Joan Collie (Earth-8311)

Joan Collie was a TV actress portraying a misanthropic, bossy woman in the TV series Die-Nasty. As the show's ratings were dropping, Collie decided to do something to keep the interest on it, lest it be cancelled and she, fired. Aiming to appear in newspapers' covers, Collie obtained a Giant Mechanical Wolf and, under the guise of supervillain Dragon-Lassy, she wrecked havoc on the city. Superhero Spider-Ham discovered a safety button under the robot's foot that turned it into a little, harmless mechanical lamb. Seeing her initial plan foiled, Collie escaped from the robot, donned her civilian clothes and jumped on Spider-Ham's arms as if she had been a damsel in distress rescued by the hero. Photographed by junior journalist Bunsen Bunny, Collie appeared in the Daily Beagle cover - much to the chagrin of Beagle editor's J. Jonah Jackal, who was infatuated with Collie.^[1]

On a second plot, Collie kidnapped Jackal. To do this, she phoned him as Collie, then turned to Dragon-Lassy to keep him in an abandoned movie and TV studio lot, Ostrich Film, tying him on a huge frying pan-like leftover prop from the movie World of the Big Mechanical Wolves Who Are Chefs. Spider-Ham went to rescue Jackal and, when he arrived, Collie tried to escape. Spider-Ham surprised her by chasing the villain instad of rescuing the hostage. Spider-Ham then unmasked Dragon-Lassy, and discovering Collie as her kidnapper enraged Jackal. Jackal released himself, but refused to press charges against Collie due to his admiration to her. When Jackal knew of Collie's motivation, he offered to keep her daily in the newspaper cover, as Jackal's girlfriend (once again, Bunsen Bunny took photos of the moment). However, Die-Nasty was nevertheless cancelled, and Collie had to remain dating Jackal.^[1]

Dragon-Lassy was eventually sent to the State Prison, deprived of her trademark costume but with access to her domino mask. Some time later Dragon-Lassy joined other inmates, including the Bullfrog, Ducktor Doom, and other people captured by Spider-Ham, during a prison break. Spider-Ham tried to stop them from escaping, but the villains attacked him. When Spider-Ham seemed to get the upper hand on Ducktor Doom, Dragon-Lassy took command of the evil force and helped Doom, kicking Spider-Ham's head and giving Doom a chance to overcome Spider-Ham. However, three nearby fat cats ad-libbed a rap show to distract the villains. The villains were captivated by the act, and then taken captive again by the prison's security forces.^[2]

Collie was an actress, a villain mastermind, and a pilot of giant mechanical wolves.^[1]

• J. Jonah Jackal always demanded to be left alone one hour a week to watch Collie on TV.^[1]
• Joan Collie found that Spider-Ham was handsome.^[1]

• Joan Collie and her TV show Die-Nasty are clearly parodies of real-life actress Joan Collins and her TV show Dynasty (1981-1989).