Transcript:I Know What You Did Next Xmas
| ← Previous | Navigation in production order | Next → |
|---|
| Transcript for | |
| I Know What You Did Next Xmas | |
|---|---|
| Written by | Ariel Landensohn |
| Transcribed by | Jasonbres |
- [Opening Credits. Caption: Hive mind says relax]
- [Scene: A snow covered Planet Express building.]
- [Scene: The observatory. Amy helps Newt top a Xmas tree with a Hypnotad angel. Pan down to see Mandy help Kif trim the tree with Morbo cookies and ornaments. Cut to the fireplace. Everyone has stockings hung up, including Amy with three little stockings underneath for her children, and Nibbler's worms. Pan to Bender on the floor drawing a Xmas card and the professor dressed in a festive cardigan and smoking his pipe.]
Farnsworth: Ah, Xmas season is upon us. Secure the perimeter!
- [Everyone scrambles. Cut to the widow's walk with Fry and Leela.]
Leela: Razor lights in place?
- [Fry pops into frame with his face all sliced up.]
Fry: Roger!
Leela: Then, stand back!
- [Leela pushes a red button on a gingerbread man shaped remote. It giggles like the Pillsbury Doughboy. The building is completely covered in Gingerbread and icing. An owl flies past.]
Alarm: Intruder alert.
- [A yellow gumdrop flicks the owl away.]
- [Scene: Back at the observatory. Hermes and Bender roll the cover onto the fireplace.]
Bender: Santa's not getting past that! No way! Unless he knocks it down or somethin'.
Zoidberg: Hey, robit, someone left a card in your stocking.
Bender: That's weird. Normally, I get mail delivered to my ass.
- [Bender proves his point by lowering a red flag attached to his shiny metal ass, then he reads the inside of the card.]
Bender: "I know what you did next Xmas!"? Okay... Random!
Zoidberg: I wonder what you will have done and who could possibly will have known about it.
Bender: Eh, I do a lot of stuff. I'm probably doing something right now.
- [Bender tosses the card into a pile of mail including his wanted poster, a summons, and a final warning.]
- [Scene: The living room. Kif, Amy, and the kids are gathered in front of the TV.]
Amy: Who's ready for their very first animated holiday special?
Newt: Hooray!
Mandy: So fun!
Axl: Whatever.
- [Fry enters the room with popcorn.]
Fry: Ooh! Wait for me. I love having other kids around.
- [Kif switched the TV on.]
Don Cunningham: This year's rerun of There's a Holiday for Everyone is brought to you by... Mom's Old Fashioned Blood Remover. Now in oatmeal spice.
- [On the TV, puppet versions of Kwanzaabot and Chanukah Zombie approach puppet children. Candy-cane colored sing-along captions appear underneath.]
Kwanzaabot and Chanukah Zombie: [singing] Well, there's Xmas...
Kwanzaabot: [singing] And Kwanzaa!
Chanukah Zombie: [singing] And Cha-a-nukah!
Kwanzaabot and Chanukah Zombie: [singing] There's a holiday for eve-ry-one!
Puppet Kid 1: And that holiday is Xmas.
- [The puppet children cheer as Kwanzaabot and Chanukah Zombie look disappointed.]
Kwanzaabot: Hey, kids, any chance y'all wanna remix this holiday special, and hear the dоpе story of Kwanzaabot instead?
Chanukah Zombie: Or your favorite goofy golem, Chanukah Zombie?
Puppet Kid 1: Nope! Tell us about Santa!
Chanukah Zombie: Again?
Puppet Kid 2: Yes! Every year!
Kwanzaabot: [sighs]
Chanukah Zombie: Oy...
- [A trash can appears behind them and they throw out their bread basket and menorah. During the next scenes, we see the origin of Robot Santa.]
Chanukah Zombie (VO): The ancient tradition of Xmas began in the year 2801, when the Friendly Robot Company developed a high-powered mechanical Santa capable of delivering over five mega-presents per second.
- [Robot Santa is tested at shooting presents from his sack-gun. One of the presents hits the puppet scientist.]
Puppet Scientist: Hey...
Kwanzaabot (VO): They tricked him out with a pair of carbon-fiber Tims and a chrome naughty-nice sensor.
