Andrew Shaffer > Quotes

“I like my tea like I like my men,” I say. With the last name “Grey.” But I realize that’s too forward, so I add, “Black.”

He raises an eyebrow.

“I mean, not that I exclusively like black men,” I say, trying to recover. “I like other kinds of tea. And men.”

“Have you ever tasted...white tea, Anna?”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“We do have funerals for the living," Jill said. "They're called birthday parties.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“Stop it, girl. There’s no way he’s five-years-old. Or one hundred. He’s probably like every other CEO on the planet: Late twenties, handsome in that geeky sort of way, and just as awkward as you. I breathe a sigh of relief, because I know I’m probably right.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“For the first time since he showed up in my checkout lane, I let my eyes wander the full length of his body. The bulge in his running down the side of his pants leg is quite noticeable; either he has a banana in his pocket, or he’s happy to see me. Then I notice a similar bulge running down the side of his other pants leg. Either he has two bananas in his pockets, or he has two erections.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“My shift isn’t over until six,” I say glumly.

“Hold on,” he says. He pulls a Blackberry from his coat pocket and taps out a text. It buzzes, and he taps out another text before stashing it back in his pocket. “I think you can take the rest of the afternoon off.”

“I only have a week left, but my boss would kill me,” I say.

“I’m your boss, Anna.”

“What do you mean?”

There’s that smile again, the one with all those teeth. “I just bought Walmart,” he says.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“There are certain things worth getting mad about. Injustice is one of them. The greatest sins on this earth are committed by people of standing and means who abuse their power.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“No man is an island,” he says. “Islands are made of dirt and rocks and trees. I don’t know any people made of such things. Therefore, people are not islands.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“We passed a pickup that was doing fifty-five in a fifty-five. Clearly a sociopath.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“I growl with frustration at my reflection in the mirror. Damn my hair – it’s fifty shades of fucked up. The situation I’m in is fifty shades of fucked up. I’m supposed to be studying for my finals; my roommate, Kathleen, should be the one fussing with her hair in front of the mirror right now. Instead, I’m trying to brush my hair into submission. Why is my hair so kinky? I need to stop sleeping with it wet, because it always ends up out of control. As I brush my long, brown hair, the girl in the mirror with blue eyes too big for her head stares back at me. Wait...I don’t have blue eyes! Then I realize I haven’t been looking into the mirror. I’ve been staring at a poster of Kristen Stewart for five minutes. My own hair is actually fine.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“Mr. Gray,” I mutter. He’s smiling again like the Big Bad Wolf who wants to eat me. And boy, do I want him to eat m–

“I just happened to be in the area,” he says, cutting off my internal monologue. “I needed to pick up a few supplies, and here you are. What a pleasant surprise.” His voice is cool and husky like a Wendy’s Frosty shake, with just a little bit of grit (also like a Frosty).”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“Who is this man I’m supposed to interview, this man whose last name is the same as the color of my sweatpants? Is that a sign?”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“He hands me his shopping list and I lead him through the store in search of the items. Duct tape? Plastic wrap? A hacksaw? Who is this guy, Dexter?”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“Barack once told me that, at the end of the day, every one of us is just part of a long-running story. All we can do is try to get our paragraph right.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“When a cemetery dies, where do you bury it?”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“It’s fifteen minutes until two when I arrive – just in time for the interview. I walk through the glass doors and into the lobby, which is also floor-to-ceiling glass and steel. This fascinates me, because buildings back in Portland are made of grass and mud.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“I shake his hand, and feel the jolt of electricity again from him. He laughs and raises his hand to show me the joy-buzzer in his palm.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“As Khaled Hosseini writes, it’s better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“The current administration knew how to do one thing right: If you wanted to push through an unpopular agenda with minimal resistance, distract the bastards. Do something every day to grab the headlines—something big, bold, and preferably stupid—thereby banishing the dull stories about how you were systematically dismantling the country to the back pages with the Hagar comics.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“Our pain is ours, and ours alone. All others can do is mitigate the damage.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“She hands me a security badge that says VIRGIN.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“We don’t abandon our friends just because the going gets rough.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“The changes we’d made were being rolled back by the new administration. It was almost like we’d never been in office.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“I have hobbies," he says, smirking. "Physical pursuits: Base-jumping, hang-gliding, underwater basket-weaving.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Fifty-one Shades: A Parody

“We were entering a new age, one where there were no absolutes like right or wrong. The worst part was that it felt like everyone else had already been living there for a long time. I was finally just catching on.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“Just remember, you don’t judge a man’s character by what he does when things are easy. You judge him by what he does when they’re hard.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“Need a hand?”

I peeked at the figure on the horse’s back through cracks in my fingers. My eyes slowly adjusted to the light emanating from the horse, and the figure came into focus. It was Barack Obama, clad in a white toga.

He pulled me to my feet.

“Thanks,” I said. “You wouldn’t believe the dream I’ve had.”

“Try me.”

“You came to me one night, and said my friend had been hit by a train…and…is that a unicorn? I asked, squinting at the curled horn sprouting up between the horse’s ears.

“I call her Little Beast.”

I ran my fingers through the unicorn’s silken hair, which left rainbow glitter on my hand. The headache that had plagued me off and on all weekend was gone. There was no pain in my knee, or anywhere else in my body. “Is this heaven?”

“No,” Barack said. “It’s Iowa.”

And then suddenly we weren’t in the cemetery anymore. We were on a baseball diamond at the edge of a cornfield.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“The moral arc of the universe bends toward justice, but sometimes the universe needs a little help.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“We do have funerals for the living,” Jill said. “They’re called birthday parties.”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies

“passed a room where twenty or so residents were lounging in front of a big-screen TV tuned to Fox News. Half were snoring. The other half, I assume, had advanced dementia—it was their only possible excuse for not changing the channel. When”
― Andrew Shaffer, Hope Never Dies