Dark Humour Quotes

“You will suffer, son of Hades!’
What else is new? Nico thought.”
― Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus

“Being magnanimous in victory usually worked, but to keep abreast of the situation he had to 
pump the girl for all she knew. Was there a pang of remorse for his actions in his mind? 
Possibly, but what choice did he have? If he wanted to survive, he had no room for weakness.”
― Max Nowaz, The Arbitrator

“Ah! You speak Levitan,” the man smiled. “But you’re not from Levita I think.” Like
most Levitians he was a good looking man, if perhaps a bit effete for Brown’s tastes. 
“No, I lived there for a while.” 
“Did you enjoy your stay?”
“Up to a point. The Levitian women are very beautiful.”
“Yes of course. So are the men in Levita,” the man smiled. “We used to have a
cleansing programme to ensure a healthy population.”
“You mean a culling policy, where you killed all the weakest members of the
population.”
― Max Nowaz, The Arbitrator

“He looked at the silver pocketknife in his hand. An idea came to him – possibly the stupidest, craziest idea he’d had since he thought, Hey, I’ll get Percy to swim in the River Styx! He’ll love me for that!”
― Rick Riordan, The Blood of Olympus

“Remember! No questions. Follow my commands. There are reasons that will escape your human mind’s capacity. Just have faith. Don’t ask questions, don’t think for yourself, just have faith and do everything we tell you to do.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Until you accept that you’ll never get your problem fixed, whatever it is, you’ll be endlessly transferred from department to department until our call center closes. Sometimes you’ll be left on hold even after everyone at the call center has left for the day. Until you get exhausted with our run-around service and give up all hope, you’ll be stuck in The Circle Jerk. Right now, this very minute, you’re in The Circle Jerk, sir. Do you wish to continue circling or are you going to hang up your phone and go watch TV?”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“She was knitting a sweater and enjoying the calm atmosphere of her living room when her chubby, beer-drinking, sports-watching husband woke from a nap on the couch screaming, “Touchdown!” At the moment her serenity had been broken, she unconsciously reacted by swinging around and plunging a knitting needle into her husband’s throat. While blood squirted from his throat and his shocked face produced gurgling sounds, she lifted from her chair and drove the other knitting needle into his beer-ballooned stomach over and over again. Blood and beer gushed out of his belly like a punctured fish tank. As her husband gurgled and deflated, she stared down at him with a beaming smile. She had found her new hobby—annihilating assholes. She had cut up her husband into nice little pieces and used him as fertilizer for her backyard garden. Never again did her cozy house get raped by blaring sounds of sports emanating from a television set. The TV went into the garbage and the living room was converted into a tea room.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“He hoped one of NASA’s defunct satellites would enter a decaying orbit, somehow not burn up in the atmosphere, and crash into the call center that had just kept him prisoner on the phone for several hours. He imagined all those lunatics at the call center spouting off scripted phrases and empty-headed impromptu dialogue right before being incinerated in an exploding fiery ball.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Babcock fidgeted with one of his cufflinks while staring down the remaining brokers in his office. He then delivered something akin to a pep talk in a severe tone. "... The world depends on our services. Services that must not be impeded. We don't break our backs producing things that have no real value—food, shelter, clothes ... art. No! We're titans of finance. We move intangible things and ideas around the world on digital platforms. No one else in the world can accumulate as much wealth as we do by simply moving around one and zeros on computers.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“He tackled a woman's baby carriage. After the seven-month-old baby skidded across the pavement and began bawling his eyes out, Bill Brady started shouting at the toddler, 'What are you, a pussy? Walk it off! Walk it off!' After the mother shouted out her baby's age and how he wasn't able to walk yet, Bill Brady started barking in the vexed mother's face like she was a referee who had made a bad call.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“I bet him and all his Guy brothers had burst through the nightclub entrance, poured an insane amount of alcohol into their systems, and snatched at anything with a pulse that wandered past their sloshed eyes. I bet after all the hoopla subsided, the demented Guys spilled out of the nightclub at some ungodly hour, intoxicated blood pumping, gallivanting around the city like foul beasts seeking their next series of exploitations.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“The thin how-to book belonging to Smittie had a dark and perplexing title—HOW TO COMMIT SUICIDE EFFECTIVELY EVERY TIME.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Of course I’m sure! Jesus Christ, I’m goddamn God for fuck’s sake! Now quit sniveling and jump through that goddamn glass wall forthwith or I’ll leave you with the killer clones, revoking your Chosen One status and whatnot.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“What a waste of trees ... that adoption author is definitely a tree killer. ... I wish trees would sprout legs and come barging through the front doors and seek revenge for their obliterated brethren by ramming themselves down his goddamn throat.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“Sharon, your wife, uploaded several photos of your urine-peppered toilet on a wives’ forum under the thread title THE IDIOT SATURATED THE TOILET AGAIN, and also under the thread title BAD AIM, A SMALL-DICK PREDICAMENT.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“The clown wanted to bypass all medical care and cure his cancer with a naturopathic doctor. What a fool, right?” ... Karver’s smirk widened a little. “That’s right, my good man. They shouldn’t even be able to call themselves doctors. Making people eat roots, tree bark, dirt and whatnot. If they stopped trying to peddle their snake oil, maybe they’d stop mysteriously dying or disappearing.” Karver paused for a few seconds, grinning at Frank in silence, creating an awkward moment ...”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“I feel bad all the time too. That’s just what living feels like, but I’ve found a way to feel better—making other people feel worse than yourself. The more people we fuck up, the better we’ll feel. But it’s a very temporary solution, so we need to keep fucking people up all the time. We got to be dedicated; people aren’t going to fuck up themselves, so that’s where we come in.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“The jogger came upon them after the tragedy occurred and witnessed Raymond preparing to take off on his bike while Howard lay facedown on the ground with a metal spike through his head.
When the cops arrived at the scene and questioned Raymond, he told them, “I don’t know … he like fell on it, or something. I was just riding my bike to the grocery store when I passed him on the trail. He was walking on the path while I was biking by. He saw me and said hello and then he fell face-first on a spike. I was like, ‘Dude, does that hurt?’ but he didn’t reply or move.” When the cops asked him why he was trying to flee the scene, he said, “I was going to get help on my bike. Maybe doctors could, like, unspike his head or something, like, I don’t know.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“The title of the café suggested its New Age influence, but he had no idea the place would be littered with spiritual knickknacks and completely brimming with wishy-washy clientele sporting tie-dye shirts and earthy-colored, grungy pants. Dale gritted his teeth and painfully examined the place, taking in all its awfulness. The atmosphere alone felt like it was soiling his impeccable suit.”
― Jasun Ether, The Beasts of Success

