What do you think?
Rate this book
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize It and How to Respond
In this fully expanded and updated third edition of the bestselling classic, you learn why verbal abuse is more widespread than ever, and how you can deal with it. You'll get more of the answers you need to recognize abuse when it happens, respond to abusers safely and appropriately, and most important, lead a happier, healthier life.
In two all-new chapters, Evans reveals the Outside Stresses driving the rise in verbal abuse--and shows you how you can mitigate the devastating effects on your relationships. She also outlines the Levels of Abuse that characterize this kind of behavior--from subtle, insidious put-downs that can erode your self-esteem to full-out tantrums of name-calling, screaming, and threatening that can escalate into physical abuse.
Drawing from hundreds of real situations suffered by real people just like you, Evans offers strategies, sample scripts, and action plans designed to help you deal with the abuse--and the abuser.
This timely new edition of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition puts you on the road to recognizing and responding to verbal abuse, one crucial step at a time!
In two all-new chapters, Evans reveals the Outside Stresses driving the rise in verbal abuse--and shows you how you can mitigate the devastating effects on your relationships. She also outlines the Levels of Abuse that characterize this kind of behavior--from subtle, insidious put-downs that can erode your self-esteem to full-out tantrums of name-calling, screaming, and threatening that can escalate into physical abuse.
Drawing from hundreds of real situations suffered by real people just like you, Evans offers strategies, sample scripts, and action plans designed to help you deal with the abuse--and the abuser.
This timely new edition of The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition puts you on the road to recognizing and responding to verbal abuse, one crucial step at a time!
224 pages, Paperback
First published May 1, 1992
About the author
Patricia Evans
61 books94 followersPatricia Evans is the bestselling author of five books, including The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Verbal Abuse Survivors Speak Out, Controlling People, The Verbally Abusive Man: Can He Change? and Victory Over Verbal Abuse. She has appeared on Oprah, CNN, national radio, and in Newsweek and O, The Oprah Magazine. She has spoken to groups throughout the US, Canada, Madrid at the "Commission for the Investigation of Violence Against Women" and in five cities in Australia. Patricia lives in the San Francisco Bay Area.
Librarian note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
Librarian note: There is more than one author in the Goodreads database with this name.
Ratings & Reviews
Friends & Following
Create a free account to discover what your friends think of this book!
Community Reviews
Displaying 1 - 30 of 277 reviews
July 23, 2014
This book blew my mind. It takes so much confusion out of human interactions.
It's one of the maybe 10 books that have actually changed the way I look at all of humanity, as well as my own behavior. The sense of clarity, peace, and empowerment that I got from this book has made it, rather awkwardly, one of my new favorite books.
Me - "I just read an amazing book on Verbally Abusive Relationships! You should totally read this!"
Friend - "Uh, wow, why are you reading a book on that?"
Me - "Um..."
Friend - "And wait, why would I need to read that? I'm not in an abusive relationship!"
Of course, I first read it to learn how to hopefully deal with a particularly crazy-making person (and because it was only 50 cents at a library sale and then had sat on my shelf for a year). But by the end I was just reading it because I was learning so much about humanity as a whole, and understanding dynamics which had always just baffled me.
Wow, we are a bunch of jerks! Turns out we are ALL in verbally abusive relationships, even with ourselves! I defy anyone to read the book and then disagree with that statement.
Probably the biggest thing I took away from this is how insidious and common this pattern of behavior is, and how we're actually taught to ignore, laugh at, and repeat it. We're brainwashed into being uncomfortable with acknowledging it, and we wouldn't really have the vocabulary for it even if we could see it.
This affects EVERYONE, without exception. This book has completely changed the way I view TV shows, dating, flirting, business interactions, friendship, and myself. I seriously think everyone on the planet should read this book, whether they think they're a nice person or a "Good Christian" or not.
That said, the writing can be redundant, and it's a "soft" book, but thoughts are probably only repeated because they really, really need to be emphasized.
If you think it would be too emotionally uncomfortable to read something like this then you especially need to read it.
It's one of the maybe 10 books that have actually changed the way I look at all of humanity, as well as my own behavior. The sense of clarity, peace, and empowerment that I got from this book has made it, rather awkwardly, one of my new favorite books.
Me - "I just read an amazing book on Verbally Abusive Relationships! You should totally read this!"
Friend - "Uh, wow, why are you reading a book on that?"
Me - "Um..."
Friend - "And wait, why would I need to read that? I'm not in an abusive relationship!"
Of course, I first read it to learn how to hopefully deal with a particularly crazy-making person (and because it was only 50 cents at a library sale and then had sat on my shelf for a year). But by the end I was just reading it because I was learning so much about humanity as a whole, and understanding dynamics which had always just baffled me.
Wow, we are a bunch of jerks! Turns out we are ALL in verbally abusive relationships, even with ourselves! I defy anyone to read the book and then disagree with that statement.
Probably the biggest thing I took away from this is how insidious and common this pattern of behavior is, and how we're actually taught to ignore, laugh at, and repeat it. We're brainwashed into being uncomfortable with acknowledging it, and we wouldn't really have the vocabulary for it even if we could see it.
This affects EVERYONE, without exception. This book has completely changed the way I view TV shows, dating, flirting, business interactions, friendship, and myself. I seriously think everyone on the planet should read this book, whether they think they're a nice person or a "Good Christian" or not.
That said, the writing can be redundant, and it's a "soft" book, but thoughts are probably only repeated because they really, really need to be emphasized.
If you think it would be too emotionally uncomfortable to read something like this then you especially need to read it.
March 26, 2014
If you put a frog ina pot of boiling water it will jump out; but if the frog goes into cold water that heats gradually, it will stay in and die.
The same is true for any habitual recipient of verbal abuse. you learn to accept things no person should accept. Ultimately you need to make a choice to leave, unless you have been able to set limits and stop it before then.
This seems so simple when you read about it in a book such as this one, but it is not so easy in practice after you have been wounded.
Anyway, this is a good resource to come to grips with the problem and to gain perspective.
The same is true for any habitual recipient of verbal abuse. you learn to accept things no person should accept. Ultimately you need to make a choice to leave, unless you have been able to set limits and stop it before then.
