The Golden Girls (1985–1992)

Estelle Getty: Sophia Petrillo

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Blanche : I treat my body like a temple.

  Sophia : Yeah, open to everyone, day or night.

• [Blanche commenting on her brother's lifestyle] 

  Blanche : I don't really mind Clayton being homosexual, I just don't like him dating men.

  Dorothy : You really haven't grasped the concept of this "gay thing" yet, have you, Blanche?

  Blanche : Well there must be homosexuals who date women.

  Sophia : Yeah. They're called lesbians.

• Rose : You don't understand. Everyone likes me-I'm the nice one! Dorothy is the smart one, Blanche is the sexy one, Sophia is the old one, and I'm the nice one! EVERYBODY likes me!

  Sophia : The old one isn't so crazy about you.

• Rose : I just had a thought...

  Sophia , Dorothy , Blanche : Congratulations.

• Sophia : Rose, just remember, you're smarter than people say you are. You've got good sense, and you know what you're doing.

  Rose : Oh, Sophia.

  Sophia : Blanche, you're a slut.

  Blanche : Oh, Sophia.

• Dorothy : We're here to pay for a funeral.

  Mr. Pfeiffer : Oh, isn't that nice, the three of you planning ahead for mother.

  Sophia : [walks a little bit closer]  Hey Puh-feiffer, how would you like a punch in your puh-face?

• Dorothy : [impressed with some advice from Blanche]  Blanche, you'd have made a great psychologist.

  Sophia : Way to go pussycat. Give Blanche an office with a couch and a license to charge by the hour!

• [Sophia arrives from the rest home by taxi] 

  Rose : You must be tired after your cab trip.

  Sophia : Why? I RODE in the cab! I didn't push it!

• Stan : Hello Sophia, you're looking younger every day.

  Sophia : Hi Stan, and that's a beautiful toupee you're wearing. Great, now we're both liars.

• Rose : [Rose is checking Sophia into the hospital]  Name?

  Sophia : Zulu, Queen of the Dwarf People.

• Blanche : [referring to her brother and his lover visiting]  My goodness, what would the neighbors think if they saw two men lying in my bed?

  Sophia : They'd think it's Tuesday!

• [Sophia wants a new TV, but Dorothy plans to use the money to pave the driveway over] 

  Sophia : And what will I do when every other old lady on the block is watching The Cosby Show?

  Dorothy : Well, ma, I guess you can sit on the new driveway and hope an amusing black family comes along.

• Dorothy : [Sophia is busily cooking]  Ma, what are you doing? You're supposed to be resting. Remember what the doctor said?

  Sophia : Dorothy, I'm feeling anxious. And when I feel anxious, there's only one thing that calms me down.

  Dorothy : I know, Ma. Cooking a big meal.

  Sophia : No, making hot naked love in a closet. But hey, you do what you can.

• Rose : Here you are, Sophia. The perfect after-dinner treat, a nice dish of Jell-O.

  Sophia : I hate Jell-O. If God wanted peaches suspended in midair, he would have filled them with helium.

• Sophia : Esther Weinstock is dead. We grew up together, she was my best friend.

  Dorothy : I'm so sorry. What happened?

  Sophia : [sarcastically]  She was fighting an oil rig fire in the Gulf of Mexico.

  [agitated] 

  Sophia : SHE WAS 88!

  Rose : Well, it's great that she was able to work right up to the end.

• Rose : Sophia, why are you in such a bad mood?

  Sophia : Excuse me Rose, but I haven't had sex in fifteen years and its starting to get on my nerves.

• Blanche : [after being treated like a lady by one of her dates]  I feel like I did when I was a virgin!

  Sophia : You mean the feeling isn't going to last long?

  Blanche : Are you implying I lost my virginity at an early age?

  Sophia : I'm just saying you're lucky Jack-&-Jill magazine didn't have a gossip column.

  Blanche : I'm not going to stand for this! Not in my own house...