Chanukah Zombie: So he'd know who deserved gifts and who deserved brutal punishment.
Kwanzaabot: Yo, that might've been the first mistake right there.
Chanukah Zombie: But on Santa's very first delivery, something went tragically meshuggenah. His naughty-nice sensor malfunctioned.
Kwanzaabot: Man, that's some bleeped-up [awooga]!
Puppet Kid 3: Yay! Santa's here!
- [Robot Santa fires his present gun causing all sorts of carnage. Cut back to the living room as Kif, Amy, Fry and the kids watch in horror.]
Kif: [covering the kids' eyes with his hands and left foot] Oh! Oh my! [nervous sounds]
- [Amy also covers Kif's eyes and then turns off the TV.]
Kif: Oh, thank you.
Amy: I'm sorry, kids. I never wanted you to know Santa was real.
- [Fry and the kids look at Amy and Kif with tears welling up.]
- [Scene: The observatory. Leela and Fry finish barricading the windows. The Professor enters.]
Farnsworth: Yuletide news, everyone! I know how to fix Santa!
Hermes: Are you kiddin' me?
Amy: [overlapping] Really?
Zoidberg: How?
Farnsworth: I just need to sneak up on him and reverse the polarity of his naughty-nice sensor.
Leela: But Santa's always on guard against attacks. Just like me. Hii-yah!
- [She gives Fry a judo flip.]
Fry: Ow!
Leela: You'll never be able to sneak up on him.
Farnsworth: Not through space, no. But through time, probably. You see, Santa's only prepared for an attack from the present. So I've been souping up my old time machine.
Bender: Where is it?
Farnsworth: The question is "when is it?" [looks at his watch] And the answer is right about... now!
- [In a flash, the time machine from "The Late Philip J. Fry" appears. The gang reacts in amazement.]
Zoidberg: It's so amazing. I don't even care that it's on my foot.
- [Pan down to reveal the machine cracking Zoidberg's foot.]
Farnsworth: I've installed a manual transmission with a reverse gear, so it can now go backward in time as well as forward.
- [The Professor unlocks the machine and the door slams in Zoidberg's face.]
Zoidberg: Hooray... Oof!
Farnsworth: My plan is to back up to the year 2801, when things first went wrong, and materialize behind Santa as he exits this very fireplace.
Leela: Did this building even exist in 2801?
Hermes: Yeah, but back then, it was some kinda meat market, where butchers would hook up and grind their sausages.
Farnsworth: Yes, anyway, once there, I'll quickly reverse the polarity of Santa's naughty-nice sensor, then return to the present. Problem solved.
Amy: Um, Professor, isn't it risky to go back in time and change history?
Farnsworth: Oh my, yes. But I'll go alone to minimize the chance of anyone becoming their own grandfather.
Fry: These things happen.
Leela: No, they don't.
- [The Professor, now wearing his pilot uniform, steps into the time machine.]
Farnsworth: Next time you see me, Santa will have been good again! Ta-ta!
- [The door closes and Zoidberg salutes him.]
Farnsworth: Uh, just a couple of centuries straight backwards.
- [The Professor sets the machine in reverse and we hear a loud meow.]
Farnsworth: Dammit! I backed over Mrs. McGillicuddy's time cat! [He pulls on the controls.] Clutch, shift, and... away we go!
- [The time machine disappears in a flash, and we hear an even louder meow.]
- [Scene: In the time machine windshield, in reverse we see the Planet Express crew take down the Xmas decorations. Also shown are the events of "The Day the Earth Stood Stupid", and "Put Your Head on My Shoulder". The Professor takes a bite of a sandwich. The time machine levers crossfade into a sign saying "Kautzman's Second-Hand Meats". It is 2801 in New York, and the skies are filled with flying cars that resemble those from the early 20th century.]
Caption: December 25, 2801
- [Scene: Inside the building, we see the meat counter containing such items as "Alien Shank", "Loin of Predator", "Na'viwurst", and "Chudder Cheese". Cut to upstairs, there is a meat grinder with the name "Baron von Sausage" prominently displayed along with a Xmas tree decorated with meats and the usual trimmings. Cut to the fireplace. Stockings are hung with the names "Herr Kautzman", "Frau Kautzman" and "L'il Schnitzy". A table of milk and cookies is also set.]
