To be honest, my rating of this book is largely carried by the prologue. It was captivating, and interesting, and really made me want to dive more intTo be honest, my rating of this book is largely carried by the prologue. It was captivating, and interesting, and really made me want to dive more into the book. That the rest of the book wasn't quite as compelling is unfortunately just the way it is. While still engaging, it didn't hold that magic of exploration that the intro did.
Vanderbilt has a premise; that people can be lifelong learners. As someone who studied training and development and particularly learning for adults, I fully support and believe in that. But, it stands to change that methods and abilities also change as we age and hold other responsibilities. He starts with denoting the differences between him and his daughter as they seek to learn chess, and their approaches based on age and experience. Then, leaving his daughter as a joint person in learning behind, he outlines his experiences learning other skills; singing, surfing, jewelry-making, juggling and more. His goal is not to become an expert (although frequently we fall into that trap when learning) but just to appreciate the learning for learning's sake.
Again, his intro was the most interesting to me, I think because it did offer that variance between him and his daughter and touched on methods of learning more. While there was some science around learning included in the other chapters, it didn't quite capture the attention as much. I still enjoyed reading about his various endeavors and appreciated that there wasn't a milestone end or significant goal to be reached. It reminds me too of how much I learn to try to be the best at something, which is an impossibility. Does it speak to our culture? My own personality? Probably a mixture of both in truth.
From a purely reading standpoint, I experienced this book in three different ways. The first was reading it out loud to my significant other, which combined with the fact it was my favorite part of the book, was an enjoyable experience. Unfortunately, my voice gave out too often, and I then switched to the audiobook, in which the narrator (Vanderbilt himself) was so soothing that we couldn't really listen without falling asleep quickly. Which then led me back to finishing the book just reading it in general (no going back to losing my voice, sorry s/0).
If you're interested in the science of learning, recognize that this just touches on it briefly and is more of a personal experience narrative. But it's valuable in its own right and hopefully gives some inspiration to keep learning, no matter the outcome.
Ok, firstly I'm deeply regretting the fact that I didn't read this book in audio form. Because, the author narrates it, and who doesn't love listeningOk, firstly I'm deeply regretting the fact that I didn't read this book in audio form. Because, the author narrates it, and who doesn't love listening to her??!! But that being said, even in written form, this was a comforting book and full of the positivity I've seen in her videos.
Tabitha Brown uses this book to help inspire. If you've ever watched her videos online, you know that she has a warm presence, is very accepting, and just wants to have some decent vegan food. She does all this with charm and distinctive phrases that are uniquely her. This book is written in that same voice. Despite not being an audiobook, I narrated in my head as her.
I wouldn't say this book is so much about cooking or food. She does have a few recipes in her, but it's almost a memoir / inspirational book. She talks about her relationship with God, the things that have happened in her life, and the lessons she's learned. Those lessons are the focus, along with advice she gives along the way.
Charming, quick to read, and full of acceptance, this is definitely a good read!
This book has been everywhere! So I decided to finally give it a try. Everyone can use some self-love and self-care once in awhile. That being said thThis book has been everywhere! So I decided to finally give it a try. Everyone can use some self-love and self-care once in awhile. That being said though, while I enjoyed the memoir and general aspects of this book, I can't say that it really taught me anything that I didn't already know. Which, to be fair, isn't really the intention, its more validation that "hey, these things worked for me" sprinkled in with some comedic value and some pain.
Journaling is the biggest thing the author lands on. And ugh, I just don't enjoy journaling. Not because of any trauma or anything else, I just prefer to write fiction when I write. I have to write enough non-fiction at work. So journaling is just not my thing. Other topics were a little more in my zone though, like buying yourself the f*cking lillies. It used to be tough for me to spend money (and that may have been a reflection of my income for a very good chunk of my life) on myself. Slowly I'm breaking that habit and starting to spoil myself a bit more, and as the theme of the book goes, if it's not detrimental, allow yourself to be that spoiled.
I was horrified at some of the stories she told about her parents (and that after these things she still talks to them). I don't think I'd have it in me. But her perspective on relationships does make you think and shows a great capacity for forgiveness (or acceptance).
So while not really my cup of tea, if this is a genre that you generally get engaged in, it will probably hit the spot for you!
