With only seven issues spanning thirteen years of print and publication, Cemetery Dance’s Grave Tales can’t be said to have been a short-lived seriesWith only seven issues spanning thirteen years of print and publication, Cemetery Dance’s Grave Tales can’t be said to have been a short-lived series, but the time and money afforded the artists probably made it difficult to bring these short story adaptations to life in a timely—or regular—fashion. No slouches on this project, cranking out weekly crap.
Inspired by the EC horror comics of old, this inaugural installment has original and adapted stories by Rick Hautala (illustrated by Cemetery Dance mainstay Uber-detailer Glenn Chadbourne), Edward Lee, and Richard Layman, along with some lesser-knowns.
The cover is deceptive in that none of these are Halloween stories, but it was nonetheless a great trio of morbidity and gore.
In the first tale, Late Summer Shadows , Hautala does what he does best, reminiscing on a whimsical woodland adventure turned grim and deadly, the past returning to cease the present, as told by a future survivor.
Next is an oddly religious story by Gene Michael Higney, adapted by purveyor of perversity, Edward Lee. Comes the Night Wind, Cold and Hungry is the goriest course, with a terrific paneled montage of a demonic killer clown’s exploits.
For dessert, so nearly a Halloween story; Richard Laymon’s Stickman could’ve been, should’ve been. Why not? A defiling serial killer returns from the dead to exact corrupt vengeance for his comeuppance at vigilante hands and rope. A quick, mean conclusion to the anthology in which justice does not ultimately prevail.
I’d love to see a new issue appear, but after a decade-long hiatus, it probably just wasn’t profitable enough....more
A grotesque little tale of a witch who is stalked home by the garments of her latest victim and a jack-o’-lantern containing his anguished soul as sheA grotesque little tale of a witch who is stalked home by the garments of her latest victim and a jack-o’-lantern containing his anguished soul as she returns from gathering the herbs for her potions. Once arrived, the dispersed articles come knocking to enact revenge, but unfortunately for him, the crone has completed her concoction and mutters a spell, assembling and immobilizing the amassed pile of laundry. The next morning, she greets her new scarecrow, eternally condemned to stationary consciousness, a jagged grin belying his torment.
I may have interpolated some details to make my reading experience a little more interesting....more
I wouldn’t dare suggest that some of you wonderful weirdos don’t luv Halloween as much as I do, but I can confidently declare that you’d be hard-pressI wouldn’t dare suggest that some of you wonderful weirdos don’t luv Halloween as much as I do, but I can confidently declare that you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who luvs it more than I do. I don’t merely celebrate. I, as much as I can manage for the entire month of October, observe Halloween like a devout Catholic observes Lent, or a devout Muslim observes Ramadan. I would not take offense to being labeled a Halloween zealot, or fundamentalist. I want the spirit of the season incorporated into everything I do for those 31 sacred days. I don’t expect anyone in my life to go along with it, just that they respect it.
Anyway, that covers the title of this mid-2000’s manga guignol, and is it ever the epitome of turn-of-the-century, edgy goth energy. Manga in categorization, ostensibly, but it has far more in common with the graphic novels of Jhonen Vasquez, both in art style and content.
It is a filthy, non-sequiter, nightmare world that fifteen-year-old me would have been obsessed with had I discovered it at Hot Topic. Corrupt, psychopathic children wander a hellscape inversion of our world, brutalizing anyone who interferes with their candy quest. It is commonplace, and our trick-or-treating troupe couldn’t be more nonchalant about all the havoc.
Finch and his demonic tooth fairy sister Moochie (introduced by way of wrenching a molar from her rotting father’s mouth as his rotting wife sits across from him at the dinner table), sets in motion this demented Devil’s Night. Finch and his degenerate friends (none of whom we ever see out of costume) receive apples at their first house. This does not bode well for their endeavor, and so disproportionately malicious measures must be taken in response.
From then on, a rampage of revenge and perversion ensues. (Hellbent on seeing his voluptuous neighbor’s boobs, one friend’s head literally explodes when—after said neighbor chases the hellions down to regain her massive discarded bra which Moochie subsequently repurposed for a slingshot used to Goliath a bully through the eye socket—she flashes the child in order to, I don’t know, spite him?
A bedridden old woman is disemboweled, a police officer bites into a razor-riddled apple, a dimwitted bully has his teeth crudely extracted, a candy-hander-outer is savaged by a deformed dog, and a random little girl is wearing a Glassjaw Sux shirt as part of her costume.
