Ted Spankoffski

Theodore 'Ted' Spankoffski (also known as the Homeless Man) is a character in the Hatchetfield Universe. As Ted Spankoffski, he works in tech support at CCRP and is the brother of Pete Spankoffski though he also appears in all timelines as the Homeless Man who can be seen begging around the streets of Hatchetfield. Ted features in The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals, Black Friday, The Hatchetfield Ape-Man, Forever and Always, Time Bastard, Honey Queen, Abstinence Camp, Daddy, Killer Track, Hey, Melissa! and Workin' Boys as well as being mentioned in Watcher World and (as the Homeless Man) in Nerdy Prudes Must Die. He is played by Joey Richter.

Production			Played by	Song
The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals			Joey Richter	The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals
				La Dee Dah Dah Day (as Homeless Man)
				America Is Great Again
				Let Him Come
				Let It Out
				Inevitable
Black Friday				What Do You Say (as Homeless Man) Our Doors Are Open (as Homeless Man) Feast and Famine (as Homeless Man) Adore Me (as Homeless Man) Wiggle (as Homeless Man) What if Tomorrow Comes?
Nightmare Time	Season 1	The Hatchetfield Ape-Man		None
		Forever & Always
		Time Bastard
	Season 2	Honey Queen
		Abstinence Camp
		Daddy
		Killer Track
	Special Episode	Hey, Melissa!
Workin' Boys				None

As Ted[]

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals[]

Ted first appears in TGWDLM as a performer in the titular number.

After that first feature, Ted does not reappear onstage for some time, only returning to harass Paul as his co-worker's making his way to Beanies. At first he is insulted that he wasn't invited, before wondering aloud as to why Paul is going so far out of his way to get coffee from that establishment, when there's a Starbucks just down the street, and suggests that it has something to do with the cute barista working there, AKA the 'Latte Hottay.' Visibly uncomfortable, Paul escapes, leaving Ted to shout that he wants a chai iced tea, to no avail.

Ted is next seen during a montage that takes place that night, where it becomes clear that he's having an affair with his co-worker Charlotte. When she expresses her concern over her husband, Sam, being caught in the terrible storm, Ted enters, waves Charlotte's concern off ("Fuck Sam.") and asks her to come back to bed. Charlotte tells him that this has to be the last time, but Ted reminds her that she said that last time, and if she doesn't like what they're doing, "there's the door."

The next day, Ted is having a break with his co-workers when Paul arrives and explains how he just saw everyone singing and dancing in the street. Ted suggests that it was a flash mob, and is highly disappointed in Paul when he admits that he didn't get a video of it. Later, when Charlotte is expressing concern over how perfectly her husband was singing in the shower that morning, she relays that he said he was coming home late the night before, and Ted blurts out that he didn't get home at all, before instantly regretting it and asserting that he had only heard that that was the case.

Ted later makes a surprise appearance when Paul and Emma Perkins are hiding in an alleyway, having just been pursued by the staff and customers at Beanies. He hears Paul explaining what happened at the cafe, and so jumps out of the trashcan and complains that he didn't invite him. When Paul exclaims in shock, Ted shushes him, as this is their (his, Charlotte and Bill's) hiding spot, and, until they know what's going on and who they can trust, Paul needs to get in the trashcan, and Emma can beat it. Paul tries to explain that he knows Emma, and that she's the fabled Latte Hottay, but Ted angrily informs him that she is not the Latte Hottay.

Suddenly, the police arrive, and break into Show Me Your Hands. Initially, Ted tries to escape, but as the song progresses, he becomes more and more impressed by the cops' performance. However, this does not last very long, as Ted grabs one of the trashcan lids in order to protect himself, before deciding to hit Sam over the head with it, exposing his brain and ending the number.

Instead of comforting Charlotte, Ted defends his actions. Aghast, Charlotte picks up the brain of her husband, and Ted instructs her to put it back then. She reminds him that she doesn't know how, and Ted tells her that it can't be Sam's brain, as it's blue, to which Charlotte responds that Ted isn't a doctor, so he wouldn't know. Later, Charlotte suggests that they should all go to a church, but Ted reminds her that they are all from different denominations, and that they cannot split split up. He instead counters that they go to the panic room and beg for the king's (Professor Hidgens's) help, like Emma suggested.

