(Scene opens up showing the Superduper Mega Superstore. Phineas, Ferb, Candace, Linda, and Perry arrive at the store using the family car.)
Candace: Hurry, Mom! You're nobody unless you're somebody in Glosstacular lipstick!
Linda: All right, Candace. At least let me stop the car.
Candace: I'm nobody unless I'm somebody! I'm nobody unless I'm somebody! (She enters the store)
Linda: I want you boys to pick out some nice back-to-school clothes. (Phineas, Ferb, Linda, and Perry enters the store, and presently walk back out) Wow, that was fast.
Phineas: Well, we do have a signature look. (Phineas sheepishly grins as they have the opposite clothes) Although Perry's mixing it up a bit.
(Perry, wearing a green scarf, chatters)
Linda: Cute. Okay, here's some quarters for the arcade. I'm gonna see what's keeping your sister.
Phineas: Okay. See you later, Mom. With this many quarters we can play seventy-two straight hours of– (He notices a spaceship themed ride and runs to go see it) Hey, check it out. This was my favorite ride when I was little.
Repairman: Better enjoy it while you can, boys. These old fellows are pretty worn out. I'll be back in a little while to haul them away.
Phineas: What a shame. I wonder if they're still as much fun as they used to be.
(In a flashback, Phineas and Ferb ride the spaceship rides, defeating a giant robot. Unfortunately, the ride in reality is pretty underwhelming, with its only action being shaking back and forth. Phineas is not amused.)
Phineas: You know, in retrospect, I may have over-romanticized those memories. But I'll bet with a little effort and some unstable uranium isotopes, we could make them that much fun. Ferb, I know what we're gonna– Hey, where's Perry?
(Inside the arcade)
Buford: (playing a DDR-equse game with Baljeet as Perry walks past) Oh, get with the beat. You're messing up my score.
(Perry walks by Buford and Baljeet and stops at a driving game. He puts on his fedora, sits on the console's seat, puts a coin into the slot, and then drives it away to his lair.)
Major Monogram: Carl, are you sure I don't have any more clean uniforms?
Carl: That's the last one, sir.
Major Monogram: I mean, seriously. I'm growing mushrooms under here. (He sniffs himself) I don't smell too bad, do I?
Carl: I can't smell a thing.
Major Monogram: Well, that's a relief. I thought maybe I was–
Carl: No, no, I can't smell a thing, sir, I have no sense of smell.
Major Monogram: Really?
Carl: I was born without nostrils, sir.
Major Monogram: Oh, I thought you were joking about that on your resume. (Perry arrives) Ah, Agent P. Uh, just give me a few seconds. (Major Monogram transfers to the screen of the video game cabinet) Ahem. Dr. Doofenshmirtz has been buying up every can of aerosol deodorant in the Tri-State Area. And I'm starting to smell like a science-fiction convention. We need you to find out what he's doing with all those aerosol spray cans and put a stop to it. Good luck, Agent P.
♪ Doofenshmirtz walks to the diner! ♪
Doofenshmirtz: I just called in a to-go order for Doofenshmirtz.
Waitress: Hey, Vic? You got an order for Doofyberg?
Doofenshmirtz: No, no, no, "Doofenshmirtz." Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Surely you've heard of me.
Waitress: Okay, order for Hans Doofensmit. Is that right?
Doofenshmirtz: No, "Doofenshmirtz." Doofen-- My-My brother is the mayor.
Waitress: Roger Doofenshmirtz is your brother?
Doofenshmirtz: Yes, Doofenshmirtz.
Waitress: And your name is?
Doofenshmirtz: Heinz Doofenshmirtz.
Waitress: Do we have an order for a Hans Doofenblatz?
Doofenshmirtz: (growls in anger) Mark my words. You will remember the name of Heinz Doofenshmirtz. Hm! (He walks out of the diner, but soon pops his head back in) Could I still get my whole wheat on rye?
Waitress: (while holding a notepad) Sure, what's your name?
(Phineas and Ferb work on the kiddie rides)
Phineas: All done.
Isabella: Hey, Phineas. Whatcha doin'?
Phineas: Oh, hey, Isabella.
Buford: Hey, losers.
Phineas: Oh, hey, guys.
Buford: Don't tell me you're playing with that lame kiddie ride.
Phineas: We've tricked it out, and now it's pretty awesome.
Buford: I'll be the judge of that, step aside. This better be worth a quarter. (Sarcastically, as the ride shakes back and forth) Ooh. This is so exciting. Let me catch my breath.
