Mike's Reviews > The Lords of Salem

Lords of Salem recounts the tale of the descendant of a Colonial-era witchhunter who has been targeted for revenge by some of his victims.

I will admit that firstly I'm a long-time horror fan, and secondly that I don't that highly of Rob Zombie's cinematic efforts (Devil's Rejects aside). Despite that, I figured I would try his attempt at a novel out. The book starts out promisingly enough, but ultimately failed to entertain. If this had simply been a book tie-in for the movie as once was popular, I might have judged the book less hardly. But when Zombie plasters his name at the top and then tries to charge almost $10.00 for an ebook, I'm not going to be as forgiving.

Firstly, I will give credit where it's due. The writing itself is generally good, though the dialogue feels a little creaky at times. The book is also a quick read, so it will not take long for readers to finish. I will also say that some of the dream sequences, though there are way too many, are quite effective - particularly those involving the TV.

The characters are so-so. None of them are particularly textured or vivid, and their traits are "meh" at most. Herman is stuck in the 70's and smoke cigars. Whitey is lazy and likes Heidi. Heidi is an ex-drug addict and loves her dog. The drug addiction angle is fleshed out more, but frankly it felt like a crutch to allow Heidi to explain away all the insane things happening to her that a typical person would be scared by. Furthermore, none of them are really given enough time on the page that you're really rooting for them.

Most annoying though is Zombie's typical glorification of evil. I root for Jason Vorhees just as much as the next guy, so that does not automatically bother me. But as with many of his stories, the evil seems to be glorified simply for an anti-authority, alternative, counter-culture aesthetic based solely around shock value. Yes, it's shocking when nice/good-hearted characters die, but automatically not satisfying from a narrative point of view. Creating a reason that good and evil are not as far apart as we think (which they hint at in the book with the cruelty of the witchhunter and his assistants) would have been a more nuanced and interesting idea, but the characters who are punished are so removed from the original crime that their punishment carries no sense of fairness or even commiseration with the bad girls for wanting revenge. As it is the "evil is more interesting and powerful than good" theme is tired at best, and eye-rollingly "edgy" at worst.

There are a number of contrivances that make the book unsatisfying as well. In a book where the Devil is real and helping his disciples, it stands that the converse would be true. Nope, just the bad guys get any help, which is convenient. It's also convenient that all the ancestors of the witchhunters just happen to be women, which are the only gender affected by the spell of revenge. It's convenient that only one character in the book seems to question all the bizarre stuff going on. Also, what was the point of the two nuns in the story?

As is evident, I cannot recommend this book. It's overpriced, undersatisfying, and displays a typical Zombie penchant for "evil is better" which doesn't really float my boat. If you are a Zombie fan, I have no doubt you'll like it as it is something different than his usual psychopathic serial killer plot, but familiar enough to enjoy. Anyone who has not like Zombie's other efforts and are thinking of giving him a second chance like I did - save your time and money.