Valentine's Day/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Valentine's Day" from season 1, which aired on February 14, 2000.

[The episode opens with a distant view of Patrick's, Squidward's, and SpongeBob's houses on Conch Street in front of the pink sky surrounded by a heart-shaped coral nearby.]
SpongeBob: [opens his house door with a bunch of hearts in his arms] Happy Valentine's Day, Bikini Bottom! [throws hearts everywhere]
[The hearts transition to SpongeBob handing a heart to Squidward, but he rudely tears it up. Another transition shows SpongeBob giving one to Mrs. Puff who likes the heart, but her boat runs into a fire hydrant. Another transition to a dejected Plankton walking into one of SpongeBob's shoes. SpongeBob gives him a tiny heart using tweezers, who seems surprised at the heart. Another transition shows SpongeBob leaping over to Sandy's treedome.]
Sandy: Happy Valentine's Day, SpongeBob. I'm nuts for you. [gets out an heart-shaped acorn nut with an arrow stuck through it]
SpongeBob: [puts the acorn away and takes out a bottle of chocolate syrup] Well, I'm bubbles for you, Sandy. [blows a chocolate heart bubble]
Sandy: [opens a door on her helmet for the chocolate heart to go into, sticks her tongue out and closes her eyes, the chocolate heart lands and pops on her tongue as she eats it, and she licks her lips] Mmmm, chocolate. Mighty tasty. Patrick's gonna love the one you made for him.
[A giant chocolate hot air balloon with a simple Patrick drawing on it is shown. SpongeBob and Sandy run over to the balloon. Sandy gets into the basket]
Sandy: Take me through the plan again.
SpongeBob: Okay. [blows a chocolate carnival] Step one: [manly voice] Patrick and I get to the Valentine's Day carnival. [a chocolate SpongeBob and Patrick fly in and hop onto the carnival] [regular voice] Step two: [manly voice] I position Patrick and myself on top of the Ferris wheel. [both of them hop over to the Ferris wheel where it rides up to the top. Blows a chocolate hot air balloon] [regular voice] Step three: [manly voice] You arrive at designated checkpoint for maximum visual contact. [the balloon floats over above the carnival] [regular voice] Step four: [manly voice] Patrick is thrilled. Mission accomplished.
[Chocolate bursts all over the screen and transitions to Patrick with a Valentine's Day shirt and putting a big rock on the ground and pounds the rock into the shape of a heart and picks it up]
SpongeBob: [walks up behind Patrick] Hi, Patrick.
Patrick: [imagines the heart is talking to him] Hello?
SpongeBob: Patrick, it's me, SpongeBob.
Patrick: SpongeBob, what are you doing in there?
SpongeBob: Patrick!
Patrick: Oh, my gosh! Sponge...SpongeBob is stuck inside this rock! [screams] Hold on, buddy, I'll get you out! [smashes the rock into a pile of dirt] SpongeBob? SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Patrick...
Patrick: SpongeBob! [cries and rubs the pile of dirt against the side of his face] SpongeBob...!
SpongeBob: Patrick, I'm right behind you! [Patrick turns around]
Patrick: There you are. [holds the pile of dirt in his hands] Happy Valentine's Day! Here's your present.
SpongeBob: And I have a present for you!
Patrick: You do?
SpongeBob: It's the greatest... [Patrick gets excited] ...the bestest... [Patrick gets more excited] ...the most fantabulous... [Patrick gets even more excited] ...present ever! [bounces and rolls all around all excited and overjoyed] But you can't have it yet. [Patrick stops rolling and bouncing around]
Patrick: Huh? Why not?
SpongeBob: Because it's not ready yet.
Patrick: Is it ready now?
SpongeBob: Not yet.
Patrick: How about now?
SpongeBob: Do you want to ruin the surprise?
Patrick: Yes!
SpongeBob: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh!
Patrick: Oh, come on, please!
SpongeBob: Hmmm...nope, sorry.
Patrick: [grabs on to SpongeBob's legs and feet] You gotta tell me!
SpongeBob: No can do! [laughs] You'll just have to wait! [walks off with Patrick still hanging on his legs and feet]
Patrick: Please. Oh please... [still hanging on his legs we see SpongeBob walking through the middle of nowhere] ...please-please-please-please. Tell me-tell me-tell me. Please?!
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, here we are.
Patrick: [gasps as he sees the carnival] You got me a carnival? Mine! All mine, mine, mine, mine. [runs inside the carnival and SpongeBob runs in behind him] Mine, mine, mine! All right, everybody out! This is my carnival!
SpongeBob: It's not the carnival.
Patrick: Oh.
SpongeBob: [takes a quarter out of his pocket] Here, why don't you take this quarter and...
Patrick: [snatches it from SpongeBob] Oh my gosh, a quarter! I've always wanted a quarter!
