Yellow Pavement/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Yellow Pavement" from season 13, which aired on March 17, 2023.

[The episode opens with the text "PICTURE START" written in white against a black screen, then inverting. An old-timey countdown plays. More text appears, reading "Safety At Sea: 'An Educational Boating Film.'" It flickers to a shot of the outside of Mrs. Puff's Boating School. Mrs. Puff comes out of the front door.]
Mrs. Puff: Hello, student drivers! I'm Mrs. Penelope Puff, and, as per the court order, I will be your driving instructor in this educational film. By remembering these [takes out list] 138 simple rules of the road, [throws list away] every one of you will know all that you need to get your very own boating license.
[Cut to SpongeBob having crashed a boat into a brick wall.]
SpongeBob: [spaced out] Even me?
Mrs. Puff: [shrugs, disappointed] Ugh.
[Text appears saying "#1 The Five Point Pre Check."]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] First lesson: the five point pre check
[The text disappears to show Squidward standing next to a boat.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Here we have Mr. Good Driver. Before starting the vehicle, he always inspects five areas of his boat for safety.
[Squidward nods.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] He checks his tire buoyancy...
[Squidward kneels down to the boat's tires, points at a meter, and reads it.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Ensures his motor is properly oiled...
[Squidward squeezes a small drop of oil onto the boat's motor, then flicks it.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Confirms his boat horn is functioning...
[Squidward is inside the boat, and he honks his horn twice.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Reviews his signals...
[Two flags come out of the boat and move in various directions.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] And most importantly, he fastens his seatbelt.
[Squidward fastens his seatbelt and clasps his hands as a halo appears above him. The camera pans over to show SpongeBob standing at another boat.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] And here we have a bad driver, or, what I refer to as "a SpongeBob."
SpongeBob: Check tire pressure! [He inflates all the boat's tires to a large size.] Oil propeller: check! [He dumps a bucket of oil onto the propellor, which spins rapidly and splatters on Squidward, who grumbles.] Check horn: check! [He honks the horn very hard.]
Horn: [screaming] Out of the way!
[Squidward is blown back by the horn's noise, also spraying the oil off him.]
SpongeBob: Check signals! Checkareeno!
[SpongeBob twirls his signal flags so fast that the boat takes flight.]
SpongeBob: Seatbelt! [stretches it and ties it around the entire boat] Belted! [The boat falls and the tires pop, sending it flipping backwards onto Squidward] Whoa! [comes out of the overturned boat and waves] Can I get my license now?
[The word "NO" is stamped on the screen.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] No.
[Text appears saying "#2 Entering Traffic"]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Now to our second lesson: entering traffic.
[Cut to Squidward, who has a black eye and a bump on his head as stars circle around him.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] As he begins his journey, Mr. Good Driver makes sure to watch carefully for oncoming boats.
[Squidward goes forward, and two lines of boats are in front of him. He looks to his sides, and the traffic clears up, leaving the road empty.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Only when the road is clear does he accelerate into traffic.
[Squidward looks to his sides, and no boats are coming. He inches forward. Suddenly, SpongeBob drives in from the left and crashes into him.]
SpongeBob: Beep beep!
[Squidward's boat smashes into a billboard that says "Yum! Dogs!" with a fish eating a hot dog, with his boat covering the hot dog.]
SpongeBob: [waving] Can I get my license now?
[The word "NO" is stamped on the screen again.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] No!
[Text appears saying "#3 Spotting Pedestrians"]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Lesson 3: spotting pedestrians.
[Squidward is driving on the road, now with a bandaged head, a bandage on his nose, two black eyes, and a scratched boat.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] There are several types of pedestrians, so Mr. Good Driver always keeps careful watch.
[Squidward puts on a safari hat and takes out binoculars, then starts looking around him. He sees an old lady doing acrobatics across the street.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Here we have the cunning little old lady.
[Squidward screams in surprise, then drives around her. He looks ahead and sees a baby in a carraige.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Ah, and the babbling baby in a buggy.
[The baby spits out its pacifier.]
Baby: [angry gibberish]
[Squidward swerves around the baby and continues driving. A starfish is seen with a cart of fruit.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] The common fruit vendor...
[Squidward pulls his boat up, and it goes over the fruit cart. Two worker fish come out of the sewer holding a pane of glass. They notice Squidward and begin sidestepping to avoid him.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] And, naturally, we see some workmen carrying a large pane of glass.
Squidward: How cliche!
[He notices a truck with two wooden boards as ramps behind it. He drives off of it to go clear over the workers, who gasp and watch. Sunglasses fall onto Squidward's face.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Mr. Good Driver may think he can let his guard down, but there's still one pedestrian waiting to strike.
