The Paper/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Paper" from season 1, which aired on February 14, 2000.

[The episode opens with Squidward coming out of his house, setting up a lawn chair, and sitting in it.]
Squidward: Ah, time to relax. [takes out some gum and puts it in his mouth. He throws the gum wrapper away in front of SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob's pineapple moves forward closer to the wrapper and he opens the door]
SpongeBob: [gasps] Squidward!
Squidward: [spits out the gum] Well, time to go. [folds up the lawn chair and walks to his front door, but SpongeBob stops him]
SpongeBob: Squidward! Squidward, wait!
Squidward: Now what?
SpongeBob: You dropped this little piece of paper.
Squidward: Yeah, so what?
SpongeBob: I just figured you probably want it back.
Squidward: What's the big deal? It's only garbage.
SpongeBob: Garbage?! But, Squidward, in the right hands, this paper is a gold mine of entertainment. A spectacular afternoon of underwater fun. A treasure trove of...
Squidward: ...garbage! [walks inside his house]
SpongeBob: So you don't want it?
Squidward: Right. [closes door]
SpongeBob: Does that mean I can have it?
Squidward: Yes, by all means, take it! [the phone rings. Picks it up] Hello?
SpongeBob: You sure?
Squidward: Yes! For the final time, I don't want that paper. It's yours forever and ever! [hangs up and sighs. SpongeBob appears from under the table where the phone is. Squidward screams]
SpongeBob: So are you definitely, positively sure?
Squidward: Get out!
SpongeBob: But are you...
Squidward: [screaming] Get out! [kicks SpongeBob out]
SpongeBob: Last chance to change your mind, Squidward.
Squidward: Take it, SpongeBob. Take it, please. And promise me, no matter how much I may beg, and plead, and cry, don't give that paper back to me...ever!
SpongeBob: So, I take that as a possible no? Squidward? Squidward? Squidward? [Squidward closes the door] Okay, Squidward, that's a promise I'll just have to keep. Ah, Mr. Paper, I am so lucky to have a friend like Squidward.
Squidward: [walking up to his clarinet] SpongeBob... [SpongeBob is laughing outside. Squidward tries to play his clarinet, but Squidward gets annoyed by SpongeBob's laughter, so he peeks out the window] What in the world are you giggling about?
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Squidward, it's just... [giggles] ...it's just that I'm thinking of all the fun I'm going to have with this piece of paper! [Squidward walks back and picks up his clarinet]
Squidward: How can anyone have fun with just a piece of paper? [plays his clarinet, but has to stop due to SpongeBob's laughter continuing] Ohh...what can he possibly be doing with that paper?! [peeks out his window again and SpongeBob is running around with the piece of paper high, above his head]
SpongeBob: La, la, la, la, la. Gary, watch this! [twists his lower part of his body around and puts the piece of paper in it so it hangs out. Turns his lower body around] Guess what I am.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Well, yes, Gary, I am a sponge with paper stuck in his pants, but I'm also... [deep voice] Super Sponge, soaking up crime. [normal voice] See? Here's my cape. [blows on the piece of paper to make it look like a cape in the wind]
Squidward: Super-moron's more like it.
SpongeBob: Now I'm... [jumps into the air out of his pants. He is now naked with a paper for a loincloth] SpongeBob JunglePants! [does Tarzan impression]
Squidward: Oh, boy.
[SpongeBob swings on a vine and lands on his pineapple house]
SpongeBob: Ugh. SpongeBob JunglePants summon animal friends. [roars like a lion, makes bird calls, makes a raspberry, makes horn noises, dolphin noises and seal noises]
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: You're right, Gary. I'm not a jungle boy. I'm a box of army supplies, [jumps off his pineapple with his clothes back on] bringing relief to the hungry troops! [has the paper act as a parachute and floats down to the ground. We see Squidward watching from a safe distance] Landing just in time for the bullfight! [waves the paper in front of Gary] Toro, toro, Gary! Toro, toro! Toro, Gary, toro... [pushes Gary across with his foot] Hey, ole! Now for some impressions. A guy with a mustache. [puts the piece of paper over his upper lip, where a mustache would be] Look at me, I'm a guy with a mustache. A pirate with an eye patch. [puts the paper over one of his eyes] Arrgh, I'm a pirate. A regular guy with an eye patch. [puts the paper over his eye again] Arrgh, I am not a pirate.