Admittedly I thought this was going to be a book about women who were raised in the wild (or raised by wolves, that sort of folklore) as that is what Admittedly I thought this was going to be a book about women who were raised in the wild (or raised by wolves, that sort of folklore) as that is what the title and subtitle seemed to indicate. I was wrong. This is more of a psychoanalysis book and self-help than a book on myths.
Estes has taken a collection of myths and stories from folklore and dissected them one by one into telling the story of the female subconscious. The motives and actions, the restrictions society has placed on the "wild woman" and the way that women can rediscover their wildness. She gives little lessons and advice for those who have been brought down by society and describes the process of suppressing a woman's instincts. The myths themselves are told regularly and then she adds her interpretation to the mix, showing how it relates to female psychology.
This book is all about women. Men are mentioned but only in relation to women. And more often than not they are the oppressors. Although there are a few mentions of men who encourage the wildness in women. The books total theme was one of oppression though, and I was a bit surprised that even when she was encouraging wildness and restoring women back to themselves, she kept referring to arts, and childbirth, and barely a mention of science. It almost seemed like her vision of taking the female self back was still pretty traditional. She wanted a stronger woman, but one that could paint or write and take back her creativity. This might not be very empowering for those women who rather than have strong skills in the arts, are good in the sciences or math. It just didn't seem to be all encompassing.
I liked the myths in the book but did not enjoy how she dissected one story over and over and over. Once would have been sufficient as I found myself growing bored with the tedium of her repetitiveness. I think at some points it was just an effort to make the book longer. And all of the writing was at that level of descriptiveness. So many words to say the same thing over and over. It made the book a bit of a slog. But, returning back to the myths I think she chose some interesting ones, and there were some that I had never heard before, such as the tale of Baba Yaga and the armless girl. She had a nice variety.
I think this book would have been immensely better if it had been edited down. It had interesting concepts but they were lost in the sheer amount of words and the explanations were repetitive. I just can't recommend it based on that.
Women Who Run With the Wolves Copyright 1992 520 pages
**This book was received as a Free Advanced Reviewer's Copy**
I'd never heard of The Camino De Santiago before reading this book. The Appalachian Trail**This book was received as a Free Advanced Reviewer's Copy**
I'd never heard of The Camino De Santiago before reading this book. The Appalachian Trail, yes. The Camino, no. Maybe that's because even though it is a 800 km trek, it's more of a spiritual journey than a physical one. After all, you're supposed to receive forgiveness at the end and it's considered a pilgrimage.
Elaine Foster, a Psychologist, takes an early retirement to work on her own issues. Her husband, Joe, encourages her to walk the Camino with him. So they get ready to travel and fly over to Spain to begin their journey. Aside from the brutal physical aspect of it, it proves to be an emotional journey for them. They learn things about themselves, relationships, and other people and also meet quite a few eclectic people also traveling the Camino for their own reasons.
Elaine and Joe both take turns writing this book. It's broken up into each day (or almost each day, not every single one is here) and they both tell what they experience in that day in their own sections (labeled as who is narrating). They actually must be well suited for one another as I found their "voice" to be quite similar. They both focus on the emotional aspects of the journey and the introspection they experience. Joe tends to focus a little more on the food they encounter while Elaine focuses a tad more on the people. They're both brutally honest about their feelings and own perceived shortcomings and I think it was courageous that they could talk about their weaknesses like that. Perhaps that freedom is just one of the many things they learned on the Camino. I also liked some of the people they got to meet along the way. It was such a varied group and they all seemed like good people. I can't really recall any mean person that they encountered.
The dual writing style was a bit repetitive at first, but as the book got further in they had different things to talk about. In addition to their feelings of walking the Camino, they shared a little bit about equipment, a lot about the different places they stayed every night, and there were even a couple of recipes included in the book. In fact, the only thing that didn't have a lot of description was the trail itself. I was a bit saddened at the lack of scenery and mountain trails in the writing. There was a little, but the hostels they stayed at generally got more description than the beauty of nature. I understand that it was a spiritual journey, so emotions and people were of utmost importance to write about, but surrounded by all that beauty I just can't imagine not writing chapters upon chapters about it. It was still good writing though and it kept you engaged throughout the entire book. In fact, I'm not religious at all (and religion was a theme in this book) but there were several passages that really moved me, and one most poignantly right now "No matter how prepared we try to make ourselves for the inevitable reality of death, the work of true grief will always feel raw and painful. Accepting this truth helps to separate pain from unnecessary layers of suffering (pg.161)." I have a pet that was recently diagnosed with kidney failure. And it doesn't matter that I knew she was growing old, it still hurts to know that I'll be losing her at some point when she's been the only real constant in my life. But this sentence helped me to realize that even though it hurts, I can still enjoy what time I have. Maybe not what the author intended by this lesson, but still one that helped me.