This seems so simple when you read about it in a book such as this one, but it is not so easy in practice after you have been wounded.
Anyway, this is a good resource to come to grips with the problem and to gain perspective.
April 22, 2024
I have read this amazing book many times, it will help you recognise and get your sanity back if living with verbal abuse, it was this book that opened my eyes in my previous marriage to what was really going on. Highly recommended. I can't rate this book highly enough.
If you are unsure of what verbal abuse is you will know by reading this book. You will learn new ways to respond to the abuse and how to know what is "them" and what is you. Verbal abuse can be subtle sarcastic digs or can be full blown name calling and threats. All of it messes with you, all of it changes you.
Verbal abuse can break a strong woman down until she is an empty shell, it's wrong and it's serious and many women don't know they are with a verbal abuser or realise they are a victim. Grab this book with a pencil and highlighter pen, get a good therapist lined up for support and read to realise that now you can be empowered by knowing what you are dealing with.
Then it's time to say no more to the verbal abuse. You can and will heal from it. Promise. 5 stars for what is in my opinion the best book out there on this topic by far.
::~~~~~~:::::~~~~~:::::~~~~~:::::~~~~~~::
Thanks so much for reading my review!
I hope you enjoyed it, if you did I’d be delighted if you leave me a “like” and I love to read your comments. If you’d like to connect you can follow me or please send me a friend request.
You can also find me on Twitter (X) @bookishcats and on Amazon U.K. where I am a Top 500 Reviewer as Booklover Catlady.
If you are an Author or Publisher and you’d like me to consider reading and reviewing your book(s) please just message me.
If you are unsure of what verbal abuse is you will know by reading this book. You will learn new ways to respond to the abuse and how to know what is "them" and what is you. Verbal abuse can be subtle sarcastic digs or can be full blown name calling and threats. All of it messes with you, all of it changes you.
Verbal abuse can break a strong woman down until she is an empty shell, it's wrong and it's serious and many women don't know they are with a verbal abuser or realise they are a victim. Grab this book with a pencil and highlighter pen, get a good therapist lined up for support and read to realise that now you can be empowered by knowing what you are dealing with.
Then it's time to say no more to the verbal abuse. You can and will heal from it. Promise. 5 stars for what is in my opinion the best book out there on this topic by far.
::~~~~~~:::::~~~~~:::::~~~~~:::::~~~~~~::
Thanks so much for reading my review!
I hope you enjoyed it, if you did I’d be delighted if you leave me a “like” and I love to read your comments. If you’d like to connect you can follow me or please send me a friend request.
You can also find me on Twitter (X) @bookishcats and on Amazon U.K. where I am a Top 500 Reviewer as Booklover Catlady.
If you are an Author or Publisher and you’d like me to consider reading and reviewing your book(s) please just message me.
December 14, 2010
Patricia Evans did an outstanding job on the "How to Recognize" part of this book, however the rest of the book is terribly inadequate. Ms. Evans based this book on 40 interviews that she had with women who had been verbally abused by men. I wish that she would've stated this in the title or subtitle. I was turned off by the fact that she totally fails to recognize the fact that woman can be just as verbally abusive as men.
Another thing that bothers me is that Evans is not a psychologist which really make me wonder if she's even qualified to write a book like this. This becomes quite evident when you get to the part of the book where she's supposed to be explaining to the reader how to respond to verbal abuse. "Stop it! Just stop it right now!" or "Cut it out!" Really? That's all it takes? She doesn't even warn the reader that when you've been in a verbally abusive relationship for a long time and the abuser is used to having all the power and you suddenly start sticking up for yourself the abuser is not going to give up his power without a fight and things will get harder before it gets better, he may even get violent. To me this is a very important point that really should be included in a book like this.
So basically, if you're a woman and you suspect you may be in a verbally abusive relationship or if you have a friend (who's a woman) that you're concerned about and you want to know how to recognize the subtleties of verbal abuse than this is the book for you. However, if you'd like any other information on this topic I would recommend trying another source.
Another thing that bothers me is that Evans is not a psychologist which really make me wonder if she's even qualified to write a book like this. This becomes quite evident when you get to the part of the book where she's supposed to be explaining to the reader how to respond to verbal abuse. "Stop it! Just stop it right now!" or "Cut it out!" Really? That's all it takes? She doesn't even warn the reader that when you've been in a verbally abusive relationship for a long time and the abuser is used to having all the power and you suddenly start sticking up for yourself the abuser is not going to give up his power without a fight and things will get harder before it gets better, he may even get violent. To me this is a very important point that really should be included in a book like this.
So basically, if you're a woman and you suspect you may be in a verbally abusive relationship or if you have a friend (who's a woman) that you're concerned about and you want to know how to recognize the subtleties of verbal abuse than this is the book for you. However, if you'd like any other information on this topic I would recommend trying another source.
December 18, 2019
Ez a könyv segít felismerni, azonosítani és megállítani a szóbeli bántalmazást. Nem találkoztam még másik könyvvel a témában. Olvasd el! Ha nem érint, abban segít, hogy több empátiával fordulj azok felé, akiket igen. (És olvasás után nyomd a kezükbe, hadd döbbenjenek rá végre, mi történik velük.)
Ha érint: Nem vagy túl érzékeny. Nem akarod mindenbe belelátni a bántást, nem marad abba, ha jobban elmagyarázod, hogy értetted, nem érdekes, hogy félreértettél-e valamit, nem számít, ha hülye is vagy (nem vagy az!), semmi sem indokolja, semmi sem menti fel a szóbeli erőszakot. Nem a te hibád. (Tudom, hogy elcsépelt, de igaz.) Nem azért érzed, hogy bántottak, mert túlérzékeny vagy, hanem mert bántottak. Ha derült égből rendszeresen a kétségbeesésbe kergetnek, ha keresed az okokat, hogy mit tettél, amiért ez történt, de csak összezavarodsz, ha megtámadva érzed magad, ha megfélemlítve, ha keresztülnéznek rajtad, ha lekezelnek, ha gúnyolódnak (nincs „nem érted a viccet”! Ami bántó, megalázó, az nem vicc!), akkor szóbeli erőszak elszenvedője vagy. Olvasd el a könyvet, és ha felismerted a tapasztalataidat, kérj segítséget! Tudd, hogy nem csak nő lehet áldozat és nem csak férfi a bántalmazó! Olvasd így, lásd még Aigi értékelését és az alatta kialakult beszélgetést (a molyon).