  Sophia : Take it Dorothy!

  Dorothy : I bet you'll lay down for it!

• Sophia : I need the money for my old age.

  Dorothy : Old age? You don't leave fingerprints anymore.

• Sophia : Look, you didn't ask me for my opinion, but I'm old, so I'm giving it anyway.

• Sophia : Why do blessings wear disguises? If I were a blessing, I'd run around naked.

• Dorothy : [after being persuaded to go out dancing]  Oh all right I'll come.Ma where are my dancing shoes?

  Sophia : In the Smithsonian, right next to Fred Astaire's. How the hell should I know?

• Blanche : What do you think of my new dress? Is it me?

  Sophia : It's too tight, it's too short and shows too much cleavage for a woman your age.

  Dorothy : Yes, Blanche. It's you.

• Dorothy : Ma, Rose isn't talking to me...

  Sophia : Enjoy it while it lasts, now good night.

• Sophia : All you ever do is talk about your sexual problems! Well, what about my sexual problem?

  Dorothy : Ma, what is your sexual problem?

  Sophia : I'm not getting any!

• Dorothy : Ma, I DON'T snore.

  Sophia : Please! I had to turn you away from the window so you wouldn't inhale the drapes!

• Sophia : Alright everyone get ready for temple!

  Dorothy : But Ma, it's Tuesday and we're Catholic.

  Sophia : In that case, bacon and eggs?

• Rose : Well, I'm off.

  Sophia : Totally.

• Rose : Everybody likes me.

  Sophia : I don't!

  Rose : Oh, you just say that Sophia.

  Sophia : REPEATEDLY!

• [Dorothy leaves on vacation, leaving Blanche in charge of Sophia] 

  Sophia : Fasten your seatbelt, slut puppy. This ain't gonna be no cakewalk!

• Dorothy : Hi, ma. Where are you going?

  Sophia : To the boardwalk. I like to watch the old guys rearrange themselves when they come out of the water.

• Sophia : Make way for the victors.

  Rose : You won the big game?

  Sophia : No, Rose. We lost and we all changed our names to Victor.

• Sophia : If I met a man who was over seventy but still looked half-way decent, I'd be on my back faster than you could say, "I've fallen and I can't get up!"

• Contractor : Do you want it fast or do you want it good?

  Sophia : Before you answer that, Blanche, the man's talking about a guest room.

• Sophia : I need some advice, Rose.

  Rose : You are asking advice from me?

  Sophia : Yea, frightening isn't it?

• Blanche : I have writer's block. It's the worst feeling in the world.

  Sophia : Try ten days without a bowel movement sometime.

• Blanche : Sophia, by placing this pearl necklace between my bosoms, does it make me look like I'm a sex-starved slut who is in need of a man to bed?

  Sophia : Yes.

  Blanche : Good, then pearl it is.

• [Jean, a lesbian, is visiting] 

  Dorothy : Ma, did Jean sleep with you last night?

  Sophia : Dorothy, there are a lot of things I wanna try before I die, but that's not one of them!

• Dorothy : Anyway, Ma told me that once I started shaving I'd never be able to stop. I mean, she said I'd regret it for the rest of my life because my legs would have bristles.

  Sophia : I was right! By the time you were sixteen I could grate cheese on your knees!

• [Rose and Blanche are practicing for a Sound of Music play. Blanche is pretending to be standing on a balcony while Rose runs in yelling her lines] 

  Rose : [running into the room]  The Nazis are coming! The Nazis are coming!

  Sophia : [dashing in from the kitchen]  Everybody grab a gun and go to the basement!

• Sophia : Beat it, you 50-year-old mattress!

  Blanche : Why, you little...

• Blanche : Well, it's almost dinnertime! Now, what could be taking Rose so long at that job interview?

  Dorothy : Well, if she's taking that long, it's a good sign, isn't it? I mean, how much time does it take to say no?

  Sophia : What are you asking her for? She never said no in her life!