If I weren’t so familiar with this trend of random chaos in the days when Nickelodeon greenlit a show like Invader Zim, I’d think I had a psychotic episode and this series didn’t even really exist....more
This is not a fun, spooky, gory, or even necessarily ghostly tale. It is a grim, ghastly and sad story that alludes to mental illness, obsession, deniThis is not a fun, spooky, gory, or even necessarily ghostly tale. It is a grim, ghastly and sad story that alludes to mental illness, obsession, denial, delusion, and broken familial bonds.
Don’t take it for a respectful, miserable exploration of these themes. There are—at least—visions of monsters and apparitions. It is about the horror of ambiguity in a world in which the supernatural is no more widely believed than our own, but which doesn’t dissuade from the potentiality of a twelve-year-old mass-murderer being influenced by something beyond his own or anyone else’s understanding.
Rick, a recently released childhood killer (double meaning there), has not wavered on his story after twenty-five years of incarceration, reaches out to his brother to try and convince him one last time before attempting to rid himself of this nebulous entity for good, but can’t provide any motivation on its behalf.
Does he genuinely believe his admittedly consistent accounting of events? Is it an elaborately constructed excuse; a coping mechanism? Or is there, just maybe, something wreaking havoc on children on Halloween for years, centuries?
It may not be as deep as all that. You may read it, think back to this review (likely not), and think calm down, dude! It’s a lame trope we’ve seen countless times before. Yes, as are most things in all stories. I don’t invest much in the way of murderers crying possession, spirits, extraterrestrial signals, what have you, but in the context of the story, it’s a distressing possibility, however minuscule, to consider....more
I commend a collection from anyone who revels in the exhilarating autumn ethos as I do. We are black and orange family. We are Bradburian sons and dauI commend a collection from anyone who revels in the exhilarating autumn ethos as I do. We are black and orange family. We are Bradburian sons and daughters of crisp and cool air, bonfire nights, piles of fallen leaves, and Haunted Harvests.
Perhaps better served as pieces of text on picturesque fall backdrops, spooky paraphernalia, or Halloween greeting cards than as an overly brief pamphlet, I appreciate the cathartic tradition of capturing the seasonal pleasures as documented poems of essential being....more
Treehouse of Horror is another staple of Halloween tradition, albeit one that has significantly declined in quality over the years and which I have noTreehouse of Horror is another staple of Halloween tradition, albeit one that has significantly declined in quality over the years and which I have not maintained.
I don’t expect any Simpsons output of the last fifteen years to compete with the golden age, let alone a comic book that plays on nothing but the most superficial aspects of iconic characters. I don’t expect anything to stack up to classic entries in the annual Halloween episodes like The Shinning, Nightmare at 5 1/2 Feet, or surprisingly, and more recently, Death Tome, (parodies of Stephen King’s The Shining, The Twilight Zone/Richard Matheson’s Nightmare at 20,000 Feet and Death Note, respectively).
I like that the tradition has been kept alive in other mediums, but it’s a lazy affair. These parodies of Evil Dead/Cabin in the Woods, Rosemary’s Baby, Batman: Arkham Asylum, and nominally, The Bride of Frankenstein were a far cry from what has made the Treehouse of Horror specials so, well, special.
Ending on a lame punchline about Homer’s love of doughnuts and beer just goes to show how little effort was put into this and how little they seemed to care to create something lasting....more
”So many awful things to see. So many terrible beasts to be. You’re not you and I’m not me, tonight.” —Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks, Halloween is”So many awful things to see. So many terrible beasts to be. You’re not you and I’m not me, tonight.” —Lonesome Wyatt and the Holy Spooks, Halloween is Here
That’s what I’m talking about! A fun-size treat that opens cozily and concludes catastrophically.
I didn’t know what to expect with this short story. I didn’t know if it was extreme horror, or spooky children’s fare. It was that mysterious candy you don’t recognize when sorting out your haul after trick-or-treating. It turned out to occupy a Goldilocks zone. It was a direct, straightforward, easy and pleasurable Halloween story that would have been a great addition to a Halloween horror anthology.
Three brief interwoven perspectives of the same unfolding horror show as the sun sets on Halloween night, and all the trick-or-treaters’ costumes render the pretenders a little more literal. The elements were all just right. I cannot find much fault in its simplicity. The aging couple, the horny teens, and the overworked police officer all got just enough time and development to invest before they are blindsided by barbarity.
