- Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: I'm Nikolas Van Helsing, professor of proctology and other related tendencies. A graduate of the University of Rangoon and assorted night classes at the Knoxville, Tennessee School of Faith Healing.
- J.J. McClure: You may be a little overqualified for this job.
- Jackie Chan, Subaru Driver: [the duo is driving at night with the headlights off, to avoid detection] This infrared is the cat's ass!
- J.J. McClure: I'm sure that doctor's a very sweet man, basically.
- Victor Prinsi: Oh, thank you.
- J.J. McClure: But don't you ever tell me where you found him. Ever.
- J.J. McClure: Listen to what I'm telling you. You go find a doctor. Get me Dr. Kildare. Get me Dr. Livingston. Get me Dr. Frankenstein. Just get me a doctor! Go where the... Go where the doctors hang out.
- Victor Prinsi: Where is that?
- J.J. McClure: Bars, golf courses.
- Victor Prinsi: Golf course, bar. All right. Where else? Hospital!
- J.J. McClure: Try that, too.
- [J.J. and Victor are pulled over by two priests in a red Ferrari]
- Victor Prinsi: Nice car, Father!
- Jamie Blake: Thank you, asshole.
- Jamie Blake: I just want to thank you for informin' them about us back in Missouri. You know, how we're flashers and sex maniacs.
- J.J. McClure: Well, I was just repayin' you for what you and the chocolate monk did back in Ohio.
- Fenderbaum: Chocolate monk?
- Jamie Blake: He can say that. Yeah, he can say that 'cause he's ridin' around with the Goodyear Blimp!
- J.J. McClure: [Looking at Vic] He can say that. He can say that 'cause if I had the time, I'd take those rosary beads and shove 'em up your nose.
- Jamie Blake: These rosary beads? Up this nose?
- J.J. McClure: Yeah.
- Jamie Blake: Will ya take a little advice? Bring friends.
- Fenderbaum: Ha! Lots of em!
- J.J. McClure: Look, we can't have a car with numbers on it. So, we're going to have to disguise the car somehow.
- Victor Prinsi: Alright.
- J.J. McClure: How about a big, black limousine with diplomatic plates?
- Victor Prinsi: Nah!
- J.J. McClure: Nah. I know! A bloodmobile! They wouldn't stop a bloodmobile, would they?
- Victor Prinsi: Nah!
- J.J. McClure: Nah.
- Victor Prinsi: An ice cream truck! Yeah, an ice cream truck! Y'know, they gotta get there before it melts!
- Organizer: Of course, you know certain skeptics note that perhaps 10,000 of the nation's most elite highway patrolmen are out there waiting for us after we start, but let's think positively! Think of the fact that there's not one state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding. Although I'm not so sure about Ohio.
- Mr. Foyt: Well, how do you all feel, now that you have raped the American highways?
- J.J. McClure: Beautiful!
- [finding the men's room locked, Van Helsing follows Pamela into the women's room]
- Pamela Glover: Wait a minute, you can't come in here.
- Doctor Nikolas Van Helsing: Madam, not to be indelicate but in my profession; if you've seen one, you've see them all.
- Pamela Glover: Oh, okay.
- Gas Station Attendant: 7-11, how can I help you?
- J.J. McClure: Pumps one and two, hit 'em!
- Gas Station Attendant: What are you, some kind of nut? You've got one unleaded there and one premium!
- J.J. McClure: She goes both ways. The round, orange moon pie with the white hat on, he'll pay for it.
- Fenderbaum: [noticing Blake acting oddly at bar] What is it?
- Jamie Blake: Look at the chicks! Boy, if we were Methodists, what a shot we could have had of getting laid right here!
- [guy at bar overhears and spits his drink out]
- Fenderbaum: We've got a secret weapon. God is our co-pilot!
- The Greek: You'll need him!
- Jamie Blake: *God* is our copilot?
- Fenderbaum: Uh huh.
- Jamie Blake: Remember our car?
- Fenderbaum: Uh huh.
- Jamie Blake: Two seats?
- Fenderbaum: Two seats.
- Jamie Blake: Where's he gonna sit?
- [smack]
- Jamie Blake: Where's he gonna sit?
- [smack]
- The Sheik: My driving is rivaled only by the lightning bolts from the heavens!
- [thunder crashes]
- Sheik's Sister: So you still intend to enter the race with the infidel Americans?
- The Sheik: The Cannonball will fall to the forces of Islam!
- [thunder crashes]
- The Sheik: My dear sister! I swear it!
- J.J. McClure: Excuse me. Excuse me. Hey, Mad Dog!
- Mad Dog: Hey, J.J!
- J.J. McClure: Look, you probably didn't realize this, but the parking lot's outside.
- Mad Dog: I know. The brakes went out.
- J.J. McClure: Who do you think you are? The president?
- Mad Dog: [imitating Richard Nixon] Well, let me make one thing perfectly clear, we feel terrible about it. Now, if they can't take a joke,
- [gives the up yours arm gesture sans finger]
- J.J. McClure: What's Dr. Gay do?
- Victor Prinsi: He's my shrink. He was committed yesterday.
- J.J. McClure: Why?
- Victor Prinsi: He was smoking bananas. He gets very upset when he talks to 'Him'.
