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Standing By: The Making of an American Military Family in a Time of War
Alison Buckholtz never dreamed she would marry a military man, but when she met her husband, an active-duty Navy pilot, nothing could stop her from building a life with him—not even his repeated attempts to talk her out of marriage. He didn’t want her to have to make the kinds of sacrifices long required of the spouses of military personnel. They wed shortly after September 11, 2001 and, since then, their life together has been marked by long separations and unforeseen challenges, but also unexpected rewards. Standing By is Buckholtz’s candid and moving account of her family’s experiences during her husband’s seven-month deployment on an aircraft carrier in the Persian Gulf. With insight and humor she describes living near a military base in Washington State, far from home and in the midst of great upheaval, while trying to keep life as normal as possible for the couple’s two young children. But she is not alone in her struggle. In Standing By, Buckholtz portrays her friendships with other military wives and the ways in which this supportive community of women helps one another to endure—to even thrive—during difficult times. Throughout Standing By, Buckholtz speaks honestly about the culture shock she experienced transitioning into the role of a military wife. Because she had been raised to conquer the world on her own terms rather than be a more traditional wife and mother supporting her husband’s career, the world of the Armed Forces was at first as unfamiliar as a foreign land. But a remarkable and surprising series of events has challenged her long-held assumptions about the military, motherhood, and even the nature of American citizenship. A rare and intimate portrait of one of the tens of thousands of families who now wait patiently for their service member to return home safely, Standing By is a window into what matters most for families everywhere. Alison Buckholtz’s articles and essays have appeared in the New York Times, Washington Post and Washington Post Magazine, Real Simple, Forbes Global, Salon.com and many other publications. She was a resident of Washington, D.C. before she married into the military and now lives in Washington State with her husband and two children. This is her first book.
320 pages, Hardcover
First published February 21, 2009
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Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews
May 16, 2013
This is both a candid, personal account by Buckholtz of her ordeal as the spouse of a Navy wing commander deployed in Iraq--an ordeal of long- distance love and of single parenting and home-making as she remains stationed in the Northwest--and a literary and journalistic consideration of the role of military wife (think Penelope in the Odyssey), including interviews with a broad range of Buckholtz's counterparts, research into Naval traditions and family policies, and revealing statistics about religion, gender, and the psychological fallout of this situation. As a feminist, a Jew, and an intellectual, Buckholtz is an unlikely candidate for the "hive mentality" of military family life, but emerges with loving commitment to the person her husband is (and to his commitment to service) as well as with confidence in her own resourcefulness as a wife, mother, and person.
November 29, 2012
Alison Buckholtz’s memoir is a universal story of friendship, family and endurance that reveals the history of the American military spouse from Revolutionary War camp followers to her own experience as a Navy wife in the post-9/11 world. Standing By is sometimes funny, sometimes heartbreaking, but always a beautiful, honest book about the toil and triumph of modern military life.
January 5, 2022
As a retired member of the military and one that deployed during the early phase of Operation Iraqi Freedom - I found the "other side" of the deployment circle (family at home) to be very compelling. The author made it clear from the beginning that this was her first book and she was only speaking about her experience in an attempt to help others in similar situations. She wrote it after being encouraged to do so by publishers who received excellent reviews of her articles related to the same and I am so glad to have found it. I recall initially being overwhelmed at having to leave my wife and three young children for close to a year (pre and post deployment work up's and 8 month deployment). I did feel that they were more "fortunate" in that they had each other to soften the blow but no longer feel that way. I know that I was quickly engulfed in long days and many weeks without any time off so that constant missing of loved ones was often drowned by pressing circumstances. I knew my wife was having to shoulder so much (2 teens and a soon to be teen) in my absence but now have a much broader understanding of just how hard that can be. I also knew of countless others in my unit and subordinate units who experienced life altering family and financial issues (broken families, lost businesses, deaths and births) while deployed and powerless to really contribute or assist. This book is an excellent read on the impacts of those at home - which has been too often overlooked. While it is clear that the military in general has improved in recognizing and assisting families of deployed members - I am sure it is still mostly up to the families, friends and spouses of those deployed to carry the weight of those deployments. By the way - they continue today - even with the withdrawal from both Iraq and Afghanistan. Deployments are a fact of military service and just because the threat for those deployed may be less right now - the absence is still felt by those left at home. It is never too late to read something like this - hopefully it will bring us closer as a nation to understanding the sacrifices of those who serve (family and service member alike).