Squidward: Do a big yellow idiot with a stupid piece of paper. [SpongeBob is rolling the piece of paper on the top of his head. Then he sucks in the paper through one of his holes. Blows it in and out of his holes] How did he do that?
SpongeBob: Look, Gary, oral-gami. [puts the paper in his mouth and sticks his tongue out with a bird shape for the paper]
Kids: Bird! Yay! [SpongeBob does it again and comes out as a snowflake] Snowflake, yay! [SpongeBob does it again and comes out as a doll] Paper dolls, yay!
Squidward: Hey, that little paper does seem like fun. [puts his hand over his mouth] What am I saying?! I am such an idiot. [laughs] SpongeBob, honestly, and his dumb paper. He calls that fun? [goes back home, opens up a magazine and starts reading it] Now, reading 'Boring Science Digest,' that's fun. [laughs at what the magazine says inside] Erosion. [laughs] Mitosis. [SpongeBob laughs. Bubble transition, Squidward is bathing] See, I can have fun taking a bath. [the paper comes flying through the window as an airplane and flies around Squidward a couple times as SpongeBob makes airplane noises. The paper then pauses mid-flight to "shoot" a rubber duck in the tub as SpongeBob imitates a machine gun before it flies back out the window. The rubber duck sinks under the water. Later, Squidward is painting] Painting fruit, there's nothing more fun than painting fruit. This is more fun than anything. [SpongeBob is laughing outside. Squidward paints and looks outside at the same time. To his surprise, he paints himself with the piece of paper over his nose. When he notices this, he angrily tears up his painting, throws it on the easel and fruit bowl and stomps them on the floor] I'll prove to him that paper is not fun! [runs outside and whistles while playing paddleball] I'm having fun, la-la-la...
SpongeBob: [bouncing the piece of paper off his nose like it was a paddleball] Isn't this great? La-la-la-la-la... [jumps up and down] La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
Squidward: Okay, SpongeBob, top this one. [takes out a ventriloquist doll that looks exactly like him] Hey, Lil' Squidward, what's gray and ugly and has six arms?
Lil' Squidward: I don't know, but have you looked in the mirror lately?
Squidward: What? What did you...? [SpongeBob laughs]
SpongeBob: Oh, that's a good one, Squidward, now let me try. [folds the paper in half] Have you heard any good jokes, Mr. Paper?
Paper: What happened to the paper that fell in the ocean?
SpongeBob: I don't know, what happened to the paper that fell in the ocean?
Paper: It was all washed up! [a bunch of people come up and laugh with SpongeBob then leave. Squidward runs off]
SpongeBob: La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la...
[Bubble transition to Squidward riding a shell mobile.]
Squidward: Haha, I'm having so much fun with my new shell-cart. Ah-haha. Hey, SpongeBob, can your stupid paper do this? [SpongeBob comes down with the paper acting as the propellers of a helicopter]
SpongeBob: Nope. [flies away while Squidward drives his shell-cart through the side of his house. Then he comes out with his clarinet]
Squidward: Well, you can't play music with a piece of paper! [plays 'Mary Had a Little Lamb' off-key. Little black musical note symbols fall out of the clarinet as he plays]
SpongeBob: [applauding] Hooray! Hooray! That was great, Squidward. All those wrong notes you played made it sound more original.
Squidward: What? I didn't play any wrong notes. [plays the song off-key again. Little black musical note symbols also fall off as he plays]
SpongeBob: Yeah, see, you're playing it like this... [plays his piece of paper as the clarinet with the note symbols coming out] ...when ordinarily it goes like this... [plays the song on-key at B♭ Major] I'm partial to doing it in the key of A-minor myself. [plays a jazzy song with higher notes. A music sheet appears as he plays. Squidward somehow sees the music sheet. Music sheet disappears after finishing the song.] Ah, nothing like a duet between buddies, eh, Squidward?
Squidward: [grabs the paper but SpongeBob holds onto it] Give me my paper back! Now let go of it. I said let go of it! [SpongeBob still holding on to it] Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go... [jumps up and down]
SpongeBob: I can't!
Squidward: What do you mean you can't? [SpongeBob moves Squidward's hand off the piece of paper]
SpongeBob: I can't! You made me promise no matter how much you begged, and pleaded, and cried, not to give the paper back to you, ever!
