Broken Prince

My instincts had screamed at me that she was trouble. My instincts were wrong. She wasn't trouble. I was. Still Am.
Reed, the destroyer.

He told me to stay away. He told me I didn't belong. If only I'd listened to him.

You sure you want to know? It's a pretty big spoiler?
Psych! I'm just bluffin with my muffin. You'll get no spoilers outta me, so don't even try.

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Actual rating: 1.5

Buddy read with Sarah. We were planning to have a massive buddy read with humor and all, but ended up angry and tired of this book.

MAJOR SPOILERS ALERT

But we’re we’re not. We’re nothing. We’re smoke—insubstantial and meaningless.We aren’t even a tragedy. We’re less than nothing.”

So, in a nutshell that is what happened in there:

Ella the Stripper runs away. She is quickly handed back to Royal Douches. One of the Douches (either the second son or the creepy dad) impregnates the Creepy Girlfriend. Creepy Girlfriend wants a ring on her finger or she'll tell the world she was screwing both Royal Douches.

*gasp*

This is such a strong motive for blackmailing. Of course, you must comply or your life will be over (that was actually sarcasm here).

But look, Douche decides to follow up with the demand even though he knows for sure the baby isn't his. They don't demand Creepy Girlfriend make a DNA test and verifies the baby is actually Douche's.

There's a hint for you, Douches: Creepy Girlfriend could've slept with any man in town and presented his baby as yours. That idea ever crossed your mind? Nope?

Orphan Stripper finds out about the baby. She breaks up (for the thousandth time) with Douche (but she still can't forget his abs). Douche can't stop thinking about his girl (says "my girl" all the time). Every girl is a slut compared to her - literary a slut - because there's no girl in this school or this town who hadn't had sex or talked about sex or constantly obsessed with sex. Even the Orphan Stripper's best friend after breaking up with her boyfriend can't stop thinking about who she wants to bang next, now that she is a free woman.

Hm, have you ever thought that a girl could be single and feel like a whole person? No again? This book is practically glowing with the warning "slut-shaming everywhere!" But Orphan Stripper is special and a virgin.

*Is this some kind of a horror movie where virgins survive the ending and the rest of the girls die? Ella, The Final Girl, huh? What? I can't hear what you are saying? Nope? it's not a horror movie? Are you sure? Because the setting's just right... Oh, ok, let's move on.*

After the major slut-shaming part with Orphan Stripper's v-card still intact (I swear, v-card was mentioned like a million times here), we are nearing the culmination part. Ella the Stripper decides to get Douche back, because, let's be honest, who wouldn't want a boy with a living breathing dick, which can sit, stand and bark no worse than any cute puppy... Oh, don't forget about Douche's magical fingers: he can stick them inside Orphan Stripper all night long and never tire of that; and I am saying nothing about his tongue, which is another epic story. After sticking fingers for a while (and probably breaching Orphan Stripper's brain with them), suddenly Ella the Stripper has a brilliant idea to give her inheritance to Creepy Girlfriend so she could get out of their lives for good (I still can't understand why to give her money?).

Douche decided to come clean to his Creepy Dad about his fucking sessions with Creepy Girlfriend, but turns out Creepy Dad knew all along about them and that his Douche son sticks fingers down Orphan Stripper's... you know, magical place (Creepy Dad did you just become creepier?). And oh, the baby is not his for sure, because he was sterile for a while now and can't have kids (thank God!).

The Rapist appears in the next scene and cuts Douche with a knife. No one dies (unfortunately).

Some time passes, some boring shit happens. Then someone rings on the door. It's the police. What happened? Someone killed Creepy Girlfriend (yay, finally someone died!). Ella the Stripper suspects Douche (I guess his magical fingers weren't as magical after all, huh). Police take the Douche away.

Silence.

Someone rings on the door again (Royal Douches are popular today). Who may it be... Oh look, it's Orphan Stripper's dead father (zombie movie, huh?).

I guess I shouldn't call her Orphan any longer?

"Steve", they say and the screen goes blank.

That was the major cliffhanger if you hadn't guessed yet.

Here, I have some bonus scenes for you:

The older Royal Douche brother was banging Ella the Stripper's Creepy Stepmother. She blackmailed him into sex by threatening to publicly expose his and his girlfriend's sexting (obviously she hacked his phone and found those. Genius Hacker Creepy Stepmother!).

In this country (wherever the characters live) they burn people on stakes for sexting because I don't see other valid reasons for dropping your girlfriend, because of that blackmailing and continuing banging the Creepy Stepmother for a year or so.

Meanwhile, younger Royal Douche brothers continue banging their shared girlfriend.

The middle Royal Douche brother continues banging his brothers' exes.

*End of the bonus part*

I've probably missed some other "important" events from this book, but, you know, all I left to say about the Royal Douches is this:

“You should be strung up by your nuts and hung out to dry.”

“My instincts had screamed at me that she was trouble. My instincts were wrong. She wasn't trouble. I was. Still am.
Reed the destroyer.”

“I thought, I'll just keep after him. Eventually I'll wear him down, convince him we're a beautiful fairy tale. But we're not. We’re nothing. We're smoke - insubstantial and meaningless … We aren’t even a tragedy. We’re less than nothing.”

“She’s mine and always has been. From before we even met, she was mine and I was hers. I fought it too long, but I’m giving in now. I’m all in now.

"He told me to stay away.

He told me I didn't belong.

If only I'd listened to him."

"She wants me to know it's over, but we both know it's not."

"From before we even met, she was mine and I was hers. I fought it too long, but I'm giving in now. I'm all in now."

"My instincts had screamed at me that she was trouble. My instincts were wrong. She wasn't trouble. I was. Still am."

"Nothing's really changed between us. We're still sparring, still circling each other like well-matched opponents, but we're there, in the ring, together. And that's all that matters."

“She’s mine and always has been. From before we even met, she was mine and I was hers. I fought it too long, but I’m giving in now. I’m all in now.”

❝ You’re the bad apple. You’re the one who ruins chicks.❞ He comes even closer, until our faces are inches apart, and then dips his mouth toward my ear and hisses, ❝You ruined Ella.❞

❝ Whatever girl takes on Easton is going to have to hold a whip in one hand and a pistol in the other.❞