The Abrasive Side/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Abrasive Side" from season 7, which aired on November 27, 2010.

[It is night time in Bikini Bottom. A scallop crows like a rooster. The sun comes up. A fish walks by and steps on SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: I believe I was in line first. [gets up] I spent the night! That's how you get the best spot around here! [folds his blanket like a paper airplane and throws it back home. The blanket unfolds and lands on his bed. SpongeBob puts on his tie and pulls it down, revealing his pants] I'm meeting my best friend for an exciting day at Glove World! [takes out tickets] See? "Glove World!" I promised Patrick we'd be first in line for the first bus to Glove World!
Fish #1: Hmm, interesting stuff. Say, do you mind if I cut in front of you?
SpongeBob: But I spend the night so that I could... uh... Okay, I guess. [Another fish cuts in front of him as many more fish start cutting]
Fish #2: Excuse me.
Fish #3: Pardon me.
Fish #4: Move it! [soon enough, SpongeBob is in the back of the line. Bubble transition]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! Are you ready to... [gasps] SpongeBob, you promised firsties!
SpongeBob: I'm sorry, Patrick. But, we'll still be on the first bus to Glove World!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yay! [the bus arrives, and Sandy comes with a bag of groceries]
SpongeBob: Glove World! Glove World! Glove World!
Sandy: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Sandy!
Sandy: Howdy, little buddy! I need your help with an experiment!
SpongeBob: Gosh, Sandy, I'd like to, but I'll miss the first bus to Glove World!
Sandy: But this is an emergency! SpongeBob? Please?!
SpongeBob: Oh, okay! Patrick, I'll catch the next bus! See you there! [Bubble transition to SpongeBob running on an exercise wheel]
Sandy: Operation acorn smoothie is a success!
[Bubble transition to bus stop]
Mr. Krabs: [coming out of the shoe store] SpongeBob! Boyo, you've got to help me. Pearl's got her heart set on a new pair of shoes. Your job is to tell her no.
SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, today's my day off!
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob! [another bus drives away. Bubble transition]
SpongeBob: [offscreen] Um, Pearl? About those shoes? No.
Pearl: [offscreen] No?! [cries loudly and floods the outside, SpongeBob flies out]
Grandma SquarePants: SpongeBob, help your granny cross the street, hm?
SpongeBob: Grandma? Oh... coming, Grandma. [another bus arrives and Patrick gets off, and he's wearing a glove hat and holding a glove balloon]
Patrick: [excited] Oh, man! That was the best time I've ever had! [looks at SpongeBob suspiciously] Oh. Hello, SpongeBob. Did you enjoy not going to Glove World with me?
SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, I tried, how I tried! But everyone needed my help and I, uh...
Patrick: You need to learn to say 'no'. Stand up for yourself! You need thicker skin like me! [rolls up his sleeve, revealing rough skin; he rubs his finger on it, and it burns it off] Oh, hey, which reminds me. [takes off shirt] Could you scratch my back?
SpongeBob: Oh, sure. [scratches it in disgust. Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house]
SpongeBob: [crying] Oh, it's true, Gare-bear! It's true!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: It's true that I can't stand up for myself! I'm too soft! Oh, I wish I had thicker skin! [continues crying]
Gary: Meow. [looks at magazine and reads an article about janitor supplies, then gets the phone, calls, and the doorbell rings]
SpongeBob: [opens front door and sees a package] Hey, what's this? [reading] Don't throw out that old too soft sponge, toughen it with a new abrasive side! [not reading] Say! Gary, did you order this for me?
SpongeBob: [puts on the abrasive side] Ah, it fits like a glove!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Thanks, Gary! You're always there for me! Huh, I wonder how this thing works.
Abrasive SpongeBob: Why don't ya scram, you little freeloader? [switches back to SpongeBob, who blinks, then switches back to the abrasive side] Hmph! Bottom feeder!
SpongeBob: See ya, Gary!
Gary: Meow?
[Bubble transition.]
SpongeBob: ♪I've got an abrasive side! Abrasive side, abrasive side! I've got an abrasive side, and now I can say no! Abrasive side, abrasive side, abrasive side, abrasive side! Now I can say --♪
Abrasive SpongeBob: No.
Fish #5: Hi, SpongeBob, could you help me carry my groceries?
Abrasive SpongeBob: Carry 'em yourself, fishface!
Larry: Hey, SpongeBob, how about little help with this sun tan lotion, huh?
Abrasive SpongeBob: Don't you think you've had enough? All you're missing is a bowl of butter!
Larry: Butter? Yipe!
SpongeBob: Hey, Grandma.
Grandma SquarePants: Why, hello, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: I've got an abrasive side, now!
Grandma SquarePants: Why, that's nice, dear. SpongeBob. Would you help your granny across the street?
Abrasive SpongeBob: Sorry, Granny! Why don't you walk yourself across the street?
SpongeBob: [soft voice] Have a nice day, Grandma. [Grandma looks both ways and tries to cross, but there are cars coming. Bubble transition]
Sandy: Howdy, SpongeBob! You're right on time to help me test out my new disappearator. It'll make anything disappear instantly. Now hold still and I'll just shave a few inches off the top of your noggin.
SpongeBob: Why, certainly, Sa--
Abrasive SpongeBob: [knocks the disappearator out of Sandy's hands] No can do, ya brainless lab rat! I have better things to do than to be your test monkey!