[A trash can rumbles. SpongeBob's eyes peer out of it, and he jumps out onto the street with a pogo stick. He stops in front of Squidward, and the screen freezes with the caption "Poriferous Aggravatus."]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] The rare Poriferous Aggravatus. Commonly known as "a SpongeBob."
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward!
[Squidward screams and starts swerving, but SpongeBob keeps jumping in front of him.]
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward! Hi, Squidward! Hi, Squidward! Hi, Squidward!
[Squidward screams and notices the old lady from before. She flexes her muscles, and the boat crashes into her. She smashes it up and throws it into a garbage truck. SpongeBob gets off his pogo stick and jumps towards the screen.]
SpongeBob: Hey! Can I get my license now?
[Text appears saying "REEL MISSING." It switches to "#29 Navigation."]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Lesson 29: navigation.
[Squidward now has a neck brace and bandaged arms, and his boat is in worse condition.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Mr. Good Driver must obey various road signs. Here are just a few. [a sign with a tire appears] Speed bumps...
[Squidward drives over many speeds bumps in succession, sputtering as he does. A sign with three kids on it appears.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Slow children at play...
[Squidward runs into three children crossing the street. They move in slow-motion. Squidward gets impatient waiting for them to pass and drives around them. As he keeps driving, he sees a massive amount of road signs.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Sometimes even Mr. Good Driver may be overwhelmed with directions.
[Squidward panics and takes out a map as he heads onto the freeway.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Never read a road map while driving. That's something only a SpongeBob would do.
[Squidward laughs nervously and packs up the map. SpongeBob is heading the opposite direction, reading an open map. Passengers scream and swerve around him.]
SpongeBob: Hi, Squidward!
[Squidward screams and his boat collides with SpongeBob's. He is sent spinning out of control and slides off of an unfinished exit. His boat explodes, and the reel skips. Text displays "#53 Proper Passenger Etiquette."]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Lesson 53: proper passenger etiquette.
[Squidward now has his arm and head in a cast, with a blood drip hooked to his arm. His feet are bandaged. SpongeBob sits in the passenger seat.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Good driving also means being a good passenger. Never distract your driver.
SpongeBob: Guess what, Squidward? I'm gonna get my license today! [slides onto the dashboard] Mrs. Puff said at the end of the film, I'm gonna get it!
[Squidward can't see the road with SpongeBob blocking his view.]
Squidward: Oh, you're gonna "get it," alright! [shoves him into the backseat]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] It's also important not to be a backseat driver.
SpongeBob: Ooh! I can drive from the backseat?
[SpongeBob grabs Squidward's head brace and twists his neck, causing the boat to go out of control.]
Squidward: That's it! You're driving me crazy!
[The boat halts, and SpongeBob falls back into the passenger seat. Squidward starts driving again.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Finally, as a passenger, you must never play with the boat's control console.
SpongeBob: Ah, let's get some tunes goin' here!
[SpongeBob turns the radio on, and techno music plays, causing the boat to bump up and down and buildings' windows to break.]
SpongeBob: How about some AC?
[SpongeBob turns the AC to the left, causing a large blast of snow. He and Squidward look like snowmen.]
SpongeBob: Brrr! Too cold!
[He turns the AC to the right, causing a blast of flame that melts the snow. Squidward is burned, with three flames on his head brace.]
SpongeBob: Ooh, let me help you with that!
[As he goes to put out a flame, he grabs onto the gear stick and puts it into reverse. The boat speeds backwards. The children are still at play.]
Children: [slow-motion] Oh no!
[Squidward grabs the gear stick and puts the boat back into drive. SpongeBob giggles nervously, and Squidward growls and shoves him into the glove compartment.]
[Text appears saying "#54 Road Rage"]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Lesson 54: road rage.
[Squidward is driving angrily.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] Even Mr. Good Driver may be tempted to take his anger out on a fellow motorist...
[Patrick drives up and passes Squidward. Squidward gets angry, his head cast breaks off, his face goes red, and he slams on the gas pedal.]
Mrs. Puff: [narrating] In times like these, remember one simple word: RAGE. [the word appears as a caption] Relax And Go Elsewhere. [the rest of the text appears]
SpongeBob: [in glove compartment] Oh, I know this one! [lets himself out, buckles his seatbelt, and rubs Squidward's head] Let me help you relax, friend. Just breathe in... and out.
[Squidward does, and the redness from his face disappears.]
SpongeBob: That's it. [takes out tea] Now how about a relaxing cup of kelp tea?
