Upturn Girls/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Upturn Girls" from season 13, which aired on May 13, 2022.

[The episode opens at the Krusty Krab. There is a long line of customers, and Mr. Krabs is standing at the register, humming happily and writing on a notepad. The order window is completely stuffed with papers.]
Fish: Hey, let's go! Come on!
Mr. Krabs: [Mr. Krabs tears off a paper and is about to put it through the order window, but notices that it is full.] Hm? [He pushes them away and looks into the kitchen.] Hey! What's the hold-up in there? You're acting like you've never cooked a Krabby Patty before. [He rings the bell twice with his eyestalks. The camera zooms out to show Pearl at the grill, holding two patties while buns are on the grill.]
Pearl: Yeah, Dad, that's because I never have cooked a Krabby Patty before. Why are you making me do this? [She puts two patties between two buns.]
Mr. Krabs: Because today is bring--I mean, put your daughter to work day. Besides, SpongeBob is busy deep cleaning the barrel chairs.
[SpongeBob is scrubbing the inside of a chair, which a blue fish is sitting on.]
Fish: [disgusted] Do you mind?
SpongeBob: [happily] Oh no, not at all!
Pearl: [Pearl walks up, holding her Krabby Patty on a plate.] Here's your food or whatever. [She drops it on the table.] Oh, hi, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Hi, Pearl. Isn't this just the best job ever? [He flutters his eyelashes. He is suddenly pulled towards the chair by something inside. He struggles and bounces backwards, but sees his left arm missing. He crawls back to the chair and looks inside, only for his arm to poke back out.]
Narlene: [coming out of the barrel] How-dy, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: [happy] Narlene! [looking around] Hey, where's your brother, Nobby?
[Pearl is filing her nails. A customer's chair starts vibrating, and Nobby stands up, carrying it on his head.]
Nobby: [tipping chair] Ma'am.
Narlene: Me and Nobby was just on our way to the big city, so we thought we'd take you up on your offer [whips SpongeBob's arm over his head] to show us the sights. [She scratches her arm with SpongeBob's hand.]
SpongeBob: Ooh, I'd love to! [takes out a brochure labeled "Bikini Bottom" and flips through it] We can say hi to my favorite fire hydrant, [shows page, then flips through brochure] and then we can see the old man that feeds the clams, [shows page, then flips through brochure] and then [shows page with a sticky note labeled "Cool Rock," and a picture of a rock, but then suddenly realizes something and stops]--no. [flips through brochure, then throws it away] I can't abandon these lovely people.
[Cut to a close-up of various grotesque Krusty Krab patrons. Chewing and burping is heard.]
Pearl: [a lightbulb forms over her blowhole] Ooh, then why don't I show you around the big city? I don't care about these people.
Narlene: Little Pearly's gonna take us on an adventure? [slaps her knee with SpongeBob's hand] Hot dippity!
Pearl: Anything to get out of this place. [clapping] It'll be a whale's day out!
Nobby: [takes Pearl's employee hat and puts it on his head, then salutes] Hard day's work! [He jumps over to a Krusty Krab patron and shoves her Krabby Patty in her mouth, then makes her chew.]
Narlene: Nobby says he's fixing to stay and help SpongeBob with the hungry folk. So, Pearl, looks like we got ourselves a deal! [spits on her foot and sticks out to Pearl]
Pearl: [disgusted, but shakes her foot] Okay...
Narlene: This'll be great. Two whale gals reconnoitering the big city together! [Pearl wipes her hand on a disgusted customer's back.]
Pearl: If we want to do that [making air quotes] "noitering" thing in the city, I'll need an advance on my allowance.
[Krabs is taking a customer's money at the register. The screen shakes as Pearl runs up.]
Pearl: Oh, Daddy! [sticks out her hand]
Mr. Krabs: [sighs sadly, then takes out a wooden card] Alright, here you go.
Pearl: Ugh, Dad, we can't have a whale's day out [a close-up of the card is accompanied with a sad trumpet noise] with your balsa wood card. [takes his wallet and pulls out a diamond card] We need the diamond unlimited! [the card sparkles as a harp plays]
Mr. Krabs: [defeated] My diamond...