Az, hogy valaki gyerekként mit látott, mit kapott vagy nem kapott a szüleitől, magyarázat lehet, de mentség nem. Felnőtt ember felelős a saját tetteiért. Akkor is, ha nehéz felismerni, és ha még nehezebb változtatni, megtörni a kört.
A legfontosabb: a könyvben konkrét javaslatok is vannak. Mondatok, hozzáállás, amelyekkel az aktuális támadás megállítható, az erőszak eszkalálódása (aktuálisan) fékezhető. Hosszabb távon viszont kelleni fog a külső segítség a változáshoz. A könyv szerint a „sikertelen támadás” miatt és ha nem próbálják megállítani, egyszerűen csak az idő előrehaladtával is fokozódhat az erőszak, sőt, fizikai bántalmazássá fajulhat, tessék figyelni a jelekre! Nincs olyan, hogy ez „csak” szóbeli bántalmazás. Az erőszak az erőszak, meg kell szüntetni. Pont.
Ha érint: Nem vagy túl érzékeny. Nem akarod mindenbe belelátni a bántást, nem marad abba, ha jobban elmagyarázod, hogy értetted, nem érdekes, hogy félreértettél-e valamit, nem számít, ha hülye is vagy (nem vagy az!), semmi sem indokolja, semmi sem menti fel a szóbeli erőszakot. Nem a te hibád. (Tudom, hogy elcsépelt, de igaz.) Nem azért érzed, hogy bántottak, mert túlérzékeny vagy, hanem mert bántottak. Ha derült égből rendszeresen a kétségbeesésbe kergetnek, ha keresed az okokat, hogy mit tettél, amiért ez történt, de csak összezavarodsz, ha megtámadva érzed magad, ha megfélemlítve, ha keresztülnéznek rajtad, ha lekezelnek, ha gúnyolódnak (nincs „nem érted a viccet”! Ami bántó, megalázó, az nem vicc!), akkor szóbeli erőszak elszenvedője vagy. Olvasd el a könyvet, és ha felismerted a tapasztalataidat, kérj segítséget! Tudd, hogy nem csak nő lehet áldozat és nem csak férfi a bántalmazó! Olvasd így, lásd még Aigi értékelését és az alatta kialakult beszélgetést (a molyon).
Az, hogy valaki gyerekként mit látott, mit kapott vagy nem kapott a szüleitől, magyarázat lehet, de mentség nem. Felnőtt ember felelős a saját tetteiért. Akkor is, ha nehéz felismerni, és ha még nehezebb változtatni, megtörni a kört.
A legfontosabb: a könyvben konkrét javaslatok is vannak. Mondatok, hozzáállás, amelyekkel az aktuális támadás megállítható, az erőszak eszkalálódása (aktuálisan) fékezhető. Hosszabb távon viszont kelleni fog a külső segítség a változáshoz. A könyv szerint a „sikertelen támadás” miatt és ha nem próbálják megállítani, egyszerűen csak az idő előrehaladtával is fokozódhat az erőszak, sőt, fizikai bántalmazássá fajulhat, tessék figyelni a jelekre! Nincs olyan, hogy ez „csak” szóbeli bántalmazás. Az erőszak az erőszak, meg kell szüntetni. Pont.
October 17, 2014
First off, let me start by saying that I'm a guy. I had a time in my life where I became someone I didn't want to be. I somehow lost my way, and I was becoming the "verbal abuser" described in this book until I realized that I was turning into a monster and changed all of that. Knowing if you're in an abusive relationship is extremely hard, especially since there are usually no witnesses to the abusive behavior. I can tell you from experience that everything Patricia Evans says about "verbal abusers" is completely true and she does a wonderful job explaining it. I've seen reviews from guys where they say that the book is a whole bunch of dangerous lies. Just like the author says, these "abusers" try to mitigate anything that shows them as an abuser. This is why you see such reviews. Unfortunately, not everyone has seen the error of his/her ways like I have.
This book is extremely informative. It not only allows you to diagnose your partner to see if he/she is abusive, but it also explains why, how come and shows basically every scenario possible so all your questions are answered. For any of you that even THINK you may be in an abusive relationship, guy or girl, I strongly suggest this book. After all, 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. This book probably saved my friend's life because she was that 1 out of 3 and it just pained me to see her so helpless. I owe the author so much just for that. I now recommend this book to anyone that has problems with abuse. Thank you so much, Patricia Evans.
This book is extremely informative. It not only allows you to diagnose your partner to see if he/she is abusive, but it also explains why, how come and shows basically every scenario possible so all your questions are answered. For any of you that even THINK you may be in an abusive relationship, guy or girl, I strongly suggest this book. After all, 1 out of 3 women around the world has been beaten, coerced into sex or otherwise abused during her lifetime. This book probably saved my friend's life because she was that 1 out of 3 and it just pained me to see her so helpless. I owe the author so much just for that. I now recommend this book to anyone that has problems with abuse. Thank you so much, Patricia Evans.
February 29, 2008
This review is taken from my blog at http://blog.geekuniverse.org/2008/02/.... I apologize if there are any places where the formatting didn't transfer.
This entry will be more of a story than a real book review.
I've been fascinated for a long time by the subject of verbal & emotional abuse. I call it "white collar" abuse. Like white collar crime is harder to detect and a bit more sophisticated than knocking an old lady on the head with a beer bottle. What I call "white collar abuse" is abuse that is quietly and secretly rampant in all levels of society but more generally accepted--even encouraged in some circles. It is what my aunt calls "The Invisible Heartbreaker" in an article that she wrote for the Ensign magazine. I love that article.
So that's why I picked up "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." It sounded kinda interesting and I thought it might have some pointers on good communication skills. (Yes, I majored in "Communications" but it was Mass Media, and not interpersonal...) And the book was really cheap. Bada bing bada boom. Done deal.
