "Oh, my dearest Clementine, let us smooch. Mwah!"

(While speaking, Tilly slushes the drawings together, making them "kiss".)

Tilly: Aren't they just perfect for each other?

Cricket: Great work, Tilly! Just don't forget to erase the whole floor now!

Tilly: You got it, brother!

Cricket: Fantastic!

(He walks off, thumbs up. Gramma is physically grinding the coffee beans.)

Cricket: Hey, Gramma! Grindin' up those beans real good, huh?

Gramma: Ha! You thought I couldn't do it, but I'm showin' you!

Cricket: Yes. Yes you are, madam.

(He backs into the sun chair.)

Cricket: Keep on at it, everyone! I gotta go take my state-mandatory four-to-six-hour break now-- (he trips against it) Whoa! (clears throat) Against the law if I don't! But I'll be back to join y'all after.

Gloria: This is insane! You're just gonna let him lay around all day?

(Ms. Cho groans indifferently.)

Gloria: It's fine, because he convinced his family to work for free?

Ms. Cho: (grumbles "Mm-hmm")

Gloria: Why didn't I bring my family? You know they live really far away! B-Besides, Bring Your Family to Work Day isn't a real thing!

(Heavy rumbling begins.)

Exterior[]

(The purple female is seen drinking her coffee when she sees the big... thing... tank... thing?... pull up. She gasps, as if she saw something really huge. The thing is for Wholesome Coffee; Gloria, Ms. Cho and Cricket exit the building and look at the monstrosity that is totally going to sell coffee to bystanders.)

Cricket: What the heck is that??

Chip: (pops off the top; now dressed in Mad Max-styled gear) Oh, you mean my Wholesome Foods Coffee Truck?

Cricket: (laughs) Oh, never mind, it's just Chip.

Gloria: What on earth are you doing??!

Chip: Little lady, I am putting Big Coffee out of business! And then Cricket will have to get a new job, and the commute will probably be really long, and he will be so inconvenienced!

(As he speaks, Greg and Rose, now with face paint, rise up; both have some kind of launcher hooked up to something.)

Cricket: (not the least bit surprised) And how, exactly, do you plan on putting Big Coffee out of business?

Chip: Sir!

(A man (who appears to have the same color as Greg) is about to enter.)

Chip (OS): Are you looking for a coffee?

Man: Oh! Yeah, I was just gonna go in here and buy some.

Chip: No need! Greg, top him off!

(Greg primes his launcher; then it spews out coffee on the man's mouth.)

Chip: Stop. Venti, venti! (to the man) Hey, buddy, you had enough?

(The man now has a bloated stomach.)

Man: (smacking his lips) I have! Thank you! Goodbye!

(He leaves, humming. Gloria is concerned.)

Chip: (evil laugh) Now, do that grandma!

(Rose fires hers.)

Elderly woman: Huh?

(Sprayed.)

Elderly woman: Thank you!

(Greg and Rose continue to serve passers-by coffee.)

Chip: (evil laugh) I'll be here day and night, caffeinating any thirsty customer who comes close to this place! And you'll be out of business in less than a week!!!

(Ms. Cho grumbles worriedly; Cricket walks up to her, still not surprised.)

Cricket: (with a tinge of confidence) Don't worry, Ms. Cho. Chip's plan ain't gonna work.

Chip (OS): Uh, excuse me?

(On him.)

Chip: What do you mean, "it's not gonna work"?

Cricket: Chip, you're a joke! We all know how this goes!

(On his frustrated face.)

Cricket (OS): First, you make a goofy little plan, it fails, you chip your tooth. And then I come out on top. Bingo bango.

Chip: I'm-- I'm not a joke!! You're a joke!

Cricket: (smirking) Mm-hmm.

Chip: "Mm-hmm" yourself.

(On cue, here comes Officer Keys.)

Keys: Hello!

Chip: (surprised by Keys' appearance) Oh!

Keys: Just a heads-up, citizen: You seem to have parked next to a fire hydrant.

Chip: Ugh! Just give me a citation or whatever.

Keys: Sure! No sweat! Also, heads-up...

(A tow truck edges closer to the coffee truck and the hook grabs onto it.)

Keys: ...you're getting towed on account of what I said earlier about that fire hydrant.

Chip (OS): What?!?

(On the truck, Chip loses his balance.)