Baljeet: What is not to like? It has what every kid loves: rocking back-and-forth, and slowness.
Phineas: May I suggest pressing that red button?
Buford: Ooh, can I? (He presses the red button, and the ride sprouts a rocket engine and takes off)
Phineas: So, what do you think?
Buford: (Screaming) I got it. (grabs the steering wheel and pulls the ride to the other direction) Woo-hoo! This is awesome!
(Perry parks the console by D.E. Inc. The seat springs him to the wall and he bursts in.)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, Perry the Platypus. How predictable. And by "predictable," I mean completely...dictable, I guess uh. Anyway... (He pushes a button on a controller, which opens a trap door. Perry falls into a slicked-up pitfall trap then tries to escape.) Hehehehe. Oh, don't bother trying to escape. The walls are made of a super-slick alloy and treated with a few dozen coats of non-stick cooking spray. I'm sure you've noticed my impressive collection of aerosol spray cans. Every can of aerosol deodorant, hair spray and bug repellent from the Tri-State area. All mine. I'm tapping into their ozone-depleting propellants to fuel my latest evil scheme: The Aerosol-Propelled Ozone-Deplete-Inator! (a giant mechanical hand squirts some of the spray out of the can) The citizens of Danville will definitely learn the name of Heinz Doofenshmirtz, when I spell it out in the sky in hundred-foot-tall letters made of atmosphere-destroying aerosol gasses, thereby depleting the protective ozone layer. And the resulting radiation will burn my name right through town! Then they'll remember. And if they don't, they can just look outside. (He cackles) I need a little drink of water after a tirade like that.
(Back at the Megastore)
Candace: Ah, Glosstacular lipstick! Now I can blow up a bounce house and my lips would still be shiny!
(She starts to put on lipstick, but Buford zips past her, ruining it and her hair. She smooths it out.)
Candace: I bet Phineas and Ferb are behind this...
Buford: Wow, that was fun!
Candace: (walks up to them) I've got you this time. (sits in the rocket) And to make sure this doesn't disappear, I'm going to sit here on the evidence 'till Mom comes back!
Buford: This is gonna be worth a quarter.
(Buford puts a quarter into the kiddie ride, and Candace gets launched away in the rocket)
Candace: AHHHHH!! HELP ME!
Phineas: Hang on, Candace! We're right behind you! Good thing we tricked out the other rides. Come on! (Phineas and the gang grab onto each of the rides and head out to save Candace)
(Song: "Ain't No Kiddie Ride")
♪ Ooh ♪
Candace: PHINEAS!!!!!!
Phineas: Hang on, Candace! We're coming!
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Well, the way things look can give the wrong impression ♪
(Candace screams)
♪ But if you adjust the torque ♪
♪ And check the valve compression ♪
♪ Well, you would be advised and realize ♪
♪ That the old cliché is true ♪
♪ You can't judge a book by the way it looks ♪
♪ Boy, the truth is up to you ♪
♪ Like Jekyll and Hyde appearances aside ♪
♪ Ain't no kiddie ride ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Ain't no kiddie ride ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Ain't no kiddie ride ♪
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
Phineas: Nuts. Lost her in the skyline. Isabella, we need you to get us an aerial view.
Isabella: Sure, Phineas. (she lifts her ride upward) Whee!
(Candace screams as she blasts through a farm house, carrying tons of chickens)
Farmer: Well, what do you know? Nostradamus was right.
(The chickens get blown away from the ride, revealing a cow in their place, which soon gets blown as well and reveals Candace underneath it)
Isabella: Wow, she just flew through a barn and her lips are still shiny!
(Candace screams as she notices nearby buildings. She dodges them all in near perfection. Meanwhile, Baljeet's ride starts to come to a stop due to the expired ride time.)
Baljeet: Oh, my friends. It appears that I am out of fuel.
Phineas: No, Baljeet. (On radio) Just put in another quarter.
Baljeet: But all I have is a dollar. (He notices that the machine takes bills) Oh. What do you know. (He straightens the dollar with his hands and inserts it into the slot. It spits it out. He tries again, but fails. He uses the ride's handle as a straightedge to ensure that the bill goes inside the slot. He tries several times to get the ride to take his dollar, but the machine won't. Eventually, the slot starts to properly read the bill.) Hm. (The dollar has spat out again) Oh, come on. (He tries several more times, all to no avail)
(Cut back to D.E. Inc)
Doofenshmirtz: Ah, water. It's like drinking wet air. Now, Perry the Platypus, sit back and listen as the entire Tri-State Area screams the name Heinz Doofenshmirtz and never forgets it again! (Two aerosol cans fall into Perry's trap, and he uses them like a jetpack to propel his way out) Hold it right there, Perry the Platypus. (Doofenshmirtz tries to crush Perry with his giant mechanical hand, but Perry dodge it) Agh!