When entering Professor Henry Hidgens's manor, with the help of Bill, Ted drags in Sam and puts him on a chair. When Hidgens realizes that one of the infected have been brought into his home, he waves a gun wildly in the group's direction, and Ted exclaims that they should have listened to him by leaving Sam in the alley. Charlotte calls him a monster, but Ted gestures to Sam and instead reminds her that he's a monster. He then follows Hidgens's instructions in securing Sam by cuffing him to the chair and taking the keys.

After a conversation confirming that they are in fact dealing with aliens, the most group exits to have a drink, leaving Ted and Charlotte alone with the unconscious Sam. Ted tries to entice Charlotte with a drink, saying that they can relax, talk, and fuck, but she can't believe that he's thinking about that at a time like this, as the whole world could be coming to an end. In a moment of passion, Ted reveals that if he's going to die, he's going to go out doing the thing he loves: screwing around with another man's wife. Charlotte reprimands the horny bastard and goes to slap him, but he stops her, and after some flirtatious talk the two start getting it on. However, Charlotte pauses, reminding him that her husband's brains fell out that day, and that if she can't be a wife to him now, what kind of woman is she? Ted pulls away, stumped for answers, and suggests that she goes back to fucking her therapist. Charlotte admits that she does actually want her marriage to work with Sam, and she does love him, although she shouldn't. Frustrated, Ted explains that her husband is a scumbag, and that she could upgrade to a sleazeball (himself), but she refuses to be happy. He then tells her that he's done and that she can stay with her dying marriage and her dying husband as he's going to hit on 'that crabby barista' (Emma), and leaves, giving her the keys to Sam's cuffs.

Ted is next seen with the others, holding a large bottle of some form of alcohol and quite clearly at least tipsy. He scoffs at Bill's desire to have a Shirley Temple, seeing as its the end of the world, but Bill reminds him that they should have a designated driver if it really is the apocalypse. Ted mocks this thought, and so Bill says that he'll to do something to him. Incredulous, Ted asks exactly what he's going to do to him, leading Bill to threaten that he's going to kick Ted's head. After a moment's thought, Ted echoes the statement, and then questions if Bill meant to kick his ass instead, but Bill sticks to his original statement. Full of energy, Ted jumps up and demands that Bill kick his head, referring to him as a 'karate champ' and mockingly challenging that he kick above his waist and show him his moves. Paul tries to defuse the situation, but Ted reminds him that the head is the most vulnerable part of the body, and after another interjection from Paul, Ted goes to list off examples of where animals are cut from the head, before being slapped on the hand by Bill. The bottle of booze is then wrestled off him by Paul, and so Ted is left alone to his thoughts.

Later on, Charlotte and Sam make their entrance as musical zombies with Join Us (And Die), a song wherein Ted is punched, squeezed, crushed, 'killed', ridden, dragged, wound up, and kicked in the nuts by the couple. However, he is saved by Hidgens, who shoots both Sam and the Charle-ton.

Under the suspicion that they may be infected, Hidgens makes Ted and the others sing Moana at gunpoint. Although Ted puts his soul into it, he forgets the lyrics and so makes 'ho ho' noises in order to cover up for this (see Horny Ox), and so passes the professor's test.

Later, Bill starts making plans to pick up his daughter Alice at the infested high school. Ted is scornful of Bill's idea, saying that Alice is already dead, and if Bill goes he's going to die too. When the others start to come up with an alternative, safer route for Bill to take, Ted cuts in and tells them not to bother, as he's going to get lost. In response, Emma calls him a creep, and Ted spits this back in her face, explaining that the world has changed, and that there are no creeps and there are no heroes: there are only people who are alive and people who are fucking dead. Ted then looks to Paul for support, who then makes the decision to go with Bill to save his daughter.