August 19, 2017
Read Harder 2017: Book about War
This book has been on my shelves for years, I believe I bought it during my husband's deployment in 2010, and I've had it earmarked all year to read for this item in the Read Harder Challenge. As a bonus incentive, I also recently met the author, Alison Buckholtz, at a book signing for a book by another military spouse (Siobhan Fallon for her new book The Confusion of Languages).
This is a beautifully written memoir, accurately reflecting the highs and lows of military spouse life, especially for someone (like me) who never saw herself as a "military wife." I was deeply impressed by how Buckholtz truly opened her heart and soul to the reader, such a gift. I also especially appreciated that she brought her Jewish faith and love of literature and poetry into the book. It's not easy to share some of the intimate emotional details (both good and bad) about military spouse life that Buckholtz shares to my friends, must less to put them out there for all to read. I admire her bravery, and I am so glad she did share her story. Highly recommend, even for non-military friends, because the writing is just so lovely and thoughtful.
This book has been on my shelves for years, I believe I bought it during my husband's deployment in 2010, and I've had it earmarked all year to read for this item in the Read Harder Challenge. As a bonus incentive, I also recently met the author, Alison Buckholtz, at a book signing for a book by another military spouse (Siobhan Fallon for her new book The Confusion of Languages).
This is a beautifully written memoir, accurately reflecting the highs and lows of military spouse life, especially for someone (like me) who never saw herself as a "military wife." I was deeply impressed by how Buckholtz truly opened her heart and soul to the reader, such a gift. I also especially appreciated that she brought her Jewish faith and love of literature and poetry into the book. It's not easy to share some of the intimate emotional details (both good and bad) about military spouse life that Buckholtz shares to my friends, must less to put them out there for all to read. I admire her bravery, and I am so glad she did share her story. Highly recommend, even for non-military friends, because the writing is just so lovely and thoughtful.
June 29, 2021
There's only ever been one book I couldn't finish.... This one unfortunately became the 2nd. After a few weeks of trying I stopped before page 90. Yes the author captures what its like being a mother and a wife to a military member. The long absences, raising kids alone.... However, she takes on a very negative point of view. Unfortunately, that is very hard to read. Being a military spouse myself I get it, I do. But living negative isn't going to get you very far in this lifestyle. Aside from her point of view there was a lot of tangents. One minute we are talking about a wives club and suddenly I am being given a 2 page history lesson. Or she is telling us about a day with her kids and then suddenly the difference between her life and normal marriage. The book definitely reads like an autobiography. I would have rather it been told in more of a fictional form. Would have been easier to read.
This entire review has been hidden because of spoilers.
January 24, 2020
Engaging, thoughtful memoir of a contemporary Navy spouse. The author doesn't fit the image many have of a military wife, so it's an especially good read for someone more familiar with civilian lifestyles. Tales of her kids' poignant adjustments, and her own, express the deployment experience with nuance and precision.
March 24, 2023
The writer gives an honest view of the life of a military family and the hardships they endure during deployment.
June 4, 2013
Alison Buckholtz never imagined she’d be the wife of someone in the military, so when she fell in love with and married a navy man, she found herself navigating an alien world. And when she and her husband, Scott, began to have children, she discovered the tightly knit community of other military wives helped her through his long deployments on an aircraft carrier.
Her memoir, Standing By: The Making of an American Military Family in a Time of War, is a candid look at what life is like for couples, moms especially, who are raising children as their spouses are assigned to remote and often dangerous locations for months, sometimes even a year or more.
Buckholtz writes with honesty about her mixed feelings of war, politics, and the policies that rule how members of the military are assigned. She shares her frustrations about being a single parent while her husband is away, and the challenges she faces helping her children deal with their own separation grief.
Sprinkled in with Buckholtz’s personal narrative are stories of other women she meets, mostly during the time her family spent in Anacortes, Washington. Through her eyes readers get a glimpse of a world that is unknown to most people who are not part of the extended military family. Buckholtz weaves together a story that covers the historical role played by military wives while also talking about how their role continues to change in current times.
