Green Christmas/Transcript

Prologue[]

Greens' house, various[]

(It is Christmas Eve; snow is falling at the Green House. Tilly is making a snowman with a gourd for a head.)

Cricket: (pops out of the chimney) Yeah! Chimney's all clear! No obstructions for Santa!

Bill: (from inside) CRICKET, GET OUT OF THE CHIMNEY!

Cricket: Merry Christmas, Dad!

Tilly: (finishing the snowman) Perfect. (Cricket flops down next to her.) Oh, hello, Cricket. And how are you on this fine, Christmas Eve morning?

Cricket: (cartwheels around) Oh, you know, just losing my gosh-dang mind and gettin' hyped for tomorrow!

Tilly: Christmas truly is a magical time.

Cricket: And do you know what the best part of Christmas is?!

Tilly: Well, it's hard to put your finger on just one --

(Song: The Best Part of Christmas)
Cricket: ♪ Ohhhhhhhh... ♪

Tilly: Ah, you're gonna sing this part.

Cricket: ♪ The best part of Christmas is the presents that I get ♪
♪ Like an action figure robot or a sweet toy jet ♪
♪ You can talk about your carols and your Christmas tree ♪
♪ But the best parts of Christmas are all the gifts for me ♪

Tilly: Or maybe...
♪ The best part of Christmas is when people do good ♪
♪ And they all spread kindness for the sake of brotherhood ♪
♪ You can talk about your reindeer and your shelf-bound elf ♪
♪ But holidays are best when folks don't think just of themselves ♪

Bill: Well, I think...
♪ The best part of Christmas is my loving family ♪
♪ When we all gather 'round and trim the living room tree ♪
♪ And the dining table tree ♪
♪ And the bedroom tree ♪
♪ And the basement tree ♪
♪ And the secret tree. ♪
♪ And the bathroom tree too ♪

Cricket: Seriously, dad?

Bill: ♪ And this year we're all together, 'cause your mom is back ♪
Cricket, Tilly: Woo hoo!

Nancy: Hey kids! What'cha'll doin'?

Cricket: ♪ We're just singin' 'bout Christmas ♪
Cricket and Tilly: ♪ Would you like to add a line? ♪

Nancy: How are you doing this? Did you plan this in advance?

Bill: ♪ You could sing about your eggnog or the ♪
Bill, Cricket and Tilly: ♪ Smell of winter pine ♪

Nancy: Well, I didn't prepare lyrics, so let’s just dance!

(They mimic the dance sequence from "A Charlie Brown Christmas".)

Cricket: Wait, where's Gramma?

(Thunder crashes)

Gramma: ♪ The worst part of Christmas are those three stupid ghosts ♪
♪ Who come clanging in the night to bang on your bedposts! ♪
♪ They tell you you're a scrooge and a grumpy mean old hag! ♪
♪ Scram, ya dumb ol' spirits! I don’t need to hear ya nag! ♪

(Music stops)

Cricket: Hey, what the heck is goin' on?
Tilly: Are you alright, Gramma?
Bill: Uh, What?
Nancy: Okay?

Gramma: I mean, uh... ♪ Merry Christmas ♪
Cricket and Tilly: ♪ Merry Christmas ♪
Bill: ♪ Merry Christmas ♪
All but Nancy: ♪ From the Greeeeeeeens!!! ♪

(As they stand on the front porch and hold the final word, the show's title appears.)

Nancy: Seriously, was there like an email about this? How did you...?

Part 1[]

Living room[]

(Episode title appears on a pair of tree ornaments. Tilly is on the couch, writing a list; here comes Cricket, charging for a box labeled "present".)

Cricket: Yah! (jumps in, shimmies around then breaks it) YAH! (looks at stopwatch) Made it from the bedroom to the tree in five seconds flat! My presents don't stand a chance. So, what're you up to, Tilly?

Tilly: Just workin' on a tally of all my good deeds from the year. I made one for you, too.

(She presents her list first; it is divided into two halves, one for "nice" and the other for "naughty". The "nice" column is mostly filled.)

Cricket: And, how we doin'?

Tilly: Um... (gets a nutcracker) I'm gonna let Professor Macadamia handle this one. (as nutcracker) "You might be on the naughty list!"

Cricket: What?! The naughty list?! Oh, come on! What'd I do that was so bad?