Squidward: I never said anything like that!
SpongeBob: Sure you did, Squidward, look. [folds the paper a few times to make it look like a flip-book to what Squidward said earlier in the day]
Squidward: [in the flip-book] Take it, SpongeBob. Take it, please. And promise me, no matter how much I may beg and plead and cry, don't give that paper back to me… ever!
SpongeBob: Wanna see it again?
Squidward: No, I don't wanna see it again! Just give me that paper!
SpongeBob: Sorry, Squidward, I am sworn to a promise. [walks off] Maybe I should get going.
Squidward: Wait, wait, maybe we can trade for something. [looks around for something to trade] Yeah-yeah, something, something... [reaches in his pocket and takes out something] A-ha, wait up, SpongeBob! Wait! Hold on there, chum. [chuckles] I'm going to make you an offer. [SpongeBob looks to see what he has, which is revealed to be a rubberband and tiny bits of pocket lint]
SpongeBob: Wow, pocket lint! You drive a hard bargain, Squidward. Paper for lint, hmmm...
Squidward: Not the lint, the rubber band!
SpongeBob: The rubber band? Do I dare?
Squidward: Oh, dare, dare!
SpongeBob: [begins to reach for it] Okay... [stops] Oh, I get it. You're just testing me. Don't worry, Squidward, I won't let you down. A promise is a promise.
Squidward: Listen, you! [puts his nose against SpongeBob's nose] You are not going anywhere until we strike a deal. [Later, Squidward is bringing a TV over to SpongeBob's side in a wheelbarrow] Gotta get that paper. [walks back to get more stuff]
SpongeBob: Squidward? [keeps walking back and forth with more stuff]
Squidward: Trade... [walks back]
SpongeBob: Hey, listen... [Squidward brings his house over]
Squidward: Everything must go! Well, that's the last of it. [all of Squidward's possessions are beside SpongeBob's house] I've given you everything but the shirt off my back. [SpongeBob looks at the paper]
SpongeBob: Oh, Squidward, is this still part of the test? Because it's... [starts crying] it's really getting harder and harder to keep my promise!
Squidward: [sadly] Okay, the shirt! [takes his shirt off] Take it! Take my shirt!
SpongeBob: Squidward's shirt. I've always loved that shirt. Okay, okay, I'll trade! [puts the shirt on] I can break a promise for this. Squidward, do you want your other stuff, ‘cause this is all I'll need?
Squidward: You can have all that junk, 'cause now I've got this! I've got the paper, and you've got my useless garbage. [puts the paper on his butt and waves it at SpongeBob] I got it! [laughs] And you can't have it. [runs around SpongeBob] I got it, you're a sucker. You're a sucker, sucker! [laughs, and runs back over to where his house used to be] At last, what should we try first, Mr. Paper? Impressions! A guy with a piece of paper on his nose. [puts the paper on his nose] Look at me! I'm a guy with a piece of paper... on his... nose. Hm... A-ha! Wait, wait, wait, wait... [puts the paper in his mouth and sticks his tongue out, revealing a wadded up piece of paper that is wet] Ta-dah!
Children: Boo!
Squidward: [takes the piece of paper off his tongue and dries off it.] Okay, okay, uh... helicopter! [puts the piece of paper on his fingers] Gentlemen, start your engines. I'm flying! Oh yeah, I'm flying! I'm flying! That's right, that's right, here we go now. [bends up and down, trying to fly] I'm flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying, flying... [sighs in exhaustion] ...flying. [SpongeBob is looking at himself in the mirror with Squidward's shirt on him while Gary is playing his clarinet] Wait, more impressions. A guy throwing a piece of paper on the ground! [throws it on the ground] A guy stomping on the piece of paper [stomps on the paper, then picks it up] I'm a guy who traded everything he owns for a...
Patrick: [walks up to Squidward chewing gum] A worthless piece of paper. [grabs the paper] Hey, thanks, it's just what I needed, Squidward. [blows a gum bubble then puts the gum on the piece of paper and throws it behind him in the garbage can. Then he walks away, towards SpongeBob's house] Nice shirt, SpongeBob. [laughs]
[The wind whistles.]
Squidward: Anybody have any sunscreen? [The episode ends with a fade out to black.]