[In downtown Bikini Bottom, Narlene and Pearl ride on a plastic scuba diver figure.]
Narlene: I never took the Scuber before, but it sure is mighty convenient. 'Preciate the lift. [She and Pearl jump off, and the Scuber paddles away. Narlene has stepped in some chewing gum.] Huh? I'll be! These city streets is paved with chewing candy. [lifts her foot up] I'm saving you as a souvenir! [She takes the gum and eats it, then notices other gum on the street. She steps on all of it in sequence, then sticks her foot in her mouth.] Tasty!
Pearl: Uh, the city also has a lot of things in it that aren't gross.
Narlene: Really? [grabs Pearl to her side] Oh, like these fancy shacks here? [the camera zooms out to show a tall building labeled "Sārdell Bldg."]
Pearl: Yeah, these are skyscrapers. [camera pans up to reveal the top of the building literally tearing through the sky]
Narlene: And that? [She points to three miserable-looking business fish standing at a bus station. A bus runs by and splashes water on them.]
Pearl: That's public transportation! [They walk away. The "Bus Stop" sign falls and hits one of the fish on the head.]
Business fish: Ow!
[A construction worker uses his jackhammer on a pothole.]
Narlene: What's he doin'?
Pearl: [covering her ears] Street construction! [They run away. The construction worker blows on the hole, then walks away, clapping his hands once.]
Construction worker: Heh heh! [A bus runs over the pothole and flips over, then explodes. A tire bounces over Narlene and Pearl, who duck.]
Narlene: Why, it's like walking through a TV show!
[SpongeBob is cooking at the Krusty Krab. He takes his hat off and wipes his head.]
SpongeBob: Phew! [puts his hat back on, then looks at the grill] Ahh! [an alarm goes off] Huh? [The deep fryer's timer beeps.] Uh-oh, the fries! [SpongeBob reaches towards it.] If only I could reach them...
Nobby: [washing SpongeBob's employee hats and hanging them on a clothesline] Huh? [Nobby jumps over to the deep fryer and lifts it. He carries it over to SpongeBob, then drops it behind him.]
SpongeBob: Oh! [is bounced by the impact of the fryer hitting the ground] Wow, thanks, Nobby! [He lifts up a basket of fries while grilling at the same time.] Now if only the condiments were closer. [Nobby drops the condiment table to his right.]
Nobby: Here you go! [babbling]
SpongeBob: [laughs, then squirts ketchup and mustard on a patty] Too bad the bun rack is on the other side of the room! [Nobby pushes the bun rack to SpongeBob's left. He is completely boxed in, and cooks rapidly. Nobby begins moving other furniture towards him.] Oh, yeah! This is what I call fast food!
[Downtown, a big building is seen. Pearl and Narlene look up at it.]
Pearl: This is my favorite department store and, like, the heart of the big city: [they run up to the entrance] Upturn's! [Pearl opens the door and motions inside. Many fancy-looking fish are seen walking around. Pearl walks inside, and Narlene follows, but stops once she notices the automatic glass door.]
Narlene: Huh? Ooh! [She sticks her foot out and opens the door. She pulls it back, and the door closes. She does this repeatedly, crushing a customer between the doors.] These here automatic doors sure is frilly, but we hillfolk do things a little more polite-like. [She rips off one of the doors.] Right this way, sir!
Crushed customer: [groans "thank you" and crawls inside]
[Lady Upturn is standing besides Narlene, watching the customer crawl. She turns to Narlene.]
Lady Upturn: Excuuuuse me? What do you think you're doing?
Narlene: Uh, holdin' the door? Here, you try! [She drops the door on Lady Upturn, crushing her. Pearl walks in.]
Pearl: [concerned] Narlene, that's Lady Upturn! [She flips the door and helps Lady Upturn get up, then laughs nervously.] I'm so sorry. She's new in town. [takes out her diamond card] But we'll be good shoppers, I swear! [Lady Upturn inspects the card with a diamond-studded magnifier.]