I would call it old-school contemporary, authentic Halloween horror in good company with Trick ‘r Treat, or Halloween III: Season of the Witch. No embellishment, subversion, politicking, or posturing; just an out-and-out love for the holiday season and the terror we love to safely feel in its imaginative presence. ...more
A Halloween twist on The House that Jack Built . Not the Lars Von Trier film, or the Graham Masterton novel, but the original nursery rhyme, This is tA Halloween twist on The House that Jack Built . Not the Lars Von Trier film, or the Graham Masterton novel, but the original nursery rhyme, This is the House That Jack Built , with which I don’t recall being familiarized as a child, somehow. No matter. Everything can be improved by integrating Halloween themes.
The verse is cute enough, simple, incorporating all the classic Halloween cast of creatures, although not reliably felicitous: (The skeleton was rattled. That checks out, but the werewolf…got upset? What about hair-raised, snarled, moonstruck? Something, anything that ties in with the lore somehow. (Werewolves, notoriously disappointed creatures).
Here I am, griping about lycanthropes and children’s literature again. Somebody stop me. Now to dissect Shakira’s hit song, She Wolf. Awooooo!
But the star of This is the House That Monsters Built is undoubtedly illustrator Jared Lee, most famous, I think, for the (School Authority Figure from the) Black Lagoon series, innocently macabre and memorable books.
The detail in Lee’s signature style shows commitment and personality. This is no exception. Like buzzing childhood nightmares, it is the perfect blend of fun and fright.
Sing this book to your kids, your pets; invent your own spooky melody, imprint the images, and create a cherished Halloween memory....more
“That country whose people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain.” —Ray Br“That country whose people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain.” —Ray Bradbury, The October Country
Getting ready for Halloween is a year-long affair for us autumnal fiends. I can’t profess that I am always in the Halloween spirit, but I am always in anticipation, homesick for sensations constrained by time as I toil through the torrid torture of summer. A bit maudlin, I know, but there is nothing sweeter than when the cool wind begins blowing fallen leaves through the air, the iconography of hallowed tradition, and the excuse to delve unabashedly in all things paradoxically cozy and eerie.
As I commence this year’s All Hallows’ Read, I am exhilarated to return to form, as a jaded, overworked, fed up, formerly forlorn grown man grasping at guileless wonder once again. For reasons best kept to myself, the last few years have been lacking on this front for me, but I invite you to join me, if you share these seasonal feelings.
As for this children’s book, the description on the back cover serves its purpose better than the Microsoft Paint quality art and, curiously, papyrus text rhymes inside:
”During this season, the players awake, the preparations are being made. Get ready for spooky holiday fun as October merriment they make. The sights, sounds, colors, and smells of autumn fill the air. This is a beautiful time of year. For some, this represents a special time in which seasonal memories are made.”
I’d say I couldn’t have said it better myself, but maybe I kind of did? In any case I’m obliged to concur, and I’m still happy to use it as my inaugural seasonal kickoff....more
That’s right! The much anticipated second selection of my nostalgic ‘90’s Robin Williams Junior Novelization Triple Feature Spectacular Extravaganza iThat’s right! The much anticipated second selection of my nostalgic ‘90’s Robin Williams Junior Novelization Triple Feature Spectacular Extravaganza is Disney’s classic, Disney’s Aladdin (which is apparently spelled with only one ‘L’ and two ‘Ds.’ I have a Mandela Effect memory of it being the other way around, making it difficult to search for this book).
I thought it it would be funny if they just took an abridged version of the original story from One Thousand and One Nights, slapped the cartoon cover on it and called it a day. I doubt that’s the case, but stand by for confirmation....more
I can really only describe this short story as insignificant. It smacks of being produced by a randomized writing exercise generator, which are fun, bI can really only describe this short story as insignificant. It smacks of being produced by a randomized writing exercise generator, which are fun, but infrequently worth reading, let alone publishing:
Main Character: Demure restauranteur Place: Koreatown Situation: Demonic possession Theme: Ancient cultural wisdom
I am a collector of limited edition horror chapbooks. That is why I read this as an inexplicably standalone horror farce with no better additional stories to curve the rating in its favor.
Pansu is a preposterous horror-comedy skit devoid of scares or humor. One would at least expect an ironic twist or creepy cliffhanger to bring it home after the lame proceedings, but it ends with what I suspect was a pitiful attempt at a joke about Asian cuisine of the “let’s do the opposite next time” variety so common in straight-to-video schlock from the ‘80’s. (e.g. *couple gets attacked by shark while vacationing in the Bahamas* Last line: “For our next vacation, we’re going to the mountains.” *Freeze frame* *Credits* Har har har!)