I was totally unprepared for what happened while I read it. For months, I had been feeling a growing level of anxiety. I was reluctantly ready to get medicated to deal with the problem, but after reading this book and another one about verbal & emotional abuse (I'll do that review shortly), my anxiety melted away to a reasonable level.
As I read the examples and stories in this book, I suddenly realized that I've been a vulnerable target for verbal abuse for years! I put the pieces together and saw a pattern of what had happened on a social level and even on a professional level. More importantly, I realized an important truth: IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.
Sure, I'm not the easiest person to deal with at times. But I have never deserved to be treated the way people have treated me. Nobody deserves that. I have no desire to rehash the details of what has happened to me, but I will admit that it has made this grown woman sob for hours. It has made me feel that I had nothing to offer anybody--and that I had no intrinsic worth. It made me question for sanity. It made me question why God had created me and why he hadn't struck me dead yet.
What I'm saying is: verbal abuse is serious stuff and it was causing serious problems in my life. I can't overestimate how serious this kind of abuse is. This book helped me to get my head out of the mud and see some important truths. Most importantly, knowing that there wasn't something inherently wrong with me changed my life. My anxiety is slowly disappearing and I am learning to actually enjoy life more.
Now, to the nitty gritty: this book was a good starting point, but it could NOT stand on its' own. It focused way too much energy on villainizing "abusers." I have a personal theory that the same things create abusers and victims--some go one way, some go the other, and a whole lot of them go both ways in different relationships.
Patricia Evans spent a lot of energy saying that most abusers cannot and will not change because they are fundamentally bad. My religious sentiments reject that completely. It's comforting to a victim of verbal abuse to feel like they are completely innocent while that other person is the bad guy. I don't buy it. Every person is complex and difficult to understand. Best to leave it at that.
Another important point is that this book is extremely sexist. She has one line saying that she's just using men as an example, although men or women can be verbally abusive. That one line doesn't erase the fact that the rest of the book is man-bashing and discriminatory. Just my opinion. I foresee fewer men than women ever giving this book much respect.
Also, this book was really repetitive. I think it could have been half as long and explained the fundamental ideas fully. That wouldn't have sold as well, however. So you gotta do what you gotta do, eh? I would encourage anybody who wants to read this book to do so with a VERY open mind, trying to decide for themself what is true and what is trite. I found some basic truths but they were wedged in with a bunch of junk, in my opinion.
Still, I'm grateful for what I learned and how it started me on a very healthy pathway. So I recommend it to others--with caveats firmly in place.
Next up in my line of reviews: "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship," "Codependent No More" and "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better."
This entry will be more of a story than a real book review.
I've been fascinated for a long time by the subject of verbal & emotional abuse. I call it "white collar" abuse. Like white collar crime is harder to detect and a bit more sophisticated than knocking an old lady on the head with a beer bottle. What I call "white collar abuse" is abuse that is quietly and secretly rampant in all levels of society but more generally accepted--even encouraged in some circles. It is what my aunt calls "The Invisible Heartbreaker" in an article that she wrote for the Ensign magazine. I love that article.
So that's why I picked up "The Verbally Abusive Relationship." It sounded kinda interesting and I thought it might have some pointers on good communication skills. (Yes, I majored in "Communications" but it was Mass Media, and not interpersonal...) And the book was really cheap. Bada bing bada boom. Done deal.
I was totally unprepared for what happened while I read it. For months, I had been feeling a growing level of anxiety. I was reluctantly ready to get medicated to deal with the problem, but after reading this book and another one about verbal & emotional abuse (I'll do that review shortly), my anxiety melted away to a reasonable level.
As I read the examples and stories in this book, I suddenly realized that I've been a vulnerable target for verbal abuse for years! I put the pieces together and saw a pattern of what had happened on a social level and even on a professional level. More importantly, I realized an important truth: IT WAS NOT MY FAULT.
Sure, I'm not the easiest person to deal with at times. But I have never deserved to be treated the way people have treated me. Nobody deserves that. I have no desire to rehash the details of what has happened to me, but I will admit that it has made this grown woman sob for hours. It has made me feel that I had nothing to offer anybody--and that I had no intrinsic worth. It made me question for sanity. It made me question why God had created me and why he hadn't struck me dead yet.
What I'm saying is: verbal abuse is serious stuff and it was causing serious problems in my life. I can't overestimate how serious this kind of abuse is. This book helped me to get my head out of the mud and see some important truths. Most importantly, knowing that there wasn't something inherently wrong with me changed my life. My anxiety is slowly disappearing and I am learning to actually enjoy life more.
Now, to the nitty gritty: this book was a good starting point, but it could NOT stand on its' own. It focused way too much energy on villainizing "abusers." I have a personal theory that the same things create abusers and victims--some go one way, some go the other, and a whole lot of them go both ways in different relationships.
Patricia Evans spent a lot of energy saying that most abusers cannot and will not change because they are fundamentally bad. My religious sentiments reject that completely. It's comforting to a victim of verbal abuse to feel like they are completely innocent while that other person is the bad guy. I don't buy it. Every person is complex and difficult to understand. Best to leave it at that.
Another important point is that this book is extremely sexist. She has one line saying that she's just using men as an example, although men or women can be verbally abusive. That one line doesn't erase the fact that the rest of the book is man-bashing and discriminatory. Just my opinion. I foresee fewer men than women ever giving this book much respect.
Also, this book was really repetitive. I think it could have been half as long and explained the fundamental ideas fully. That wouldn't have sold as well, however. So you gotta do what you gotta do, eh? I would encourage anybody who wants to read this book to do so with a VERY open mind, trying to decide for themself what is true and what is trite. I found some basic truths but they were wedged in with a bunch of junk, in my opinion.
Still, I'm grateful for what I learned and how it started me on a very healthy pathway. So I recommend it to others--with caveats firmly in place.
Next up in my line of reviews: "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship," "Codependent No More" and "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better."
October 4, 2016
Brilliant, fascinating and probably of use to most people.