SpongeBob: It's not the quarter.
Patrick: Oh.
SpongeBob: Now, take that quarter and buy some cotton candy... [Patrick interrupts and SpongeBob's finger deflates]
Patrick: Cotton candy! I can't believe it! [chases the cotton candy seller] Cotton candy!
Cotton Candy Seller: Hey, get away! Hey!
Sandy: Sandy to SpongeBob. [SpongeBob takes out a walkie-talkie where Sandy's voice is coming from] Sandy to SpongeBob. Come in, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Ten-four, Sandy, SpongeBob here. [we see Sandy closing in with the balloon on the carnival]
Sandy: [floating toward the carnival in the balloon] I got a visual on the carnival. You want me to bring her in?
SpongeBob: Ohh, not yet, Sandy. Patrick's still trying to guess what his Valentine is.
Sandy: [chuckles] You are such a kidder. Sandy out. That SpongeBob... [a group of orange flying oysters are heading toward the balloon] Scallops...chocolate-eating scallops!
Patrick: So if it's not cotton candy, then what is it? I can't take it!
SpongeBob: You'll have to guess!
Patrick: [points at a tent] This tent?
SpongeBob: No.
Patrick: [holds up Incidental 111 who is waiting in line for Heart-A-Whirl] This guy?
SpongeBob: No. [we see micro-organisms crawling around; it's Patrick's view through a microscope]
Patrick: This paramecium?
SpongeBob: [laughs] Nope.
Patrick: [giggles] Heh, you're a sly one. I can't find here in the carnival...because it's on top of Mount 'Climb Up and Fall Off'. [runs up the mountain and falls off then runs back to SpongeBob] It wasn't there either!
SpongeBob: Are you sure? [runs up the mountain and falls off again; SpongeBob uses his walkie-talkie to tell Sandy something] SpongeBob to Sandy, you can bring it in now. [Sandy is using a whip to shoo the scallops away]
Sandy: Uhh, SpongeBob, we got ourselves a little problem. I got a pack of chocolate-eating scallops trying to rustle the balloon! Hi-yah! Get away, you sweet-toothed varmints! Hi-yah! I'm going to be a little late!
SpongeBob: [gets worried] Late? But what about... [Patrick still jumping on and off mountain] ...Patrick?
Sandy: Hing-ya! Take him up to the Ferris wheel and I'll meet you there! Sandy out!
SpongeBob: [puts away the walkie-talkie] If Patrick doesn't get his valentine... [screams]
Patrick: [suddenly appears from behind, all bruised] I'm pretty sure it's not up there, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Patrick! Uhh, actually it's on the Ferris...
Patrick: Ferris wheel!
[Patrick grabs SpongeBob and runs toward the Ferris wheel. Bubble transition to the two on the Ferris wheel being brought to the top.]
Patrick: I'm ready for the greatest Valentine's present in the whole world now, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Well, this is where you're gonna get it...I hope. Just keep looking out there, pal. [SpongeBob talks to Sandy again on the walkie-talkie] SpongeBob to Sandy, SpongeBob to Sandy, come in, Sandy! [Sandy is still fighting the chocolate eating scallops]
Sandy: Sandy to SpongeBob, I got my ox in a ditch here! I'm way off course! The scallops are eating the balloon! They're everywhere! [One scallop bites the balloon and the air goes out and it floats down] Aw, shoot! We're going down, SpongeBob! Switch to plan B!
SpongeBob: [shocked] No, no, B, Sandy! "[but his walkie-talkie goes static]" No, B! Noooo! D'oh! [Patrick is smiling big waiting for his surprise] Uh, Patrick, you know how sometimes you plan something special and things don't just work out?
Patrick: No...no...eh-gee! Holy mackerel! Is it hot up here or what?! [rips off his shirt and starts chanting "Valentine!" while rocking the Ferris wheel seats back and forth and then jumping up and down, causing the Ferris wheel to jump up and down with them and then SpongeBob puts out his hand/arm when Patrick suddenly stops.]
SpongeBob: Patrick, here it is! [Patrick stares at SpongeBob's hand/arm]
Patrick: What's that?
SpongeBob: It's a handshake... a friendly handshake.
Patrick: A handshake? That's the big gift? You got me a handshake?
SpongeBob: A friendly handshake. Happy Valentine's Day!
[Patrick pauses then shakes SpongeBob's hand, stares at it, and makes a grumpy looking face. SpongeBob laughs and the Ferris wheel descends. Montage: At the Buddy Bounce, SpongeBob is happily jumping while Patrick is still looking at his hand with the same grumpy look. At the roller coaster, SpongeBob is happily raising his hands while Patrick is still looking at his hand with the same grumpy look. At the fun house, SpongeBob is happily jumping as the air blows his head upwards separate from his pants while Patrick is simply grumpily walking as the air just blows his pants. Bubble transition to them sitting in the bench.]