[He pours the tea in Squidward's mouth. Squidward sighs and smiles.]
SpongeBob: Refreshing, right?
Squidward: Mmm-hmmm.
SpongeBob: Now, let's rake some sand.
[SpongeBob pours a bucket of sand on the dashboard. Squidward rakes a small spiral around a rock, then smile at each other.]
SpongeBob: There. Relaxed...
[Their boat is completely stopped. There is a long line of angry passengers behind it.]
SpongeBob: Maybe it's time to go elsewhere?
[Squidward tries to start the boat, but it sputters. A large trucker steps out of his truck and grabs Squidward, then winds up to punch him. Before he does, the film itself disintegrates, leaving nothing but a gray projector screen. Characters' shadows are seen as they talk.]
Mrs. Puff: This darn projector! Just when we were getting to the good part!
SpongeBob: Don't worry, Mrs. Puff! Let a good noodle handle that for ya!
Mrs. Puff: No, SpongeBob, that's okay!
[SpongeBob walks up to the screen and tries to pull it open. He gets sucked in headfirst, and his entire body takes up the screen.]
SpongeBob: Huh? Huh? [looks at screen] I'm ready for my close-up! [laughs]
Mrs. Puff: Get out of there!
SpongeBob: [nervously] Yes, ma'am!
[SpongeBob detaches himself from the projector.]
Mrs. Puff: Ugh! Well, I guess we can't finish the film... [walks off]
[The students start cheering.]
SpongeBob: B-b-but if we can't finish the film, we can't finish class!
[The students cheer again.]
SpongeBob: And if we can't finish class, then I can't get my license!
[The students cheer again.]
SpongeBob: I know! I'll finish the film myself!
[The students boo.]
[SpongeBob sticks his foot against the projector.]
SpongeBob: [narrating] And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! [scatting]
[SpongeBob holds up a poorly-made prop driver's license on a stick and waves it around.]
SpongeBob: [narrating] SpongeBob's boating license! SpongeBob was such an exemplary driver...
Mrs. Puff: [narrating, exasperated] Oh, please...
[The screen wraps up to show a City Hall backdrop. A cutout of SpongeBob sits on a throne.]
SpongeBob: [narrating] That a special ceremony was held in his honor at City Hall! It was a dream come true!
[A cutout of Mrs. Puff descends, holding a license.]
SpongeBob: [narrating] Mrs. Puff had deemed him worthy of the road!
[A poorly constructed model of SpongeBob holds up the license.]
SpongeBob: [narrating] He finally had a dazzling, genuine, full-sized boating license!
[A cutout of SpongeBob drives on top of a rotating image of Earth.]
SpongeBob: [narrating] Now, imbued with the power of good driving, [the Earth flips to reveal a peace sign] SpongeBob brought peace to the people of this troubled world!
[A cutout of SpongeBob drives up to a house, then throws a giant Krabby Patty at the person inside. The person's frown flips upside down and hearts appear.]
SpongeBob: [narrating] He delivered Krabby Patties to the hungry!
[Cutouts of a robber stealing a purse from an old lady are shown. SpongeBob's boat drives up, opens its front as a mouth, and a tongue grabs and eats the robber. The lady holds up her purse.]
SpongeBob: [narrating] He de-escalated petty crime!
[A cutout of SpongeBob pushes a frowning iceberg into another one, making them smile and hug.]
SpongeBob: [narrating] And he even kept the ice caps from melting!
[A cutout of SpongeBob stands in front of a heart backdrop.]
SpongeBob: [narrating] Yes, everyone loved SpongeBob more than ever now that he had his boating license! They all loved him sooo much! Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
[Cutouts of Mrs. Puff and Squidward start kissing SpongeBob. In the classroom, Mrs. Puff seethes in anger.]
Mrs. Puff: [angry] That is quite enough!
[She slams her fist into the light switch, causing the lights to come on and the switch to fall off. Cut to SpongeBob, surrounded by craft supplies, making the movie in front of the projector screen.]
Mrs. Puff: We'll resume the correct lesson next week. Class is dismissed. [clasps hands] Just remember what you learned today... [grabs cutouts] And no more of this nonsense!
[She wads up the cutouts and throws them into a fireplace.]
Students: Yes, Mrs. Puff.
[They rev up their desks like boats and drive out. SpongeBob is the last, and Mrs. Puff grabs him before he can leave the school. Mrs. Puff holds out her hand, and SpongeBob laughs nervously. He gives her his prop license, which she tears apart. Mrs. Puff kicks him out of the school.]
SpongeBob: Beep beep!
[Mrs. Puff glares at him and then slams the door shut, ending the episode.]