(He gets a look at his list and gasps; shows flashbacks of him battling the bomb squad robot in "Steak Night", riding on the Splish genie balloon in "Parade Day", punching the cardboard Croblin in "Rated Cricket", and crashing the Kludge in "Blue Tater". End flashback.)

Cricket: ...Oh, right. (faints) I'm doomed!

Tilly: Don't despair, Cricket. I believe there's good in you. If you do enough good deeds today, I bet you could still make the nice list.

Cricket: Well, what are we waitin' for? Let's get to it!

(They dash out just as Bill comes to the kitchen door.)

Bill: Where are you kids goin'? It's almost time to baste the Christmas ham! (squeezes baster)

(They are already bundling up.)

Cricket: Sorry Dad, this is too important!

Bill: What could be more important than ham? (hears the door slam) More bastin' for me!

Kitchen[]

(Nancy mischievously squeezes baste into Gramma's hair.)

Gramma: Don't test me.

Bill: You're not wastin' my baste, are ya?

Nancy: (hides baster) No! I'd never! So, what's the plan today?

Bill: Ooh, we're gonna spend the whole day doin' Christmas activities! All culminatin' tomorrow when I get to give you your presents!

(This suddenly shocks them.)

Nancy: (trying to sound natural) We uh...didn't know you were gettin' us gifts.

Bill: I don't mean to toot my own horn, but...honk! I think I nailed it.

Nancy: Can you excuse us for a second? We um...

Gramma: Have to go to the bathroom together!

Nancy: Yes. Both of us. (they leave)

Bill: Okie-dokie! Just put the tree back when you're done!

Bathroom[]

Nancy: (closes door) I didn't get Bill anything, did you?

Gramma: Other than the beautiful gift of life? Yeah, no, I got nuthin'.

Nancy: Oh, I knew I forgot something! (sits in the tub) Do you think we can get away with not giving him a gift?

Gramma: You know how clingy he gets during Christmas!

Bill: (outside, knocking) Knock, knock! How you ladies doin' in there? Want some bathroom cookies?

(He slides a cookie under the door; it is in the shape of a Christmas tree with the words "I love you".)

Gramma: If we wanna preserve his fragile heart, we'll have to work together to get him a gift! (bites the cookie) You in?

Nancy: Yeah!

Gramma: Good! Now hold this. (takes the bathroom tree off the toilet) Nature calls.

Big City, various[]

(Song: Good Deeds are Good Indeed)
Cricket: ♪ I used to think that helping folks was just a waste of time ♪ (♪ Ooh... ♪)
♪ Goofin' off and playing jokes was really more my line ♪
♪ But now I see there's value in making life more pleasant... ♪ (♪ But now I see... ooh... ♪)
♪ The best reward for virtue is a big fat Santa present! ♪

♪ If it's presents that you want, then it's presents that you need ♪ (♪ Ooh... ♪)
♪ Just start being helpful at a high rate of speed ♪
♪ It's the surest way to satisfy your holiday greed ♪
♪ I mean, good deeds are good indeed ♪

(Shows them doing various deeds pertaining to the lyrics.)

Tilly: ♪ When you massage her creaky joints... ♪ (♪ Good deeds... (x8) ♪)
Cricket: ♪ You're really racking up the points! ♪
Tilly: ♪ When you see litter, throw it out... ♪
Cricket: ♪ And you'll be on that Santa route! ♪
Tilly: ♪ Feed a mangy dog and pet it... ♪
Cricket: ♪ You'll build up that Santa credit! ♪
Tilly: ♪ Lend a cold fellow a sweater... ♪
Cricket: ♪ Bet my gifts will get much better! ♪
♪ Help this loser change a tire, ♪
Watch my pile of gifts grow higher! ♪
Help advert a big disaster, ♪
♪ Get an awesome foam-dart blaster! ♪

(Changes to Cricket's music video world.)

♪ When there’s cold and hungry people out there, you can help feed ♪ (♪ Ooh... ♪)
♪ Or when someone takes a tumble and is starting to bleed ♪
♪ It's a golden opportunity for loot, guaranteed ♪
♪ Yes, good deeds are good indeed! ♪

♪ Good deeds are good indeed! ♪

(Long pause; back to reality as he pants.)

Cricket: Am I on the nice list, yet?

Tilly: Maybe, but let's keep going to make sure.

Cricket: (faints) This is taking forever!

Tilly: Don't feel discouraged, brother. Look...

