Bad Hair Day/Transcript

(Scene opens up showing Stacy running to the Flynn-Fletcher house.)
Stacy: I'm coming as fast as I can, Candace! I'm at your house. Now, what kind of emergency are we dealing with? A parent emergency? A Phineas and Ferb emergency? Oh my--
Candace: (has an unusual hairstyle) Ahhhh-ha-ha! AHHHH!
Stacy: A hair emergency: the worst kind! This is awful! How did--? Wait, what are these 4 long strands, and look at this shaved areal! What's that all about? Is this a rolled-up sock? Candace, who did this to you?
Candace: Stacy, I did it to myself.
Stacy: Why?
Candace: Jeremy's mom is hosting a benefit for endangered animals this afternoon, and I wanted a new look!
Stacy: So you want your hair to look like an endangered species?
Candace: No, there are all these hairdo How-To videos online. They make it look so easy.
Lady in Video: Just brush it up, toss your head back, and voila! It's simplicious.
Candace: It's not simplicious! It's hard-plicious!
Stacy: Candace, take it easy.
Candace: Look at me! (Lies on laptop keyboard) A tragic victim of Internet hair stylists!
Stacy: Sorry, I don't think there's anything I can do, but there are a couple of guys who could...
Candace: No, no way!
Stacy: Uh, are these chopsticks?
Candace: Ugh, all right. PHINEAS AND FERRRB?!
(Phineas and Ferb comes into Candace's room drinking water, then they spit out the water because they noticed Candace's hair)
Phineas: What do you think? We've been working on our spit takes all morning.
Candace: Yeah, yeah, you're hilarious. Listen, I need you two to get me out of this situation.
Phineas: Why? Your hair looks simplicious!
Ferb: Have you tried tossing your head back?
Candace: Look, I don't have time to explain. Just get me back to the way I was.
Phineas: Okay, but I think you're making a mistake.
Stacy: Hey, where's Perry? (Candace glares at her) What, I'm like the only person who's never said it.

(Agent P's in the backyard climbing up a tree, then sits on a egg a goes down a fast tube and enters his lair)
Major Monogram: Good afternoon, Agent P. For the past few days, our motion sensors have detected Dr. Doofenshmirtz rummaging around in his basement. So, last night we had Carl staked out down there behind his water heater.
Carl: It was horrible down there!
Major Monogram: Carl!
Carl: I saw a rat give birth... to a snail!
Major Monogram: Just tell him about Doofenshmirtz.
Carl: Doofenshmirtz kept coming down and grabbing pieces of his old Inators from cardboard boxes. Oh no, brown recluse spider's favor dwelling in cardboard! (Major Monogram touches him in the ear; He shrieks) Get it off! Get it off!
Major Monogram: Get out there and find out what Doof is up to. (At Carl) Seriously Carl? What a baby.
Carl: I think it laid eggs in my ear!

(Phineas and Ferb have completed the machine to fix Candace's hair and Candace is now sitting in the chair of the machine)
Phineas: So by combining ultra-violet and infrared waves together with follicle stimulation properties, not only does it style your hair, but it stimulates and accelerates new hair growth! So that should take care of that little shaved area. (at Stacy) What's that all about?
Stacy: Don't get me started.
Phineas: (at Candace) All you have to do is sit there for thirty minutes on setting five and you're good to go.
Candace: Yeah, yeah, tick-tock.
Phineas: Start her up Ferb. (at Candace) Remember, thirty minutes on setting five.
Candace: Thanks guys!
(Candace's tangerine orangutan ringtone goes off and Phineas and Ferb leave the room)
Stacy: What was that?
Candace: Oh, I changed my ringtone. That's a tangerine orangutan. Endangered animals! (looks at her phone) Oh, it's Jeremy! (she picks it up) Hi. You're uh, picking me up in ten minutes? Great! (nervous laugh) Bye. (hangs up the phone) Ten minutes! Stacy, crank this thing up. If it takes a half an hour on five it should do the trick in ten seconds on twenty.
Stacy: I don't know Candace, maybe you shouldn't mess with-
Candace: Yeah, yeah, yeah, it'll be fine.
Stacy: (nervously) Ok.
(Stacy turns the dial to twenty and the machine lights up over Candace's head)
Candace: Besides Stacy, they wouldn't put a twenty on it if it weren't meant to be used, right?
Stacy: Well...I guess so.
Candace: Oh, my ten seconds are up! (lifts the top part of the machine from her head) Well, how does it look?
Stacy: (gasps) I can't believe it! It's perfect!
Candace: Told you it'd be fine.
(the camera zooms in on Candace's neck, which is now starting to grow hair)
Candace: Ooh, now help me find something cute to wear.