I found this easier to read than the other book I'd read by Evans—I think because the other one introduced so much new terminology and had to do with the complex concept of internalisation. This book is more straightforward and empowering and outlines a number of essential concepts that we don't normally consider, such as what are reasonable demands for an adult relationship, when are we right to ignore someone's insistence that we are overreacting, what is reasonable to demand of our homes and workplaces—you never need to sit around and hear someone's disgusting story, for example, whereas most people would grin and bear such a thing: I know I have for most of my adult life!
I think most people must undoubtedly be on the receiving end of verbal abuse and that most don't know it either. Regardless, I think this book empowers people to want more for themselves and to be better citizens, and what more could you ask of a text?!
I found this easier to read than the other book I'd read by Evans—I think because the other one introduced so much new terminology and had to do with the complex concept of internalisation. This book is more straightforward and empowering and outlines a number of essential concepts that we don't normally consider, such as what are reasonable demands for an adult relationship, when are we right to ignore someone's insistence that we are overreacting, what is reasonable to demand of our homes and workplaces—you never need to sit around and hear someone's disgusting story, for example, whereas most people would grin and bear such a thing: I know I have for most of my adult life!
I think most people must undoubtedly be on the receiving end of verbal abuse and that most don't know it either. Regardless, I think this book empowers people to want more for themselves and to be better citizens, and what more could you ask of a text?!
February 27, 2011
This was my non-fiction for February. After reading The Gift of Fear last year, it was an interesting to follow up with another look at abuse and violence. Even as much as I read, it can be very difficult for me to understand why people let themselves stay in abusive relationships for as long as they do, but one thing I really appreciated about this book was the way it described all the different types of verbal abuse - some of which I wouldn't have considered abusive at all, but maybe just frustrating or annoying. It's interesting to see how they can really be more than that if you look at the consequences (stealing straight out of the book here):
1. A distrust of her spontaneity.
2. A loss of enthusiasm.
3. A prepared, on-guard state.
4. An uncertainty about how she is coming across.
5. A concern that something is wrong with her.
6. An inclination to soul-searching and reviewing incidents with the hope of determining what went wrong.
7. A loss of self-confidence.
8. A growing self-doubt.
9. An internalized "critical voice."
10. A concern that she isn't happier and ought to be.
11. An anxiety or fear of being crazy.
12. A sense that time is passing and she's missing something.
13. A desire not to be the way she is - "too sensitive," etc.
14. A hesitancy to accept her perceptions.
15. A reluctance to come to conclusions.
16. A desire to escape or run away.
17. A belief that what she does best may be what she does worst.
18. A tendency to live in the future - "Everything will be great when / after..."
19. A distrust of future relationships.
Some of these "symptoms" I've felt before - not with regards to my relationship, but when dealing with depression related to my mother's passing. But when dealing with grief, eventually (I hope, anyway) you accept and learn to move on with life. I can't imagine thinking that you would have to live like this permanently or for the long term. It's sad and scary.
The one thing I wish that the book had gone more in depth with (which I do think is addressed on Evans' website and in other books) is abuse in situations outside of romantic relationships. She touched on the impacts of a verbally abusive parent, but I would be interested in reading more about that kind of abuse, as well as abuse in the workplace, or teacher/coach/mentor-to-student, peer-to-peer, etc. I think these kinds of things are patterns, and I think they likely start when people are young. I'd be interested in seeing how these cycles begin, and even how educators can help to counter them.
1. A distrust of her spontaneity.
2. A loss of enthusiasm.
3. A prepared, on-guard state.
4. An uncertainty about how she is coming across.
5. A concern that something is wrong with her.
6. An inclination to soul-searching and reviewing incidents with the hope of determining what went wrong.
7. A loss of self-confidence.
8. A growing self-doubt.
9. An internalized "critical voice."
10. A concern that she isn't happier and ought to be.
11. An anxiety or fear of being crazy.
12. A sense that time is passing and she's missing something.
13. A desire not to be the way she is - "too sensitive," etc.
14. A hesitancy to accept her perceptions.
15. A reluctance to come to conclusions.
16. A desire to escape or run away.
17. A belief that what she does best may be what she does worst.
18. A tendency to live in the future - "Everything will be great when / after..."
19. A distrust of future relationships.
Some of these "symptoms" I've felt before - not with regards to my relationship, but when dealing with depression related to my mother's passing. But when dealing with grief, eventually (I hope, anyway) you accept and learn to move on with life. I can't imagine thinking that you would have to live like this permanently or for the long term. It's sad and scary.
The one thing I wish that the book had gone more in depth with (which I do think is addressed on Evans' website and in other books) is abuse in situations outside of romantic relationships. She touched on the impacts of a verbally abusive parent, but I would be interested in reading more about that kind of abuse, as well as abuse in the workplace, or teacher/coach/mentor-to-student, peer-to-peer, etc. I think these kinds of things are patterns, and I think they likely start when people are young. I'd be interested in seeing how these cycles begin, and even how educators can help to counter them.
April 25, 2012
Although the main focus of this book is on couples, it is also extremely useful regarding friends, family, colleagues.
December 2, 2011
I think that everyone should read this book. It helped me to realize some of the very non obvious forms of verbal abuse. There are so many things that happened to me that I never would have thought or considered verbal abuse until I read this book and was better able to understand my own circumstance. This book has helped me to understand myself better, my situation better, and to move forward with my life. The reason I think everyone should read this book is because it defines the many facets of verbal abuse that many people deal with every day without even realizing it. I think there is also invaluable information in this book about raising children to recognize verbal abuse and helping to validate their feelings and reality as well. I also think that abusers don't realize they are abusing. I find myself now choosing my words very carefully so as not to inadvertently manipulate someone. I also listen very closely to the things other people say to me to always try and keep aware of verbal abuse. Since reading this book I have also found that this type of abuse is extremely common. Many people have seen me reading it and made comments about their own experiences. It's just a shame that it took me so long to recognize mine, and in fact I wouldn't have had it not been for a friend saying "HEY! That sounds like verbal abuse! I heard of this book that I think you should read." I believe that this book is an invaluable resource for everyone and I took many notes that I will be keeping on file on my computer to review from time to time to keep my mind on the right track. I want to keep improving my life and myself, and avoiding those who seek power over me. This book is just one of the things that has helped me start working towards that goal.
