Observational Comedy Quotes

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named "Bush", "Dick", and "Colin." Need I say more?”
― Chris Rock

“Whatever story you're telling, it will be more interesting if, at the end you add, "and then everything burst into flames.”
― Brian P. Cleary, You Oughta Know By Now

“It’s not technically gossip if you start your sentence with “I’m really concerned about __________________ ,” (fill in the name of the person you’re not gossiping about).”
― Brian P. Cleary, You Oughta Know By Now

“Not only is love blind, it’s a little hard of hearing.”
― Brian P. Cleary, You Oughta Know By Now

“When a kid says "smell my hand," it almost never smells like cinnamon.”
― Brian P. Cleary, You Oughta Know By Now

“The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one’s soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive – you are leaking.”
― Fran Lebowitz, The Fran Lebowitz Reader

“If a couple has their picture taken at a wedding or other social gathering, and the woman looks hot, her guy could be blinking, chewing, or even mid-sneeze, and she’ll still display it on her desk at work.”
― Brian P. Cleary

“Vegard and Riston's job today was to guard and protect me. And considering that I was in a tower room in the Guardians' citadel, it looked like a pretty plum assignment. I mean, how much trouble could a girl get into under heavy guard in a tower room? Notice I didn't ask that question out loud. No need to rub Fate's nose in something when I'd been tempting her enough lately.

Phaelan had generously his guard services as well, just in case something happened to me that my Guardian bodyguards couldn't handle. Phaelan's guard-on-duty stance resembled his pirate-on-shore-leave stane of leaning back in a chair with his feet up, but instead of a tavern table, his boots were doing a fine job of holding down the windowsill. I don't know how I'd ever felt safe without him.”
― Lisa Shearin, Armed & Magical

“Humans are more venomous than snakes”
― Atef Ashab Uddin Sahil

“There’s no such thing as free kittens.”
― Brian P. Cleary, You Oughta Know By Now

“I love therapy. I don't get the taboo about seeking therapy at all. It's exactly like taking Buzzfeed quizzes. At the end of the day, we all want to know what cocktail we are. But it means so much more when it comes from a shrink. It's like 'Ooh, I really am Liquid Cocaine!”
― Judy Balan

“Modern-Day Parenting is no joke. For starters, no one takes you seriously unless you have a fancy parenting style.
Tiger Mom, Helicopter Mom, Organic Mom and on and on.
I've decided to go with L-Board Mom. I may look like I don't know what I'm doing but you want to keep safe distance 'cause you know I can hurt you and get away with it.”
― Judy Balan

“Money never made anybody rich. To be rich, you need the poor.
The rich understand this quite well. But the poor do not.
And this idiocy, they call an economy.”
― Daksh Tyagi, A Nation of Idiots

“There was something funny I saw while travelling about which I remember thinking “oh, that’s worth telling the readers about,” only now I can’t remember what it was. It may have involved a waiter. Or possibly a ceramic tile. I’d have to go into a sensory deprivation tank to catch the tail of that memory and I’m not sure I have the time to do that before my dinner’s ready.”
― Robert Wringham, Stern Plastic Owl

“Even on mute, the news is too loud.”
― Daksh Tyagi, A Nation of Idiots

“I have a phonetic fetish. All I want is to find a man whose last name ends in 'Vrski' and marry him.
Try saying VRSKI. Oh, don't be a tight-ass. SAY IT.
Don't you love the purring sound it makes in your mouth? It's the kind of name I love waking up to every morning - 'Good morning, BlahBlahVrski', the kind I can brag about on Facebook - 'Judy Balan has now changed her name to Judy SomethingVrski' and the kind I can scream in a fit of passion - 'Ohhhhh Vrrrrssskkkkiiiii!”
― Judy Balan

“Kids are the future, as we were once.
It is a nominal title. Best not to get too attached.”
― Daksh Tyagi, A Nation of Idiots

“The notion of trying to make friends in high places seems absurd, when you consider what they must have done to get there.”
― Daksh Tyagi, A Nation of Idiots

“A family reunion is like an unlicensed surgery. Every­one has a scalpel, and anyone could be operated on.”
― Daksh Tyagi, A Nuclear Family