Very Good, Jeeves! Quotes

“The voice of Love seemed to call to me, but it was a wrong number.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“Red hair, sir, in my opinion, is dangerous.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“Unseen in the background, Fate was quietly slipping lead into the boxing-glove.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“Hell, it is well known, has no fury like a woman who wants her tea and can't get it.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“As Shakespeare says, if you're going to do a thing you might as well pop right at it and get it over.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“There is no time, sir, at which ties do not matter.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“Remember what the poet Shakespeare said, Jeeves? 'Exit hurriedly, pursued by a bear.' You'll find it in one of his plays.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“I don't know why it is, but women who have anything to do with Opera, even if they're only studying for it, always appear to run to surplus poundage.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“There's no doubt about it, being a policeman warps a man's mind and ruins that sunny faith in his fellow human beings which is the foundation of a lovable character. There seems to be no way of avoiding this.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“Jeeves," I said. "A rummy communication has arrived. From Mr. Glossop."

"Indeed, sir?"

"I will read it to you. Handed in at Upper Bleaching. Message runs as follows:

When you come tomorrow, bring my football boots. Also, if humanly possible, Irish water-spaniel. Urgent. Regards. Tuppy.

"What do you make of that, Jeeves?"

"As I interpret the document, sir, Mr. Glossop wishes you, when you come tomorrow, to bring his football boots. Also, if humanly possible, an Irish water-spaniel. He hints that the matter is urgent, and sends his regards."

"Yes, that is how I read it. But why football boots?"

"Perhaps Mr. Glossop wishes to play football, sir.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“I was back at the flat so quick that I nearly met myself coming out.”
― P.G. Wodehouse , Very Good, Jeeves!

“One more toot--just one single, solitary suggestion of the faintest shadow or suspicion of anything remotely approaching a toot--and may the Lord have mercy on your soul.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“Why has the car stopped?"

"Ah!" I said with manly frankness that became me well. "There you have me."

You see, I'm one of those birds who drive a lot but don't know the first thing about the works. The policy I pursue is to get aboard, prod the self-starter, and leave the rest to Nature. If anything goes wrong, I scream for an A.A. scout. It's a system that answers admirably as a rule, but on the present occasion it blew a fuse owing to the fact that there wasn't an A.A. scout within miles.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“If you ask my Aunt Agatha she will tell you — in fact, she is quite likely to tell you even if you don’t ask her — that I am a vapid and irreflective chump. Barely sentient, was the way she once described me: and I’m not saying that in a broad, general sense she isn’t right.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“I have always had a suspicion that Aunt Dahlia, while invariably matey and bonhomous and seeming to take pleasure in my society, has a lower opinion of my intelligence than I quite like. Too often it is her practice to address me as ‘fathead’, and if I put forward any little thought or idea or fancy in her hearing it is apt to be greeted with the affectionate but jarring guffaw.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“One of the first lessons life teaches us is that on these occasions of back-chat between the delicately-natured, a man should retire into the offing, curl up in a ball, and imitate the prudent tactics of the opossum, which, when danger is in the air, pretends to be dead, frequently going to the length of hanging out crêpe and instructing its friends to gather round and say what a pity it all is.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“Jeeves,' I said - and I am not ashamed to confess that there was a spot of chokiness in the voice - 'there is none like you, none.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“Every young man starting life ought to know how to cope with an angry swan, so I will briefly relate the proper procedure. You begin by picking up the raincoat which somebody has dropped; and then, judging the distance to a nicety, you simply shove the raincoat over the bird’s head; and, taking the boat-hook which you have prudently brought with you, you insert it underneath the swan and heave. The swan goes into a bush and starts trying to unscramble itself; and you saunter back to your boat, taking with you any friends who may happen at the moment to be sitting on roofs in the vicinity. That was Jeeves’s method, and I cannot see how it could have been improved upon.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“As Shakespeare says, if you’re going to do a thing you might just as well pop right at it and get it over.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!

“You know how it is. Love's flame flickers and dies, reason returns to her throne, and you aren't nearly as ready to hop about and jump through hoops as in the first pristine glow of the divine passion.”
― P.G. Wodehouse, Very Good, Jeeves!