(Nearby outside a mall is a giant Christmas tree before a small ice rink; on top of it is a big star with a smiley face.)

Tilly: Atop that tree is the Big City Christmas star. Let its light guide you on your path to doin' more good deeds.

(But Cricket is not listening; his eyes fall on a billboard that advertises: "Meet Santa at Hudkins, now with 20% more beard.")

Cricket: Or...I can plead my case to the man himself! (runs in)

Tilly: Cricket, wait! (follows behind)

Hudkins Department Store, interior[]

Cricket: Listen, I'll just have a chat with the big red guy, and everything will be fixed! (bumps into someone) Oof! Huh?

(Shows a long line of people lining up for a display where they meet a man playing Santa.)

Cricket: Aww, man! There's a huge line!

Tilly: Well, you're free to talk to Santa, but I'd rather spend my time doin' nice things for folks, like that man over there.

(Shows a man struggling with an overdosed amount of gift boxes and bags.)

Struggling man: Oh...I don't think a little guy like me can handle all this my myself! It's sliiiippiiiiiing!!!

Tilly: You're welcome to join.

Cricket: Sorry Tilly, I'll catch up with ya later.

(He advances forward, list in hand; crashing is heard.)

Struggling man (OS): Oh boy, everything's falling, falling everywhere!

Tilly: I can help you with those! (goes over)

(Cricket zips up to Gloria, dressed as an elf and checking a clipboard; he rings the bell on one of her shoes.)

Cricket: Excuse me! Excuse me! I have a Christmas emergency!

Gloria: Hmm? Oh, no...please, not here...

Cricket: (gasps) Gloria?! Is that you?!

Gloria: (forcing a smile) Hello, Cricket. How can I help you?

Cricket: This is perfect! I need someone on the inside to sneak me to the front of the line to see Santa!

Gloria: No. It's not fair to the other kids. Now go wait in line like a good boy.

Cricket: Oh hey, is that Kevin I see over there? That boy you really like?

Gloria: What?! Kevin's here?! (walks away)

Cricket: Oh yeah, just saw him go...right over there, just...keep goin'.

(He manages to cut right to the front of the line.)

Blue boy: Hey!

Male elf (OS): Next!

Cricket: Heh-heh.

Orange boy: Aww...

Department Store Santa: (to a pink girl) Have a merry Christmas, little one!

Cricket: (roughly jumps on his lap) Hi, Santa. Big fan, but I gotta hear it straight from the reindeer's mouth: am I, or am I not on the nice list?

Department Store Santa: Well, have you been a good boy this year?

Cricket: I think so! But my sister made this list... (shows his list)

Department Store Santa: Let's take a look here... (reads it) Hmm... (shocked) JEEZE, KID! Did you do all of this?!

Cricket: Uh...do any of us really do anything?

Orange boy: (appears before them; in tears) Santa? I've been waiting for so long, and that boy cutted in line!

Cricket: Oh, cry me a river. Now back to that list.

Gloria: HEY! You're not supposed to be up there! SECURITY!

(A security guard dressed like an elf bursts out of a gingerbread house.)

Cricket: Wuh-oh. (jumps off the lap) Wait, wait wait wait, I still gotta talk to Santa!

(He climbs up a giant present pile, knocking them over one at a time.)

Cricket: Ha! (the security elf follows.) Gah! (swings off on an ornament) Santa, I promise you, nothing on that list is as bad as it looks! (the ornament detaches from its string) Whoa! (lands on the ground; the ornament breaks) Ugh! Oh...whoa whoa AHH!!!

(Here comes the security elf; now he pushes apart some giant candy canes.)

Cricket: Please, I can explain everything! I have good intentions!!

Security Elf: Grr...

(He makes it back to the Santa.)

Cricket: Look man, I know this looks bad, but listen! (grabs his leg; the security elf tries to pull him away) Santa, I gotta get on that nice list! JUST PUT ME ON THAT LIST!

(He is pulled right on cue, taking the Santa's pants with him and ripping them off; he notices this.)

Cricket: Uh...

(The Santa's boxers are revealed; the crowd gasps. The Santa looks at him in cold fury.)

Department Store Santa: (low growl) Cricket Green, you might as well forget about Christmas, because you're definitely on the naughty list!

(He is dragged out of the store.)

Cricket: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Part 2[]

Hudkins Department Store, exterior[]

(Cricket is thrown out.)