Chip: Wha-wha-whoa! Whaa--! Aah!!

(Again, this time he latches onto one of the spikes. One of his legs are in the way of the fire hydrant, he grabs it; nothing can go wrong, right?)

Bill: Hey, is everything OK out he-- Oh, never mind, it's just Chip.

Chip: (groans) Is that all ya got? A tow truck?

(The hydrant is loose, sending him skywards and into a billboard ironically for "I Love Me Teeth! Toothpaste". Chip is still standing.)

Building[]

Chip: Ha-ha! Is this where my plan fails and I chip my tooth?

Big Coffee, exterior[]

(Cricket stands, smug.)

Chip (OS): 'Cause good luck! I have titanium teeth now!

Building[]

Chip: And they'll never--

(He falls off the building and onto a hot dog stand. Ouch. He rises, now with a black eye.)

Chip: I'm sorry to inform you that I still haven't chipped my tooth, thanks to my indestructible--

(CRASH! The billboard has fallen. Cricket walks over to him and notices the chip. Chip's tooth has chipped... so much for "indestructible".)

Cricket: (whistling; mockingly) Told ya, Chip. (picks up the chipped tooth) A nice one for my collection. Good try!

(He leaves nonchalantly; Chip sits up.)

Chip: (groans) Huh...?

(He notices the chipped tooth; he screams in agony as the camera zooms into his screaming mouth.)

Wholesome Foods Corp, Chip's office[]

(Chip is laying on the floor, groaning after his latest defeat.)

Chip: Cricket's right. I'm a joke...

(His phone rings; it's Mr. Whistler on vacation.)

Mr. Whistler: Chip?

Chip: Hey, Dad.

Mr. Whistler: Son, I hear you've been skipping out on your CEO duties lately.

Chip: Yeah, I've been busy... trying to destroy the Gr-- (realizes his slip-up) Uh, a-- a work problem! Yeah, destroy a work problem!

Mr. Whistler: Well, what's the holdup? You're the boss now!

Chip: I know! It's just that things... always... backfire on me.

Mr. Whistler: You don't have to go it alone, son. Put the company to work for you.

Chip: The company?

Mr. Whistler: Wholesome Foods is yours now. That comes with a lot of power and resources. Enough to take care of any little work problem that comes along. You're a CEO. All you gotta do is start acting like one.

(A smile creeps up his face; as if he has found his next stage in the battle.)

Chip: Yeah...

Mr. Whistler (OS): Love you, son.

Chip: Mm-hmm.

(Phone beeps; Chip stands up and stares into the Big City night. Greg and Rose enter.)

Greg: Uh, hey, boss. Everything OK?

Chip: I have no need for you two anymore. You're both fired.

(The two workers don't take this well.)

Greg: ...What?!

Chip: Get out!!!

(They do.)

Chip: Things are going to be a little... different from now on.

(He evilly chuckles as we fade to day.)

Meeting room[]

VP: The third quarter numbers are looking favorable for the--

(The door opens, revealing Chip's new styles.)

VP: Chip! So glad you could spare a few minutes out of your busy schedule to do your job.

Chip: Fair point. I've been too busy chasing side ventures to see the bigger picture.

(He puts down a briefcase on the table.)

Chip (OS): But those days are over.

Chip: From here on out, I'm all in. So get out of my chair.

VP: Yes, Mr. Whistler.

(The VP gets out of Chip's chair.)

Chip: We are at the dawn of a new era for Wholesome Foods. May I present to you all...

(He takes out the folder containing his new plan and passes it on the table...)

Chip (OS): ...my Wholesome Foods expansion plan.

Big Coffee, interior[]

Cricket: Is everyone ready for day two of Bring Your Family to Work Day?

(The family isn't really keen on this anymore.)

Cricket: Hey, c'mon, now! I expect my workers to have a better attitude than that!

Bill: "Workers"? Has all this been some sorta ruse to make us do your job for you?

Cricket: What? You wound me, father! I would never besmirch the good name of Bring Your Family to Work Day!

Bill: That's not a thing, is it?

Cricket: All right, all right, you got me. Gosh, I hope I grow up to be as smart and perceptive as you, Father.

Bill: Oh! Well, shoot, Cricket, I-- (Realizes what he's really saying) Hey, stop that! I've had enough! Let's all get outta here and leave Cricket to his job!

(Tilly approaches him, mop in hand.)