(The scene changes to Doofenshmirtz Evil Inc. and Perry is seen using a lock pick to break into Doofenshmirtz's apartment. He opens the door to find Doofenshmirtz surrounded by a thick fog playing on pipe organs. Doofenshmirtz presses a key on the organ and Perry falls into a hole that somehow brings him upwards to get trapped in one of the organ's pipes.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus I don't like your tone. (plays dramatic chords on the organ) Behold...I give you...The very VERY BAD-INATOR!
(The Bad-inator rises dramatically from the floor as Doofenshmirtz says this. He then gets up from the organ and walks toward the Inator)
Doofenshmirtz: It's made up of only the most evil parts of my old Inators, cobbled together without any rhyme or reason. My plan is to load it on my floating platform, take it high above the Tri-State Area and, you know, turn it on and see what it does. (turns towards Perry) I have no idea but I-I'm sure it's gonna be bad. Hence, Very Bad-inator. (pretends to shiver) Ooh, I got a chill!

(The scene changes to the Natural History Museum where Jeremy's parents are hosting the benefit for endangered animals.)
Candace: (walking into the museum) Wow, nice turnout.
Jeremy: Yeah.
Candace: Hey, there's your mom.
Mrs. Johnson: There you two are! Don't you look nice, Candace.
Candace: Oh, thanks Mrs. Johnson.
Mrs. Johnson: Come on, I'll show you where we're sitting. (she begins to lead them to the table) We have a very good turn out this year, many of Danville's top zoologists are here.
(Candace notices hair growing on her hand as she walks and quickly yanks it out)
Scientist #2: (to Scientist #1) I bet I'll have more species named after me than you do, care to make a wager?
Scientist #1: No.
Scientist #2: Why not?
Scientist #1: Because your last name is Pithecus.
Scientist #2: (laughs)
Mrs. Johnson: The money that this banquet raises will go a long way to facilitate solutions for the problems these poor animals face.
(Hair begins to sprout all over Candace's body.)
Candace: (through clenched teeth) Great!
Jeremy: Uh, Candace, I think you've got a little food or something on your lip.
Candace: (covering her mouth with her hand) Will you excuse me for a moment? (runs off to a table with an elderly couple sitting at it) Umm, I just need to see this spoon for a- (uncovers her mouth and sees the mustache growing on her face and screams. She then hides under the table and calls her brother.) Phineas.
Phineas: Oh hi Candace. (at Ferb and Linda at the dinner table) It's Candace. (at Candace) You turned it up to twenty? So what happened?
Candace: (mumbles are heard from the phone)
Phineas: No way! That is so cool.
Candace: (mumbles are heard from the phone again)
Phineas: Ok, I'll see what we can do. (he hangs up the phone) Mom, may Ferb and I be excused? Candace needs help with her hair.
Linda: So you guys are hair stylists now?
Phineas: Apparently.
Linda: So, what would you do with my hair?
Phineas: Nothing, it's perfect the way it is.
Linda: Wow, you are good.
Phineas: Girlfriend, please.

