Control the Game: The UserBob WikiPants Lost Episode Spectacular!

Hi, I’m Cmcgrath26. You might remember me from such blog series as ESB Educational Television or ESB Babes. Welcome, everyone, to the UserBob WikiPants lost episode special! UBWP was a show I made over 2 years ago in which Unnamed Rat and a bunch of wacky characters visit old SpongeBob episodes and compete in challenges. Referencing everyone from Amanda’s mother to Robin from Teen Titans Go!, the series released 12 (out of 24 planned) episodes from August to December of 2020. But shortly after introducing a parody of Fandom’s UCP, I sadly stopped releasing episodes. Some believe Fandom wasn’t happy with the satire and took me out, but I’m not allowed to talk about it.

The thirteenth episode of the show was going to be called “Control the Game,” the plot paying homage to the episode Gone (every episode was a reimagining or parody of a SpongeBob episode). The show’s token old lady fan, Albert, even made a title card for it! But I never fully finished the script because Named 2.0 spilled Rat Beer all over my computer. A month or so ago, I found the unfinished file and I’ve decided to publish as much of it as I can as a bonus episode! I’m decently proud of some of the comedy in this one, so I’m posting it here for archival purposes. Because as everyone knows, why create something new when you can steal old work? (I’ll be using parentheses to provide context for running gags and characters that may have been forgotten.) Without any further ado, roll the cartoon…script…thing.

Unnamed Rat: Last time on UserBob WikiPants, tons and tons of [CENSOR NOISE] went down. The Krabs and Plankton teams merged, leaving all contestants without an alliance for themselves. This led to some new alliances, like GuyAlliedYou3 and Chickenkrispies, and Mavnol joined Doctor Patrick and SpongeTron’s alliance. In the end...or really the middle...everyone was surprised when CartoonGuy asked his rival, Albert’s Country, to be in an alliance. Everyone went to Atlantis, where I tricked them into thinking it was a vacation before they did some good old challenges. After I got arrested looking for Cmc, the challenge shifted to rescuing yours truly. After I was saved and we all escaped, we took a flying bus back to Bikini Bottom, and Koolkitty108, who finished last in the challenges, got the boot. We won’t have to deal with that drug addict for a while now...until, of course, we were locked out of Bikini Bottom due to a UCP, this giant wall system, being built around the entire place. Of course. So, who’s going home this time? Find out soon on User-
CartoonGuy: Can somebody PLEASE get me the pain pills? They’re in my pants pock-OW, MY EPIDERMIS!
Koolkitty108: And then, my brother took the beer, and he threw it right at the cat! It was insa-
[theme song plays]

Unnamed Rat: I hate UCP! It might have the smallest benefits, but to us who’ve been around for a while, it’s just inconveniencing and hard to get used to.
[The contestants stand in silence.]
Unnamed Rat: Is my real-life metaphor clear enough?
Cameraman: [annoyed] YES.
Chickenkrispies (in confessional): So I guess this is an advanced barrier system meant to guard Bikini Bottom from security threats. Ha, thankfully I’ve never been a security threat! Of course not! If I was, I’d be in total denial about it. Hehe. [nervously scarfs down a full chicken wing]
Doctor Patrick: Great, now we can’t even get back into the city! All I need to get are the Fivey brothers!
GuyBesideYou3: The Fivey brothers?
Doctor Patrick: Season 5 Volume 1, and Season 5 Volume 2. (A good amount of the characters, including Doctor Patrick, are just ESB users and their opinions thrown into a script.) It’s been 33 hours without them!
[Doctor Patrick looks at the watch he drew on his arm and draws a new line.]
Doctor Patrick: AAAH! 34 hours!
Lorireviewer832: Nobody cares about your season 5 DVDs, your obsession is-
9/17: Lori, be calm. Remember the plan. (9/17 is trying to coach Lori to not be as obsessed with rating everything.)
Doctor Patrick: You seem a bit suspicious there, 9/17. How do you know you’re trying to stop Lori from spilling the beans that HE STOLE MY SEASON 5 DVDS!
Lorireviewer832: Relax, even if I did, I’d only steal it for Breath of Fresh Squidward anyway.
Doctor Patrick: How do I know that’s true? How do I know you ALL weren’t plotting against me to get the DVDs? I’ll have to get my truth serum!
Cerdan: Where’s that?
Doctor Patrick: In the Mermalair...[CENSOR NOISE]!
[Everyone starts talking over each other.]