Will I be hiking the Camino any time soon myself? No, probably not. I'm not at the point yet where I can just up and go because of responsibilities that keep me tied down. But it's always a possibility in the future and I am very grateful to this book for not only showing me the emotional path it offers, but letting me know of its existence in the first place! This is an excellent read for the traveler, self-help aficionado or lover of non-fiction journeys.
In Movement There Is Peace Copyright 2013 296 pages
I won't quite call this quackery, but I'm pretty dubious as to the actual uses of this book. I even tried out some of the methods in here and even thoI won't quite call this quackery, but I'm pretty dubious as to the actual uses of this book. I even tried out some of the methods in here and even though I knew the people I asked weren't going to lie to me, according to this book, they were. But I'll get into that later.
Never Be Lied To Again goes through all the different ways of lying, how to determine if someone is lying, how to get to them to tell the truth, and other strategies you could ever want to know. It helps determine body language, phrases used by liars, and methods they use to cover up their lies. It also tells you how to coax the truth out by different methods of interrogation or giving people the "easy way" out of a lie. It says that you can get to the truth in five minutes by using these methods.
Ok, well here's the problem. In order to begin to memorize these strategies and use them, it's going to take way more than five minutes. In fact, by the time you get the hang of it, you may not even need the skill anymore. And then there are the dubious ways that you would go about getting the answer you want. A lot of it involves lying yourself, which I've always heard two wrongs don't make a right. And then there's the promising good things will happen if the person tells the truth, without really saying if you should back it up. If you lie about not getting mad, etc. the person is only going to believe you once, and this method will become ineffectual after the second time. In fact, the whole process for ferreting out a lie seems sleazy and relationship damaging. Especially if the person you suspect is lying, is telling the truth.
Then there's the recognizing if someone is a liar or not. There are some well known truthful ways to determine that in here. For example, body language and no eye contact. But then there's the little test I ran. The book says that if someone is recalling a memory, they look up and to the opposite side of their dominant hand. If they are making it up, they look up and to the same side as their dominant hand. I walked up to my mother (who did not know the book I was reading) and asked her what the color of her first car was. She looked up and to the left (she's left handed) and said that it was copper. And she has the pictures to back up the fact she was telling the truth. Ok, that was one time, I did the same thing with my brother, asking him a memory question and he looked me straight in the eye when he answered. So to me, even though I know this wasn't a full experiment, it was a pretty big clue that not everything in this book is true or useful.
Another criticism I would have is that aside from a couple sentences, the book doesn't go into socio-paths, mental disease, and other types of people that this book would have no bearing on. If you don't care that you're lying, believe your lie is the truth, or are convinced that your lie is in the best interest of everyone, nothing is this book is going to work at ferreting out that lie. And having been in a relationship with two liars, one of which would probably have admitted to things using a couple of the applicable yet sleazy methods in this book and one who was a socio-path and lied because he had no care of its effect, I can say firsthand that it is the second person who scares me the most. Not the first. Lies, while they hurt, are easier to deal with than someone who can lie without impunity and not care about its effects.
To just comment on the overall writing style of the book. It's written in a clear precise way with bullet points outlining the helpful steps and tips. I can't find fault with the way the book is formatted. It also reads simplistic, and easy to understand for most anyone who would pick this book up.
I know I sound rough on this book, but I really didn't find it helpful at all. I would never practice the methods here for fear of becoming a worse person (and a liar) myself. If I suspect someone of lying and need to use the methods here, it's probably best I don't associate with that person at all instead of going through all the trouble this book suggests. Not a book I would recommend to anyone.
Since leaving my last relationship a few months ago, I've struggled with what has happened and as such, have read (and keep reading) several books covSince leaving my last relationship a few months ago, I've struggled with what has happened and as such, have read (and keep reading) several books covering the topic of emotional/verbal abuse. This book attracted me because it is just that "no visible wounds" meaning that it does not incorporate physical abuse and therefore doesn't seem to make all other forms of abuse as trivial (not saying other books do this but as a victim it sometimes makes me feel invalidated when they go into the physical and focus on that).
