“ ‘You know people are more ready to pay attention to silly games than great deeds.’ ”
After officially leaving her unaccepting mother, Callie has b “ ‘You know people are more ready to pay attention to silly games than great deeds.’ ”
After officially leaving her unaccepting mother, Callie has been living in paradise with their Papa and stepfather, Neal, but when their dad is called back to his knightly duties to help train a young prince, they decide to go with him. Despite Neal’s warnings that the city will not be accepting of them and that the rules are much different than they have been used to, Callie excitedly joins their dad as a squire, looking forward to training and winning a competition. When they arrive, they are immediately treated like a girl, not allowed to fight, and locked in with the other girls for not accepting their place. Through this frustrating time, Callie is forced to confront what the “different” members of the city already know—there is no place for anyone outside of the norm, and if you don’t conform, you will be tossed out. There is no glory here, just a list of games that everyone is expected to play and that hurt anyone who is different, even if that person is the next king.
“ ‘Not all battles can be fought with swords, Callie—remember that. And not all enemies want you dead.’ ”
I found this book, especially Callie’s personal journey, to be quite endearing and really loved having a nonbinary main character in a middle grade series. Callie comes in fighting, with strong convictions and an inability to hold their tongue, and there are both positives and negatives to this. The big positive is that other people who have been forced to hide who they are getting a glimpse of someone that is so unashamedly themselves for the first time, giving them hope. The big downside is that they don’t really have a tactical approach, making them a much bigger target for bigots, even being used as an example of what is wrong with the world. Learning how to navigate this world with all these rules that Callie hasn’t had to adhere to in so long is both exhausting and motivating, as our young knight never loses themselves, but does learn how to play the system to some extent.
“I’m more aware than ever how much I dislike the magical part of myself, and how often I’ve wished it away. It doesn’t work like that. If it’s part of you. Whether you’re a girl or a boy, or both or neither. You don’t get to pick and choose, especially not for other people.”
When Callie first comes to the city, it is evident that they have some internalized misogyny and hate everything that is associated with femininity, including magic, which is traditionally only found in girls. It makes complete sense for this to be the case, as they are extremely young and were forced to be a girl for many years, and it was incredibly satisfying to see them unlearn this hatred towards femininity with the help of their new friend, Elowen. The mindset is definitely shifting, a bit slowly but surely, from “I should be allowed to do this because I’m NOT a girl” to “Why are these gender stereotypes and rules in place anyways?” as Elowen offers to teach them some magic.
“For the longest time, gender felt like being crammed into a pair of shoes I’d never fit into in the first place. Except I didn’t get to pick a new pair. I didn’t even get to try on a different pair just in case. Day after day, I wore the same small shoes, and I kept growing. And the more I grew, the less I fit.”
Going from seeing Callie be forcefully separated from their father, the only person in the city they knew or could trust, to them making friends with the prince and Elowen and seeing how these rules oppressed not only them but everyone was lovely. So few people actually fit into the standard, in systems like this everyone is just expected to shave off the parts that don’t fit or at the very least hide them away. Callie gave her new friends the hope that things can change, or at least that there is a place that they could go to be accepted. Their friends gave Callie the ability to see other points of view. For example, Elowen being a girl who doesn’t just want to heal with her magic shed some light on their more misogynistic ways of thinking and allowed them to grow.
“ ‘Family are the people who love you,’ he told me once. ‘Exactly as you are, regardless of blood and bond.’ ”
Prince Willow, Elowen, and Edwyn, Elowen’s brother, were incredibly compelling side characters, with their own, usually big, issues and a lot of unconditional love to go around (well, with Willow and Elowen) and Symes-Smith did an incredible job of making me care deeply for them. My favorite character, which surprised me, was Edwyn. I did not have a super strong reaction about anything except his arc, which I maybe cried over a little (*definitely, *a lot). Where Callie has been blessed with two wonderful dads, the other kids haven’t been so lucky. The pain and questioning that comes with having terrible (or just absent) parents was heartbreaking to read about, as the struggle with accepting themselves hinged on the acceptance of the people that should accept them regardless of who they are.
“Being brave is being scared and doing it anyway.”
Overall, this was a very solid introduction to a middle grade series, filled with friendship and bravery in all different forms. It was very much a book about being true to yourself, and I cannot wait to continue the series. Requesting the arc of book 3 because I didn’t realize that it was the third book was a great happy little accident.
“Just holding and kissing gently. Little angel kisses. If this had been it, if I had died then, I would have said it was enough.”
A devastating yet b “Just holding and kissing gently. Little angel kisses. If this had been it, if I had died then, I would have said it was enough.”
