Poor Little Rich Turtle/Transcript

[Opening sequence and theme song.]

[Episode begins at the Shellhammer Estate. A young girl is giving an interview to April O’Neil.]

Buffy Shellhammer "And this is the main dining room of the Shellhammer Estate."

April O'Neil "But do you actually give many dinner parties here?"

Buffy "Not since my grandfather passed away, I'm afraid. Now we mainly use it for charity functions. I'm quite active in twenty-seven charities, in addition to my work running Shellhammer Chemical. I believe that we should all contribute in some small way to making this world a better place."

April "Buffy Shellhammer, heiress to the Shellhammer fortunes, chief executive officer of Shellhammer Chemical, perhaps the most powerful and the most respected 15-year-old girl in the world today. April O'Neil, Happy Hour News."

[Cut to the turtles’ lair, where the group of mutants has been watching the report.]

Michelangelo "I think I'm in love."

Leonardo "Forget it, Michelangelo. It'd never work out."

Donatello "Yeah. She isn't even a turtle."

Michelangelo "So? Nobody's perfect."

Raphael "Boy, did you see her mansion, though? I sure could deal with that level of luxury."

Splinter "Outward appearances are often deceiving, Raphael. For all her wealth, I feel Buffy is not a happy young woman."

Michelangelo "No way, Master Splinter. How could a sweet dudette like her be unhappy?"

[The scene shifts back to the estate.]

Buffy "All right, pack up this junk and get out of my face!"

April "Excuse me. I didn't realize we were annoying you."

Buffy "You jerk weeds tromp all over my expensive carpets, and you ask the most totally bogus questions I ever heard! Now beat it before I get mad."

Irma "This is your way of making the world a better place?"

Buffy "That's just the hoo-hah my media advisor tells me to say."

April "Well, you put on quite a convincing act, Miss Shellhammer."

Irma "Gosh. She sure had me fooled."

April "Well, Irma, it seems that beneath that sweet exterior, there lurks a real brat!"

[Cut to the Technodrome, still trapped on the volcanic asteroid in Dimension X.]

Krang "There must be some way to get free of this lava bed. The right amount of pressure applied at just the right point. But how to do it?"

Shredder "Are you still trying to get the Technodrome moving?"

Krang "So? Everyone's got to have a hobby. It can be done, but we'll need fuel-- oodles of fuel, super rocket fuel. And I know just where to get it; a place on Earth called Shellhammer Chemical!"

[Return to the turtles, who are now in disguise as they walk through the sewers.]

Raphael "Michelangelo, this is stupid."

Michelangelo "I just want to see where she lives. Buffy Shellhammer is totally my main flame."

Leonardo "Besides, Raphael, don't tell me you aren't curious to see how the other half lives."

Michelangelo "And who knows? I just might get a glimpse of... Buffy."

[Cut to the Technodrome. Bebop and Rocksteady’s arms are laden with equipment and weapons.]

Shredder "There's one more device you must take with you."

Bebop "Oh, gee, boss-- do we really need all these weapons?"

Shredder "I'm taking no chances this time. You must not fail."

Rocksteady "Oh, but with all this stuff, how are we gonna carry the girl?"

Shredder "That's what this device is for. It's a shrinking ray. The girl will be heavily guarded. You may need to reduce her to a more portable size when you kidnap her. Activate the portal, Krang."

[Buffy is outside on the Shellhammer Estate grounds.]

Buffy’s father "Buffy, you're due at the board meeting in twenty minutes."

Buffy "Aw, Dad, why do I have to waste my time listening to a bunch of old fogies?"

Buffy’s father "Your grandpa left you in charge of the company, Buff."

Buffy "Oh, why can't I ever do the things I wanna do?

[The trans-dimensional portal opens in front of her.]

Aah!"

[Bebop and Rocksteady fall out and drop all of their stuff.]

Both "Oof!"

Rocksteady "Hang on. Hang on. Okay, girlie, don't move."

Buffy "Aah!"

[She starts running. Bebop aims a stun laser at her.]

Bebop "Get her!"

[A sai hits the stun laser and it explodes.]