“If you removed all the arteries, veins, & capillaries from a person’s body, and tied them end-to-end…the person will die.”
― Neil deGrasse Tyson

“Congratulations, Huntress. You're officially a murderer. Welcome to the club.”
― Hafsah Faizal, We Hunt the Flame

“All I said was that I thought it was a judgement from God that Blyth had first lost his leg and then had the replacement become the instrument of his downfall. All because of the rabbits. Eric, who was going through a religious phase at the time which I suppose I was to some extent copying, thought this was a terrible thing to say; God wasn't like that. I said the one I believed in was.”
― Iain Banks, The Wasp Factory

“However, for all his affection and loyalty towards the animal, the dog would soon be leaving him - they would both be present at a celebratory dinner when they reached the roof, he reflected with a touch of gallows-humour, but the poodle would be in the pot.”
― J.G. Ballard, High-Rise

“SWAT? For me?" Still trembling, one hand clung to the ambulance gurney, the other held a massive sterilised cotton wool wad under my nose.
"Tactical Support was busy. You got Dennis and Arlo," said Harry, speed-reading the papers he'd snatched from inside my jacket.
Closest his hands had been to my chest in a long time.
"Which one broke my nose?"
"That'd be Dennis.”
― Morana Blue, Gatsby's Smile

“She was damned if she was going to let a little thing like decapitation stand in the way of keeping him.”
― Jane Timm Baxter

“He's a bony old motherfucker with a beard you could lose a sheep in”
― Django Wexler, How to Become the Dark Lord and Die Trying

“I love baby lions but I won’t let one play with me and rip me to pieces because it’s cute and likes to cuddle sometimes.”
― Adora Aiza, Love Resolutions: Get Your Heart Ready for Fulfilling Romance

“Carnal Carnival Mirror by Stewart Stafford

In a stalker's heckle, a conjoined choice;
Dead end track or a charlatan voice?
Life's a twisted, poised inquisitor,
With a human stopgap answer visitor.

Blank slates skimmed in stony throe,
Viscous channels tempt furlough,
Wrecks of the wild and sentient sea,
Begging a craven harbour's charity.

Hear the liar's mantra chant;
That siren's song will gallivant;
Gossip's billow finds our sails;
Cohesion falters, verity bewails.

Hypocrites don suits they see fit,
Self-fulfilling phallusies they commit.
Our rulers shame, an unmasked brute,
Leaves fall down from prophecy's youth.

© 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“Figurative Fun by Stewart Stafford

Neigh, neigh, Hyperbole!
Galloping into wild mares' play.
I'd yell, "Egregious slander streaker!"
But it skulks 'neath its nudist speaker.

Understatedness hides in a selfie's rear;
Verbosity hogging limelight sans fear;
Caustic parody, satire, and critique,
Peddling wares in skewed oblique.

Gossip's lip, stained in a bloody hue;
Rumour's half-baked harmonies slew;
Utterances bejewelled speak of love,
Absolutes sting as a duellist's glove.

© 2024, Stewart Stafford. All rights reserved.”
― Stewart Stafford

“I seemed to wish to keep him at the point of madness, a thing I would avoid with patients as I would the mouth of hell. Memorandum, under what circumstances would I not avoid the pit of hell?”
― Bram Stoker, Dracula