Abuse always grows worse. The abuser that hits may one day kill. The abuser that starts with only criticizing may evolve into screaming obscenities and insults. Or maybe neither, maybe it will just be a steady erosion of bringing down the partner's self esteem. This book explores that notion and how non-physical abuse is just as serious and as damaging as physical abuse. It starts with clarifying just what non-physical abuse is and the different signs and symptoms of it. Then it goes into the signs of it or how it happens. Why it can happen. Part three covers how others react to non-physical abuse. Often it is invalidated and a common misconception is that if they aren't beating you, its not abuse. Or that the woman could just leave if she were being abused (which is one of the hardest things and near impossible to do as a result of non-physical abuse). The last part covers on whether or not abuse can be stopped. Almost every book I've read states that it is very unlikely that an abuser will ever change or even recognize what they are doing is abuse. But there is a small percentage that will, but it is very very minuscule. More often, making abuse stop lies in the victims end to remove themselves in all ways possible, and this book offers some helpful hints for doing so. It really focuses on acknowledging the abuse, because believing you've been abused is very hard for victims.
I appreicate the tone of this book and its hard stance on NOT blaming the victim. Sure it can be easy to say that someone was asking for it, or they should just get out of a hurtful situation, but until you've been there, you can't know how hard it actually is. And non-physical abuse is very clever. It erodes your self esteem and makes you feel as if what is happening is normal and that you deserve the abuse. You may not even realize you're abused until someone tells you (this is what happened to me). You may know something is wrong, but you don't realize its as serious as you think as "all couples fight". The difference is in the way people fight. Some of it is not natural. This book helps identify if you are possibly with an abuser. It gives 9 guidelines and even answering yes to one of these means you could be in an abusive relationship.
Some of the other books I've read focus more on trying to "fix" an abusive relationship. Which is not helpful at all. This book doesn't do that. This is more an educational and informational book with no other purpose than to educate. I'd say that of everything I've read, this book, and Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That have been the best on the subject. They offer ways of coping and validation for what a victim has experienced. It doesn't expect the victim to "fix" the abuser and give false hope or expectations. And while this book doesn't sugar coat things, its not rough to read either. It won't make you feel bad if you haven't removed yourself from an abusive situation. My only complaint is that it really only focuses on "full blown" abusive situations. It doesn't really offer as much help for those people who left while the abuse was still "light" (if abuse can ever be called such a thing) or who left just as the abuse was beginning. It can make it hard to relate to at times.
This book will be staying in my library. Its a valuable resource and a good book to turn to for validation.
The Verbally Abusive Man is kind of a follow up to the author, Patricia Evans, previous book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. In fact, I would recom The Verbally Abusive Man is kind of a follow up to the author, Patricia Evans, previous book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. In fact, I would recommend reading that one first as she touches on some points from it in this book. This book, instead of focusing on the relationship, instead focuses on the abuser and whether or not he can change, and to a smaller extent, whether or not a woman should stay or go. This is probably something only useful for those in an intimate relationship.
The main first part of this book deals with the portrayal of the verbally abusive man and his dream woman. In this case, the dream woman is someone he's concocted as an extension of himself and “placed” in his partner's self as a way of seeing her as perfect. Once he does this, it is harder for him to see the real person past his dream women, and when something is out of line with what he thinks it should be, he gets angry because she is not mirroring his dream woman. This area also goes into the different types of verbal abuse, whether or not counseling is helpful, and if a change is even possible for the abuser. Next the author moves on to the partner's wanting a change and what would motivate an abuser to change. Finally, the main focus of the book “The Agreement” is brought forth and the author shares how to prepare it and present it, and finally how to write the agreement. After this is done it explains what men seeking change can do (this book focuses on the male being the abuser), whether or not the abuser is following the change, and what to do if he won't agree to cooperate with the Agreement. It follows with choosing to stay or go in the relationship.