Cricket: AAAGH! Oof.

Security Elf: Merry Christmas. And thank you for shopping at Hudkins.

Tilly: (walks up holding a cup) Look, Cricket! That nice man I helped got me some hot chocolate! So, how'd it go with Santa?

Cricket: (stands) It was a disaster! There's no way I'm gettin' on the nice list, now! And that means no...presents...!! (faints)

Tilly: Oh, come on now, Cricket. I still believe there's some good in you. You just gotta keep tryin'. (sees he left) Cricket? Cricket!! (runs off)

Green's house, garage[]

Nancy: Well, we may not have gotten Bill a gift, but there's still time to make him a gift!

Gramma: Good thinkin', but it's gotta be awesome, thoughtful, and personal.

Nancy: Right! Let's get started!

(Shows them working hard to make something; they blowtorch, hammer and saw until...)

Nancy: Finished! (lifts mask) Aww man, Bill is gonna love his...

(Shows they made a poorly built statue of Bill using spare home parts.)

Nancy: Personalized...statue? It's bad!!

Gramma: So bad!! We can't give Bill this abomination! It's hideous!

Nancy: We've got no choice. We have to go to the store. If we're quick, maybe he won't notice.

Backyard[]

Nancy: (opening garage door) Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Gramma: (comes out) I'm an old woman, don't rush me.

Bill: (appears before them) There you are! Where you goin'?

Nancy: Uh...caroling...?

Bill: (squeals) I'll come with you!! Lemmie grab my coat! (leaves)

(Pause)

Gramma: Real smooth.

Big City Park, various[]

Tilly: Cricket! (sees him slumping against the fountain) Cricket! (sighs) There you are. I know this looks bad. You're on the naughty list, but I believe that you can still --

Cricket: Oh, forget it, Tilly! Christmas is over! I'm not gettin' any presents, (flops down) and I'm gonna freeze in this park! I could do good deeds from now until morning, and I still wouldn't get presents! Nothing I do matters.

(That last sentence suddenly hits him; he stands, an idea in mind.)

Cricket: Nothing I do... (smiles wickedly) ...matters!

Tilly: What are you talkin' about, Cricket? It always matters.

Cricket: (smugly, taking earmuffs off) Heh-heh...oh, Tilly, Tilly, Tilly. Allow me to explain.

(Song: If I Can't Have Christmas)
Cricket: ♪ I've tried my best at helpin' folks, but I've run out of time ♪
♪ My nice list hopes, gone up in smoke as bells of judgement chime ♪
♪ I see now that I'm doomed, my gift-wrapped ship has sank ♪
♪ So I shall resume my Christmas pranks! ♪

(Evil laughter; begins doing various pranks according to the lyrics.)

♪ I'll trip up this dip, I'll make this guy slide ♪
♪ Don't bother me, cause I'm fresh outta pride ♪
♪ I'll hand out free candy bestow loads of cocoa ♪
♪ You'll wonder out loud, how could I stoop so low? ♪

♪ It's a simple fact, a secret I'll spill: ♪
♪ If I can’t have Christmas... ♪ (♪ Ahhh... ♪)
♪ Nobody will. ♪

♪ I'll throw all my snowballs with impunity ♪
♪ Advance avalanches on the community ♪
♪ Revise advertisements, and make folks obey them ♪
♪ This season's colors are mischief and mayhem! ♪

♪ Toboggans on noggins and butts fulla nuts ♪
♪ Snowmen I stabbed in their tinselstring guts ♪
♪ Displays in dismay and socks spouting trout ♪
♪ If you don't get it yet, then let me spell it out! ♪

♪ Being nice is a bore, but naughty's a thrill! ♪
♪ If I can't have Christmas... ♪ (♪ Ahhh... ♪)
♪ Nobody will! ♪
♪ Nobody will! ♪
♪ NOBODY WILL! ♪

Cricket: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha,

(Tilly gasps in horror.)

Cricket: AAAHHHH-HA-HA-HA-HA-HAAAAAAA!!!!

Remington Manor, exterior[]

(Bill, Nancy and Gramma are outside the mansion with songbooks in hand; Bill knocks, all inhale and begin singing.)

Bill, Nancy, Gramma: ♪ Hum-diddy-dum-dum-dum-dum-do ♪
Bill: ♪ Christmas is here ♪
♪ Tum-diddle-hum-hum, say happy new year ♪

Gramma: (to Nancy) We're runnin' out of time, Nancy, the stores will be closin' soon!