Cricket: Ah, dang it.

Tilly: (gives him the mop) And what have you learned from this, brother?

Cricket: (mopping with defeat) Tricking your family only works for so long, so enjoy it while it lasts.

(Just when you think it's over now, the door opens to reveal...)

Chip: Hello, Green family!

Cricket: (not surprised, as the day before) Hey look, it's Chip! What's the plan, you gonna pry open the register and knock out your front tooth?

Tilly: Cricket, we've seen his tooth do that already! It's gonna be front tooth stays in, but all the rest fall out around it.

Bill: Kids, please! It'll be a canine or somethin' from the lower set.

Gramma: My money's on a molar.

Chip: You guys are too...

(He snaps his fingers...)

Chip: ...funny.

(Then six burly guys walk in; they take everything away.)

Chip (OS): I'd like to introduce you guys to my new Wholesome Squad.

Gramma: Well, hello, young man-- (table she's sitting on is pried away; startled) AAH!!! What the heck?!

(The wall is sledgehammered; one bouncer corners Bill against the wall as another breaks the tip jar.)

Bill: Oof! Sir, I don't think you're allowed to do that.

(The kids' mocking enthusiasm is replaced with genuine shock.)

Cricket, Tilly: (suddenly in horror) Dad!!/Papa!!

Cricket: (now mad) You leave him alone, Chip!!

(Gloria is also watching.)

Gloria: Uh... Ms. Cho...

Ms. Cho: (grunts)

(The bouncers file back up.)

Chip: Pause it for a sec, fellas. Sorry about that. They're just excited to get a head start on dismantling.

Cricket: Quit hidin' behind your goons, and fight me yourself, coward!!

(He launches towards them...)

Cricket: YAH!!!!

(...but one of the goons holds him back by an arm.)

Chip: Aw, Cricket. Attacking an old friend...

(The goon tosses Cricket towards Bill, he grabs him in his arms.)

Chip (OS): ...Isn't very wholesome, now, is it?

Gloria: That's enough, Chip! Either get out, or we're calling the police.

Chip: Oh, there's no need for that.

(He takes out a small paper and writes on it.)

Chip: True, I don't own the place yet, but I will in about... five seconds.

(Ms. Cho is given the paper; her eyes widen in happiness.)

Ms. Cho: (grunts) Mmm!

(She shakes Chip's hand, takes off the business sweater she's been wearing and steps on it.)

Ms. Cho: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

(She then undoes her bun and puts on shades, then...)

Ms. Cho: Peace out, my dudes.

(She leaves; the Greens and Gloria are shocked. Beat...)

Chip: OK. Now, I own it. Which reminds me, you're all fired. Get out.

Exterior[]

(The Greens and Gloria are all kicked out of the now former Big Coffee; Cricket stands.)

Cricket: (pants; hoping for a silver lining) OK, his plan is working, but where's the part where it backfires on him? That's gotta be next, right?

Chip (OS): Hey, Cricket!

(He is by a white limo.)

Chip: Thank you so much for helping me get on the right track. I'd have stayed the same forever without your advice. (winks; opens the window) But I think my Wholesome Foods expansion plan will need a bit... more... space.

(As he speaks, Chip lays his eyes from Big Coffee onto the Greens' house... clearly not looking good.)

Chip: Who's a joke, now? Adios, Cricket!

(He leaves, and Cricket's eyes widen in shock; this is the end result of himself and the Greens thinking Chip changed his ways and signed that contract so he can take over the company... realizing this was clearly a bad idea. Cricket, his family and Gloria are beyond horrified.)

Bill: This ain't good. I-is he comin' after the house?? (nervous laugh) That would really not be good!!

Gramma: Yeah. 'CAUSE WE STILL LIVE IN IT!!!

Gloria: (in fetal position) I'm out of a job! How am I gonna pay rent??

Bill: ARE WE GONNA LOSE OUR HOUSE?!

Gramma: Chip has finally gone INSANE!!!

Cricket: What the heck is GOING ON?! Chip can't win!! It can't end like this!!

Tilly: And yet... it just... did.

(Their futures uncertain, the episode ends with a card that reads...)

(Then the end credits roll; not set to Do It All Again, but set to slow, ominous music, all under a still shot of the now-closed Big Coffee at night. After the credits roll, the Disney Television Animation logo appears.)