I find this book helpful for identifying if someone is willing to change. However, this book is more geared towards people who want to make it work and if you are already out of the relationship it is a lot harder to see how it would apply or help you aside from what the author calls “letting him know why you left.” I believe that if you have already left, the abuser probably doesn't care why as they are too angry at you for leaving. I also fear for the way she says to present as even if there was never any physical harm, verbal anger is hard enough and it may unleash quite a bit when the abuser is presented with the Agreement rather than making him see what he has done by any means. If he is a discounter he will probably write the whole thing off out of hand. Just by reading the whether or not he will change log I felt that if I presented the Agreement, especially since I had already left, that it would make things worse. And while she does cover this a little bit, the majority of the information is directed towards making things work and what to do if it does work. There isn't as much information or validation for those who can't even attempt to present the agreement or for those who it didn't work for. I recognize that the main premise of this book is the Agreement, but usually those people looking at these types of books are usually doing everything in their power, or are trying to heal themselves and will consume every resource cover to cover. It could make them feel like they aren't doing enough or didn't try hard enough while they were in the relationship.
It has some good and bad points like most books do. Unfortunately every relationship has different aspects and while there are commonalities, there isn't a guideline for any specific person when you're writing for many people. I do think this is a good resource to see if someone can change, but if you recognize that they can't or if it hurts too much to keep reading about those people it did work for don't feel like you need to keep reading.
It should be noted that there are some helpful appendices at the end that help identify abusive phrases and words, resources, and other information.
The Verbally Abusive Man Copyright 2006 256 pages...more
This was one of the better books I've read on the subject. It offers clear insight into the problems of mentally/verbally abusive relationships withouThis was one of the better books I've read on the subject. It offers clear insight into the problems of mentally/verbally abusive relationships without adopting the “blame the victim” mentality so many of the other books had. For someone struggling with their decisions already, those types of books only make things worse. Although, this book, like the others, has suggestions for how to make things work with your abuser which doesn't help either if they don't want to pursue it. It just makes you feel like you didn't do enough if other people had agreed to recognize what was going on but your partner wouldn't. This book could also be potentially useful for those in abusive situations that aren't intimate relationships as well.
The first part of the book helps you to evaluate your own experience and whether or not your relationship contained verbal abuse. It also focused on what the author calls the two types of power and why one of them isn't healthy. It explores these powers and how people use them within the relationship. Most importantly, this chapter focuses on the consequences of the abuse. Part two goes more into depth on the different types of verbal abuse and trying to change it. There are also sections discussing therapists and children in the relationship.
I found this book helpful when it talked about recognizing the signs of abuse. Often victims of abuse don't trust their own judgment after being talked down to so long that they can't personally see whats happening to them. This book helps provide a checklist for validating the experiences. Also, if you are still in the relationship, it does give a couple tips for trying to make the abuser see the light so to speak and get help. The problem with this is that for people who have already left the relationship or who's partners won't recognize that they need help, this part is rather useless and instead makes the abused feel worse as they think there was more they could have done, when really they couldn't.
There are good and bad books out there and I would rate this as one of the better ones. It still won't meet everyones needs but hopefully can help some people.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship Copyright 1992 217 pages
I had hoped that by reading this book to gain a little more clarity on everything that has happened. While it helped reinforce what an abusive relatioI had hoped that by reading this book to gain a little more clarity on everything that has happened. While it helped reinforce what an abusive relationship looked like, it wasn't as proficient at helping figure out what they next steps were except for a few cases with specific qualifications. This book would probably be most useful for intimate relationships rather than any other kind of abusive dynamic.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship takes a look at both the abuser and the victim. It offers techniques and help for both on improving the relationship. Each chapter is set into two parts, one for the victim figuring out if they are being abused, and the other for the abuser figuring out if they are abusing someone. The first part deals with actually putting a label on the abuse. The next tries to show why someone might abuse/allow themselves to be abused. Next is how to prevent the abuse from happening on both sides. The last part is where to go from here after reading this book.
I found the book very helpful in the first part when it outlines whether or not you are in an abusive relationship or not or if you are abusing something. The checklists are easy to follow and spell out why something is or isn't abuse. It was the next part that I had some trouble with. The author insists that abusers/victims all have some original abuser in the past and you have to come to terms with that abuse before healing this abuse. The problem with that is, what about those people who didn't have abusive childhoods but still find themselves victims of abuse? There are no other alternatives in this book so those in this situation find themselves floundering trying to figure out why they “let” themselves be abused. And that is another problem, no one purposely seeks out an abusive relationship but this author seems to think they do. Often abusers are on their best behavior for the first few weeks, months, years and then escalate when major life changes like buying a house or marriage come into the picture.