Bill, Nancy, Gramma: ♪ Hum-diddy-dum-dum-dum-dum-do ♪
Bill: ♪ Hark all of here ♪

Nancy: Let's sneak out during his solo. He can't hit the high notes without closing his eyes.

Gramma: Mm-hmm.

Bill: ♪ Hum-diddy-dum-dum-dum-dum-do ♪
♪ It's my favorite time...OF YEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!! ♪

(Nancy and Gramma make their escape; the Remingtons and Vasquez come to the door, wincing from the music.)

Bill: ♪ Hum-diddy-dum-dum-dum-dum-do ♪

Remy: What's all that noise? It sounds like a strangled -- oh, it's Mr. Green!

Bill: (stops singing) Take it away, family! (pants; gets no response) Ma? Nance? Huh? But they were just...

Remy: (tossing roses) Brava! Brava! Mwah, magnifico!

Bill: Hmmph.

Big City streets[]

(Nancy and Gramma hurriedly traverse the streets; all the stores display "closed" signs on their windows.)

Nancy: Oh...oh...!! Everything's closed!

Gramma: What kinda stores close on Christmas Eve?! THERE! An open sign!

(One store, Gifts N' More, is still open; they hurry over.)

Nancy: Score!

(But the store owner turns the sign to "closed" right when they step up.)

Nancy: Huh?! Closed?!

Gramma: Let us in!!

Nancy: Plea-a-ase!!

Gramma: C'mon, man! I can get'chu anything! Gold? Diamonds? I've got a guy, just say the word!! (he closes the shade on her) NOOOOO!

Outside Hudkins, by the ice rink[]

(The nice-turned-naughty Cricket knocks a snowman's head off its body with a snowball.)

Cricket: (snickers deviously)

Tilly: Cricket, enough! Aren't you done with all this mischief, yet?

Cricket: Done? I'm just gettin' started! I've got a plan that's gonna top everything I've done so far!

Tilly: What are you thinkin'...?

Cricket: I'm gonna replace the Big City Christmas star with a Christmas moon!

Tilly: (relieved) Oh, that doesn't sound so bad. A little unconventional I suppose, but --

Cricket: I'M TALKIN' ABOUT MY BUTT! (pats his rump) I'm gonna moon Big City!

(Another devious laugh as Tilly looks on in horror.)

Tilly: Oh...ENOUGH! (charges for him)

Cricket: Hmm? AGH! (Tilly pins him down) Oof! (struggles)

Tilly: I can't let you do this, Cricket Green! I know there's still some good left in you!

(More struggling; Cricket licks Tilly's arm.)

Tilly: AGH! Gross!!

(He approaches the ice rink.)

Cricket: I'm gonna show them my buuuuutt!!! (slides across)

Tilly: NO! STOP!

(He reaches the tree at the other side.)

Cricket: Outta the way!

(He starts ascending the tree until he gets to the star; one more evil laugh as he grabs it.)

Cricket: You ain't the star no more! (Tilly also grabs it) Huh? Tilly?

Tilly: Cricket! Please stop, this'll be the worst thing you've ever done!

Cricket: I know! That's why it's perfect!

(They start to wrestle over the star; the skaters notice.)

Cricket: Now gimmie...the...star!!

Tilly: No!

Cricket: Tilly...

Tilly: No, I won't let you!

Cricket: Give it to me, Tilly! Come on!

Tilly: I won't...let you...ruin Christmas!!

(The star comes loose; she falls with it.)

Tilly: AAAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!

Cricket: Whoa!

(She spins around the tree, which wobbles from the fight; the base starts to come loose from the ground. At last Tilly stops and lands in the leaves.)

Tilly: Oh. Well, that wasn't so bad.

(The base comes apart fully; the tree starts to fall.)

Tilly: Whoaaaaa!!!

Cricket: Guhhhhh...

(Shows a family skating and wearing sweaters that read "#1 Family".)

Husband: Great ice skating, family! (the tree shadow falls over them) Hmm? Oh...Tannenbaums! EVASIVE MANEUVER!

(The tree falls and hits the ice, breaking it and sinking into the water. The lights go out; Tilly sits up.)

Tilly: Ugh...Cricket?

(A light shines on her; shows the press helicopter above as the guests shout complaints. Maria Media arrives to report.)