Raphael "Get this!"

Michelangelo "You creepazoids leave that dudette alone!"

Rocksteady "Nuh-uh! We saw her first."

[He fires a large blaster at the turtles. Several small explosives hit the brick wall behind them and it collapses on top of the turtles.]

Turtles "Aah! Oh! Aah! Oh!"

[Buffy trips on a large rock and falls down.]

Buffy "Oh! Ow! My ankle!"

[The turtles dig themselves out.]

Raphael "Okay, that does it. From now on, those two pay for our dry cleaning."

[Buffy begins crawling away.]

Rocksteady "Mm, nab her with that shrink gizmo.

[Bebop shoots and hits a tree.]

Oh, forget it. Just nab her."

Buffy "Oh!"

[They run towards the prone Buffy but before they can reach her, Michelangelo swings down and scoops her up.]

Michelangelo "Cowabunga!"

[He swings over the brick wall with Buffy and the other turtles leap over it after him.]

Bebop "Uh, where'd they go?"

[The turtles enter the sewers with Buffy.]

Donatello "Boy, did you see all those weapons they were carrying?"

Michelangelo "Those dudes can't get away with kidnapping sweet, innocent dudettes like you."

Buffy "Put me down, you sleazoid! Who are you goons? Why do you wear those stupid masks?"

[She pulls on Michelangelo’s cheek.]

Michelangelo "Ow! That's my real face!"

Buffy "What are you, some kind of a Martian?"

Donatello "We're the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles."

Raphael "Yeah, and in case you haven't been paying attention, we just saved your life."

Buffy "Yeah? Well, from here, it looks like you're trying to kidnap me, buster."

Leonardo "We're trying to protect you."

Buffy "I can look out for myself, nerd head! Now let me go! I wanna go home."

Leonardo "You aren't going anywhere with that hurt ankle. We've gotta get you to someone who can fix it."

[Back at the turtles’ lair, Master Splinter examines Buffy’s ankle.]

Splinter "By applying an ancient shiatsu technique, your ankle will be healed."

Buffy "I don't believe I'm letting a giant rat do a totally bogus magic trick on my foot."

Splinter "You may stand, young lady."

[Buffy stands up and is able to walk.]

Buffy "Huh? It feels better. You must have hypnotized me."

Leonardo "He did no such thing."

Buffy "Why have you brought me here? I hate it. It’s dirty and disgusting!"

Raphael "Hey, hey, hey! You happen to be talking about our home. Well, okay, so it could use a little tidying up."

Donatello "You see, Buffy, there are two mutant punks with enough weapons to start a major war looking for you."

Leonardo "And you'd better tell us why they're after you."

Buffy "I don't have to tell you creepoids anything!"

[She takes off running.]

Leonardo "Buffy, no! Come back!"

Donatello "We can't just let her go. Those two goons might get her."

Raphael "So? Let her be their headache."

Michelangelo "Besides, there must be something major going down if Shredder wants that little brat."

Raphael "Brat? I thought she was your "main flame”."

Michelangelo "Yeah, well, that was before I got to know her better."

[Buffy runs through the sewers and reaches a dead-end. She spots a pipe running from one side to the other over the water and proceeds to walk out onto the narrow, rusty pipe.]

Leonardo "Buffy, don't! It's dangerous!"

[The pipe breaks and Buffy falls.]

Buffy "Aah!"

Donatello "Buffy!"

Buffy "Aah!"

Donatello "Buffy!"

[All four turtles leap over the edge. Michelangelo catches Buffy mid-fall.]

Michelangelo "Banzai!

[They all hit dry ground.]

Now do you get the idea we're trying to help you?"

Buffy "This wouldn't have happened if you hadn't brought me down here."

Michelangelo "We brought you down here to protect you from those two geekazoids."

Donatello "And it won't be long before those dimwits put two and two together and come down here looking for her."

Leonardo "We've got to get her to someplace safe."

Donatello "Yeah, but where?"

All "April's apartment."

[Back on the asteroid in Dimension X, a machine is being built on a ledge under the Technodrome.]