Robot Santa: Ho-ho-hot!
- [Robot Santa comes down the chimney and scans the perimeter. He looks at the plate of cookies.]
Robot Santa: Cookie. [He shoves a cookie into his mouth.]
- [The Professor's time machine manifests behind him. The Professor walks out and sneaks behind Robot Santa. He opens his change purse and takes out a penny.]
Robot Santa: Cookie!
- [The Professor reaches the penny, which has the face of Penny Marshall on the heads side, into Santa's naughty-nice sensor and turns it clockwise, while Santa continues noshing.]
Robot Santa: [lifting the table, in total Cookie Monster mode] COOOOOOKIIIIIEEE! [He munches on the table.]
- [The Professor creeps backwards slowly back into the time machine.]
Farnsworth: Just shift into forward and... Whoa! [falls over] Oh, bother. I shifted into reverse by accident. I guess I'll have to take her around by the scenic route.
- [In the windshield we see the building get destroyed, the brief medieval New York being destroyed and built, Old New York being destroyed. The Professor goes into his seat and pops a can of Olde Fortrane Malt Liquor.]
Farnsworth: Ah, here comes the Big Backwards Bang. Ow! I'm being crushed by all the matter that ever was.
- [The time machine gets crunched and the destruction of the universe begins in reverse with the machine materializing once more.]
Farnsworth: And here we are, the future!
- [Farnsworth watches in reverse as the Earth is destroyed, followed by several future scenes from "The Late Philip J. Fry", as well as a scene of a giant Bender destroying the Planet Express building, and a brief shot of Bean and Elfo from Disenchantment. The Professor walks toward the windshield to see giant eye monsters destroying the city. One of them splatters the windshield.]
Farnsworth: Ee-eye!
- [The time machine flashes back to Xmas 3023, with the eye monster still on the windshield. The Professor exits the machine.]
Leela: How'd it go?
Farnsworth: Not a hitch!
:[The eye monster splatters to the floor.]
Farnsworth: I fixed Santa!
- [The crew cheers.]
Hermes: Way to go, Professor!
Fry: It'll be my first happy Xmas since I got frozen and never saw my family again!
Hermes: Now, hold on! Xmas isn't for a week. Until then, we got nonstop busy work.
Farnsworth: [suddenly back in his lab coat and slippers] Oh, fuff. Let's stop pretending we do anything around here. Everyone, take the week off, and be with your so-called loved ones.
- [The crew gasps in excitement.]
Amy: Really?
Hermes: I forgot I had loved ones!
Leela: It's a human resources miracle!
Farnsworth: Uncle Fry, I hope you'll join me and Cubert at my chalet in the Bronx.
Leela: Wait! My family's hoping to meet Fry. I mean, they met him before, but he didn't make much of an impression.
Fry: I'll wear out my welcome at one, and then go to the other.
- [The crew excitedly exits the observatory chattering. Leela turns off the lights before leaving. Pull out to reveal Zoidberg and Bender left behind.]
Zoidberg: So, Bender…
Bender: No.
Zoidberg: You and I are the only ones with no family. Maybe we could…
Bender: No.
Zoidberg: Hang out?
Bender: Oh. Hang out, you say? Let me think that over for a... No. [beat] No. Oh, sorry. Uh, I thought you were still talking.
- [Montage: Fry and Cubert are having a snowball fight at the chalet. The Professor wins the help of his yeti friend. Amy, Kif, their children and Amy's parents get ready for a Xmas portrait. Inez turns a switch that turns their Xmas sweaters from festive to ugly. At the Conrad residence, Hermes and LaBarbara limbo for a kiss under the mistletoe. Dwight plays his video game while also limboing. Leela, her grandmother and parents make asbestos angels in the sewer.]
- [Scene: Zoidberg's dumpster. It is decorated with Xmas lights, a sign hanging that says "Casa Zoidberg" and a welcome mat. Cut to inside. We see Zoidberg with a menorah made of a cigarette box as well as an Xmas tree made of fish skeletons.]