Doofenshmirtz: (on the flying platform) Be careful Perry the Platypus, you're awfully close to the edge. Oh! Let me help you back. (laughs as Perry is sent from one side of the platform to the other) Oh. Oh I can't quite- Whoops! I'm just messing with ya.

Jeremy: Candace! Candace? Now where'd she go?
Candace: I gotta find a better place to hide. (Candace moves the table away from the elderly couple)
Old Man: (making magic fingers) Ooohhhh.
Old Lady: Oh stop it.
Old Man: You've lost your joie de vivre.
(Candace runs the table by the two scientists to go backstage)
Scientist #1: Wow, this thing keeps getting weirder every year!
Professor Jones: (practicing his speech) It is wonderful to see such a fine turnout- AAAH!
(Candace comes up behind him and tosses the table on him)
Candace: (looking at her hair covered hands) AAH!
Scientist #2: (on stage) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to tonight's lecture!
Jeremy: (calling Candace) Where did she go?
Scientist #2: Won't you all please help welcome...
Candace: (as more hair grows all over her body) Oh no!
Scientist #2: Professor Herbert Fonzworth Weatherman Jones!
(the curtains open, revealing Candace now completely covered in hair. Jeremy's ringtone on Candace's phone goes off)
Jeremy: Huh...?
Mrs. Johnson: That's not professor Herbert Fonzworth Weatherman Jones, that's the rare tangerine orangutan! We have to capture it and return it to the wild. (getting up from the table) Stand back everyone, I have an associate's degree in zoology, I got this.
Candace: Oh no! Jeremy's mother! She can't see me like this!
(Candace runs off the stage, knocking over tables in her haste)
Mrs. Johnson: (chasing Candace down hallways) Come back! Don't run away! I mean you no harm!
Candace: (now in a fossil exhibit) AAH! (she climbs up the bones of a T-Rex to reach the window outside and climbs out)
Mrs. Johnson: No, no, no! Don't go up there, don't go up on the roof! (at Jeremy) Jeremy, honey, would you do me a favor and call animal control please?
Jeremy: Sure thing, Mom.
(outside the museum Phineas and Ferb spots Candace)
Phineas: Hey Ferb, look up there! That's Candace on the roof. And I was worried this function would be dull. (he calls Candace)
Candace: (on the phone) Phineas help! Jeremy's mom thinks I'm an orangutan and is trying to return me to the wild!
Phineas: Ok, hang tight. We brought the hair remover.

(the scene shifts to Doofenshmirtz on his flying platform)
Doofenshmirtz: This looks like a good spot to fire up the Really Bad-inator. (taps on the control panel of the machine) I can't wait to see what it does. Guess we'll have to wait. Ooh I brought snacks. (walks over to the picnic basket) Let me see what I have here. (rummages through the basket) I brought some baby carrots, and some grapes, and a- ooh, peanut butter! Ooh, and some honey! See, Perry the Platypus, most people like peanut butter and jelly sandwiches but I really prefer peanut butter and honey.
(Perry struggles in his trap)

(the scene shifts to Phineas and Ferb)
Phineas: Very few people know that Myron's Discus Thrower was built with real ancient disc-throwing action (Phineas and Ferb climb onto the statue) Hang on Ferb! (pushes a button on the statue with his foot, sending the arm of the statue spinning) Wwwweeeee! (Phineas and Ferb are thrown onto the roof near Candace) Candace? Ferb and I made a sonic oscillator. This baby'll blow the fuzz off a peach at ninety yards.
Candace: Great, get this hair off of me.
Mrs. Johnson: (opening the window to the roof) Yoohoo! Hello? Little friend, where did you go?
Phineas: Come on Ferb.
(Phineas and Ferb sneak around the edge of the dome to hide from Jeremy's mom.)
Mrs. Johnson: I see you!
Animal Control Guy: Animal control. You got a monkey needs tranquilizing?
Mrs. Johnson: That is not a monkey, it's the very rare tangerine orangutan.
Animal Control Guy: (loading the darts into the tranquilizer gun) Yeah, tomato potato. Just leave it to the professionals. (he cocks the tranquilizer gun and fires at Candace)
Candace: AAH!
(She climbs higher on the dome to escape the dart, which misses her and bounces off. The dart then travels to hit the Animal Control Guy.)
Animal Control Guy: (seeing the dart in his backside) Huh. Would you look at that. Well, you've probably noticed I'm uh...not that good at my job so...you can just take this and I'll be right back. (he passes out)