Lady Upturn: Hmm, yes. Carry on, [patting their heads] my little consumers. [grabs their shirts] But here at Upturn's, we take shopping seriously.
Narlene and Pearl: [nodding] Okay. [They sprint off.]
[Pearl and Narlene go to Upturn'd Nose, a perfume department.]
Pearl: Welcome to the perfume department!
[Narlene looks through various perfume bottles. An employee blows out a puff of pink perfume from a small bottle, which Narlene inhales.]
Narlene: [coughing, then sneezes] Phew-wee! I think something done died up in here.
Pearl: Died [jumps onto a perfume cloud and twirls in mid-air] and went to heaven! [She sinks into the cloud and rides it around.] Yeah! [inhales the perfume] Aaah, ambergris!
Narlene: I-- [A shark salesman appears and sprays perfume in her mouth, making her choke. She rubs her tongue in disgust, and the salesman smiles.] Why, you!
Salesman: Yeeeeeees?
Narlene: [angry] What's your problem?
Salesman: I've got a clean up on aisle [flicks Narlene's horn] you. [plugs his nose] Perhaps another sample spritz?
Narlene: [walking away] Sorry, but I ain't too 'ticular about that stench.
Salesman: [uninterested] Ehh.
Narlene: Besides, I carry my own signature stench! [Pearl sprays a bottle of perfume and smells it, but then stops in shock.]
Pearl: Huh?
Narlene: [takes out a large mushroom] Toadstool tang! [she squeezes it and creates a green stench cloud that covers the screen] Ya-hoo!
Salesman: [smells it and melts] My nose! [The cloud flies over Pearl, who ducks. Various other shoppers smell it, cough, and melt.] The horrible stench!
Shoppers: [coughing, screaming]
[Everyone runs out of Upturn'd Nose, followed by the cloud. Narlene follows them, but Pearl grabs her and runs in a different direction.]
Pearl: Come on, we better cheese it!
[Cut to a changing room. Pearl comes out, wearing a blue dress like Lady Upturn's.]
Pearl: [imitating Lady Upturn] What do you think about this cool dress?
Narlene: [her head comes out of a Lady Upturn mannequin] I don't know. It's kinda constricting.
[A ding noise is heard. Pearl and Narlene laugh. A female voice comes over a loudspeaker.]
Announcer: Attention, Upturn's shoppers. There's a sale in the shoe department. Tenth floor.
Pearl: Come on! [she runs off and grabs Narlene]
[They take the elevator from the 3rd floor to the 10th. Pearl runs out and stops suddenly.]
Pearl: So. Many. Shoes! [Pan over to fancy-looking fish trying on shoes. Pearl smiles, but Narlene is confused.]
Narlene: Huh? [The shark salesman jams a fish's large foot into a small slipper.] Hoo? [The salesman welds a metal boot onto a customer's foot.] Huh!? [The salesman tightens a shoelace with his teeth, causing the wearer's leg to turn red. He winks at Narlene. Narlene hops on one foot to Pearl.] Uh... no offense, Pearly girl, uh, but [shot of Narlene's bare feet] my feet don't cotton much to shoes.
Salesman: As the saying goes, [takes out a measuring tape] there's a tiny shoe for every giant foot [He whips Narlene with the tape measure, causing her to spin around and sit on a small chair. He puts the tape measure on Narlene's foot.] May I?
Narlene: Well, uh... [The salesman pulls up a box and takes out a red slipper.] Well, if the shoe fits! [Her foot walks up to the shoe, but then tears it to shreds like a dog.]
Salesman: You slaughtered my stiletto!
Narlene: Sorry. [shrugs] I told you.
Salesman: [looks at Narlene and Pearl] Wait a minute. I know you two. You're those hooligans! [Pan over to a phone and a black-and-white photo of Narlene and Pearl. The salesman runs over and grabs the phone.] It's those wily whales! Code red! [an alarm goes off, and the screen is tinted with a red-black filter.]
[Pearl and Narlene look at each other, then run off. They leave the escalator, and the salesman looks out from behind it.]