Zoidberg: Oh. It's just you and me, moldy sandwich man.
- [Zoidberg clinks his cup and the sandwich falls over.]
- [Scene: The observatory. Bender is at the phone calling a number.]
Calculon: Hello. Calculon acting.
Bender: Hey, it's me! Your extremely close friend Bender. Wanna hang out?
Calculon: How did you get this number?
Bender: I didn't! I'm just dialing every number in order.
Calculon: Keep dialing. [hangs up]
Bender: [grumbles] This nuts bolts! [he slams the receiver down]
- [Zoidberg enters.]
Zoidberg: Hey, Bender.
Bender: Yes? I mean no!
Zoidberg: [holding up a bucket] I brought dumpster nog... And not the kind for kids. [he sets it down on the table]
Bender: Hm. What's in it?
Zoidberg: What's not in it? You want nutmeg on that?
Bender: Nutmeg? Gross!
- [Pan up to the clock, which ticks only two seconds and we pan down to Zoidberg and Bender singing drunkenly.]
Zoidberg and Bender: [singing, to the tune of the Twelve Days of Xmas] Five golden rings!
Four something something,
Three something else,
Two no one cares,
And a partridge drowned in our nog!
Bender: Whoof! This stuff is strong! Hey, how many glasses have we hadded?
Zoidberg: None. This is just from the fumes.
- [They clink their glasses and sip. Cut to thirty seconds later.]
Bender: Aw, it's not fair! Everyone else gets to have fun with their stupid family!
Zoidberg: My species dies when we reproduce. So if I had a family, I'd be dead. Does anyone even care about that?
Bender: I sure don't.
Zoidberg: If you ask me, "good" Santa is ruining Xmas. I'd like to give him such a snipping. [he clacks his claw several times]
Bender: Ooh, I'd bend him a new one! But he's not here right now!
Zoidberg: But he has was been here. Every Xmas, he shows up in the fire hole.
Bender: [gasps] We could drunk drive the time machine to last Xmas and kidnap him! Then, he won't be able to deliver presents this Xmas!
Zoidberg: And our stupid friends' holiday will be ruined!
:[They both cheer.]
Bender: Wait. Is kidnapping Santa a good idea, or does it just seem like a good idea because we're intoximated?
Bender: It's a good [flaming burp] idea. [Bender laughs drunkenly and spins the Xmas tree, taking a string of lights and making them into a lasso.] Whee! [laughs] Set course for last Xmas!
- [Bender and Zoidberg enter the time machine and disappear.]
Bender: [singing] Jingle bells,
Zoidberg smells
Just like rotten eggs!
Zoidberg: [gasps] I'm immortalized in song.
- [Scene: Last Xmas. Robot Santa sees a button on the floor and reaches down for it.]
Robot Santa: Cookie? [he attempts to munch on it]
- [The time machine appears.]
Zoidberg: And here we are, last Xmas. Get him!
- [Bender gets out of the time machine and twirls his light lasso.]
Bender: Bite my glittering festive ass!
- [Bender twirls the lights around Robot Santa.]
Robot Santa: [grunting] Unhand me, you naughty boys!
- [Santa is knocked to the ground. Zoidberg takes an ornament and shoves it in Santa's mouth like a gag. Santa keeps talking but his speech is muffled. Bender and Zoidberg lift him and slam him into the time machine and take off.]
- [Scene: Planet Express building. 3023.]
- [Scene: The observatory. The time machine returns. Bender and Zoidberg haul Santa out.]
Bender: Shove him in the old meat locker!
Zoidberg: We have an old meat locker?
- [Scene: The ship hangar. Bender and Zoidberg are still carrying Santa.]
Bender: [singing] Silent night, holy night...
- [They set Santa down and Bender moves a mattress revealing a Kautzman meat locker. Bender opens the door. They hang Santa onto a hook.]
Zoidberg: Oh, boy. Hey, boy.
Bender: Try spreadin' joy now, ya big Xmas ham.
- [Bender and Zoidberg leave the robot in the locker and close the door.]
Zoidberg: We're geniuses!
Bender: I'm geniuses! [dances] Do the Bender!