I have copy 393 of 600 signed and numbered softcovers of this story and it’s a cool-looking collectible on account of Glenn Chabourne’s exquisite contribution as cover artist, but I can’t rate it higher just because it would make a good framed piece without the junk inside....more
I would think that a monstrous piss-take of a popular children’s genre would have some accompanying visual depictions of the entities poetically descrI would think that a monstrous piss-take of a popular children’s genre would have some accompanying visual depictions of the entities poetically described within, but alas, the only one we get is on the cover which, after reading its corresponding entry--
…Jagged fangs, eyestalks, a dorsal fin, a beard of tentacles, filthy vulture feet…
--doesn’t leave much doubt that it is indeed the Sewer Clam.
I reckon commissioning an artist for this project would have been too costly and the limited space available would have been difficult to double, interspersed between the already crammed pages. Many of these entries are better left to the imagination anyway. Therefore, I wouldn’t consider it a big disappointment.
This was imaginative, bizarre, ludicrous, jocular, and even had some quality verse.
Without further ado, here are my brief and bare summaries of each entry:
A for Adipossum: Parasitic larvae multiply in skin cells, causing morbid, undulating obesity; keep expanding, but never die; non-fatal B for Blammoeba: Temperamental nuclear nuggets B for Brown Creeper: Existential specters haunting basements of childhood homes. Fears give way to age-related cognitive and physical decline. C for Control Freak: Viral, severe OCD. D for Dungfish: Pretty self-explanatory; Eukaryotic Excrement Enthusiast; Siluriformic shit-lord; chordotic crap-eater. E for Elefantoccin: Puppeteer’s soul transferred to his winged-elephant creation, but not the brain. He floats up aimlessly, mindlessly, eternally. F for Fire Slug: A nihilistic creation myth. G for Glucozoth: Not a Pfizer diabetes medication, but a saccharine tyrant of gluttony, subsuming those who consume. G for Grandaddy Longlegs: One of my favorites; Steampunk, Antarctic arachnid gargantuan.
“It lives off sound-waves, constantly feasting On the mad roar of eternally howling winds.”
H for Heliosaurus: Invisible, beyond microscopic, utterly taciturn dinosaur. Indistinguishable from nothing at all. I for Internet Witch: Witches on the internet. What can I say? J for Jelly Chicken: Half jellyfish, half chicken, all monster. (Getting a bit lazy with the names). K for Kleptomunculi: Tiny, vegetable-stealing cannibals. L for Lungpuppy: Smoking induced condition in which the lungs literally burst from body as living canines; fatal. M for Mollywog: Amphibious, shrinking kittens have a penchant for neutering sleeping humans. N for Necromorph: Ineffectual malevolent roadkill. O for Oncoloscarabaeus:(Most satisfying pronunciation). (I’ve heard some wild Ancient Egyptian alternative histories, but…) carcinogenic beetle juice used by pharaohs as mascara? P for Plastozoid: Plastic parasites from microwavable Tupperware; causes lethal stupidity and vapidity. Q for Quetzalcuckoo: Clinically insane feathered dickheads. R for Rat-A-Tattlers: Genetically experimental snake-rats crawl up toilet drains in packs to devour humans, asshole first. S for Sewer Clam: Putrid assembly of mollusk, aquatic creatures, and a scavenger bird. (See cover illustration). T for Theodoptera:Winged kaleidoscopic ray of wonder probably exists only as a collective psychedelic trip at music festivals. T for Tumble Roach: Time-travelling, flesh-eating swarms of arthropods appearing as dried Amaranthus albus in the wind. U for Ultragorgon: Alcoholic, woman-presenting beast; ever-shifting for male attention. U for Urban Lamprey:Humanoid entrail sucker. V for Vyvyka Megamega: Art eater. W for Were-Mannequin: Infectious immobility after being attacked by a storefront prop. X for Xeno Sapiens: Celebrities. Y for Yellow-tailed Satanus: Interdimensional bird; not traditionally alive. Z for Zumble Bee: Zom-bees make barbecue sauce honey, I guess? Z for Zzhark: Consume all life on earth at some point, as the prophecy goes, except germs, including each other. Simplicity restorers. That’s a wrap. Life is good.
________________ I have lettered edition U of 78 (I'm not sure what that means) specially printed copies from Dead Letter Press....more
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