Krang "Excellent! The construction is proceeding ahead of schedule. But all this work won't do us a bit of good without that Buffy girl."

Shredder "Bebop, Rocksteady, have you found that girl yet?"

Bebop "Um, not exactly, boss, but we almost had her, but the turtles showed up, and, uh, we lost her."

Shredder "The turtles! The turtles! Always the turtles! I gave you seventeen different tracking devices. Now use them and find that girl!"

[The turtles, in disguise, exit the sewers near West Park.]

Buffy "Oh, wow. I always wanted to see this place."

Raphael "Seven thousand manholes in this city, and you had to bring us up here?"

Donatello " It's the nearest one to a pay phone."

Leonardo "Then hurry up and call April while we keep an eye on-- Buffy?"

[Buffy has run to a swing set and is swinging.]

Michelangelo "Don't run off like that, dudette. We gotta guard you from the forces of evil-- uh, and all that stuff."

Buffy "Oh, lighten up! I've never done this before."

Raphael "Don't get out much, do you?"

Buffy "Are you kidding? All I do is go to board meetings and charity balls. Okay, what do I wanna do next? Oh, excellent!"

Raphael "This kid's getting to be a real pain in the shell."

[They follow her to a concession stand.]

Buffy "Mm...mm. Give me one of those and one of those and one of those!"

Leonardo "Buffy, you've gotta stop this."

Buffy "Oh, are you kidding? I haven't even started."

Raphael "How come we couldn't get stuck with one of those icky-cutesie sweet kids they have in all the other cartoon shows?"

[Michelangelo joins Buffy on a seesaw.]

Michelangelo "Buffy, this is, like, totally excellent fun, but it's dangerous."

Buffy "What's so dangerous? We're on a seesaw, for cryin' out loud!"

Michelangelo "I mean those two goons who are trying to kidnap you. We can't hang around here all day.

[She jumps off her side and makes Michelangelo fall.]

Oh! Oof!"

Buffy "Oh, we can't, huh? How would you like it if I suddenly started screaming at the top of my lungs?"

Michelangelo "Uh, not much."

Buffy "Or if I started yelling that the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were here!"

Michelangelo "Oh, you wouldn't do that, a sweet little dudette like you?"

Buffy "Then shut up and start playing!"

[The turtles ride the merry-go-round with Buffy.]

Raphael "Oh, man, is this gonna wreck our heroic image."

Buffy "Oh, ho, ha ha, wow! This is more fun than I ever had in my whole life!"

Michelangelo "Buffy, we can't stay out in the open like this. It's dangerous."

Buffy "Oh, relax. What can possibly happen on a merry-go-round?"

[A laser blast destroys the horse in front of them.]

Raphael "Does that answer your question?"

[Rocksteady and Bebop shoot again, blasting the head off the horse Leonardo and Donatello are on. It spins them around and both hit the ground.]

Both "Whoa! Whoa!"

[Rocksteady runs over and snatches Buffy off the merry-go-round.]

Rocksteady "Heh heh heh. Got her."

Buffy "Ooh, let me go, you sleazoid!"

Raphael "To the rescue!

[He and Michelangelo try to swing over, but a blast cuts through their ropes.]

Yaah! Uhhn! To the doctor's!"

Bebop "Hey, stand still, will you?"

Buffy "Uh--No way!"

[She grabs a nozzle off the soda machine and sprays Bebop’s face, the she sprays Rocksteady’s.]

Rocksteady "You little creepette!"

[Leonardo throws his katana and Raphael his sai into the soda and pop machines, drenching the two mutants. Donatello smashes the popcorn machine with his bō.]

Bebop "Hey, this is what I call a tasty fight."

Michelangelo "Crank it up, dudes!"

[He turns the merry-go-round to high. The horses spin so fast they lift the entire merry-go-round off the ground. It comes directly at Bebop and Rocksteady.]

Both "Uh-oh!"

[It crashes into the concession stand where the two are standing.]

Buffy "Come on! Let's book on out of here!"

Bebop "Ah, those turtles beat us again. But at least we're getting some decent between-meal sweets."

[The comlink rings.]