A devastating yet beautiful story of being gay in Australia from the seventies through the nineties, “Holding the Man is the nonfiction story of the Timothy Conigrave’s life as a gay man, from his sexual awakening to battling HIV and then AIDS with his partner, John Caleo, and their friends. While there is sorrow in the diagnosis, it is accompanied by the juxtaposition of the joy that Tim finds being an out gay man, in spite of his mum’s warning that, if he didn’t grow out of being gay he would live a ‘very sad, lonely life.’
“He smiled and whispered, ‘I wish you were a girl.’ I wasn’t sure what he meant but said I wished he was a girl too.”
While I’d say the bulk of this book has to do with John, a lot of it also has to do with both of their families and the support and love they found in their friends. Every place there was hatred and an attempt at pulling John and Tim apart from their families (especially John’s), their friends, even in the beginning, were loving and supporting, always finding ways to help them see each other and accepting them for who they are. There is a really big part of this where you can feel Tim fighting back against his mother’s notion that being gay is lonely and, almost always, proving her wrong. This helped a lot with keeping a lighter tone for the majority of the book, but sometimes John’s catholic parents would win, like when his mother told him that if he wanted her to tell people that he was in the hospital for an AIDS-related cancer then she wouldn’t be his mother anymore, or when John’s father tries his very hardest to complete erase the fact that John and Tim were in a fifteen-year relationship that was a marriage in everything but name. But even then, when John’s father is taking so much from them legally, their friends are there to find small ways to fight. There is sorrow in the times that they were born, but there is also light and Tim is set on making sure that people who read this know that.
“He places the towel around my waist and pulls me toward him. ‘Your strength is in this.’ He places his mouth on mine and I am charged. I am strong, I am a man. We sink into the water. I am cocooned. I am whole.”
Throughout the entire book, Tim is very explicit with his attraction and exploits, which is not my preference, but I don’t mind too much as I again kind of found it to be a type of rebellion to be able to openly talk about it in a published book. While I really appreciate the brutal self-reflection, there are (many) times where Tim is unfaithful to John and it can be a bit hard to read about at times. The vulnerability for him to show his audience all of him is commendable though.
“Over our group of friends lay a pall of fear. Discussions would revolve around the latest theory or rumor. ‘We’re going to know people who will die from this.’ ”
Before their symptoms get too bad, Tim is an active member in a theater community to raise awareness for HIV/AIDS and works at the AIDS Hotline once he is diagnosed. With the play, there is a need from the gay community to “reclaim an issue that had been hijacked by the media” as their community begins to notice how much information being told about AIDS is both not told by people who have AIDS nor are gay people at the forefront of talking about it in the media. Instead of education, there is fear and the wondering if anyone cares because it feels like nothing is being done because of the community it is most affecting. This is another place where Conigrave mixes a devasting reality with the hope and joy of community banding together to help each other in any way they can. It is devasting, but they don’t give up hope.
“ ‘I don’t think we realized what we were dealing with. I believed that all we needed was a positive attitude, and everything would turn out right. What a way to find out we were wrong.’ ”
“I have AIDS. I’m not afraid of dying but I don’t want to be in pain. I want as much time as I can get. What’s that? Six months? Three years? Will I ever see my play produced? Everything needs to be reassessed now. I have AIDS. What will the boys in the project think? What will my friends think? I don’t want them to be scared of me or the fact that I’m dying. Am I dying? I don’t know. I don’t think so.”
Conigrave doesn’t shy away from the sometimes-nauseating details of living with and being the caretaker of someone with HIV, and later AIDS. This is the first book I have read on the disease and, while I knew how terrible it was at a distance, it felt important to see the inner workings of it up close and how much ruin it left in its wake. While there is devastation, a huge part of the second half of this book focuses on how the queer community came together to help each other, highlighting how, even in the midst of an incredibly devasting time where their loved ones were dying left and right, there was a strong community of people helping each other and supporting each other. While John and Tim are dealing with their sickness and, later, Tim is dealing with John’s family’s attempt at erasing him completely from John’s life, there is still a strong, loving support system that allows them to stay as strong as they can, which almost feels like a rebellion in itself.
“I guess the hardest thing is having so much love for you and it somehow not being returned. I develop crushes all the time but that is just misdirected need for you. You are a hole in my life, a black hole. Anything I place there cannot be returned. I miss you terribly.”
This book was finished ten days before Tim Conigrave died of an AIDS-related illness and was published posthumously. While I do not know if I believe in an afterlife, I hope John and Tim’s spirits are somewhere happy together, despite the attempts at erasure of their relationship.
“ ‘I end and begin in the Driada, and that is how it will be for eternity. The wood must always have a warden.’ ”
Where the Dark Stands Still is an “ ‘I end and begin in the Driada, and that is how it will be for eternity. The wood must always have a warden.’ ”
Where the Dark Stands Still is an enchanting debut balances a cozy cottage-core vibe with the creepiness of a demon-infested magical woods. I have seen it described as a mix Howl’s Moving Castle and Polish Folklore, and, if we added Beauty and the Beast into the mix, I think that is an apt description. This is an atmospheric tale that has a lot going for it. The elements of the sentient house, magical woods, and spirits are among the strongest for me as they create this added layer of whimsy that really create the cozy vibes. I was also pleasantly surprised with some more unexpected queer representation in this one. Overall, if you’re looking for a bit of a classic romantic fantasy with a small but mighty found family, a Howl-esque old spirit, and some Slavic folklore, I’d recommend checking this one out!