(At the Danville Canyon, Candace is still screaming, but her engine begins sputtering and the rocket loses power, sending her falling)
Candace: Uh-oh. (She screams) Phineas, help, I'm falling!
Phineas: Just put in another quarter.
Candace: (as she checks her handbag for change) I don't have another quarter! (continues screaming)
(Ferb notices some tourists and gets an idea. He uses a boombox and monochrome clothing so he can do a short dance and earn a coin from them.)
(Song: "Phinedroids and Ferbots" Instrumental)
(Ferb dances to the music in a robotic fashion. The tourists gladly give Ferb a single quarter, which he shoots with a slingshot into Candace's rocket, giving it back its power. It propels back to town)
(Cut back to Doofenshmirtz)
Doofenshmirtz: (He laughs) Hey, nice move, Perry the Platypus, I got to "hand" it to you. Here, let me give you a "hand." Hey, hey. I'm gonna crush you with my big mechanical "hand." Ha! Well, I– I guess that one was just literal, but I've got you now. (Candace bursts through Doofenshmirtz's lair, cutting off the giant hand) Wow. Nostradamus was right! (Perry uses the giant hand to smack Doofenshmirtz into the trap he was previously in)
|
Doofenshmirtz (current): Ow! You know, I don't come to your house and– Wait, these don't have any chlorofluorocarbons in them at all. These aerosol cans are completely harmless! Wh-what was I thinking!? Curse you, Perry the Platypus! |
Doofenshmirtz (original): Oh nice... nice one. Catch the villain in his own trap. That's not ironic Perry the platypus, it's...it's cliché, that's what it is. It's just plain lazy on your part. Curse you, Perry the Platypus! |
(Cut back to Candace, who is still screaming. Jeez does this girl ever get laryngitis? Anyway, Isabella uses a lasso to catch her)
Isabella: Okay, I got her. Yee-haw!
(Isabella lassos Candace's ride, bringing it under control)
Phineas: Good work, everybody. Let's bring it on back to the store.
(They return to the store and the kiddie rides park.)
Phineas: (At the store) (To Candace) Well, it looks like you made it back in one piece.
Candace: You guys are gonna be so busted when I show Mom what you did to those kiddie rides! (leaves)
(Perry chatters)
Phineas: Oh, there you are, Perry.
(Right on cue, a repairman takes the tricked out rocket away on a cart.)
Repairman: All right, one side, kids. We're replacing these old rides with brand-new identical ones. (a new identical rocket is brought out) With special emphasis on the identical. (closes truck and leaves on it) See ya!
Phineas: Bye, now! (to the kids) Well, that was fun. Maybe tomorrow we can supe up our old bikes.
Buford: La-ame!
Phineas: (as they leave) That's what you said about the kiddie rides.
Buford: (offscreen) And I was right! Until I wasn't!
(Candace arrives with Linda right on schedule, oblivious to the switch.)
Candace: (Talking fast) Here it is, Mom, I'll show you! If you'll just give me a quarter, please? (She sits in the ride.)
Linda: Aren't you a little old for kiddie rides?
Candace: No, no, I'm not! Check it out!
(She puts the quarter in; the ride operates normally to her surprise; long pause.)
Linda: (dryly) Well...I guess it does have rocking back-and-forth and slowness?
(Back with Baljeet, who's using an iron to straighten out the dollar)
Baljeet: (After ironing his dollar bill) Okay, dollar, this is your last chance. (He inserts the bill into the slot for a final time, successfully giving the machine credits. However, the ironing table goes off instead. Baljeet kicks ride in frustration, making the ride goes off. He looks at the camera, unamused)
End credits[]
(Song: "Ain't No Kiddie Ride")
♪ Well, the way things look can give the wrong impression ♪
(Candace screams)
♪ But if you adjust the torque ♪
♪ And check the valve compression ♪
♪ Well, you would be advised and realize ♪
♪ That the old cliché is true ♪
♪ You can't judge a book by the way it looks ♪
♪ Boy, the truth is up to you ♪
(Screaming)
♪ Like Jekyll and Hyde appearances aside ♪
♪ Ain't no kiddie ride ♪
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Episode transcripts | Next: "Wizard of Odd" |