• Sophia : [to Stan]  Did you bring your little wife with you or did you make her stay home and clean out her toy box?

• Blanche : Oh, just shut up! Shut up, you babbling, bobble-headed, bleach blonde...

  [struggles for another word] 

  Sophia : Baboon.

  Blanche : Baboon!

  [storms out] 

  Dorothy , Rose : [stare at Sophia] 

  Sophia : She needed a 'B!'

• Stan : I know everything about basketball - it's one of the interesting things about me.

  Sophia : Please. You've lived here for two months; there's nothing interesting about you.

  Stan : Go on, ask me anything.

  Sophia : All right... when are you moving out?

• [after getting caught faking a sprained ankle] 

  Sophia : I wuv you.

  Dorothy : Too wittle, too wate.

• [Dorothy is solving a murder mystery] 

  Dorothy : I think I see now how it happened - last evening, at dinner, when Miss McGlen saw Blanche give Kendall Nesbitt her key, she was furious. She dropped a steak knife into her purse...

  Sophia : Big deal. I took a whole place sitting.

  Dorothy : NOT NOW, MA!

• [the girls have chased away Ernie, the man who is changing their garage into a guest room] 

  Blanche : Well, we have two choices-go and beg Ernie's forgiveness, or hire another contractor.

  Sophia : Or, we could use the Sicilian method. We burn down the house, collect the fire insurance money, and move to a beautiful beachside house in California. Personally, I vote for choice three.

• [Sophia finishes telling a story] 

  Rose : Wow, Sophia, that was some story!

  Sophia : Yeah-funny, touching and with a surprise twist ending. I wonder if was true. Damn that stroke.

• Rose : Mmmmm, Sophia! The kitchen smells wonderful. Is it Chef Boyardee?

  Rose , Sophia : [Sophia holds up a knife]  Stick it in my heart, Rose, it'll hurt less!

• [Sophia is translating for an elderly Italian contractor] 

  Sophia : He said, "I am in charge."

  [the contractor says something else] 

  Sophia : He said, "I am the boss."

  [the contractor says something else] 

  Sophia : [confused]  He said, "I am the walrus"?

  Dorothy : Ma, either your Italian is a little rusty or this is the world's oldest hippie.

• [Sophia enters kitchen] 

  Dorothy : You couldn't sleep either, huh?

  Sophia : No, I'm sleeping so good I thought I'd come try it in the sink.

• Dorothy : Well Blanche is certainly taking her sister's novel better than I would. I would kill my sister Gloria if she ever wrote about my sex life.

  Sophia : You would kill your sister over a pamphlet?

• Rose : Belief can be powerful. I had a sty once, and every night I would close my eyes and think about it getting smaller and smaller until it went away!

  [Sophia leans on the fridge with her eyes closed] 

  Dorothy : Ma, what's wrong?

  Sophia : Nothing. I'm just trying to make Rose go away.

• Sophia : Come on, Blanche.

  Rose : I'm Rose.

  Sophia : Simple mistake, means nothing.

• Blanche : Oh girls... I'm just in ecstasy. My body is tingling all over. You will never guess what just happened.

  Sophia : We know what happened. Let us just guess what part of the Middle East he's from.

• Sophia : Blanche, a terrible thing has happened to you. But when life does something like this, there are a couple of things you got to remember. You got your health, right?

  Blanche : Yeah.

  Sophia : You can still walk, can't you?

  Blanche : That's true.

  Sophia : Great, go get me a glass of water.

• Sophia : If this sauce were a person, I'd get naked and make love to it.

• [Sophia is noisily eating Fritos. Dorothy gets very annoyed] 

  Dorothy : MA, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!

  Sophia : These are FRITOS, Dorothy. What do you want me to do, swallow them whole?

• [Sophia is in a pirate costume, and the girls are about to meet a famous actor] 

  Sophia : You want me to leave? I can't believe you're embarassed by your own mother!

  Dorothy : When she looks like Vasco de Gama, yes!