(Doofenshmirtz is still rummaging through the picnic basket while Perry struggles to free himself from his trap)
Doofenshmirtz: Ooh yes. Peanut butter and honey sandwiches. The trick is the honey, and you get to use one of these weird honey-spoony things. It's- (crashes are heard) Perry the Playtpus, did you just say gungalingdung? (Perry kicks Doofenshmirtz in the face, causing honey to pour all over Doofenshmirtz) Aww, great! Now I'm all sticky. (he gets up while Perry goes to the controls) Oh, now this was my last clean lab coat too. Ugh, it's on now! (Perry takes the controls with a mischievous smirk on his face as he rocks the platform back and forth.) Hey! Hey, hey! What are you doing? Oh, oh I get. Payback. Very funny, Perry the Platypus. Very mature.

Mrs. Johnson: (reading the instruction manual for the tranquilizer gun) Thank you for purchasing the Hanson 3000 Family Friendly Tranquidart Air-contrast delivery system. There are many like it but this one is yours.
Candace: Phineas, hurry, while she's distracted!
Phineas: Alright, Candace.
(Ferb fires the gun, blowing the hair off of Candace, leaving her with her trademark hairstyle.)
Candace: Hey it worked!
(Candace slides down the pole and the scene shifts back to Doofenshmirtz and Perry)

Doofenshmirtz: As soon as I get this honey off of me, I- (Candace's hair hits Doofenshmirtz, sending him screaming off of the platform and onto the pole where Candace once was.) Is this hair? (Perry is still on the platform and manages to disable the Very Bad-inator. He escapes on his glider.) Oh, no! Now I'll never know what the Bad-inator does! Curse you, Perry the Platypus!

Mrs. Johnson: The red plunger will act as a non-return valve and retain the air within the dart. Fear not, helpless primate! Bright banquets of the Elysian vale will soon melt every care away, or my name isn't Hawk-eye Johnson! (aims; tranquilizer gun cocks; shoots)
Doofenshmirtz: Ow! Shot in the butt while covered in honey and hair? What do you know, my horoscope was right. (hugging pole) My beautiful, beautiful horoscope.
Mrs. Johnson: Oh, no! What have I done? She's going to fall!
Doofenshmirtz: (drowsily) Hold the door, Barbara. I think this is our floor. (falls)
Candace: Thanks, guys! I could just hug you! (proceeds to hug her brothers, but ends up catching a hair and honey-covered Doofenshmirtz instead)
Phineas: Awesome!
Mrs. Johnson: Candace? You caught her! You saved this orangutan!
Animal control guy: I'll take it from here. (grunts) Leave it to the professionals.
Doofenshmirtz: Mama, I'm pretty.
Mrs. Johnson: I knew you were a good catch.
Candace: Thanks Mrs. Johnson.
Jeremy: I didn't know you were helping out my mom. You made quite an impression on her.
Candace: Well, I guess you could say I am having a good bad hair day.

(Switches to the Danville Endangered Tangerine Orangutan Reserve)

(Song: With a Dart)

Doofenshmirtz: ♪ I'm blurry and drowsy, but balladry beckons ♪
♪ Though, I might loose consciousness in 17 seconds ♪
♪ Don't know my location, I'm not sure that I care ♪
♪ But, I think I'm in a jungle and I'm covered in hair ♪
♪ If you want to know why, please refer to the chart ♪
♪ I've been shot in the butt with a dart ♪
♪ I've been shot in the-- ♪
(Doofenshmirtz passes out)