Bender and Zoidberg: Do the Bender! Do the Bender! Do the Bender
Zoidberg: [whoops]
Bender: You know, Zoidberg, you're only half as bad as I thought you were.
Zoidberg: [sniffles] That means a lot.
- [A loud bang is heard from inside the meat locker.]
Zoidberg: Uh-oh. We woke the meat up.
- [Inside, Santa is swinging from his hook attempting to kick the door down. He succeeds. Bender and Zoidberg flee.]
Bender: What do we do?
Zoidberg: The time machine!
- [Cut back to the observatory. Bender and Zoidberg enter.]
Bender: Good idea!
- [Bender lifts the time machine and bangs it on Santa, but Santa breaks through it.]
Robot Santa: Get ready to sleep in heavenly peace!
- [Bender and Zoidberg whimper.]
Robot Santa: Ho, hо... He trips on the nog bucket and falls backwards.] Whoa!
- [Santa grabs onto the tree lights and they electrocute him.]
Bender and Zoidberg: Ooh... Ahh... Ooh...
- [The crackling stops and Santa falls back. Zoidberg approaches him, takes out his stethoscope to listen for a pulse, or whatever it is robots have to indicate life.]
Zoidberg: He's dead. We killed Santa Claus.
Bender: [nervously] Uh... You killed Santy Claus.
Zoidberg: [pointing ahead nervously] Uh... Robit?
- [He is pointing to a fogged up window that someone wrote "I still know what you did next Xmas!" onto. Bender squeals.]
- [Scene: Planet Express building. Cut to the observatory as Zoidberg and Fry are still looking at Robot Santa's corpse.]
Zoidberg: This was s'posed to be a fun kidnapping! What do we do now?
Bender: We gotta get rid of the body. That's usually pretty fun.
- [Scene: The Hudson River near Planet Express. Pan down to reveal Bender and Zoidberg riding Santa like a boat, with Zoidberg rowing.]
Bender: Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke! Stroke!
- [Zoidberg breaks the paddle.]
Zoidberg: Oops. [he drops the bottom half of the oar into the river] Oops. [Bender whacks Zoidberg with the upper half of the oar.] Ow!
Bender: Okay. Now, we just add some extra weight to sink the corpse.
- [Bender gets two 50-pound weights out of his cavity and lays them on Santa's stomach. Nothing happens.]
Zoidberg: It's not working!
- [Bender gets out a marker and adds a zero to the weights to make them say "500 lbs."]
Zoidberg: Still nothing!
- [Bender and Zoidberg stand up and Bender tries stomping on the body.]
Bender: Why! Won't! You! Sink!?
- [Bender's stomping causes both him and Zoidberg to almost fall off. They roll on it like lumberjacks in a log-rolling competition, until they finally fall into the river until Santa faces downward. They climb back onto the body but are caught by a police boat. Zoidberg's head fin raises.]
URL: Hands up, boat bags.
Smitty: What's with the bloated floater?
Zoidberg: I admit it! We murd—
- [Bender hits Zoidberg before he can complete his confession.]
Bender: Uh, just, uh, dumping some toxic waste, officers.
Smitty: Huh. Guess you gotta put it somewhere.
URL: Carry on, night dumpers.
- [The police boat speeds off and Bender laughs gleefully.]
- [Scene: The Conrad household. The Conrad's are in the kitchen filled with Xmas and Kwanzaa decorations. Hermes is sliding a carrot, LaBarbara at the sink and Dwight is watching Hermes.]
Hermes: Dwight, it's time to teach you the Conrad holiday turducken recipe. Cooked in alphabetical order.
- [LaBarbara sets the ingredients on the counter.]
LaBarbara: Alrighty den. We gon' start with de chicken, den duck, and den... [quietly] Lemme see now. Now de E and de F... [out loud] Husband, we using flamingo dis year?
Hermes: At $20 a pound!? No, t'ank yuh.
- [Scene: The Planet Express bathroom. Bender and Zoidberg attempt to flush Santa's body down the toilet.]
Zoidberg: It's not workin'!
Bender: Flush harder!
Zoidberg: I'm flushing as hard as I can! Got any other ideas, Mr. I'm-So-Great-At-Hiding-Corpses?