• [the girls are sick. Sophia tells a story] 

  Sophia : In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelli. Whatever you had, she had a cure. She was most famous for her green salve to cure ear infections. One day, she gave some to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put in on his linguine instead of in his ear.

  Dorothy : Well, I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.

  Sophia : Actually, it turned out ok. The stuff tasted great, so Salvadore decided to market it. At first, things didn't go so well. Linguine with ear salve wasn't very appetizing-but once he changed the name to pesto sauce, it sold like hot cakes!

  Dorothy : Ma, you're making this up!

  Sophia : So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.

• [Dorothy, Sophia, and Blanche discuss Dorothy's lesbian friend,Jean] 

  Sophia : Jean thinks she's in love with Rose!

  Blanche : Rose! Jean has the hots for Rose? I don't believe this, I don't believe this!

  Dorothy : We were surprised, too.

  Blanche : Well, I'll bet. To think Jean would prefer Rose over ME, that ridiculous!

• Dorothy : [Sophia has rented a porno]  Hi, Ma. Whatcha watching?

  Sophia : I dunno, one of those Steven Spielberger movies.

  Dorothy : That's not a Steven Spielberg? *What* are they doing?

  Sophia : You know what they're doing. We had that talk when you were twelve.

  Dorothy : Ma, I can't believe this! You rented a dirty movie?

  Sophia : Dirty is in the eye of the beholder... OK, maybe *that's* a little dirty.

• Blanche : [Sophia slapped Blanche's grandson for mouthing off]  Is that all you Italians know how to do? Scream and hit?

  Sophia : No, we also know how to make love and sing opera!

• Blanche : [referring to the one man she'd never been able to seduce]  I let him slip through my fingers once, I'm not going to let that happen again.

  Sophia : [opening the door to see Blanche's date-an overweight bald guy]  He couldn't slip though your fingers now if you used a shoehorn.

• Sophia : You're Blanche's daughter, the model?

  Rebecca : That's right.

  Sophia : What did she model - car covers?

• Miles Webber : Rose, I've never met anyone quite like you.

  Sophia : Check the corn field on Hee-Haw.

• [repeated line] 

  Sophia : Picture it... Sicily.

• Sophia : I'm not leaving now. It's just getting good.

  Dorothy : Shady Pines, Ma!

  Sophia : You're bluffing...

  Dorothy : [menacingly]  The West Wing?

  Sophia : I'm right behind you.

• [Rose has asked Sophia for advice] 

  Rose : What's the point? You won't believe me anyway.

  Sophia : Hey, Sicilians can always recognize two things - when someone is telling the truth, and when they've had their fingerprints changed.

• Sophia : Kitchen, bedroom, I knew it was a room I was good in!

• Blanche : We just rented that movie Aliens, it scared us half to death.

  Sophia : I found it scary too. That Sigourney Weaver is a sweet girl but she really shouldn't go without makeup.

• Doctor : [to Sophia]  Let's start by taking your temperature

  Sophia : Hmm temperature, I bet he graduated top of his class

  Doctor : [to Dorothy]  Has she been taking her medicine? Does she have any allergies?

  Sophia : [angry at not being adressed]  Excuse me. I've been in this body all my life, if anything goes wrong I'm the first to hear about it!

  Doctor : I'm sorry Sophia, what seems to be the problem?

  Sophia : I'm not a doctor, how am I supposed to know?

  Dorothy : She's been having pain in her chest.

  Doctor : [to Sophia]  What kind of pain?

  Sophia : The kind that hurts.

• [Dorothy is solving a murder mystery] 

  Dorothy : On the other hand, Phillip would never use a Mayan sacrificial knife as a murder weapon. Too obvious. But, it would be no problem for his sister to sneak the weapon out of his collection.

  Gloria : This woman's pathetic.

  Sophia : Oh. Big news. Tear out the front page.

• Blanche : Sophia, I need you.