Salesman: Ha ha! [He runs after them, stopping them outside of a closing store. Security guards jump out from behind some mannequins]
Security guards: Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut hut![...] [A flower pot breaks, revealing a guard inside. A fancy-looking waiter explodes to reveal two guards stacked on top of each other. Guards descend from the ceiling on ropes, with one spinning rapidly. Lady Upturn is standing at the top of the stairs, and a spotlight shines on her.]
Pearl: Aah! Lady Upturn! [clasps hands] I'm Sorry! Narlene and I were just having some fun!
Lady Upturn: Fun? [descends the stairs] Shopping isn't supposed to be fun. Fortunately for me, [points at them] you'll never be shopping here again!
Pearl: But I had the diamond unlimited card! [cries]
Security guards: [brandishing weapons] Hut, hut, hut, hut, hut, hut! [...]
Narlene: [alarm dings] Come on, let's get! [She and Pearl run into an elevator, and end up on top of the building. They run to the edge, but notice the far drop down. A VIP elevator opens, and the security guards come out, followed by Lady Upturn.]
Security guards: Hut, hut, hut, hut! [...]
Lady Upturn: You, young ladies, do not belong here. Especially [points to Narlene] her.
Narlene: [confused] Uh?
Pearl: So what if my friend doesn't do things the way city people do? At least she's not a stuck-up snob like [points] you!
Lady Upturn: [offended] Oh!
Pearl: Besides, we cetacean sisters always stick together! [She squeezes Narlene, causing her to stick out her tongue, which has a wad of gum on it. She smiles at Narlene.]
Narlene: [happy] Ah!
[Pearl takes the gum and sticks it in her blowhole. She starts straining and puffs it up.]
Lady Upturn: [surprised] Oh!
[Pearl's gum bubble blows up more, lifting her and Narlene into the air.]
Narlene: Yee-haw!
[The shark salesman, dressed as a security guard, blows a whistle three times.]
Narlene: Ha ha! Whoa! [The security guards, and the salesman, have grabbed onto Narlene.]
Pearl: Whoa, oh! [She takes out her diamond card, and drops it. The salesman whistles as it falls by him, and the guards fall down.]
Lady Upturn: [screams] Diamond unlimited! [She jumps off the edge of the building and yells. She falls into a pile of guards, but weakly holds up the diamond card.] I've got it!
[A wad of gum appears through the Krusty Krab ceiling, which pops to reveal Pearl and Narlene, who fall to the floor.]
Pearl: [blows bubbles out of her blowhole] Huh? Ah, [a Krabby Patty hits a nearby customer] ah!
Nobby: [throws Krabby Patties at customers and babbles] Huh! Huh! [throws one, which hits the glass behind Narlene] My bad! [Narlene whistles with her fingers. Nobby runs towards her, babbling excitedly.]
Narlene: Awww! [Nobby hugs her tightly, then lets go.] Looks like they worked you like a horse.
Nobby: Yeah! [His head morphs into a horse's head. He eats a sugar cube out of Narlene's hands.]
Narlene: Aww! [Nobby laughs. Pearl walks up, and Narlene slaps her on the back.] Thanks for the whale's day out, Pearl, but the big city's more trouble than it's worth. Next time, you're coming to the [slaps her playfully] countryside!
Pearl: [excited] Yeah! Let's do that sometime! [They kick their feet together a few times.]
Mr. Krabs: [comes out of his office with a long bill] Pearl! What's the deal with all these charges at Upturn's?
Pearl: Why wait? Let's go to the countryside right now! [She and Narlene jump on Nobby's back. Pearl uses her hairband like a bridle, and Nobby bucks like a horse.] Goodbye, Daddy! See you real soon.
Narlene: Sooner than ya think!
Mr. Krabs: [screams, then runs after them waving his arms] Wait, wait! Where do you think you're going? You can't go away now!
[Cut to SpongeBob, who is completely buried under a pile of rubble in the Krusty Krab kitchen.]
SpongeBob: Hello? Anybody there?
[The episode ends.]