Maria: Maria Media here with Channel 11 News, reporting from the collapsed corpse of our city's beloved Christmas tree. (to Tilly) How does it feel to ruin Christmas?

Tilly: (confused) I...ruined Christmas?

Maria: There you have it, folks! A confession. And joining us now is yuletide expert Santa Clause, straight from Hudkins Department Store.

Department Store Santa: (arrives) Hi, Maria! Love the show.

Maria: Santa, you've checked your list, you've checked it twice. Is this girl naughty or nice?

Department Store Santa: Oh, she's on the naughty list for sure!

Tilly: (dumbfounded) I'm...on...the naughty list?!

Maria: Hold that face! We have to cut to commercial.

(Episode itself goes to commercial break.)

Part 3[]

Hudkins disaster site[]

Maria: And we're back.

(The wife of the family of four covers her children with blankets while the husband emerges from the cracked ice. The broken star loses its light.)

Tilly: I...didn't mean to! There must be a way to fix this!

Purple man: NO THERE ISN'T!

Maria: Selfish little girl, you're on the naughty list, and you've ruined Christmas! Do you have anything you wanna say to the people of Big City?

Tilly: I...I... (tears up) Uh...

Cricket: (pops up) Whoo-hoo! That was crazy! C'mon, Tilly! Let's go!

(He takes her away just as it begins to snow.)

Maria: Hey! Get back here! (notices the snow) And in other news...it's snowing.

Allyway[]

(Cricket pulls Tilly behind an ally wall where they hide.)

Cricket: C'mon, over here! (pants) Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Oh man, that went better than I coulda possibly hoped! Welcome to the naughty list, Tilly! ...Tilly?

(She does not answer him and instead sits in sorrow.)

(Song: Christmas is Busted)
Tilly: ♪ All year, I was kind, all year, I was good ♪
♪ Like a nice kid, I did what I should ♪
♪ But now it's all ruined, and Christmas is busted ♪
♪ All because of the brother I trusted ♪

Cricket: Aww, don't worry about it, Tilly, bein' on the naughty list is great!

Tilly: ♪ I've been on the nice list every single year ♪
♪ Not for toys or for presents, just simple Christmas cheer ♪
♪ It's not about presents, it's about being kind ♪
♪ Something you wouldn't get, in your evil mind! ♪

♪ I guess this is my fault, thinking there was hope for you ♪ (She tears up.)
♪ But now I see clearly, that was never true... ♪

(She flees down the sidewalk.)

Cricket: Wait! Tilly! Come back! (sighs)

Green's house, living room/kitchen[]

Bill: (frustratingly slams door open) OKAY! (switches lights on) So my family abandons me on Christmas Eve! Well, that ain't gonna stop me from havin' a Bill ol' time!

(He fills all the mugs with eggnog.)

Bill: With no one else around, it just means more eggnog for me.

(He sits next to Phoenix on the couch.)

Bill: And I'm going to enjoy the highest form of television there is: a Christmas special.

(He turns the TV on and drinks; on the TV: a stop motion Christmas special featuring a living candy cane.)

Candy cane: Wow! I did it! I saved Christmas! But I couldn't have done it without my family.

(He is joined by multiple other candy canes; Bill watches.)

Candy cane (OS): It's so great bein' together! Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee!

Bill: Hmm. Gosh darn it, these little candy canes aren't helpin'! I just can't enjoy Christmas without my family here!

(The candy canes are licking each other.)

Candy canes: Oh, yummy! Hahahaha...

(The show is suddenly preempted by a blizzard warning alert.)

Announcer: This is an important weather alert! Big City is currently under a blizzard warning!

Bill: (gasps) Ma! Nancy! The kids! They're in trouble! (drinks all the eggnog at once) Don't worry, Bill's on the way!

Big City streets[]

(The snow is falling faster and harder as Nancy and Gramma trudge through.)

Nancy: There's just no way we can give Bill a Christmas present, Alice! It's time to throw in the towel!

Gramma: NEVER!

Nancy: We can barely see out here!

Gramma: (with snow covering her glasses) I can see just fine!

Nancy: Stop being difficult! We'll just have to tell Bill we didn't get him a present.

Gramma: NO WAY! I ain't livin' with that guilt! I'd rather freeze to death with my son's ex-wife on Christmas Eve! (sees a light) Huh?

(A car's headlights start coming right for them.)