  Sophia : Blanche, you were strong and independent long before I got here.

  Rose : I need you too, Sophia.

  Sophia : Rose, you need the Wizard of Oz.

• [Dorothy has brought home a pamphlet that shows Sophia might be losing her hearing] 

  Sophia : Oh, please Dorothy. Every time you bring home a pamphlet, I have that problem. One time I even thought I was a Jew for Jesus.

• Sophia : My God, I've left braincells all over the Eastern Seaboard.

• Sophia : Please, I'm in my twilight years.

  Dorothy : You're in the Twilight ZONE!

• Blanche : When Blanche Devereaux goes after a man, she doesn't stand on ceremony!

  Sophia : Or the floor.

• Sophia : No offense, pussycat.

  Dorothy : None taken, you cankerous little prune!

• Sophia : We never forgot anything in Sicily because people would tie string around each other's fingers. No... wait, it wasn't string, it was piano wire. And wait... it wasn't your finger, it was your neck. In fact, piano wire was the second-biggest export in our village. You know what the number one export was?

  Rose : No, what?

  Sophia : Hell if I know. I was hoping you could tell me!

• Dorothy : We're having a surprise birthday party for Blanche. Why don't you go out to the lanai and mingle with the guests?

  Sophia : OK! What's a lanai?

  Dorothy : Porch!

  Sophia : Well, excuse me, Krystle Carrington!

• Dorothy : So, how much is this Italian contractor going to charge for remodeling the garage?

  Sophia : [the contractor speaks in Italian, and Sophia translates]  He said he'll do it for free for three reasons! One, he loves his work, two, his men haven't been together for a while, and three, he loves to be in the company of pretty young women!

  Dorothy : Oh, wow... in that case, I guess we'll have to agree!

  Sophia : Great! So, here's a list of the pretty young women that you'll have to hire.

• Rose : Heaven is full of cows, chickens, horses and pigs...

  Sophia : I hope Heaven has *boots*!

• Sophia : Let me tell you girls the three most important things I learned about life: number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there's no such thing as security; and number three, don't go see "Ishtar." Woof.

• Sophia : Silly Rabbi, tricks are for kids.

• Sophia : My hiney's asleep.

  Dorothy : Fine, we'll keep our voices down.

• Sophia : I hate communism.

  Dorothy : Of course you hate communism, Ma it's because you were raised a fascist.

• Sophia : Please. Pay no attention to him. The man spent 90 days on the high seas drinking grain alchohol from a goat bladder.

• The Butler : My god. They've been murdered.

  Sophia : Does this mean we don't get any birthday cake?

• [on one of the flashback episodes when Dorothy is young] 

  Sophia : Where are you going?

  Salvadore Petrillo : To get some air.

  Sophia : We got air in the house.

  Salvadore Petrillo : I like beer with my air.

• Dorothy : You see what this holiday has become? You see? Everybody thinks the best way to show someone you care is by going into debt. I mean, where is the love? Where's the sharing? Where is the - the true spirit of Christmas?

  Sophia : Neiman-Marcus, Ladies Apparel, third floor.

• Sophia : It's a nightmare, we've been visited by the Yutz of Christmas Past.

• Rose : [on Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses]  Oh Sophia, I think you're a wonderful person. It's a lovely idea to divide Mrs. Claxton's funeral expenses equally.

  Sophia : Well I figure yours should be about half. After all you're the one that killed her.

• Sophia : Now if you'll excuse me I'll be in the living room being feeble. If I can find the living room.

• Sophia : Ribs, great... why don't you just kick the dentures out of my mouth?

• Rose : I just found out I'm the most boring on Earth.

  Sophia : Did something happen to Regis Philbin?

• Dorothy : Ma, I'm never playing cards with you again!

  Sophia : Yes you will. You're just too competitive. It's always been your worst feature. No, wait-your ears are your worst feature.

  Dorothy : Can you believe that?

  Blanche : No, I always thought your bony feet were your worst feature.