Talk:John D. Naylor/GA1
Latest comment: 3 years ago by BeanieFan11 in topic GA Review
GA Review
edit| GA toolbox |
|---|
| Reviewing |
Article (edit | visual edit | history) · Article talk (edit | history) · Watch
Reviewer: The Rambling Man (talk · contribs) 14:49, 12 September 2021 (UTC)
Comments
- Perhaps link College athletics for college sport in the lead so non-US readers get the gist of it.
- Done.
- "low-level minor leagues" what does "low-level" bring here?
- I added "low-level" because they were very minor leagues, such as the DuPont Dye Works League and the All-Wilmington Baseball League, both of which do not have articles.
- Lead feels short, doesn't really summarise the key points of each section of the article.
- Would a lead paragraph like this work: "John D. Naylor (August 10, 1893 – February 8, 1955) was an American athlete and college sports coach. He was best known as an athletics director and multi-sport coach at Beacom College, where he served from 1922 to 1952. Before his coaching career, Naylor was a baseball, basketball, and football player in several low-level minor leagues. (space) A native of New Castle, Delaware, Naylor was a multi-sport athlete in high school, before attending college at the University of Delaware. Following two years in college, he started a semi-professional baseball career with the Milford Caulks in c. 1914. He also spent time with seven other minor league teams between 1916 and 1923. He started a coaching career in 1920 as a player-coach with a Brandywine basketball team and the St. Mary's baseball team. In 1922, he became the athletic director, baseball coach, and basketball coach at Beacom College, where he spent the next 30 years. He retired in 1952, and died on February 8, 1954, at the age of 61."
- Yes, looks good, we don't normally include the death unless unusual in these bios, but the rest looks great. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 09:02, 17 September 2021 (UTC)
- Done.
- Yes, looks good, we don't normally include the death unless unusual in these bios, but the rest looks great. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 09:02, 17 September 2021 (UTC)
- Would a lead paragraph like this work: "John D. Naylor (August 10, 1893 – February 8, 1955) was an American athlete and college sports coach. He was best known as an athletics director and multi-sport coach at Beacom College, where he served from 1922 to 1952. Before his coaching career, Naylor was a baseball, basketball, and football player in several low-level minor leagues. (space) A native of New Castle, Delaware, Naylor was a multi-sport athlete in high school, before attending college at the University of Delaware. Following two years in college, he started a semi-professional baseball career with the Milford Caulks in c. 1914. He also spent time with seven other minor league teams between 1916 and 1923. He started a coaching career in 1920 as a player-coach with a Brandywine basketball team and the St. Mary's baseball team. In 1922, he became the athletic director, baseball coach, and basketball coach at Beacom College, where he spent the next 30 years. He retired in 1952, and died on February 8, 1954, at the age of 61."
- "Naylor was born" normally see the full name at this intro sentence.
- Done.
- "He graduated in 1913" unreferenced from hereon.
- Done.
- "to University of Delaware. He spent two years at Delaware" -> to University of Delaware where he spent two years"
- Done.
- "semi-pro" semi-professional.
- Done.
- "An article by The Evening Journal wrote" an article in ... stated?
- Done.
- That's one almighty quote. We tend to frown on that much verbatim. Is there nothing you can summarise in your own words while keeping some of the "interesting" parts of the quote?
- @The Rambling Man Should I put it in my own words or just shorten the quote? E.g. "Four days remain until the opening of the new Atlantic League, and judging by the all round work of Johnny Naylor, a New Castle lad, who is working out with the Allentown Club, he is going to hold down a regular berth ... During his stay in Allentown the past five days, Naylor has been playing shortstop. He is an infielder of class, and in all probability will be found on some spot there when the season opens. Playing against the Wilkesbarre team, of the New York State League, last Saturday, he was lead off man ... Naylor played great ball for the Caulk team, of Milford, two years ago. He was recommended by Bill McGowan."
- You can do both, re-write some of it yourself and trim the quote. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 09:02, 17 September 2021 (UTC)
- Done.
- You can do both, re-write some of it yourself and trim the quote. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 09:02, 17 September 2021 (UTC)
- @The Rambling Man Should I put it in my own words or just shorten the quote? E.g. "Four days remain until the opening of the new Atlantic League, and judging by the all round work of Johnny Naylor, a New Castle lad, who is working out with the Allentown Club, he is going to hold down a regular berth ... During his stay in Allentown the past five days, Naylor has been playing shortstop. He is an infielder of class, and in all probability will be found on some spot there when the season opens. Playing against the Wilkesbarre team, of the New York State League, last Saturday, he was lead off man ... Naylor played great ball for the Caulk team, of Milford, two years ago. He was recommended by Bill McGowan."
- Besides, there's an awful lot of unexplained and unlinked jargon in there two, I can barely understand most of it.
- "In c. 1922–1923, he..." merge back into previous para.
- Done.
- Link player-coach.
- Done.
- Could link Official (basketball).
- Done.
- "The school added the sport of soccer in 1925" added it to what? And no need for "the sport of".
- To their college athletics. What would you suggest be done to the sentence?
- Remove "sport of" and add "to their college athletics curriculum" or similar. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 15:35, 21 September 2021 (UTC)
- Done.
- Remove "sport of" and add "to their college athletics curriculum" or similar. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 15:35, 21 September 2021 (UTC)
- To their college athletics. What would you suggest be done to the sentence?
- Another big quote, and this time with "soccer" jargon like Dribbling which won't be accessible to many.
- Linked dribbling. Anything else that should be done to the quote?
- "after 30 years.[23" infobox seems to imply 32 years?
- I forgot to add "30 years with Beacom" while writing this. Should I do that or "after 32 years"?
- changed to "more than 30 years".
- I forgot to add "30 years with Beacom" while writing this. Should I do that or "after 32 years"?
That's all I have. The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 19:30, 12 September 2021 (UTC)
- BeanieFan11 did you intend to address the other comments? The big quotes still seem to be there? The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 15:35, 21 September 2021 (UTC)
- The Rambling Man I think I addressed all your comments. Anything else that should be done before its GA? BeanieFan11 (talk) 15:55, 21 September 2021 (UTC)
- BeanieFan11 did you intend to address the other comments? The big quotes still seem to be there? The Rambling Man (Keep wearing the mask...) 15:35, 21 September 2021 (UTC)