Standing By can provide insight to the challenges parents and families in the military face. I believe it’s a good choice for someone in a similar situation as hers, extended family members who may be wondering how to help military families, and even readers who have no personal connection to someone serving.
The publisher provided me with a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.
Her memoir, Standing By: The Making of an American Military Family in a Time of War, is a candid look at what life is like for couples, moms especially, who are raising children as their spouses are assigned to remote and often dangerous locations for months, sometimes even a year or more.
Buckholtz writes with honesty about her mixed feelings of war, politics, and the policies that rule how members of the military are assigned. She shares her frustrations about being a single parent while her husband is away, and the challenges she faces helping her children deal with their own separation grief.
Sprinkled in with Buckholtz’s personal narrative are stories of other women she meets, mostly during the time her family spent in Anacortes, Washington. Through her eyes readers get a glimpse of a world that is unknown to most people who are not part of the extended military family. Buckholtz weaves together a story that covers the historical role played by military wives while also talking about how their role continues to change in current times.
Standing By can provide insight to the challenges parents and families in the military face. I believe it’s a good choice for someone in a similar situation as hers, extended family members who may be wondering how to help military families, and even readers who have no personal connection to someone serving.
The publisher provided me with a copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.
June 7, 2015
now that the school is winding down of COURSE I can actually start reading again. I picked up this book at Bookstock and I was inspired to start reading it once Memorial Day rolled around. The book is a memoir of Allison Buckholz and her family during her Navy husband's deployment during the Iraq War. I thought she did a good job explaining the nuances of the military and her story seemed to resonate with many other military wives who shared her plight. My only criticisms was the lack of energy in the book, her short chapters covered a multitude of topics without any real resolution and as a mother I related to her, but I wasn't necessarily moved to tears or laughter by any of her words.
Overall, solid read but not sure if I would ever come back to it.
Overall, solid read but not sure if I would ever come back to it.
October 16, 2011
This book was frustrating in that it drew me in but also bored me! I wish it were more chronological. It was hard for me to shake the feeling that the author was majorly going on the bright side at some points. Her judginess about non military mindsets consistently got on my nerves because most civilians I know, even pre-9/11, didn't look down on military service and neither did I. However, it was definitely an interesting book at times and it showed me how difficult and rewarding this lifestyle can be.
May 21, 2010
This book provides some excellent insights into what life is like for those who make the military an integral part of their lives. I raised my own kids as Air Force dependents - I was acticve duty for over 20 years and I also was a traditional Air Force dependent wife (before I joined myself). The story resonates with me. I recommend it to people who have never been through the experience - it may change your opinion on their world. (FYI: I also served in Peace Corps)
November 4, 2011
Great read. Having been an Army wife for over 20 yrs(retired since 1987) I could relate to so much of the book though our time was the Vietnam era. I was also new to the military life and learned as I went. I would do it all over again...such wonderful people we met along the way and great experiences. It has certainly given me an appreciation of our military, of our country and of the freedom we have. Would recommend the book to everyone!
Alison is an excellent writer.
Alison is an excellent writer.
April 16, 2009
This was a really great read. Buckholtz does a wonderful job expressing the conflicting emotions experienced as a military spouse through her recounting of the experiences of herself and her fellow spouses leading up to and during a deployment.
May 14, 2009
A relief to read about someone else's experiences with having a deployed love one. Even though our situations were dissimilar, many of our feelings and problems were the same.
August 4, 2009
I cried through every other chapter.
It hits too close to home, considering it was written by an author living in Anacortes.
Very honest, and well-written.
It hits too close to home, considering it was written by an author living in Anacortes.
Very honest, and well-written.
April 18, 2011
Best book I've read in a longtime about the struggles of life as a military life and challenges as well as ways to address tough issues with your children
August 12, 2011
Great book for a military brat or spouse... Great insight to things an Army brat has always felt but couldn't put into words...
May 7, 2013
Accurate portrayal of a difficult life.
May 15, 2013
Here's my review of the reissued edition on Women's Memoirs:
http://womensmemoirs.com/memoir-book-...
http://womensmemoirs.com/memoir-book-...
March 1, 2015
Though I've never been in their shoes; this puts the readers in the mind and life of military families and struggles therein. Great read.
Displaying 1 - 21 of 21 reviews