Ted reappears much later when he is nudged awake by Emma whilst tied to a chair. It implied that he has been drugged by Hidgens, as his fellow hostage was. He starts begging for his life when Alexa is murdered at the hands of Hidgens. Ted then shares Emma's exclamations of horror and distress when Hidgens reveals that his first love was and always will be musical theater, and is clearly fearful when the professor begins to perform Show Stopping Number. However, as the song progresses, Ted slowly begins to enjoy the music more and more, even becoming visibly emotional. However, when he sees Hidgens get swept away by the infected Greg and Stu, Ted starts crying out to God to save him, and if He does he'll be a better person. Although not the big man himself, Paul rushes in and unties both Ted and Emma, and the three of them then clear the stage of items, with Ted offering to take the piano.

The trio are then on their way to Oakley Park in order to catch the helicopter in time, but Ted stops them all in order to make a speech. He announces that that day has broken him, and that he's ashamed of how he acted earlier on with Bill. Furthermore, he admits that he wanted to abandon Emma, and that he wishes he could be brave like Paul. He deserves any kind of abuse that they want to give him, but he swears that he's going to be a better person because that day has taught him that what's really important in life is the ones you care about. Here he addresses Paul directly and is in the middle of telling him that he has always considered him to be one of his closest friends when Greg appears from behind them and drags Paul away. Ted immediately takes Paul's gun and starts to flee. Emma tries to get him to help, but Ted shouts that he promised that he'd be a better person, and that he's still not a good person. He continues fleeing, leaving the other two behind, intent on reaching the helicopter.

Before long, Ted spots what he thinks is the military, but is actually an infected P.E.I.P. squadron, and starts celebrating. He lies and says that he's the only person left alive, and is in the middle of spouting his support for the US army when he is shot in the upper body by the infected General John McNamara. The P.E.I.P. agent then begins to sing America Is Great Again, and it is during the beginning of this number that the general raises his glowing blue hand to Ted's face and infects him. Although Ted tries to fight it, he quickly becomes one with the Hive, joining both in with the ranks of the other soldiers and the singing. During the song, the infected Ted tries to capture Emma, but she wrestles out of his grasp and takes his gun, which she uses to shoot General McNamara and save Paul, after which Ted marches away.

Ted appears briefly in Let Him Come, and can be seen helping to make the meteor look its best.

When Paul reaches the Starlight Theater, Ted enters the stage after Bill, warning Paul to watch out, as he might kick his head. He later tells him that they want to hear about what Paul wants, and after a comment from Mr. Davidson, Let It Out begins, wherein he and the other infected entice Paul to join the Hive. However, despite him singing, Paul still manages to blow up the meteor.

Ted makes his final appearance in TGWDLM in Inevitable, wherein he does his very best to traumatize Emma and succeeds, before taking his well-deserved bow and dragging Emma offstage.

Black Friday[]

Ted only appears in What If Tomorrow Comes as one of the 'ghosts of Hatchetfield' in Black Friday, with the only notable part of his appearance being that his mustache is looking a little more glued-on than usual. When the countdown begins, initially he is stood behind Charlotte, with both hands on her shoulders, but after some time he moves his right hand so that he takes both of Hot Chocolate Boy's, who is to his left. He remains this way until a loud whooshing sound is heard overhead.

The Hatchetfield Ape-Man[]

Ted features in the first episode of Nightmare Time, in the story The Hatchetfield Ape-Man. He originally poses as the fabled Hatchetfield Ape-Man (Konk), in order to get Duchess Lucy Stockworth (who has been searching for the Ape-Man after being rescued by him) to marry him, so he and his accomplice, Professor Hidgens, can obtain her fortune. However, after spending time with her, Ted begins to genuinely fall in love with Lucy, and tries to protect her after learning about Professor Hidgens plans to kill her. When Professor Hidgens attempts to shoot Lucy, Ted steps in the way of the bullet, and gets shot instead. After getting away from Hidgens, Ted, with dying breath, tells Lucy that he loves her. Lucy reciprocates these feelings and Ted dies in her arms.

Forever and Always[]

Ted appears as a guest at Paul Matthews 23 and Android Emma Perkins' wedding. He approves of Paul's Borat reference and also remarks on how the Homeless Man who breaks in is a loser.