Sandy: Brainless? [disappearator lands, and makes Sandy's head disappear. Bubble transition to The Krusty Krab]
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy there, SpongeBob! I need you to work an extra 17 hour shift tonight!
SpongeBob: Oh, sure thing, Mr...
Abrasive SpongeBob: Sorry, Krabs. I'm busy! Unless you're paying me overtime.
Mr. Krabs: Overtime? O... o... o-ver-time... [flips through dictionary] Overtime? Hmm, let's see here. Over, oversold, overspend, ah! Overtime. “More money per hour...” [screams] What a filthy, disgusting word!
[Bubble transition to Squidward watering his garden as SpongeBob walks by.]
Squidward: Oh, fun. I suppose you want me to play some stupid game, or you'll just follow me around all day and never ever leave, huh? [sprays SpongeBob with a hose]
Abrasive SpongeBob: [snaps his fingers] Afraid not, Schnozward! I wouldn't hang out with you for all the money in Krabs' mattress!
Squidward: [hugs Abrasive SpongeBob, cries, and smiles] You don't know how long I've waited to hear those words!
[Bubble transition.]
Patrick: Hey, SpongeBob! You're right on time for our play date!
SpongeBob: Oh, I can't wait...
Abrasive SpongeBob: ...to ditch you...
SpongeBob: ...’cause you're my best friend...
Abrasive SpongeBob: ...so beat it, tubby, I don't care for your company!
SpongeBob: Well, Patrick, are you ready to have some fun?
Patrick: I don't know! [cries and runs home]
SpongeBob: [walks into his house and looks in the mirror] That's weird. I wonder what's wrong with Patrick.
Abrasive SpongeBob: Don't you remember? We told that pink freak to beat it! In fact, we've already insulted all of your rotten friends, and no one will hang out with you, 'cause you have no friends left, Mr. LoserBob LonelyPants! [laughs evilly]
SpongeBob: [screams] Oh, no! Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! Patrick! [runs over to Patrick's house and knocks, Patrick shows his face]
Patrick: Yes? May I help you?
SpongeBob: Yes, Patrick, help me get this abrasive side off my back! You'll help me, won't you, buddy?
Patrick: [shivering] I don't know, are we buddies?
SpongeBob: Patrick, you know the answer to that question is--
Abrasive SpongeBob: No! Why would I want to be friends with a big loser like you?
Patrick: [completely shocked, screaming, then hides back under his rock] I'm so confused!
SpongeBob: [screams] It happened again! [screams and runs away. Bubble transition to The Krusty Krab. Mr. Krabs is still reading out the dictionary]
Mr. Krabs: It's unbelievable. More money for service above and beyond...
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs! Mr. Krabs!
Mr. Krabs: [gasps] What do you want now, Mr. Pottymouth?
SpongeBob: But, Mr. Krabs, I would never use immoderate language like...
Abrasive SpongeBob: Overtime! [snaps finger]
Mr. Krabs: [screams] Arrrgh! Out, out, and stay out! And don't you come back until you've swabbed that poop deck you call a mouth! [mutters as he goes back in the Krusty Krab. Bubble transition to Sandy's treedome]
SpongeBob: Sandy, please help me! Gary ordered me [flips to his abrasive side] an abrasive side so that I could be more assertive.
Abrasive SpongeBob: Hey, Chipmunk!
SpongeBob: And now, it's taken over!
Abrasive SpongeBob: Quiet, you!
SpongeBob: I can't take it anymore! It's like a... a virus!
Sandy: [speaks inaudibly]
SpongeBob: Hold on. [pulls a string and Sandy's head reappears]
Sandy: I said, what you want to go and do a dang fool thing like that for?
SpongeBob: Well, I just couldn't say...
Abrasive SpongeBob: No!
SpongeBob: To anybody. So I got this abrasive side to help change my personality.
Sandy: Aw, SpongeBob, don't go trying to be someone you're not. You are who you are, and who you are is just fine!
Abrasive SpongeBob: Who he is just stinks!
Sandy: Golly! We've got to get this varmint off of you. Now, turn around [SpongeBob turns around] and grab something heavy. [SpongeBob grabs Patrick by the pants] Now hold still.
Abrasive SpongeBob: No! You don't scare me, Girly!
Sandy: This is gonna sting worse than a jellyfish in a bucket of electric eels! [begins to rip the abrasive side off]
Abrasive SpongeBob: Hey, what are you doing, you crazy bushy-tailed rodent?! Hey!
[Sandy rips the abrasive side off and SpongeBob screams in pain.]
Sandy: All done!
SpongeBob: Phew. Thank you, Sandy! You too, Patrick!
Patrick: No problem! [has just gotten a massive wedgie, and the Abrasive Side growls]
Sandy: I think it's high time we got rid of this critter. [puts the abrasive side in a package, puts a "Return to Sender" sticker on it, and stuffs it in a mailbox]
SpongeBob: So long, Abrasivey! [Abrasive Side growls again] Grandma! I've got to apologize to Grandma! [Bubble transition to Grandma's] Grandma? Hello, Grandma, I'm sorry about earlier. So, what do ya say? Can we discuss forgiveness over a cup of your famous hot cocoa?
Grandma SquarePants: Oh, my sweet, I would love to whip that up for you right after you...
Abrasive Grandma: Make your own hot cocoa! I'm busy! [thunder clap; cut to the exterior of Grandma's house]
SpongeBob: [yells offscreen] No!