Rocksteady "Hey, boss!"

Shredder "Haven't you two lame brains gotten that girl yet?"

Rocksteady "No, and we never will unless you send us something that'll get us past those turtles first."

Shredder "Oh, very well."

[Donatello uses a pay phone to call April.]

Donatello "April, we need to put somebody up in your apartment."

April "Who?"

Donatello "Buffy Shellhammer."

April "Oh, no. I've had enough of that brat for one day."

Donatello "Bebop and Rocksteady are after her, and we've gotta find out why."

April "All right, all right. What do you want me to do?"

Donatello "Well, dig up anything you can about Shellhammer Chemical. We've gotta find out why Shredder is so interested in it."

[The turtles escort Buffy into April’s apartment.]

Michelangelo "I gotta hand it to you, dudette. You sure gave it to those two creepazoids."

Buffy "Hey, I've been handling hostile takeovers since my grandfather gave me his company."

Leonardo "Listen, Buffy, those punks are going to a lot of trouble to kidnap you."

Raphael "Whatever the reason, it's gotta be something big."

Donatello "And if it's that big, its gotta have something to do with your company."

Leonardo "And if it has something to do with your company, then you must know something about it."

Buffy "Well, there is something."

All "What is it?"

Buffy "It's something my grandfather told me just before he died-- something he made me promise not to tell anybody."

Michelangelo "You gotta tell us, Buff! We've gotta know what Shredder's up to."

Buffy "Look, I know you guys saved me from those creeps, but I can't break my promise."

Leonardo "Buffy, it's important. Whatever those guys are after, it's for something bad."

Buffy "Nothing can make me tell my grandpa's secret!"

[The entire building starts to shake and one of April’s walls begins to crumble.]

All "Whoa! Look out!"

[A Technorover bursts through the wall.]

Donatello "What is that?"

Raphael "How did they get that thing all the way up here?"

Rocksteady "Easy. We took the stairs."

[Bebop aims an eyeball rocket at the turtles and they charge.]

Turtles "Go, green machine!

[The rocket smashes into them.]

Whoa! Ohh!"

[Rocksteady grabs Buffy and carries her away.]

Rocksteady "Next stop, Dimension X."

[Rocksteady and Bebop take Buffy to the Technodrome.]

Shredder "Well, Miss Shellhammer, I've been looking forward to meeting you for quite some time."

Buffy "Who are you? And what do you want with me?"

Shredder "Just some information, which you will give me!"

Buffy "Wait till the turtles get a hold of you, you creep!"

Shredder "I'm afraid not even the turtles can help you now."

Buffy "Oh, yeah? The turtles will—"

Shredder "Isn't there some way of shutting this brat up?"

[Buffy struggles against Rocksteady, who has a hand over her mouth.]

Rocksteady "I'd say that's a big negatoid."

Shredder "Why didn't you use the shrink ray on her?"

Bebop "Well, gee whiz, boss, you never showed us how to work the darn thing."

Shredder "Never mind. It's time to find out what she knows. Take her to the brainalyzer room."

[April enters her apartment and discovers the destruction.]

April "Oh, I can't leave those guys alone for five seconds.

[She gasps.]

I don't believe this! What am I gonna say to the landlord? He'll never give back my cleaning deposit. Wait till I get my hands on those turtles! Hey, where are they?"

Leonardo "Down here in Mrs. Kawolchick's apartment."

Michelangelo "Catch!"

[He throws a rope up to her and climbs. Mrs. Kawolchick enters with a tray.]

Mrs. Kawolchick "Come on. Eat something, boys. You look a little green."

Donatello "Uh, no, thanks, Mrs. Kawolchick. Some other time."

Raphael "Dear diary, well, what a day it's been."

April "Do you mind explaining why my apartment looks like a war zone?"

Leonardo "Bebop and Rocksteady drove off with Buffy."

April "They drove off with her?"

Donatello "Well, it's a long story. Did you find out anything about Shellhammer Chemical?"

April "Buffy's grandfather was working on a top secret venture before he passed away; something called The Z Project."

Leonardo "But what is it?"