Time Bastard[]

Ted initially appears at Paul and Emma's wedding reception where he attempts to flirt with a range of women including Emma, Charlotte and Silvia all who reject his advances. Ultimately Ted ends up sat at the bar with Professor Hidgens. The two discuss their failed romantic life with Ted telling Hidgens about Jenny and how he lost her. After drinking himself into a stupor Ted awakens to find himself not at Emma and Paul's wedding but his own where he is married to Jenny. Jenny and Ted dance before sitting down. Jenny gives Ted a gift which he opens revealing the bastards box. The scene around Ted fades and he comes face to face with Tinky. Ted wakes up to find himself once again at Emma and Paul's wedding where Paul asks him to leave and slide his weekly reports under Mr. Davidson's door which Ted agrees to. Once back at the CCRP office Ted is unable to find Paul's reports and so goes to his own office to print them off remarking that the printer will take 85 years. Ted falls asleep while waiting for it. He then wakes up in the year 2104 where he unknowingly attends a Monday meeting in the future. In the meeting Ted discovers the plans for an android made in the likeness of Emma Perkins. Ted is then discovered to not be from that reality and is brought to a holding cell where he comes face to face with Executive Andrew Kilgore. Kilgore wants to harvest Ted's genetic material for research into time travel but he ultimately escapes. In the chaos of Ted's escape Kilgore is killed using a disintegrator and Ted puts it into his pocket for future use. Upon realising he is able to travel in time Ted uses his offices time travel ability to travel back to October 17th 2004 to attempt to save his relationship with Jenny. Ted knocks his younger self out before attacking a younger Andy Kilgore with a crowbar and going to meet Jenny. Jenny is shocked by Ted's new behaviour and pushes him away accidentally activating the disintegrator. Jenny dies in Ted's arms and the man goes to attempt to reverse her death, but finds he can't travel back in time as the temporal rift he used previously doesn't exist in 2004. Tinky appears and mocks Ted. The man looks inside the bastards box and his mind is shattered. After being thrown out of the Hatchetfield Gazettes office, Ted becomes the Homeless Man.

Abstinence Camp[]

Ted appears in Abstinence Camp as he drives his brother to camp. He tells Pete about how awful camp is and starts to talk about the legend of Lumber Axe but quickly gets scared and drops Pete off to walk the rest of the way while he drives away.

Daddy[]

Ted appears in Daddy when he's brought back to the Young Manor by Sheila who intends to make him her new husband. However, after Sherman protests that he wants Frank to remain as his father and convinces Sheila to give him a second chance, Sheila turns around and shoots Ted.

Killer Track[]

Ted appears as one of the patrons at the Hatchetfield Honey Festival. He initially tries to flirt with Woman but she is disgusted by him and walks away. Ted initially seems upset by this but is then approached by Sheila.

Hey, Melissa![]

Ted first appears when he approaches Bill and Paul who are discussing Melissa. Ted encourages Paul to make a move on Melissa before he does. Paul explains that he doesn't like Melissa because she likes cats too much.

Once the conversation ends, Ted tries to follow after Melissa but is stopped by Freddie Biggs who reminds him that Melissa's desk is under his jurisdiction in their agreed 'zones of sleaze'. Freddie then tells Ted that he's been after Melissa for a long time and that he won't let another man near her. That evening, Ted waits for Melissa in the CCRP parking garage while Freddie watches from his car. The next day, Ted is gone.

After being left in Melissa's Apartment, Paul goes to try and feed Melissa's dog who he thinks is in the closet. When he opens the door he finds Ted in a cage. Ted reveals Melissa has forced him to act like a dog and that she cut off his fingers. Melissa then tazes Paul and keeps both Ted and Paul as her pets.

A few days later, when Melissa has friends over Paul and Ted have the opportunity to escape as Melissa left the door unlocked. However, Ted refuses to leave as he believe the women are going to have sex with him. Paul tries to leave anyway but is stopped Ted barking, alerting his escape to the women. Paul is tased and locked in the cage. He is then forced to watch as the women kill Ted as they believe him to be 'rabid'.