October 11, 2011
This was one of the better books I've read on the subject. It offers clear insight into the problems of mentally/verbally abusive relationships without adopting the “blame the victim” mentality so many of the other books had. For someone struggling with their decisions already, those types of books only make things worse. Although, this book, like the others, has suggestions for how to make things work with your abuser which doesn't help either if they don't want to pursue it. It just makes you feel like you didn't do enough if other people had agreed to recognize what was going on but your partner wouldn't. This book could also be potentially useful for those in abusive situations that aren't intimate relationships as well.
The first part of the book helps you to evaluate your own experience and whether or not your relationship contained verbal abuse. It also focused on what the author calls the two types of power and why one of them isn't healthy. It explores these powers and how people use them within the relationship. Most importantly, this chapter focuses on the consequences of the abuse. Part two goes more into depth on the different types of verbal abuse and trying to change it. There are also sections discussing therapists and children in the relationship.
I found this book helpful when it talked about recognizing the signs of abuse. Often victims of abuse don't trust their own judgment after being talked down to so long that they can't personally see whats happening to them. This book helps provide a checklist for validating the experiences. Also, if you are still in the relationship, it does give a couple tips for trying to make the abuser see the light so to speak and get help. The problem with this is that for people who have already left the relationship or who's partners won't recognize that they need help, this part is rather useless and instead makes the abused feel worse as they think there was more they could have done, when really they couldn't.
There are good and bad books out there and I would rate this as one of the better ones. It still won't meet everyones needs but hopefully can help some people.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
Copyright 1992
217 pages
Review by M. Reynard 2011
The first part of the book helps you to evaluate your own experience and whether or not your relationship contained verbal abuse. It also focused on what the author calls the two types of power and why one of them isn't healthy. It explores these powers and how people use them within the relationship. Most importantly, this chapter focuses on the consequences of the abuse. Part two goes more into depth on the different types of verbal abuse and trying to change it. There are also sections discussing therapists and children in the relationship.
I found this book helpful when it talked about recognizing the signs of abuse. Often victims of abuse don't trust their own judgment after being talked down to so long that they can't personally see whats happening to them. This book helps provide a checklist for validating the experiences. Also, if you are still in the relationship, it does give a couple tips for trying to make the abuser see the light so to speak and get help. The problem with this is that for people who have already left the relationship or who's partners won't recognize that they need help, this part is rather useless and instead makes the abused feel worse as they think there was more they could have done, when really they couldn't.
There are good and bad books out there and I would rate this as one of the better ones. It still won't meet everyones needs but hopefully can help some people.
The Verbally Abusive Relationship
Copyright 1992
217 pages
Review by M. Reynard 2011
October 19, 2022
Does a good job of showing what verbal abuse is and how you can recognize it. If it stopped there I would give it a far better score. Instead it "explains" the motivation behind abuse with ONE explanation for every case of abuse ever. I sincerely believe that the absurdly oversimplified black and white victim and perpetrator world view that this books pushes at you with virtually every single sentence is profoundly dangerous and destructive rather than helpful and constructive. If you have suffered from verbal or emotional abuse, and you buy into this book's world view, you will likely feel totally vindicated. But you will, in my opinion, not have learned anything useful in terms of understanding actual human beings and what drives them.
Quite the opposite, if you believe what this book pushes you are very likely to use emotionally abusive tactics yourself, or more likely, remain oblivious to the fact that virtually everyone does occasionally use abusive language. That they do so for a plethora of different reasons, both conscious and subconscious. And that almost certainly this includes you. (No I'm not equating you to someone perpetrating serious abuse. That is the absurd black and white perspective this book pushes speaking, not me.)
For non-cartoon understanding of abuse you would do infinitely better to read Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
For practically useful understanding of yourself and human relationships, emotions and behavior in general you would do well with authors like: Brene Brown, Harriet Lerner and John M. Gottman
Quite the opposite, if you believe what this book pushes you are very likely to use emotionally abusive tactics yourself, or more likely, remain oblivious to the fact that virtually everyone does occasionally use abusive language. That they do so for a plethora of different reasons, both conscious and subconscious. And that almost certainly this includes you. (No I'm not equating you to someone perpetrating serious abuse. That is the absurd black and white perspective this book pushes speaking, not me.)
For non-cartoon understanding of abuse you would do infinitely better to read Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You and Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
For practically useful understanding of yourself and human relationships, emotions and behavior in general you would do well with authors like: Brene Brown, Harriet Lerner and John M. Gottman
November 30, 2009
To sum this up:
1) If your relationship with someone is not absolutely wonderful then the man is an abuser.
2) If the woman saying “stop” does not immediately fix the issue and turn it into a wonderful relationship then the end the relationship.
This book was a slow read for me and I ended up needing to renew the library book two or three times to give myself time to finish it. Part of what slowed it down for me is the book is very detailed. There are many lists with 10 to over 20 items each. I was struggling with why some of these were separate items as they seemed redundant. One possibility that came to mind is the author was taking a shotgun approach in that a reader may say to herself “that item fits me perfectly” and rejecting other items simply as they did not fit as well.
I also felt that far too little attention was given to how to respond to abuse. The first 125 pages are about the problems it causes, recognition, etc. There’s a 20 page section on responding, and then it’s on to recovery and looking back. I also disagreed with the response that was advocated which is to just say “stop” and to walk away if the person does not immediately stop. Maybe that would work if the abuser was simply unaware of how an innocent remark was being interpreted.
I do feel the book would be value to someone who is currently, or was involved, in an abusive relationship. He or she can use those lists to identify things that are or have been wrong. I feel that recognition is a huge part of the battle. It will also help in that victim will understand that he or she is not alone.
The book was of value to me in that it made me more aware of potential interpretations and impact of what I say.
This is the type of book that needs to be re-read several times. There’s a lot of detail and a person is likely to start skimming over spots as it seems repetitive or non applicible.
1) If your relationship with someone is not absolutely wonderful then the man is an abuser.
2) If the woman saying “stop” does not immediately fix the issue and turn it into a wonderful relationship then the end the relationship.