Stopping the Abuse is also a very dangerous part as it suggests confronting your abuser head on with this knowledge. This can be both physically and mentally endangering as often times abusers don't care or want to admit their behavior and will take out their anger at the accusal on the victim. This chapter may be more helpful for abusers looking to improve themselves rather than victims looking to stop the abuse. This part does have a nice section on personality disorders though and identifying if the abuser or victim may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder.
Not the best book since it seems to blame the victim for entering the relationship and then advises several unsafe things for them to do. May be good as an identifier for an abusive relationship but not as a cure all. It also has some handy resources for books, websites, etc. in the back although some of the websites are no longer in service.
The Emotionally Abusive Relationship Copyright 2002 255 pages
I recently exited a relationship that had turned emotionally/verbally abusive over a period of time. I still struggle with the fact that I actually alI recently exited a relationship that had turned emotionally/verbally abusive over a period of time. I still struggle with the fact that I actually allowed myself to be in such a relationship and as such have sought out books such as this to validate the fact that what I experienced did really happen. Despite the slight humiliation I have at posting such a review, I feel that if my leaving a review on this book helps anyone with a similar problem find resources to help them, then it is worth it to post this and the other reviews for similar books I've read.
This book is not a good resource for those in or leaving or who have already left a verbally/emotionally abusive relationship. There are several parts to this book and each covers a significant area. Of those, only the 1st and 4th parts have any redeeming qualities. The rest do too much blaming of the victim and seeking something that should not be sought.
Part 1 of this book overviews why the abuser is the way he/she is. It explains their motivations, need for approval, and joy in becoming stronger at another person's expense. It also shows the signs of an abuser and the difference between subtle and outright abusers. This part is actually very helpful because often victims of subtle abuse don't feel like they are really being abused as it isn't as outward or noticeable as being screamed at or hit. It helps validate what you're feeling and stops the doubt you may have in your mind that you're blowing it out of proportion.
Part 2 explores the “secret” of the book which to me was a load of rubbish. It is what they call REBT and the basic jist is that people only feel what they allow themselves to feel. That the abused is often an abuser of themselves because they are allowing their partner's abuse to control their feelings. It even goes so far as to claim that someone can use this technique and be happy in an abusive relationship. My largest problem with this method is that it labels different sets of thinking as “rational” and “irrational”. Since I was often told I was irrational it just opened up the wounds all over for me again.
Part 3 tells you how to use the secret. Once again I found this chapter largely useless because it went through examples of “irrational” and “rational” thought processes for different abusive situations. Again it seemed to hold the victim wholly responsible for how they were feeling. That their abuser couldn't hurt them if they didn't let them. I find this notion false because the reason abusers can hurt their victims is because they care and in caring open themselves up as vulnerable as relationships are two people being complete with each other. If you stop caring and stop being vulnerable, then there really isn't a point to continuing a relationship.
Part 4 details getting past your fear and anxiety. I actually found this part to be half helpful. Sure it had some of the same nonsense of the first few parts, but then it also had rationalizations for feeling terrible about leaving the relationship. It offered significant points on getting over the fact that the partner has found someone new and everything appears to be sunshine and roses. It tells you how you don't need someone to feel complete. And I do think those are worthy messages.
Part 5 talks about taking back your life and beginning to be happy again. But I didn't find anything very useful in those parts as it doesn't really outline a plan that someone who is currently suffering can really use. It just develops a plan for later, after you're feeling better about your situation.
I realize I sound very harsh in this review and I believe it needs to be harsh as the people who are probably looking to buy this book need the best and most thoughtful help they can get. This book is too much hard love for those who are already experiencing blame and harshness in their lives. Instead of empathizing it blames which is something no victim of abuse needs. While it does have some good points, it doesn't make this book worth reading unless you are not a victim of abuse and are reading solely for research purposes. Otherwise, it does have the potential to set someone back in their healing. If you are looking for a book to help heal, try Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and remember that you need to take care of you before anyone else.
The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse Copyright 2000 219 pages
Out of all the books I've been reading on the subject, Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That has probably been the best of them. Its not perfect, but iOut of all the books I've been reading on the subject, Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That has probably been the best of them. Its not perfect, but it helps explain and accurately portrays so much of the physical/emotional/verbal abusers actions. Even if your abuser is not a physical abuser, this book still helps greatly. It should be noted that this book can be helpful for all situations where abuse is involved, even if it isn't an intimate relationship.
As a precursor, this is about abusive men mainly. That's not to say women aren't abusive too, this just doesn't happen to be a book written on that topic. It could also to a smaller extent be applied to lesbian relationships as well.