Workin' Boys[]

Ted appears in the audience of Workin' Girls at the Starlight Theater. He attends the show with Bill Woodward attending the show as he believes it to be about sex workers. Bill attempts to explain this to Ted though he doesn't entirely listen leaving him to be very confused when the show is about business.

Following the interval, Ted is horrified to see the blood and body parts on the stage. When Hidgens tells the audience to remain in their seats for the duration of the performance, Ted refuses and attempts to run out of the theater. He is then shot and killed by Hidgens.

As The Homeless Man[]

The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals[]

The Homeless Man appears briefly in The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals. He is first shown during Paul's argument with Greenpeace Girl where he asks for spare change and Paul declines. He then later appears as a member of the hive singing in La Dee Dah Dah Day.

Black Friday[]

The Homeless Man first appears in Black Friday as one of the people in the queue waiting to get in to Toy Zone. He joins in the people singing about Tom and Becky's past relationship in What Do You Say. Once the doors are open the Homeless Man like many others attempts to bid for a Wiggly doll offering three dollars in exchange for a doll. He appears in Feast or Famine during the ensuing riots over the doll. The Homeless Man is later shown to be a part of Linda's doll cult. During Adore Me the Homeless Man is shown to kiss Linda's toe. Following Linda's death the Homeless Man dies in the fire Lex creates by burning the doll.

Forever and Always[]

During Android Emma Perkins and Paul Matthews 23 wedding the Homeless Man breaks in yelling that Emma isn't actually Emma. He is ultimately removed from the wedding by Tom Houston.

Time Bastard[]

After being removed from the Hatchetfield Gazettes office the Homeless Man finds a hat and coat in the dumpster and puts them on. He spends the next 15 years alone on the street begging for change. Upon realising that Paul and Emma are together the Homeless Man breaks into their wedding yelling that Emma isn't actually Emma. He is then removed from the wedding. A week passes when Ted is visited by Tinky who mocks him. He then comes out of his dream to come face to face with Android Emma and Paul 23. The Homeless Man is stabbed and dies leaving Ted to be trapped in the bastards box forever.

Honey Queen[]

The Homeless Man is recruited by Linda Monroe to pose as casting director Mr. Broadley. He and Gerald Monroe enter Beanie's and sit in there all day as Zoey sings.

Personality and Traits[]

Ted is defined by his persona as a "horny bastard". He is entirely driven by his own sexual desires and it is his main characteristic. Ted views himself as a beacon of sexual charisma and this causes him to be overly confident in himself and his appearance. This can cause Ted to come across as obnoxious and creepy especially to women who he constantly flirts with and hits on. Ted's humor can be very crude and overtly sexual which often makes others uncomfortable. Ted also acts extremely douchey and is often unable to understand that others don't like him, instead believing everyone to love him. However, despite his outward appearance as an asshole, Ted does genuinely care about things such as his deep love for Jenny and his general demeanor can be viewed as a defense mechanism to keep out the hurt that her leaving caused him. Ultimately, Ted acts as an overtly sexual douchebag in order to protect himself from ever being hurt again.

However, as the Homeless Man, Ted's mind was shattered leaving him as a broken man. He has very few connections to the people of Hatchetfield and instead mindlessly floats about begging for change. He has very few connections to his previous life but the few things he does remember he feels strongly about and is willing to act on them. Occasionally, elements of the old Ted such as his penance for making Borat references can shine through though this is rare and generally Ted is merely defined as a lost and aimless man.

Skills[]

• Time Travel- As a victim of Tinky, Ted was aborted from the flow of time. This caused him to become something known as a Time Bastard which allowed him to travel through time via the temporal distortion created by CCRP. Ted is one of only two beings who was able to travel through this distortion and the only one to do it multiple times.
• Spankoffski Charm- Ted believes himself to have superior charm over women and to be irresistible to them. Though this is usually untrue and many find him repulsive.

Relationships[]

Paul Matthews[]

Paul Matthews is Ted's colleague. Paul is easily irritated by Ted and generally dislikes him. Despite this, Ted believes himself to be Paul's best friend and enjoys talking to him.

Professor Hidgens[]

Professor Hidgens is Ted's friend and co-conspirator. Despite being so different, Ted and Hidgens have a relationship of convenience and work together to get what they want. Ted acts as one of Hidgens biggest fans and is actively invested in his musical.