This book was a slow read for me and I ended up needing to renew the library book two or three times to give myself time to finish it. Part of what slowed it down for me is the book is very detailed. There are many lists with 10 to over 20 items each. I was struggling with why some of these were separate items as they seemed redundant. One possibility that came to mind is the author was taking a shotgun approach in that a reader may say to herself “that item fits me perfectly” and rejecting other items simply as they did not fit as well.
I also felt that far too little attention was given to how to respond to abuse. The first 125 pages are about the problems it causes, recognition, etc. There’s a 20 page section on responding, and then it’s on to recovery and looking back. I also disagreed with the response that was advocated which is to just say “stop” and to walk away if the person does not immediately stop. Maybe that would work if the abuser was simply unaware of how an innocent remark was being interpreted.
I do feel the book would be value to someone who is currently, or was involved, in an abusive relationship. He or she can use those lists to identify things that are or have been wrong. I feel that recognition is a huge part of the battle. It will also help in that victim will understand that he or she is not alone.
The book was of value to me in that it made me more aware of potential interpretations and impact of what I say.
This is the type of book that needs to be re-read several times. There’s a lot of detail and a person is likely to start skimming over spots as it seems repetitive or non applicible.
Read
August 20, 2013I learned a lot about myself for sure, but honestly, my biggest take away from this book: as someone looking to understand potentially abusive behaviors they exhibit, and looking to change them, I feel thoroughly verbally abused by this book, by her own definitions. I can't count how many times it was repeated that I was unlikely to change, out of control, would only get worse, lived in a false and different reality, am incapable of empathy, on and on and on. I'm not sure the fact that it wasn't *targeted* at me, and is targeted at victims, makes any difference - even I weren't to read this, it provides the language to someone else to do this to me. Fight fire with fire? ESPECIALLY since it consistently acknowledges that perpetrators of these types of things are pretty consistently victims of those same things in the past.
I'm glad I read it. I needed to understand it more. Unnecessarily brutal though, if you're a me. Seriously undermined my confidence that I can be an empathetic person.
I'm glad I read it. I needed to understand it more. Unnecessarily brutal though, if you're a me. Seriously undermined my confidence that I can be an empathetic person.
February 5, 2014
This book was a godsend to me when I picked it up at Goodwill for 50 cents. It helped me free myself from an extremely unhealthy and abusive relationship with my mother. I also read passages of it to my dad, who has been divorced from her for years but is still working through his own trauma from his marriage and his childhood. My aunt just happened to also have a copy of it and it led to a very eye opening discussion between me, her and my dad where I learned about her own abusive husband and how their parents brought them up in a very emotionally toxic environment. This book should be required reading in high school because of how empowering it would be to so many people.
April 20, 2013
Saved. My. Life.
Seems a bit dramatic, i know, but it helped me to understand that most abuse isn't the kind you can see. I left a relationship that was bad on both sides because of it. So a gigantic thanks to the author.
Seems a bit dramatic, i know, but it helped me to understand that most abuse isn't the kind you can see. I left a relationship that was bad on both sides because of it. So a gigantic thanks to the author.
June 13, 2008
This book is a powerhouse. It covers, in highly relateable terms, every imaginable scenario of abuse that DOESN'T involve physical abuse. "Verbal Abuse" is an unfortunate term with which we are stuck. Unfortunate because non-physical abuse is most often much more than name-calling or yelling at someone. It ranges from controlling behavior, manipulation, oppression, degradation, all the way to emotional terrorism. You will learn how to recognize abusive behavior, whether in yourself (sometimes a suprise), or others.
Very empowering.
Very empowering.
August 17, 2008
I have recommended this book dozens of times since purchasing it a decade ago. When my mom gave me just one chapter to read, I found myself on the way to healing. It made so much sense. Now I know what to look for when people try to play mind games, or try to manipulate a rational person with irrational tactics. I cut them out of my life! I'd give it ten stars if I could.
recommended for women who are losing self-confidence from the way their husbands treat them. Anyone experiencing abuse from anyone else, doesn't have to be husband/wife. Friends abuse friends! It's all about power.
recommended for women who are losing self-confidence from the way their husbands treat them. Anyone experiencing abuse from anyone else, doesn't have to be husband/wife. Friends abuse friends! It's all about power.
September 1, 2016
So, verbal abuse is a gender issue because, as with rape, it is nearly always the male wanting to dominate the female. It is about control and keeping the female in a subordinate position.
Updating my counselling skills training which was based on the problems being a 50/50 fault. No wonder is does not work in the case of verbal abuse. This has spurred me on to read more 'up to date' books in the 'gender studies' genre. 4 rather than 5 stars because of the waffling style with too much case history.
Updating my counselling skills training which was based on the problems being a 50/50 fault. No wonder is does not work in the case of verbal abuse. This has spurred me on to read more 'up to date' books in the 'gender studies' genre. 4 rather than 5 stars because of the waffling style with too much case history.
August 26, 2017
This book gave me a great deal of clarity on what is going on when one is in an abusive relationship. It has also helped me cope with casual and social networking encounters that are abusive. This book is already changing my life, where I had been a narcissist magnet. I reject the patriarchy, and its female enablers, now that I see it clearly. It is true that cultural elements factor strongly in patriarchal abuse of children and women.
June 24, 2018
I thought it was too repetitive and not particularly helpful. I doubt saying 'cut it out' or 'stop it' will actually change a relationship into a more balanced one, particularly if the person abusing their power escalates their behaviour. I guess it might be validating for those experiencing family/interpersonal violence to know that what they are experiencing is abusive, but I think there are better books out there to do that.
January 10, 2010
My father was verbally very abusive when I grew up. He still is everytime I see him. This book helped me understand better what was going on. I felt empowered reading it, learning that it was not something wrong with me and that my feelings and reactions to the horrible situations that I have been subject to was accurate and healthy.
February 8, 2010
Enlightening. It explained my own experience and my responses to that experience. I recommend the book to anyone who has been through it, wonders if they are going through it, or knows someone who is.
January 17, 2024
unexpectedly enlightening. helps to see more clearly the everyday violence in our lives.
I didn't like to find the story about the slow boiling of a frog in the text. this story is a stupid, wrong and violent metaphor that needs to stop spreading. it doesn't belong anywhere, but especially not in a book that teaches you to spot violence.
presenting hitler as an example seemed odd.
recommended reading.