Patrick: [sighs and stops grumpily looking at his hand] I've been thinking. At first, a handshake doesn't seem like much, but really it's the thought that counts… [Incidental 8 walks up with a box shaped like a heart full of chocolates in her arms]
Incidental 8: Hey, SpongeBob, I just wanted to thank you for this box of chocolates.
SpongeBob: Uh, no problem, Fran. [Incidental 8 walks off]
Patrick: And even though I was expecting more... [Dave walks up with roses]
Incidental 42: Thanks for the roses, SpongeBob. Happy Valentine's Day.
SpongeBob: You too, Dave. [Incidental 42 walks off]
Patrick: And not that it matters that we've been friends for so long... [Incidental 49 walks by with a bike]
Incidental 49: Hey, SpongeBob, thanks for the bike! [talking to Patrick] Can you believe this guy? I just met him this morning! [Incidental 49 walks away, and Patrick begins to fume]
Patrick: So as I was saying...
Incidental 27: Uh, excuse me, do you guys have the time?
Patrick: [turns red in anger, snaps and yells with rage, which is followed by him picking up and throwing Incidental 27 across the screen, shocking SpongeBob] Patrick needs love, too! [Patrick goes psycho freaky. A crashing sound is heard. He furiously bangs his stomach like a gorilla, grunts angrily as he runs closer towards the screen, angrily approaches a balloon cart, then furiously cuts the balloon strings from a salesman and furiously smashes the balloon cart with his buttocks. Cut to scene where children play with a guy in a heart suit; the children run off as Patrick approaches] I defy you, heart man! [angrily rips the suit in half and continues his rampage]
P.A. System: Attention, everyone, there's a chubby pink starfish on the loose! [everyone runs screaming; Patrick sees a twirl-around ride that has hearts on it and goes mad over it]
Patrick: "Heart on stick must die![goes to the pole and tries to pick it up; gives up eventually in tiredness; Patrick sees Incidental 141 eating a heart-shaped lollipop and turns red in anger] Heart on stick must die! [grabs it, breaks it, and stuffs it in his mouth. Incidental 141 screams as Patrick takes the lollipop.]
SpongeBob: [gasps; gets mad] Patrick!
Patrick: [turns around with an evil look on his face; angrily grumbles gibberish in a barbaric manner, making everyone scared and run to a dead-end at the Goo Lagoon dock; Patrick roars with rage]
[Everyone gets scared.]
Patrick: Give me SpongeBob! [SpongeBob is thrown in front of the group of citizens]
SpongeBob: [laughs nervously]
Patrick: You broke my heart! Now I'm gonna break something of yours!
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, I know I deserve this. [notes the crowd] But, do they?
Patrick: They didn't get me anything either! [They throw a pile of gifts at Patrick's feet] Nope, it's too late for that now... for all of you!
[He menacingly walks towards the crowd. The citizens take a step back and SpongeBob is scared; Patrick's shadow looms over SpongeBob's horrified face as he prepares to face the inevitable as Patrick roars and growls maniacally. Suddenly, Sandy arrives just in time behind Patrick with the repaired balloon and whipping at the scallops]
Sandy: Yee-haw! Get along, little shellfish! Gallop, you scallops! [whipping the scallops as she lands in the carnival with the balloon right behind Patrick and letting the scallops go]
SpongeBob: [smiles, relieved] Yeah! Sandy's here! Woo-hoo! Look, Patrick, it's here! It's here! The best Valentine in the whole wide world is right behind you! [jumping up and down pointing behind Patrick]
Patrick: [ignores SpongeBob] Sure it is.
SpongeBob: [jumping] I'm telling you, it's right there! Turn around!
Patrick: Uh-uh.
SpongeBob: [desperately] Patrick, just turn around! [Patrick still wouldn't listen. Everyone is yelling at Patrick to turn around, but he doesn't]
Crowd: Turn around! You nincompoop! Why you!
Patrick: You must think I'm pretty dumb, huh?!
Crowd: Yes! Turn around!
Patrick: No!
Crowd: [chanting] Turn around! Turn around!
Patrick: Nuh-uh! I'm gonna say this once and I'm not going to say it again, so pay attention! I am not, I repeat, not going to turn around for any reason... ever!
Sandy: Howdy, Patrick!
Patrick: [turns around] Hi, Sandy! [notices the chocolate balloon, then is confused and speaks gibberish]
SpongeBob: Happy Valentine's Day, Patrick! [Patrick jumps for joy and jumps on the balloon]
Patrick: Yay! My valentine! Hey, is this solid chocolate?
SpongeBob: Patrick, no! [Patrick bites the balloon and chocolate explodes everywhere. SpongeBob and Patrick are in the mess]
Patrick: Aw, SpongeBob... You didn't have to get me anything. [Fade to black as the episode ends.]