- [Bender throws the body into the bathtub.]
Bender: Well, at least I have ideas! What do you suggest?
Zoidberg: Hm... We could try an acid bath.
Bender: Well, that does sound relaxing, but—
Zoidberg: No! We'll dissolve Santa's body! Professor has some acid upstairs in his lab. I'll go fill this trash bag.
- [Zoidberg takes off. Bender sits down on the toilet as we hear Zoidberg sloshing something upstairs.]
Zoidberg: Oops!
- [Some acid drips from the ceiling and Zoidberg crashes through the floor holding a broken bag.]
Bender: Remind me, is this the ground floor?
- [Bender's question is answered when the acid dissolves the floor and they fall through and crash.]
- [Scene: Amy and Kif's apartment. The Wong-Kroker clan are seated at the dinner table.]
Kif: Behold, my family's traditional Yuletide feast. [He uncovers the giant cloche in front of him revealing an ungodly creation.] Turdolphin! It's fresh turtle cooked inside a fermented dolphin.
Leo: Wow. Soon, it's gonna be barf inside a vomit.
Amy: Dad. Shh! Keep the truth to yourself.
Inez: Which part smells like whale butt?
Kif: [holding a dolphin-shaped gravy boat] Ooh, that would be the gravy.
- [Scene: Back at Planet Express, Zoidberg and Bender are attempting to grind Santa through the Baron von Sausage meat grinder to no avail.]
Zoidberg: You ruined everything! You're the one who wanted to kidnap Santa!
Bender: Oh, yeah? Well, you enabled me, so shut up and keep pushing him into the meat grinder!
Zoidberg: Bender, look! It's working! [some pink slime emerges out of the grinder] Wait. Where's my claw
- [Scene: The Professor's chalet. Cut to the kitchen as Fry and Cubert approach the Professor at the counter.]
Farnsworth: Gather round, relatives, as I cook up turducken a la Farnsworth with this 3D poultry printer.
Cubert: As long as it's got three dimensions, I'll eat it.
Farnsworth: We start with liquid chicken.
- [The printer activates and makes the chicken.]
Farnsworth: Then, some duck filament.
- [As the printer continues, the Professor puts a stool behind the counter.]
Farnsworth: And finally, a whole fresh turkey. I printed this one out earlier.
- [He inserts the turkey into the printer. While the turducken continues cooking, the Professor licks his fingers.]
Fry: Oh, man. I need to head out if I'm gonna make it to Leela's. Do you have any skis?
Farnsworth: No, but I can print some.
- [The Professor adds some liquid chicken into another printer and it begins printing skis.]
- [Scene: The Turanga household. Leela goes over to the fridge and opens it to find it bare.]
Leela: How are we making turducken? There's nothing in the refrigerator.
Morris: Eh, that fridge doesn't work. We use it as a spare bedroom.
Leela's Grandmother: We serve fresh turducken, Leela. They roam the sewers in huge flocks.
- [Cut to outside. A turkey gobbles, and a quacking duck emerges from its mouth, and a clucking chicken from the duck's mouth.]
Leela: Are they hard to catch?
Leela's Grandmother: Oh, no. They crave death.
- [The live turducken dives right into the pot. Fry enters.]
Fry: Hey! Sorry I'm late. I got hungry and ate my skis.
- [Fry holds up a chicken ski with bite marks.]
Leela: Fry, you made it! You remember my parents and my grandma?
- [Fry shakes Leela's grandmother's tentacle.]
Fry: Ah, yes. The rose of the sewers. Mwah!
Leela's Grandmother: Leela, if you don't marry him, I will.
Fry: So, uh, where's Bender and Zoidberg?
Leela: What? I figured they were with you. Or something. They're probably relaxing by the fire.
- [Scene: The observatory. We see several power tools on the floor. Bender and Zoidberg are standing by Santa's body.]
Bender: [whimpers] The only rational option is to eat Santa. Right? [holds up a meat cleaver] Right!?
Zoidberg: I don't know! Oh, this is a nightmare before Xmas. I wish we'd never become friends!
Bender: We're not friends! And we never were!
Zoidberg: But we danced. And murdered.
- [Bender activates an electric carver.]
