Melody Schwarting's Reviews > The Book You Wish Your Parents Had Read [and Your Children Will Be Glad That You Did]

I am not a parent, but I work with children, so I find it helpful to dip into parenting/childcare books every once in a while. Perry's thesis boils down to feeling with your child, focusing on empathy rather than the extremes of authoritarian parenting ("because I said so, that's why") and detached parenting ("I don't care"). She repeatedly emphasized that her method takes a lot of time, but to be honest, I was persuaded by her argument that taking time to empathize with children in the moment paves the road later on. Not only does repeated empathetic interaction build self-regulating habits in children, it also sets communicative patterns that avoid other time-suckers like tantrums in the grocery store.

Perry tried hard not to be judgy, but I found her extremely judgmental in a few places, particularly with sleep training. It felt very much out of tone with the rest of the book, as she didn't come down that hard on any other aspect of parenting. I think it is impossible to write a parenting book that doesn't sound judgmental at all, but lightening this one instance would have been a boon to the book.

All in all, I liked some of her advice on empathizing with children, and how to "feel with" a child especially in the days before they are old enough to "reason with." So many parenting techniques I've come across, especially religious ones, attempt to make life easier for parents by using manipulation. (In my childhood, I recall seeing my friends being parented that way, and it never made sense to me.) The world simply doesn't work that way (can't recall the last time I got a gold star sticker for fulfilling all my responsibilities) and my work with children doesn't create a space for implementing those techniques anyway. So I find it helpful to have alternative techniques that focus on emotional connection and communication rather than manipulation, even if benign.

Overall, I found it interesting. I gained some new insights. I look forward to helping the children I work with learn to emotionally self-regulate (focusing on the root of the problem) rather than trying to distract them from inconvenient feelings or dissuade them from inconvenient behavior (treating the symptom).