In The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals, Ted and Hidgens meet for the first time and despite being knocked out and tied up by Hidgens, Ted is still invested in Hidgens' musical Workin' Boys.

In The Hatchetfield Ape-Man, Ted and Hidgens collaborate in duping Lucy Stockworth into giving them access to her fortune. Initially, the two appear to have a relationship built on trust but this soon fractures. Hidgens finds Ted frustrating and he is angered by him and ultimately ends up killing him.

In Time Bastard, Ted and Hidgens have a conversation and it appears that the two have very similar relationship histories. Despite this, Ted has little care for Hidgens and leaves as soon as it's convenient for him.

Jenny[]

Jenny is Ted's best friend and love interest. The two have a very close relationship and love each other but Ted is unable to admit his feelings to Jenny making her believe her feelings are unrequited. Jenny is the only girl Ted has ever truly loved.

Charlotte Sweetly[]

Charlotte Sweetly is Ted's co-worker at CCRP. The two are having an affair, with Ted often flirting with Charlotte. The majority of the time Charlotte returns Ted's affection, but she occasionally dismisses him, choosing to turn towards Sam instead much to his annoyance. Ted wants Charlotte to leave her husband for him but she wants to keep him as one of her side things.^[1]

In The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals Ted and Charlotte clearly have some amount of affection for each other but Ted clearly cares more for Charlotte than she does for him as she constantly interrupts her interactions with him via talking about her husband.

Duchess Lucy Stockworth[]

While he was Konk, Ted and Lucy had a very friendly and loving relationship. Ted truly loved Lucy despite the fact he was deceiving her and ultimately died trying to save her.

Bill Woodward[]

Bill Woodward is Ted's colleague and occasional friend. The two often argue but also have some respect for each other. In Time Bastard, Ted assumes that his door was nailed shut by Bill as a prank.

Andrew Kilgore[]

Ted Spankoffski is Andrew Kilgore's arch-enemy. After he attacked him with a crowbar and killed Jenny in 2004, Kilgore swore revenge on the man. He waited over 100 years, becoming a cyborg in the process, to try to kill Ted for what he did. When he actively attempted to murder Ted, much to the man's confusion, but was ultimately killed by him instead.

Tinky[]

Tinky is Ted's tormentor and ultimate entrapper. Tinky understands Ted and his various wants and desires and is able to manipulate these in order to cause Ted to cause his own downfall with very little prompting from Tinky. He also gets great amusement out of Ted's suffering and uses it for his own enjoyment.

Melissa[]

Melissa is Ted's former colleague, kidnapper and killer. Ted was initially very attracted to Melissa and tried to make a move on her causing him to be kidnapped by her. Melissa then cuts off Ted's fingers and forces him to act like her dog. Despite hating his life as Melissa's pet, Ted is willing to stay if it fulfills his sexual desires, a philosophy that ultimately ends in his death.

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Trivia[]

• It has been confirmed that Ted was in the Lakeside Mall during the events of Black Friday, meaning that due to his age he was at one point under Wiggly's influence, but broke free.^[2]
• Joey Richter never actually played Ted in a live performance of Black Friday, only appearing as the character during What If Tomorrow Comes in the YouTube version of the show. This is because during the run of the show, Nick Lang had been unable to get the character's costume out of storage, but as What If Tomorrow Comes was filmed separately and not in front of a live audience, he was able to get the costume as an Easter egg. In all other performances, Joey is instead playing the Cineplex Teen, which can be seen on both digital tickets.^[3]

• Due to Joey Richter being clean-shaven for his performance, Ted has a fake mustache in Black Friday. Over lockdown, Joey grew a full beard, and as a result, it is explained in The Hatchetfield Ape-Man that Hidgens made Ted grow the beard in order to better look like the ape-man and woo Duchess Lucy Stockworth, to which Ted responds that if he'd been allowed to keep the mustache, then he'd could have won Lucy over without the ruse. Joey later shaved his beard and rediscovered the mustache, all in order for Time Bastard's performance a week after.