April "Apparently, it was the most concentrated powerful rocket fuel ever. But he didn't leave behind any notes. No one knows the formula."

Donatello "Of course. What better place to hide a secret formula than in the head of a young girl."

[On the Technodrome, the villains strap Buffy into the brainalyzer.]

Shredder "Now, young lady, you have two choices. Either you tell me your grandfather's formula willingly, or the brainalyzer will extract it from your mind."

Buffy "Go kick a fender, chrome brain!"

Shredder "Very well. The brainalyzer is sensitive to both thoughts and emotions. It will drain the knowledge right out of your head."

[He turns on the machine and it starts sparking.]

Buffy "Ha ha ha ha! Sensitive to emotions, huh? Then you know what I think? I think you're a complete and utter total jerk, man. Yeah, you, and all your sleazoid goons! You have, like, no sense of hospitality whatsoever. You haven't offered me so much as a cheeseburger since I got here! You're ugly! You're stupid!"

Shredder "Get it off her!"

Buffy "And as far as I'm concerned

[The electricity surges and Shredder shouts.]

you can go stick your head in a shark tank!"

[The brainalyzer blows up.]

Shredder "Oh, what a wretched brat!"

Buffy "Ha ha ha ha ha!"

[Buffy wriggles around and manages to get loose.]

Shredder "Never in my life have I seen such an obnoxious child!"

Bebop "You think this is bad? You should have tried catching her."

[Bebop grabs her before Buffy can get away.]

Shredder "If you'd used the shrink ray like I told you-- Aha. Yes, of course!"

Buffy "Hey, what are you doing?

[Shredder uses the shrink ray on her.]

Aah!"

Shredder "Ha ha ha ha!

[He pushes her into a cage.]

I'll return you to normal when you tell me the formula!"

[Cut to the lair, where Donatello is trying to fix their dimensional portal.]

Leonardo "Come on, Donatello, you've gotta get this dimensional portal working."

Raphael "Yeah, it's our only ticket to the Technodrome."

Michelangelo "And we've just gotta save Buffy."

Donatello "Hey, I'm sorry, guys, but I never got around to fixing it from the last time it blew up."

[Cut to the Technidrome.]

Krang "The construction is almost completed. We are ready to turn this entire planetoid into a colossal spaceship, and then terrorize the whole universe!"

Shredder "The girl will talk. It's just a matter of time."

Krang "Well, she'd better talk soon. I can't wait all day to rule the universe."

Buffy "Hmph. Those goof bags used a mouse cage, but that doesn't work on people.

[She escapes.]

I'd better go to that room I came in through. It may be the only way out of this flea trap."

[Back at the lair, Donatello puts the finishing touches on the portal.]

Michelangelo "Hurry, dude! We've just gotta rescue Buffy!"

Donatello "I wouldn't get your hopes up. This thing may have blown up one time too many."

[He activates it and it explodes.]

Raphael "Make that two times too many."

Leonardo "I hate to say it, but this is one time we're not gonna make it to the rescue."

[The monitor on the portal’s control panel activates and Buffy appears onscreen.]

Buffy "Hey, you wacky dudes!"

Michelangelo "Buffy! Where are you, dudette?"

Buffy "I'm in the portal room."

Donatello "And you've figured out how to use the trans-dimensional communicator all by yourself?"

Buffy "Piece of cake. I run a scientific company, remember?"

Michelangelo "Is that girl totally awesome or what?"

Buffy "Tell me how to work the control so I can open the portal."

Donatello "You see the big red knob?"

Buffy "Yeah."

Donatello "Turn it to twenty-seven. Now go to the big blue slider, and push it all the way down.

[The portal activates.]

You did it! We'll come through and get you out of there."

Buffy "Uh, there's a little problem."

[The turtles step through into the Technodrome.]

Donatello "You're right. This is a problem."

Raphael "A very little problem."

Michelangelo "Micro-Buff! What have those geekazoids done to you?"

Buffy "They used some kind of ray on me. Shredder said he'd return me to normal after I told him the formula."

Leonardo "That must have been the same ray we saw Bebop use."