Mavnol333: Everyone shut up! I think we all have more important problems to solve than missing DVDs!
Doctor Patrick: If we weren’t allies, I’d say that’s totally suspicious and unsterile of you, but I trust you. Now somebody here fess up!
Koolkitty108: So THEN, the vet says that it wasn’t really a cat!
Dededeletethis: [singing to himself] I’ll shake my booty, in my own movie…
CartoonGuy: EVERYONE, RESPECT YOUR ELDERS AND CRAM YOUR MILLENIAL PIE HOLES!
[Everyone looks over to see Albert’s Country in his wheelchair next to CartoonGuy.]
Koolkitty108: And it had the UGLIEST voice I ever heard come out of a potato salad’s mouth-oh, you were saying something?
CartoonGuy: Albert and I have a plan.
Albert’s Country: FOR THE MAGAZINES!
[CartoonGuy pushes Albert in the wheelchair like a battering ram. They leave an incredibly tiny dent in the cardboard wall.]
Albert’s Country: Aww. I knew it was a dumb idea!
CartoonGuy: Hey, you came up with it!
Albert’s Country: Well you agreed to it!
CartoonGuy: You’re just salty that you LET me agree to it!
Unnamed Rat: Ugh, none of this is helping anything. How about you guys just settle down so I can peacefully think of a chall-
[A huge burst of green light appears outside the cardboard box. Suddenly, hundreds of yellow robots and a time machine appear.]
SpongeTron D’s clones: D!
SpongeTron X: Long time, no see, my chrome-clad bretheren.
SpongeTron Q: Did you win?
SpongeTron D: Guys! You’re here! I thought I told you to stay in the future and follow my status in the show by [turns to face the camera] tuning in to new episodes of UserBob WikiPants, the greatest show to ever exist!
SpongeTron ⌘: The what?
Unnamed Rat: I paid him, like, 9 cents to say that. Anyway, who are you guys?
SpongeTron ⌜: We’re SpongeTron D’s clones from the future!
Unnamed Rat: From the future?
SpongeTron ÷: Yeah, Bikini Bottom’s gone mad because, you see, Patchy the Pirate XIII is trying to take over Bikini Bottom because he’s SpongeTron ❖’s biggest fan, and now the entire city’s gone into apocalypse.
SpongeTron D: It’s what? Why did I have to sign up for this stupid game show?
SpongeTron G: Don’t worry, SquidBorg’s trying to help.
[Quick transition to a robot Squidward sleeping.]
Unnamed Rat: Who cares about the future? You’ve got a time machine, just go a couple hundred years to the past and live there. [Unnamed stops and thinks]
SpongeTron A: We can’t do that! The future present of the past’s present’s past of the future of the future past present is our home!
Unnamed Rat: Shut up, I’m having an idea. Time travel challenge!
GuyBesideYou3: Time travel again? That was never really fun.
Unnamed Rat: Too bad, it’s the theme of the show. Plus, the critics were mad we kept straying away from the topic.
Twitter user: Eh, UserBob is going downhill. It tries to give people bare nostalgia by referencing other ESB shows’ jokes and characters, even myself! And what happened to time travel being the theme of the show? Plus, everyone’s so FLANDERIZED. Mavnol, Lorireviewer, Dedede, that season 5 man-[reaches character limit]
Unnamed Rat: Would you get out of here? You’re ruining the narrative cohesion of the show!
Twitter user: Overused meta humor at its finest. And why does the “Cmc is gone” storyline drag on so long, he was a much better host-
Unnamed Rat: [blocks the Twitter user] Anyway, today we’ll be traveling to a past National No SpongeBob Day, where each of you will try to survive in an empty Bikini Bottom.
Mavnol333: But what about SpongeBob? He’ll be there. (I’m honestly really confused here. Is SpongeBob a TV show in this universe? A documentary?)
Unnamed Rat: We’ll cross that bridge when Incidental 73 walks over it and destroys it. SpongeTron clones, can we borrow your time machine?
SpongeTron R: What? No! This is an important device, and if you go back into the past you could ruin the future.
SpongeTron Y: No, they won’t! Last week, I finally installed the “don’t ruin the future” button!
SpongeTron R: How convenient. You guys can borrow the machine, I guess. We’ll stay here and plan our next strike against Potty the Parrot’s army!
[The SpongeTrons cheer.]
Unnamed Rat: Awesome! Come on, guys.
[Everyone walks into the time machine and Unnamed sets a route for National No SpongeBob Day, 2009. The machine disappears in a flash of green light.]