Gramma: OH, I TAKE IT BACK! I'M NOT READY TO GO INTO THE LIGHT!!

(It is just Bill driving the Kludge.)

Bill: There you are, get in! We gotta find the kids!

Nancy, Gramma: The kids?!

(They get in.)

Bill: They never came back to the house, they must be out in this blizzard!

Gramma: Well, what are you waitin' for?! DRIVE, DRIVE, DRIVE!!!

(The truck takes off through the blizzard.)

Streets, elsewhere[]

(Cricket trudges through the blizzard alone, having mixed feelings to himself; a newspaper blows in his face, and he annoyingly waves it away.)

(Song: No Christmas At All)
Cricket: ♪ What's Tilly's problem? ♪
♪ She's such an oddball. ♪
♪ A Christmas without presents is no Christmas at all ♪
♪ Or that's what I've always thought at least... ♪
♪ Was I wrong in my thinking? ♪
♪ No, no, I'm sure I was right! ♪
♪ So then, why's my heart sinking? ♪

♪ Sure, feelings got hurt, and the tree took a dunk ♪
♪ But it's all Santa's fault, him and his holiday bunk! ♪
♪ If he'd just given me the presents I craved ♪
♪ I never would have acted the way I behaved!... ♪

(Now realizing...)

♪ No... that's wrong, isn't it? ♪
♪ Can I really blame someone else for me being bad? ♪
♪ I caused property damage and I made my sister sad. ♪
♪ I drove her away, I was self-centered and mean ♪
♪ Another dark tally for your list, Cricket Green ♪

♪ Oh, the worst part of Christmas is all the stuff I can't undo ♪
♪ I didn't get what I wanted, and what I had, I lost too ♪

♪ If anyone's listening, ♪
♪ I could really use a hand. ♪
♪ Nothing that happened today... ♪
♪ Went how I planned. ♪

(He slumps on a bench; someone sits next to him. A pullback shows a Santa, shown from mouth down; this one's obviously the real deal.)

Real Santa: Why the long face, Cricket?

Cricket: (not realizing he's really Santa) Oh, you again. You look different. Are you here to remind me how naughty I am?

Real Santa: Hmm...well, I --

Cricket: Save your breath. I know where I stand. I just thought that if I wasn't gettin' any presents, then I was free to do whatever I wanted! But now, I've messed everything up, for me and for Tilly.

Real Santa: Hmm...I see. Christmas isn't always happy for everyone, and I knew you were having a hard time, which is why I got you...a gift.

(He takes out a sparkly wrapped present box; it is glowing.)

Cricket: (rubbing eyes, taken by it) A...a gift?

Real Santa (OS): This isn't just any gift -- this is a magical gift. It can be anything you'd like.

(As he continues, Cricket's mood changes from confusion to excitement, which increases more and more as he reaches right for it.)

Real Santa (OS): It can be a new bike, a toy tank, heck... (chuckles) a real tank! Anything you want for Christmas, you'll find inside.

(But then Cricket's excitement suddenly fades; he drops his head in a selfless thought.)

Cricket: Thanks, Santa, but the only thing I want for Christmas doesn't come in a box. All I want is for Tilly to be put back on the nice list.

Real Santa: (surprised) Hmm...interesting. If that's what you want, Cricket, I'll see what I can do. (gets up and leaves)

Cricket: (calling after) Oh, and Santa? Can I also ask to be at home and out of this blizzard?

Real Santa: Oh-ho-ho! That sure does sound nice!

(He disappears into the darkness; Cricket is all alone.)

Cricket: Santa?! (annoyed) Why, that no-good stinkin' elf left me alone in a blizzard!! If I ever see him again, I'll -- (sees a light) Hmm?

(It is the Kludge; his wish came true.)

Bill, Nancy: Cricket!

Nancy: Oh, thank goodness we found you!

Cricket: Mom! Dad! (gets in) Oh man, you guys won't believe what just happened to me, I --

(He sees Tilly slumping next to him.)

Cricket: Oh...hey, Tilly.

(She does not answer; he sighs and buckles up, and stares out the window.)

Bill: Whooooo-whee!! Christmas is just around the corner! Who's excited?

(Everyone in the car just slumps sadly and silently.)

Bill: (not realizing) Huh, I see. Y'all must be saving your enthusiasm for Christmas Mornin'. Well, it won't be too long...