Bender: I'll do the carving. You want white Christmas or dark Christmas?
- [A knock is heard at the door and Bender and Zoidberg yell in shock.]
- [Scene: Outside. Zoidberg opens the door to find all the Planet Express crew and their families at the door.]
All: Surprise!
Zoidberg: Bah humbug!
- [Zoidberg slams the door as one of the wreaths falls over.]
- [Scene: The Planet Express building. Everyone is still at the door. Leela pounds on the door. Zoidberg peeks through the blinds.]
Zoidberg: Nobody's home! Leave a message at the beep. Beep!
Leela: Open up or we'll carol!
Zoidberg: [closing the blinds] Uh, Bender! We have company!
Bender: Uh, just a sec! I'm tidying up.
- [From behind the door, we hear a mighty loud racket of carving and pounding. Having lost her patience, Leela karate punches the door down and the door lands right on top of Zoidberg.]
Leela: Hii-yah!
Zoidberg: [nervously] Come in, come in! Everything's normal.
- [Scene: The observatory. The crew and their families approach Bender and Zoidberg.]
Fry: Merry Xmas, you guys.
Amy: We didn't know you hadn't been invited anywhere.
Hermes: We came as soon as we realized what losers you are.
- [Hermes approaches Santa's head and hat, which is being used as a punch bowl.]
Bender: Uh, punch?
Hermes: Nah, I'll just have a beer.
- [Hermes walks over to Santa's chest, which is being used as a beer cooler.]
LaBarbara: Who's hungry? We all brought our families' unique holiday dishes.
LaBarbara, Farnsworth, and Munda: Turducken!
Kif: Turdolphin!
LaBarbara: Huh.
Zoidberg: How thoughtful of you all to drop this disturbing food off, [pushinf Farnsworth] and then be immediately on your way. Goodbye!
Munda: Dinner's served! Isn't that pretty? It looks like a magazine.
Cubert: Bender, since when do you have three legs?
- [Zoom out to reveal Bender's third leg being one of Santa's.]
Bender: Uh, uh, th-this one's a spare. In case I break down on the highway.
Cubert: And why is it wearing a snow boot?
- [Bender's Santa leg kicks Cubert to the ground as Zoidberg drags him away. We next see Cubert tied up on a platter with the dolphin's tail used as a gag to keep him from talking. Morris activates the electric carver as Cubert looks nervously.]
- [Cut to later as the crew and their families are enjoying the various turduckens. Dwight looks at a piece of Cubert's hair on his plate. We pan over to see Cubert very much alive with some of his hair cut off.]
Fry: Finally, an old-time happy Xmas, with presents for everyone! [whispers to Axl] I'm hoping for Batman underpants.
Farnsworth: Santa should be here any minute now.
:[Amy's kids and Fry cheer.]
Zoidberg: The guilt is too much! I confess! Santa won't—
:[Bender grabs Zoidberg's tendrils to shut him up. Suddenly sleigh bells are heard jingling.]
Bender: What's that? Who's jingling?!
Farnsworth: Ah, here he comes!
- [Everyone heads to the window, as Zoidberg looks at Bender confused. Cut to the window to reveal Santa very much alive and flying toward the building.]
Newt: Yay! It's good Santa!
Farnsworth: Indeed, because I fixed him.
Zoidberg: [quietly, to Bender] Santa seems less dead than we thought.
- [Santa's laser activates and it aims at Farnsworth.]
All: Ooh…
:[Santa fires his present gun and all the boxes shoot through the window as everyone screams and runs for cover.]
Farnsworth: I don't understand. He's still evil! I personally went back in time and reversed his naughty-nice sensor! Uh-oh.
Leo: What you do, old man?
Farnsworth: Oh, I've made a complete Fry of myself. You see, Santa's sensor was exactly like the one on this punch bowl. [He takes the sensor out of the Santa head.] When he was first built, it was in the correct position. But when I went back in time, I flipped it around. Me! Oh, Lordy Lou. I'm the one who made Santa evil.
:[Everyone gasps]
Zoidberg: You monster!
- [The building shakes as the lights go out. Santa approaches the window.]
Robot Santa: You've all been very naughty! Especially you, Mandy.