Unnamed Rat: So, here we all are.
SpongeBob: WHERE DID EVERYBODY GOOOO-
[Suddenly, SpongeBob is hit by a dart and falls over.]
Unnamed Rat: Holy crap! Did someone just SHOOT SPONGEBOB?
Mavnol333: Don’t worry, just a tranquilizer dart.
YOIMKYLE: Hey, give me that back!
Unnamed Rat: Anyway, since our options here are sort of limited, I’m going to be testing your creativity! You guys simply need to survive in this temporarily deserted town and do something of interest. Get a job, build a house, rob a bank, anything your hearts desire that isn’t just walking around endlessly. but you’ll have nobody in Bikini Bottom to help you, so it’ll be a lot more difficult. I’ll be judging how well you do at 3:00, so be ready.
Doctor Patrick: Sounds fun! It’s like that time it was National No Doctors Day, and nobody went to the hospital. Me and all the doctors were throwing a wild season 5-binging party!
SpongeTron D: Cool, but I can’t stop thinking about all the danger I’m putting this town in if I’m not in the future saving it!
Unnamed Rat: You can do that later. Now everyone, Koolkitty and I will wait here while you spend the day doing your challenge! Go off, and have fun...not too much.
[Everyone runs off in different ways.]
Koolkitty108: This is no fun! I’m not even supposed to be here! Why didn’t you just leave me with the funny yellow dudes?
Unnamed Rat: I had other plans. You see, my intern is still competing in the game, so while he’s busy, I’m stuck here helpless. How am I supposed to walk to the nearest store and get a soda by myself? How can I scratch my back by myself?
Koolkitty108: Are you trying to say I can be your intern? COOL! This’ll be just like my first job at my local deli! So many wacky things happened there! I ate 50% of the meat, got 32% of it stuck in the toilet, 11% up the manager’s nose, and 7% intact, and got fired 3 days in, but it was so much fun! Oh, and at one point, the cashier, basically, he was really fat, and you see, he-
Unnamed Rat: Alright, you’re hired. Sign here.
Unnamed Rat (in confessional): That actually went a lot better than expected.
[Still in the confessional, Unnamed pulls up multiple long scrolls.]
Unnamed Rat (in confessional): I guess I don’t need my persuasive essay after all.
Koolkitty108: So, what do you want me to do first?
Unnamed Rat: Hmm...hey, look at that sub place down the street!
[Transition to the contestants arriving near the center of Bikini Bottom.]
Dededeletethis: This is literally PERFECT! I’ll have a whole day to plan out my Teen Titans Go musical! (Remember when “Picture My Booty Up In 3D” was a meme? Dedede remembers.)
Lorireviewer832: A musical? Aren’t you going a little overboard with your Teen Titans Go obsession?
Dededeletethis: I could say the same to you! 4/10 hypocrisy, as you’d say.
Lorireviewer832: I’ll have you know I’m trying to change my ways, and be a nicer, less critiquing person! All you talk about is MOVIE, MOVIE, MOVIE, BOOTY, BOOTY, BOOTY. It’s really...really...
Dededeletethis: Really what? You’re just saying this because you know you can never have as big of a hobby as I do!
Lorireviewer832: Oh yeah, because an obsession with a fictional teenage superhero’s [CENSOR NOISE] is something to be really proud of. Two...never mind. This character development will be really difficult.
Lorireviewer832 (in confessional): 9/17 was right. This gimmick is getting in the way of the game, but at least I’m not as obsessed as Dedede is...
Dededeletethis (in confessional): I’ll focus on him later. For now, time to start writing the first song of the musical. I’ll also have to worry about casting…ah, whatever? I’ll play every part.
[Transition to Doctor Patrick, SpongeTron D, and Mavnol333.]
Doctor Patrick: I have an idea, guys! Instead of focusing on season 5, for once in this game, I’m gonna be the doctor I was meant to be! Someone in this group has to have some medical issue. I can bring them to the Bikini Bottom hospital and help them!
Mavnol333: Good idea. I’m gonna try starting some sort of quick, small business. Maybe a restaurant!
Doctor Patrick: Why?
Mavnol333: Just felt like something fun.
Doctor Patrick: Okay then. Do you know what you wanna do, SpongeTron?
SpongeTron D: Eh, I don’t know. My home’s in danger and I’m too busy with this stupid reality show to help! This all just feels wrong. (Wait, doesn’t ESBET do a plot similar to this where SpongeTron has to get back to the future?)