I didn't like to find the story about the slow boiling of a frog in the text. this story is a stupid, wrong and violent metaphor that needs to stop spreading. it doesn't belong anywhere, but especially not in a book that teaches you to spot violence.
presenting hitler as an example seemed odd.
recommended reading.
August 22, 2023
This book, although oftentimes repetitive (and likely intentionally so to really let the points settle) is a valuable read and one that I would probably recommend to anyone. Though I came in looking more for dynamics between parent and child, a lot of the content is very informational and helpful for any type of relationship (romantic, friends, parent & child, etc)
I also loved the use of analogies
I also loved the use of analogies
December 13, 2011
If you believe that you have ever been verbally abused or even if you want to read more about it, I would recommend this book to you. Usually when you think of abuse, you think of physical abuse. Verbal abuse does not leave visible scars, but the emotional scars that it leaves are hard to heal.
Sometimes we go along in life and think that we have to just go along with whatever life hands us. Even if you get into a relationship that is verbally abusive, you may not even realize it. Read this book to find out what it really means and what you can do.
Do you know that:
Verbal abusers have been known to say:
I love you
No one could love you as much as I do.
I’d never leave you.
I’d never do anything to hurt you.
I just want you to be happy.
(14% in kindle)
You can be so focused living on pins and needles all the time that you are afraid to cause any ripples. Living in this kind of relationship is not easy, but until you realize what is going on and make a change, your life is not going to change. The only way things are going to change is if you step up and change them. The abuser may be so used to this way of life that they might not even think anything of the way they are acting either. They are so used to putting you down and being in control, that it’s going to take a wake up call for anything to change. Also, the abuser may turn to other things in order to deal with situations which can make everything that much worse.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!! You are the master of your own life. Sometimes it may be necessary for you to get all the courage together that you can and leave this relationship. Nobody deserves to be abused. It will not be easy. Seek comfort in your friends because they will be there for you.
Who knows, the abuser just may wake up and make their life better. They may even thank you for the wakeup call.
Sometimes we go along in life and think that we have to just go along with whatever life hands us. Even if you get into a relationship that is verbally abusive, you may not even realize it. Read this book to find out what it really means and what you can do.
Do you know that:
Verbal abusers have been known to say:
I love you
No one could love you as much as I do.
I’d never leave you.
I’d never do anything to hurt you.
I just want you to be happy.
(14% in kindle)
You can be so focused living on pins and needles all the time that you are afraid to cause any ripples. Living in this kind of relationship is not easy, but until you realize what is going on and make a change, your life is not going to change. The only way things are going to change is if you step up and change them. The abuser may be so used to this way of life that they might not even think anything of the way they are acting either. They are so used to putting you down and being in control, that it’s going to take a wake up call for anything to change. Also, the abuser may turn to other things in order to deal with situations which can make everything that much worse.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO LIVE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!! You are the master of your own life. Sometimes it may be necessary for you to get all the courage together that you can and leave this relationship. Nobody deserves to be abused. It will not be easy. Seek comfort in your friends because they will be there for you.
Who knows, the abuser just may wake up and make their life better. They may even thank you for the wakeup call.
February 12, 2012
this book hit me like a tonne of brick.. most of us wouldn't know we are in an abusive relationship.. most of the time, we just accepted it as part of who (the abuser) are..
although verbal abuse relationship are not physically visual, the effects in has on one self-confidence and personality is just as damaging or maybe even more than a physical abuse..
words can really hurt a person.. and when i read this book, i realized that i was in an abusive relationship.. and Thank God i walked out.. this book pin point every single aspect of an abuser and what you as the victim ( i prefer the term 'survivor') can do to gain back your peace of mind..
i'd recommend this to anyone who starts to question the future of their relationship, when the supposedly 'love one' starts to lash their tongues at you, trying to make you feel small.. this book helped me gain my confidence back.. hope it will help you too.
although verbal abuse relationship are not physically visual, the effects in has on one self-confidence and personality is just as damaging or maybe even more than a physical abuse..
words can really hurt a person.. and when i read this book, i realized that i was in an abusive relationship.. and Thank God i walked out.. this book pin point every single aspect of an abuser and what you as the victim ( i prefer the term 'survivor') can do to gain back your peace of mind..
i'd recommend this to anyone who starts to question the future of their relationship, when the supposedly 'love one' starts to lash their tongues at you, trying to make you feel small.. this book helped me gain my confidence back.. hope it will help you too.
May 15, 2013
That I WASN"T crazy...If the words or attitude disempower, disrespect, or devalue the other, than they are abusive. In a verbally abusive relationship, the partner learns to tolerate abuse w/o realizing it & to lose self-esteem w/o realizing it. She is blamed by the abuser and becomes the scapegoat. Crazymaking.....
Evans relates the prevalence of verbal abuse as it relates to the power-over dominance promoted in our me-first society. Think Bullies.
This book in particular helped save my sanity as I finally understood what was happening all of those years....scars of which still haunt me almost 5 years out.
I have been reading it again and think I may need to from time to time to remind myself that I was not crazy. The insidious multiplicity of my abusers abuse was very destructive.
Evans relates the prevalence of verbal abuse as it relates to the power-over dominance promoted in our me-first society. Think Bullies.
This book in particular helped save my sanity as I finally understood what was happening all of those years....scars of which still haunt me almost 5 years out.
I have been reading it again and think I may need to from time to time to remind myself that I was not crazy. The insidious multiplicity of my abusers abuse was very destructive.
July 15, 2015
This book provides a powerful framework for understanding the dynamics of verbally abusive relationships. So often, such relationships start off seemingly benign, and only after time, do the abusive behaviors begin to appear. Victims often don't realize what is happening to them as their entire sense of self becomes so unraveled in the face of constant abuse. Evans helps shed light on what is happening to victims of abuse while empowering them to take steps to change their situation. I recommend this book for anyone who is in any kind of verbally abusive relationship -- not just with a spouse or partner, but also with family members, coworkers, etc. The Verbally Abusive Relationship is also a great resource for clinicians working with clients who are in or have been in verbally abusive relationships.
Displaying 1 - 30 of 277 reviews