(The Kludge drives away; fade to black.)

Green's house, Cricket and Tilly's bedroom/Living room[]

(Lots of snow piles up the house from the blizzard last night. Cricket sadly wakes up and looks at Tilly, cradling Saxon and still feeling sorry for herself.)

Cricket: (sighs)

(He goes out to the living room and gasps upon seeing something.)

Cricket: Hah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah-bah...?!

(He reverses and quickly goes back to the bedroom and shakes Tilly awake.)

Cricket: TILLY! TILLY! OH MY GOSH, GET UP! YOU GOTTA SEE THIS! (in the living room) LOOK LOOK LOOK LOOK!!

Tilly: Cricket, what is it? (sees the living room and gasps)

(Shows loads of presents under the tree before them.)

Cricket: IT'S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!

Tilly: (goes up and reads the tag on one of her gifts) Wait, I don't get it. Why would Santa leave me presents? I ruined Christmas.

Cricket: Well, Santa gave me one Christmas wish, so...I wished for...you to be on the nice list.

Tilly: Cricket, you did that for me? (hugs him) I knew there was good in you, brother.

Bill: (enters from the kitchen with a camera) MERRY CHRISTMAS! Don't move, don't move! That's perfect for the first Christmas photo!

(They pose and Cricket makes a silly face while Tilly winks; Bill takes the picture.)

Cricket: Blahhhh!

Tilly: (laughs)

(Nancy and Gramma enter, still half-asleep.)

Bill: Ma! Nancy! Merry Christmas!

Nancy: Oh...Merry Christmas, Bill.

Gramma: Merry Christmas.

Bill: (hands them presents) Ap-bap-bap! I don't wanna hear a word until after we exchange presents!

(They look at each other nervously.)

Nancy: Now, Bill...we've got somethin' to tell you...

Gramma: We didn't...get you anything.

Bill: What in the world are you talkin' about?! What wouldja call that?

(Reveals the poorly-made statue in his likeness on top of the tree.)

Nancy, Gramma: GAH!

Bill: I know, it's perfect!

Nancy: And that's not all - we're gonna do every Christmas thing you wanna do today. Right, Alice?

Gramma: (wearing a Rudolph nose and reindeer antlers) Eh...yup. Merry Christmas, Billy Boy.

(Shows Bill now fitting a nose and antlers to Nancy before posing for a photo.)

Bill: Yippee! Say "tinsel"!

(The picture is taken.)

Tilly: Cricket! You're not gonna believe this! (holds up one particular gift) This present's got your name on it!

Cricket: WHAT!? Are you pullin' my leg!?

Tilly: See for yourself!

(He looks at the tag; close-up of it, the present is indeed to him from Santa, showing he too is on the nice list for his selfless act the night before.)

Cricket: No kidding.

Tilly: I must not be the only one who sees the good in you, brother.

Cricket: Uh-oh, I think a song is comin' on!

(Song: The Best Part of Christmas (Reprise))
Cricket: ♪ Ohhhhhhhh... ♪

Tilly: Oh, it's that time again, huh?

Cricket: ♪ The best part of Christmas, it ain't the gifts you get ♪
Tilly: ♪ It's not the model rocket or the robot pet ♪
Gramma: ♪ It's not the things you give ♪
Nancy: ♪ Even though that's what you'd think. ♪
Cricket: ♪ And it's not when giant Christmas trees destroy the whole ice rink ♪

Bill: Wait, what?
Cricket: Uh, nothing. Keep going!

Bill: ♪ It's not the basted ham, with gravy and the trimmings ♪
Tilly: ♪ It's kinda like what I said in the song at the beginning ♪

Bill: ♪ The best part of Christmas, it ain't the candy canes ♪
Tilly: ♪ Or drawin' little pictures in the frosted window panes ♪
Cricket: ♪ Or decorating cookies with the sprinkles and the frosting ♪
Gramma: ♪ It ain't the stupid ghosts! ♪
Nancy: ♪ And it sure ain't all the shopping. ♪

Cricket: ♪ It's not meeting Santa at his workshop at the mall ♪
Tilly: ♪ It's when we wish each other ♪
All: ♪ Merry Christmas, ♪
♪ One and allllllllllllllll!!! ♪

(Zooms out of the house and pans up to the sky at the shining sun, which flips to reveal Cricket's face a'la "Blood Moon".)

Sun Cricket: MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!