Donatello "And the circuitry must be able to expand objects as well as shrink them."

Michelangelo "Wait here, Buffy. We'll get that thing and have you back to normal pronto."

[They enter another room and spot the shrink ray.]

Leonardo "There it is!"

[A door slides open to reveal Foot soldiers.]

Raphael "Uh-oh, and there they are."

Michelangelo "No problemo. There's only ten of 'em.

[More doors open to reveal additional Foot soldiers.]

Uh, make that sixty."

Raphael "How come the odds got to lousy all of a sudden?"

[Shredder finds and picks up Buffy.]

Shredder "You didn't think you'd get away that easily, did you? I've been monitoring you all this time. And if you don't tell me the formula in five seconds, your friends will be finished."

Buffy "Okay, okay! Just don't hurt the turtles, okay? The fuel is just ordinary liquid hydrogen rocket fuel with two special ingredients; sulphur and charcoal."

Shredder "That's brilliant!"

[He throws Buffy across the room. She lands on the wires inside a machine.]

Buffy "Aah!"

Krang "Now we can instantly make all the fuel we need."

Shredder "Foot soldiers! Destroy the turtles!"

[The Foot soldiers all activate their weapons and point them at the turtles.]

Raphael "Well, that wasn't very sporting of 'em."

Buffy "Oh, the crumb! He won't get away with breaking his promise. Wonder what would happen if I connected this circuit cable to the intercom."

[She does this and a high frequency buzz sounds throughout the Technodrome. The Foot soldiers start swaying.]

Leonardo "Turtles, attack!"

Turtles "Wahh! Hi-yah! Yah!"

Michelangelo "Let's boogie, buds!"

[They take-off and on the way out, Donatello grabs the shrink ray.]

Shredder "What has that brat done now?"

Donatello "Hang on, Buffy!"

[Donatello changes her back to full-size and she and the turtles escape through the portal.]

Krang "Oh, good. They're getting away."

Shredder "Good riddance. I never wanna see that wretched brat again as long as I live!"

[The turtles return Buffy to the Shellhammer estate.]

Donatello "Well, we got you home safe and sound."

Buffy "Yeah. I'm gonna miss you guys."

Michelangelo "Well, if you're ever in the sewers, look us up."

Raphael "I'm just sorry you had to go through all that stuff with Shred Head."

Buffy "Are you kidding? This is the most fun I've ever had in my whole life."

Leonardo "And I'm sorry you had to break your promise to your grandfather."

Buffy "Oh. But I didn't."

Raphael "What? Now, wait a minute. I heard you give Shredder the formula."

Buffy "I gave him a formula, not the formula."

Donatello "What did you give him?"

Buffy "Our company's recipe for firework fuel."

[Krang and Shredder man the controls inside the Technodrome.]

Krang "Now, now to launch this entire planetoid! 5... 4... 3... 2... 1!"

[Fireworks shoot out of the propulsion unit. The asteroid zips around, and rolls upside down.]

Krang "Oh, no."

All "Aah!"

Shredder "That insufferable brat! Look what she's done!"

Krang "Forget Buffy! We have bigger problems now. We've got to get this place right-side-up again!"

[Cut to the lair. Michelangelo is seated on his bed, with his back turned. His brothers approach.]

Raphael "Oh, Michelangelo! What'cha staring at, buddy?"

Michelangelo "Uh, just something Buffy gave me before we left."

All "Come on. Let me see it, man."

[It’s a picture of Buffy.]

Raphael "Michelangelo, you are out of your mind."

Michelangelo "You mean it wouldn't work out?"

[He leaves his room and heads towards the kitchen. The others follow.]

Donatello "No way. She's a human."

Leonardo "She's only gonna be interested in human boys."

Raphael "You know, the kind who don't have to wear stupid disguises just to go out on the street."

Leonardo "I only hope the heartbreak isn't more than you can bear."

Michelangelo "Nah. There's more important things in life than dudettes."

Donatello "Really? Like what?"

Michelangelo "Like pizza!"

[He’s holding two large pizzas.]

Raphael "Ha ha. Now there's a boy who has his priorities straight."

[End Credits]