“Children do foolish things until they are old enough to understand they are foolish—until their father teaches them to weave the straw hangings found in every Stodola home, or their mother explains why she ties their hair with crimson ribbons.”
I am not someone who knows much about Slavic folklore at all (and I also don’t want to spoil), but I found the way that the Leszy was portrayed to be compelling and quite interesting. The forest housed a lot of spirits that were great additions to the story and the way the woods functioned and the Leszy’s purpose fit. There is another Slavic mythologic figure that comes into the story a little later that kind of enters a bit dramatically and very abruptly turns this book from a more cosy read into an action packed ending, and I’m not really sure if they’re done well, but I didn’t dislike it? Overall, I thought the Polish folklore was really interesting to read about and it was cool to not really be able to guess what was going to happen based off the introduction of folkloric elements since I was unfamiliar with them.
“That was when Liska knew that there was something wrong with her that could not be prayed away. The thing inside her, it made people afraid.”
The setting of this book is in a relatively newly monotheistic society after shifting from worshipping pagan gods, making the village that Liska comes from very against gods and magic. Because of this, Liska has a really negative relationship with her magic as she suppresses it so that she will be accepted. (sound familiar?) Liska coming terms with her magic and her fears is an interesting plotline that is explored well. It is obvious that the magic here is a metaphor for a lot of things that aren’t accepted in spaces that mirror those from this book especially through the dialogue. At one point, Liska is convinced the church was right about her and the dangers of her magic and the Leszy says to her, ‘No,’ he says sharply. ‘The church is clever.’ in regards to it demonizing magic in order to push it’s own agenda. I kept thinking about how this especially mirrored the queer experience as Liska continued to suppress who she was. This was really well done and I really love how magic was used to symbolize real world topics.
“ ‘Impressed?’ he asks, amused. ‘I think I might be going into shock.’ ‘I do have that effect on women,’ he says casually.”
The characters of this one really made it for me. The Leszy is a sassy, petulant 700-year-old spirit that feels a bit Howl-esque and Liska is able to bite back in a really fun way. They both have this really great dry humor (see: “The people of Wałkowo are used to my visits by now,’ he says. ‘At least I assume so, since they’ve stopped screaming at the mere sight of me.’ ” ) that bounces well and is entertaining to read. The way their relationship progressed felt pretty realistic too; however, the weakest part of this book for me was their romance. I found the previous romance that the Leszy was in to be significantly more compelling and, while I did really enjoy Liska and the Leszy’s interactions and sass, I just didn’t really feel a romantic connection. I also am a bit of a pet name hater and “not-so-clever fox” got really old really fast (seriously, that’s so long). There were also a few moments that I found to be a bit cringe and cliché, but I do think that a lot of those factors played really into subverting expectations for the ending of this book which I really loved. I was also really just neutral about the relationship, which is pretty impressive for a romance that is between a 17-year-old girl and a 700-year-old forest so kudos to the book, I guess? The good news is that, although this is categorized as a fantasy romance, I would argue that the romance is very much on the backburner with this one and the main relationship between Liska and the Leszy is more structured to learning to love and trust again in any capacity.
“… she is not defined by her magic, for better or for worse.”
Where the romance fell short, the found family went hard. Liska radiated kindness throughout the whole book so watching her kind of collect these new inhabitants in the house and bond with the house and the wood felt very natural and was honestly just really sweet. The backbone of this book really is the found family here and just the way that Liska is able to create these really safe, beautiful spaces for others as someone who was denied that for so long. With that ability to create these spaces, Liska also starts deconstructing her view of herself and moving away from how the church views her, allowing for growth and self-love.
“What is fate but an excuse to surrender responsibility?”
There were some points during the second half of the book where I was starting to lose steam and wasn’t super invested, but the last two chapters of this book really tied the whole thing together for me. It subverted my expectations in a way that really worked. A lot of things that made me cringe a little were seen in a new light and I really appreciate the direction Poranek took with this one. It really was the perfect ending for me and I cannot wait to see what she writes next.
i genuinely do not know how such a short book affected me in such a way. the writing was so mystical but also so so horrible. these kids, they were usi genuinely do not know how such a short book affected me in such a way. the writing was so mystical but also so so horrible. these kids, they were us but in a more mystical sense, yet they also had their normal demons. the feelings of relatedness and wanting to feel wanted were so relatable, and the lengths some people would go to be in a place they felt truly accepted and themselves was not exaggerated. ...more
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