Mandy: I'm sorry I forgot to feed the hamster!
Farnsworth: [holding up the dead Santa's arm] Arm yourselves!
- [Santa drops down the chimney, as everyone runs and screams and hides. Santa drops down and sees the Naughty-Nice sensor on the floor and picks it up.]
Robot Santa: Cookie? [he attempts to munch on it]
- [The time machine with Bender and Zoidberg inside appears.]
Past Zoidberg: And here we are, last Xmas. Get him!
- [Past Bender gets out of the time machine and twirls his light lasso.]
Past Bender: Bite my glittering festive ass!
- [Bender twirls the lights around Robot Santa.]
Robot Santa: [grunting] Unhand me, you naughty boys!
- [Santa is knocked to the ground. Zoidberg takes an ornament and shoves it in Santa's mouth like a gag. Santa keeps talking but his speech is muffled.]
Zoidberg: Who are those handsome guys, and what are they doing to poor Santa?
Bender: That's us, you idiot! You didn't take us to last Xmas. You took us to next Xmas! Meaning this Xmas!
Zoidberg: Damn it, Bender. I'm a doctor, not a time machine guy!
- [Past Bender and Zoidberg lift Robot Santa and slam him into the time machine and take off. The crowd comes out of hiding and has very confused reactions as the power returns.]
Farnsworth: I think I speak for everyone when I say, ih-whuh?
Zoidberg: I can't hold it in anymore! We—
- [Bender grabs Zoidberg's tendrils again]
Bender: We kidnapped and murdered Santa!
:[Everyone but Fry gasps.]
Fry: Oh.
Zoidberg: We didn't mean to, but still!
:[Bender and Zoidberg embrace each other and cry.]
Farnsworth: Stop blubbering, you bloobs! You're heroes!
Bender: What-roes?
Hermes: The professor set Santa to kill! You saved all [counting everyone quietly] nineteen of us!
Zoidberg: We're heroes?
Bender: Damn right, we are!
Bender and Zoidberg: [dancing] Do the Bender! Do the Bender! Do the Bender!
:[Zoidberg whoops underneath.]
Amy: Aw, Bender! You and Zoidberg are friends now? That's so cute.
Bender: [stops hugging Zoidberg] Uh, absolutely not! You're all having a mass hallucination!
Leela: So, what happened to Santa? [sips some punch]
Kif: You're drinking out of him.
Bender: There's one thing I still don't understand. Which one of you meatbags wrote the creepy notes?
- [Zoom out to reveal a blood-written message on the wall saying "I'll always know what you did next Xmas!!!"]
Robot Santa's head: 'Twas I!
:[Everyone gasps as Leela drops the very much alive Santa head on the table. She awkwardly drinks the spilt punch.]
Robot Santa's head: I sent the notes from the future!
Bender: Because I murdered you?
Robot Santa's head: No! Because I knew what you did next Xmas. You became friends with Zoidberg! So I'm blackmailing you!
Bender: No... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! You take Amy's Venmo?
Robot Santa's head: Sure.
:[Bender snatches Amy's phone and gives it to Santa's head.]
Amy: Hey!
- [Santa's head proceeds to chomp Amy's phone to pieces.]
- [Cut to outside the Planet Express building on the snowy night.]
Robot Santa's head: Cookie!
- [The executive producer credits appear in candy-cane colored font.]
- [Scene: Kwanzaabot appears in limbo to give us something special.]
Kwanzaabot: Yo, Santa-Bot! I'mma drop my Futurama Xmas list for 3023. Y'all ready for this? I'm about to get nice.
[rapping] Kwanzaabot! Yeah!
Gimme 12 Slurms a-slurping
11 Benders burping
10 episodes dropping
9 Scruffys mopping
8 Leelas drinking
7 Zoidbergs stinking
Chanukah and Kwanzaa
Share a single stanza
Time traveling chumps
A 40 ounce of nog
Fry's dead dog
2 turtle-duckens
And a voice-over credit for me!
- [Kwanzaabot flies in his canoe over the Earth, toward the sun, and into our hearts.]
In Memory of Coolio (1963-2022)
- [Closing Credits.]
| ← Previous | Navigation in production order | Next → |
|---|