Bancroft splits it into several parts. The first part covers the nature of abusive thinking and the most helpful part of this section is identifying the types of abusive men. Bancroft takes care to explain that a man may not be one certain type, but rather can be a mix of several. I especially like how he explained the actions of each type. The next section is the Abusive Man in Relationships and it helps explain how the abuse begins, how it effects everyday life, and what happens when you break up. The third part is the Abusive Man in the World and it shows how they interact with the legal system, gain allies to their side, and how they are as parents. The last part of the book is Changing the Abusive Man and don't be fooled by the title. While there are a few rare cases that the abusive man changes, it is not highly likely and this chapter will only be helpful to a few. Bancroft finishes off the book with a listing of resources for people in abusive relationships.
This book was much better than the others because it doesn't focus on blaming the victim. It acknowledges that these abusive actions are never acceptable and tries to explain how it happens and gives validation to those experiencing it. And there are parts that some people can skip over. If you don't have children, the abusers as parents won't be relevant to you. If your abuser fails to see that anything is wrong or blames everything on you, you probably won't find the part on changing the abusive man helpful. And it is ok to skip those sections. This book should be used to focus on the relevant areas to your situation and to help with those.
A compassionate book with a lot of information, this one should be a go to book before all the others on this topic.
I came into work today to find this on my desk, a gift from my boss. Since there have been a lot of changes going on in our department she thought it I came into work today to find this on my desk, a gift from my boss. Since there have been a lot of changes going on in our department she thought it would be good reading for me. I found it very interesting, but sometimes too simplistic. Still, I'm grateful she brought it to my attention.
Our Iceberg is Melting on the surface is just a little fable about a group of penguins living out their life. But the lesson shows how to work with personalities of all types and how to make things happen. This is expressed through Fred, the penguin who found that the iceberg they were living on was no longer safe and had to set out to change the top committee's minds, and also help them express the plans to the others of the community and try to convince everyone that change was good. It elaborated on the teamwork that they used as well.
Each of the penguins was supposed to be a different type of person in this book so they were all very different personality types from one another. They weren't really developed well, you were just told what their attributes were and how they meshed with the other penguins.
There was a good story to this book. But since it was geared towards adults, I found the actual storyline and penguin fable a little too simplistic. It seemed like it could have been written for kindergarteners. I know that it was just too show how easy the concept was, but it made the read so fast and I would have loved to delve more in depth to what the book was saying. It did offer good points on working with people of different types and personalities though which was the main goal of the book. It also showed how to move people to action.
Definitely an interesting read if you're trying to interact with people in the business world, but it could have been developed and expanded on more in my opinion.
I forget how this came to be on my reading list, but when I saw it the other day I picked it up again out of curiosity. It was an interesting book, buI forget how this came to be on my reading list, but when I saw it the other day I picked it up again out of curiosity. It was an interesting book, but more hype than anything.
The Sociopath Next Door explores the possibility of there being sociopaths all over. It tells why they are the way they are, who they could be, and why they do the things they do. The book even goes so far as to say that about 4% of the population is probably sociopathic. That's quite a large number if you think about it. The author also explores what a conscience is and why sociopaths don't appear to have one. Largely the book gives examples of a few sociopaths and their behaviors, and gives some minor details on sociopaths in general.
The book makes a lot of good points on the behaviors to look out for in a sociopath. The problem with it is that I think every person exhibits these behaviors here and there in their life (and I don't think I've just been surrounded by an exorbitant amount of sociopaths in my life). The key is finding a reoccurring pattern. She does make a good point that most sociopaths look like everyone else and to an extent behave like everyone else. Not all can be a Sadaam Hussein and instead we may not ever realize that the person we've been working with possesses no conscience. A scary thought for sure but the majority of sociopaths we come in contact with will have no effect on our lives. Or at least these are the lessons I took from the book.
The chapters are nicely separated and the writing is scientific yet still approachable for the average person. I do think that the book could create some paranoia. While there is a lot of talk about what they do, I really don't think the book is a comprehensive guide for recognizing the sociopath. It also tends to go on and on about the same topics without delving in more deeply in other important areas. There is a lot for instance about the story of one of the sociopaths, but hardly any information on how to avoid these types.
An interesting book for sure but not one that I would base any social actions on. Definitely a good read if you are interested in psychology.
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