- J.J. McClure: So do I!
- Fenderbaum: Isn't that J.J. McClure?
- Jamie Blake: He's nothing. Don't worry about him. It's the Blimp next to him! The Blimp! When he puts on that mask, he'll blow your goddamn doors off!
- J.J. McClure: Thanks to you, Victor, we do not have a female patient in the back. Thanks to your wonderful cousin, Tessie.
- Victor Prinsi: Well, it's not my fault that she didn't fit in the stretcher!
- J.J. McClure: She doesn't fit in the AMBULANCE!
- [J.J. is pissed that Captain Chaos has disappeared]
- J.J. McClure: When you don't want him, he's around! When you want him, he's not around! I'm gonna go get a beer!
- Captain Chaos: DA-DA-DUM!
- Fenderbaum: [Fenderbaum and Blake's Ferrari drives alongside J.J.'s ambulance] Pull over! We want to give you our blessing!
- Victor Prinsi: J.J., there are two priests in that car. They want us to pull over.
- J.J. McClure: Victor, that's two priests driving a Ferrari. When's the last time you saw two priests drive a Ferrari? What are they doing, taking home the bingo money?
- Victor Prinsi: No, they're doing the work of the Lord. In a Ferrari, they can just do it faster.
- Organizer: You are certainly the most distinguished group of highway scofflaws and degenerates ever gathered together in one place!
- [Brad drives through the bar on his motorcycle]
- Fenderbaum: What in the hell was that?
- Jamie Blake: Oh, that must've been the entry of the National Safety Council.
- Mr. Foyt: Terrorists, my dimpled ass! These people make terrorists look like the Sisters of Charity! These guys are Cannonballers!
- Pamela Glover: What is that? A bowling team?
- Organizer: I'd like to welcome you all to an event that's sometimes been called the automotive counterpart to the Bay of Pigs.
- Cop: [J.J. avoids a roadblock and wrecks the Porsche] What are you, some kind of nut? Who do you think you are?
- Victor Prinsi: Da-dum-duuummmm! I am Captain Chaos! And this, this is my faithful companion, Cato. Say hello, Cato!
- Victor Prinsi: [cop looks at Victor with disgust] Been a cop long?
- Victor Prinsi: Thank you, Father.
- Fenderbaum: Why don't you take that piece of shit back to the junkyard?
- [laughs and drives away]
- J.J. McClure: Hey, Victor! Didya get anything to eat?
- Victor Prinsi: Yeah, I gotta lotta goodies for you guys and a Big Gulp Dr Pepper for me!
- [singing and dancing]
- Victor Prinsi: "I'm a pepper/You're a pepper/He's a pepper/She's a pepper/Wouldn't ya like to be a pepper, too?
- J.J. McClure: [impatiently] WILL YOU GET IN HERE?
- [during the brawl with the bikers, Seymour Goldfarb, Jr stands aside with his girlfriend until one of the bikers menacingly approaches them, holding a heavy wrench]
- Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [to his girlfriend] Step back, my dear.
- [the girl steps back. Seymour makes karate moves, with the music of James Bond movies playing in the background]
- Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [to the biker] I must warn you, I'm Roger Moore!
- Biker: [frowns] Who?
- Seymour Goldfarb Jr: [leans forward so the biker can hear him better] Roger Moore!
- [the biker, unimpressed, punches Seymour in the mouth. Seymour groans in pain, covers his mouth, then slumps helplessly to the ground]
- Mad Dog: Hey, you the one running this fleabag?
- Desk Clerk: Huh?
- Mad Dog: Where the hookers?
- Desk Clerk: What?
- Mad Dog: Hookers, man! Where the hookers?
- Bradford Compton: Shakey, it's kinda tough to get close to you. Last time I saw you, you were a bit more svelte.
- Shaky Finch: Yeah, well what can I tell you? In the pizza business, when things are slow you tend to eat the inventory.
- Bradford Compton: Yeah, but listen, Shakey, that's not good for the Cannonball. You know that! I mean, you don't need a motorcycle, you need the Super Chief!
- Shaky Finch: But even with the extra tonnage, I'm still the best there is!
- Jamie Blake: [sarcastically] That's a good-looking piece! And cunningly disguised so it won't look like a racing car. You know, the cops would never give that a second glance!
- Jill Rivers: 220 miles an hour and they aren't gonna get a second glance!
- [Seymour pulls up to the starting line with his lights off]
- Seymour Goldfarb Jr: Would you mind?
- [the official punches his time card and gives it to him]
- Seymour Goldfarb Jr: Thank you.
- Organizer: Might be easier with your lights on.
- Seymour Goldfarb Jr: Why advertise?
- [JJ has "tackled" all the other contestants at the end]
- Seymour Goldfarb Jr: Well, I must say, that's not a very sporting way to win.
- Jamie Blake: No, it was a shitty way to win!
- Bradford Compton: Bradford Compton. Perhaps you've heard of me. I'm on Wall Street.
- Chief Biker: We don't ride on Wall Street.
- Biker: [cutting off Compton's necktie] Yeah, we don't ride on Wall Street!
- Pamela Glover: I can't believe this is happening to me. This is not a joke any more. I'm being kidnapped.
- J.J. McClure: Well, you can call it kidnapping if you want to be rude.