No Such Thing as the News

The House of Commons of the United Kingdom has a special security measure designed to stop the Gunpowder Plot from ever happening again. (Murray)

The International Space Station has quadruple glazed windows. (Schreiber)

According to the former head of the Russian Anti-Doping Laboratory male athletes take their drugs with whisky and female athletes take their drugs with Martini. (Ptaszynski)

Scientists have turned water into wine. (Harkin)

On his trip to Vietnam, Barack Obama took with him his own personal blood bank, a fake Cadillac, and an exact replica of that fake Cadillac. (Ptaszynski)

In Google's Paris offices, Friday meetings are accompanied with cheese and wine. (Harkin)

Thomas Becket's elbow is currently on tour. (Schreiber)

The world's largest solar power plant has just been set on fire, by itself. (Murray)

The reason Winston Churchill looks so grumpy on the new £5 note is because someone has taken away his cigar. (Schreiber)

At its opening ceremony, the world's longest tunnel was ceremonially blessed by a priest and them ceremonially not blessed by an atheist. (Murray)

The judge who has just ruled that all UK tobacco packets have to be green is called Mr. Green. (Ptaszynski)

Cicadas that have lived underground in Ohio for 17 years have finally emerged, only to be immediately eaten as an ice cream topping. (Harkin)

The man after whom the UEFA Euro 2016 trophy is named after, Henri Delaunay, retired from refereeing after he swallowed his own whistle. (Harkin)

In the Romanian local elections it is no longer permissible for candidates to give away free buckets as incentives to vote for them. (Murray)

Muhammad Ali was a both a great magician and a terrible magician, because his faith frowned upon deception so he explained how all his tricks worked. (Schreiber)

Archerfish can be trained to spit in people's faces. (Ptaszynski)

Mongolia is changing all of its addresses. (Schreiber)

The website addresses donaldtrumpsucks.com, iambeingsuedbythedonald.com and ihatetrumpvodka.com are all owned by Donald Trump. (Ptaszynski)

Dishes you can eat at the world's best restaurant include "Memory of a mortadella sandwich", "The crunchy part of the lasagne" and "Oops! I dropped the lemon tarte". (Harkin)

Britain's first robot office manager is called Betty and has a short-term contract in Milton Keynes. (Murray)

Three days before the second US Presidential Debate, Donald Trump announced that he was doing no preparation. He announced this at a town hall event where there was a moderator, all the questions were submitted by the audience and his answers were timed to be no longer than two minutes. (Schreiber)

Insane Clown Posse have issued a statement saying that there is no such thing as an insane clown. (Harkin)

This week, four separate pumpkin records have been broken: the biggest outdoors pumpkin grown in the UK, the biggest ever pumpkin in the USA, the biggest ever pumpkin in the world, and the furthest someone has travelled in a boat made out of a pumpkin. (Murray)

No-one will be allowed to wear smartwatches in Theresa May's cabinet meetings as they fear the Russians might use them to eavesdrop. (Ptaszynski)

The first time the British cabinet approved plans for a third runway at Heathrow Airport, the check-in was still a row of tents. (Murray)

This week's leaked Hillary Clinton speeches only exist because her staff were sending them to each other saying: "What are we going to do if these get leaked?" (Harkin)

This week scientists have discovered the reason why the sky goes dark at night. (Schreiber)

There is a four-metre wide hole in Sir David Attenborough's bottom. (Ptaszynski)

This week the Belgian foreign minister Didier Reynders's Twitter account tweeted: "Keep Calm and Love Canada". He only did this because someone else hacked into his account and tweeted a photo of former Canadian PM Stephen Harper with the message: "Hey Canada fuck you!" (Ptaszynski)

The most famous snail currently in Britain, named Jeremy, is famous because its genitals are the wrong way round. (Schreiber)

If you have $7,500 to spend and you want to attack a country, then you can buy a cyber army of 100,000 fridges or buy a single Tornado jet fighter for 10 minutes. (Harkin)

On average three quarters of the studio audience are criminals. (Murray)

Sales of Halloween masks have correctly predicted the winner of the US presidential election every year since 1980. This year, Donald Trump masks are outselling Hillary Clinton masks by 10%. (Harkin)

The keys to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre are looked after by a Muslim family because the Christians can't be trusted with them. (Schreiber)

In the Icelandic parliamentary election the second biggest-party fielded a candidate who died the previous week. (Ptaszynski)

More than a third of men who took the new male contraceptive jab reported an increased sex drive, and one-in-twenty reported swelling of the breasts. (Murray)

Last week, Donald Trump's campaign executive Steve Bannon's pants literally caught on fire as he was writing a speech for Trump. (Murray)

As president, Donald Trump will earn one 12,000th as he did as a baby. (Murray)

The past week has seen riots, vandalism and road blockages across India as people protested over salt shortages, even though there haven't been any salt shortages. (Ptaszynski)

The man who coined the term "supermoon", astrologer Richard Nolle, prepared for it this week by stocking up on bottled water, canned goods and other emergency supplies. (Schreiber)

Park Geun-hye, President of South Korea, is currently embroiled in a scandal about her closeness to Choi Soon-sil, an alleged shaman. The head of the country's national shaman organisation has complained that the scandal is giving genuine hard-working shamans a bad name. (Harkin)

Before he was Chancellor of the Exchequer, Philip Hammond was a used car salesman. (Murray)

The Oxford English Dictionary's 2016 word of the year is "post-truth", which is two words. Only seven out of their thirteen words of the year have been one word. (Ptaszynski)

This week the Geostationary Operational Environmental Satellite was launched, which carries the most advanced weather predicting systems in history. It should have gone up three weeks ago, but it was delayed due to unforeseen weather conditions. (Harkin)

As part of the Buckingham Palace refurbishment, the Queen will start using her leftovers to power her boilers. (Schreiber)

Marita Lorenz, one of the people employed to assassinate Fidel Castro, ended up having sex with him instead. (Ptaszynski)

This week, the safety at Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant has increased greatly thanks to the site receiving some new vacuum cleaners. (Murray)

If Jill Stein gets her way for recounting the vote in Pennsylvania in the 2016 US Presidential Election, they are going to have to recheck votes that were made for Mickey Mouse, Wonder Woman, Harambe (a Gorilla), None of the Above, We Deserve Better, and Shoot Me Now. (Harkin)

In order to cope with the Black Friday rush, Birmingham's main shopping centre opened three hours early, but in the end the only shop with a queue was Greggs. (Schreiber)