|
|
|
|
|
|
| |||||||
|
The Springfield Files |
|
- Bart: (telling a scary story) ...and that's how much money college will cost for Maggie.
- Homer: No... no... NOOOOOOOOOOO!
- Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods. And we're going to find that alien.
- Bart: And if we don't?
- Homer: We'll fake it and sell it to the FOX network.
- Bart and Homer laugh.
- Bart: They'll buy anything!
- Homer: Now, son, they do a lot of quality programming too.
- Bart and Homer laugh even harder than before.
- Lisa: All right! It's time for ABC's T.G.I.F. line-up!
- Bart: Lis, when you get a little older, you'll learn that Friday's just another day between NBC's Must-See Thursday and CBS's Saturday Night Crap-O-Rama.
- Mr. Burns: La la, la la la la (skips off into the woods)
- Dr. Nick: The most rewarding part was when he gave me my money.
- Mr. Burns: Yes, and now that I'm back to normal I don't bring you peace and love I bring you hate and...
- Dr. Nick: Time for a booster! (Jabs needle in Burns)
- Mr. Burns: (in happy state) Good morning starshine, the earth says hello...
- Homer: (in Moe's, drunk, whilst recreating his movements when he saw the Alien) So I says, blue M&M, red M&M... They all wind up the same color in the end.
- Homer: Oh, Marge, I've never felt so alone. No one believes me. (pause) Uh, this is the part where you're supposed to say, "I believe you, Homer."
- Marge: I don't believe you, Homer.
- Homer: You do? Oh, Marge, you've made me so happy.
- Marge: You're not listening. You're only hearing what you want to hear.
- Homer: Thanks! I'd love an omelet right about now.
- Homer: The alien has a sweet, heavenly voice, like Urkel. And he appears every Friday night, like Urkel!
- Chief Wiggum: Well, your story is very compelling, Mr. Jackass... I mean, Simpson. So, I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. (He makes typewriting notions and mumbles nonchalantly.)
- Homer: You don't have to humiliate me.
- (Homer leaves, and an arsonist enters.)
- Arsonist: I just torched a building downtown, and I'm afraid I'll do it again!
- Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right. I'll just type it up on my invisible typewriter. (Again, he makes typewriting notions and mumbles nonchalantly, just like he did with Homer.)
- Marge: Have you been drinking?
- Homer: No! Well, ten beers.
- Leonard Nimoy: I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is no.
- Squeaky-Voiced Teen: I'm Leonard Nimoy, goodnight, and keep watching the skis! ... I mean, skies.
- Mulder: What's the point of this experiment? (Homer is running on a treadmill, in only his underpants.)
- Scully: No point, I just thought he could stand to lose some weight.
- Mulder: His jiggling is almost hypnotic!
- Scully: (mesmerized voice) Yes, it's like a lava lamp.
- Mulder: Look at this Scully. There's been another unsubstantiated UFO sighting in the heartland of America. We've got to get there right away.
- Scully: Well, gee Mulder. There's also this report of a shipment of drugs and illegal weapons coming into New Jersey tonight.
- Mulder: I hardly think the FBI is concerned with matters like that.
- Dr. Nick: Don't worry. You won't feel a thing...
- (exhibiting a swirling mechanical device)
- Dr. Nick: ...till I jam this down your throat!
- Homer: I don't see any Homer is a Dope t-shirts anywhere, Lisa.
- Store guy: Those were sold out five minutes ago.
- Homer: D'oh!
- Scully: This is a simple lie detector. I'll ask you a few yes-or-no questions, and you just answer truthfully. Do you understand?
- Homer: Yes. [lie detector explodes]