Doctor Patrick: Look on the bright side, Spo-
SpongeTron D: Yes, yes, if I win, I can get the prize money, after Bikini Bottom could already be destroyed! I just need some time alone.
Mavnol333: Alright.
Mavnol333 (in confessional): Why do I wanna make a restaurant? Well, back when I was younger, E and I...as in me, not the letter I...always cooked together. (In an attempt of retconning an unintentional cinematic universe, E was Mavnol’s beloved pet rat but Mavnol’s parents forced him to get rid of the rat) I bet nobody ever told you rats could cook! They’re actually pretty good at it. Unnamed just likes to intentionally torture us when she makes food. But I always made homemade treats for E, and he sometimes tried to cook stuff for me. Maybe I can use these skills to smart a small business, even if it only lasts a day.
Doctor Patrick (in confessional): I need to really do this hospital thing. It’ll keep my mind off season 5, plus I was born to be a doctor. I can’t waste time finding out who stole my DVDs...during a challenge. Tonight, definitely.
[Transition to Albert’s Country and CartoonGuy.]
CartoonGuy: So, what do you plan on doing for the challenge?
Albert’s Country: Working at a rest home. Aside from being an artist in old lady magazines, it’s the thing I’ve most wanted to do with my life!
CartoonGuy: A rest home would be an awesome job, but who would even be resting there? Seems kinda pointless to me.
Albert’s Country: Aw...magazines it is!
CartoonGuy: Well, it doesn’t seem like you have the best luck with the whole “drawing old people from your magazines” thing.
Albert’s Country: Crap! I can still draw normal old ladies...totally...maybe I’ll even be able to sell them or something.
CartoonGuy: That’s the spirit...but still, nobody will be here to pay you. You know of any other ways to draw and show them?
Albert’s Country: Hmmm...
[Albert looks up and sees a billboard for Barnacle Chips.]
Albert’s Country: I think I have an idea.
CartoonGuy: Cool, young whippersnapper. I’m gonna fetch a small coffee and head to Jenkins’ farm.
Albert’s Country: Have fun with that.
[CartoonGuy walks away.]
Albert’s Country: Now...time to get out the old spray paint. [looks in his pocket] Nope...that’s a magazine…and a pair of dentures..aha!
[Cut to Chickenkrispies walking down a Bikini Bottom street.]
Chickenkrispies (in confessional): I’ve got hours to do whatever I’m passionate about and call it a challenge. What do you THINK I’m doing? Selling chicken. Unfortunately, there are no KFCs around here, and I don’t have any herbs, spices, or chicken. But I can make do!
[Transition to Cerdan walking around and trying to think. Dededeletethis runs up to him.]
Dededeletethis: Hey! So, I was thinking, I need a couple people to maneuver the giant replica of Robin’s booty, but you are the only green contestant here (Cerdan is ExcitedGreenPig6 on the wiki so I incorporated that into his character), so I also thought you could play Beast Boy. Not that the other characters will be in it as much, of course, since Robin’s obviously the best. Or maybe, with a bit of makeup, you could play the pig from season 3, episode 32. That’s the one where they-
Cerdan: Ugh, what are you going on about?
Dededeletethis: My Teen Titans Go! Musical! I’m gonna be showing Unnamed the dress rehearsal tonight! It’ll be a hit! The songs are going really well so far! And it can give everyone who participates in it a good chance of winning the challenge!
Cerdan (in confessional): Dedede’s pretty annoying, but I’ve gotta be strategic here. Working on this with him would probably lower my chances of losing.
Cerdan: Sure, I’ll play a part. Can I be the Robin guy?
Dededeletethis: But I wanted to play him!
Cerdan: But… that’ll distract you from being able to do important backstage work! You know, getting the actors ready and everything!
Dededeletethis: Fine, fine. I better get working on the next song, “My Superhero Musical (Reprise 16).” Here’s the script so far. [hands Cerdan a very heavy stack of papers and walks away]
Cerdan: [sighs] I really hope this is worth it.
[Transition to Unnamed and Koolkitty.]
Unnamed Rat: You’ve been doing pretty good on your first hour, intern.
Koolkitty108: Awesome! Can I-
Unnamed Rat: But there is one thing I’ll need you to improve on. While you were cleaning my wallet, I’m afraid some sand fell into the inside. How will I be able to keep my money clean now?
Koolkitty108: But I wanted to tell the story about my fifth-grade museum field trip! The thing that happened with this kid named Jerry and the otter exhibit was so funny!
Unnamed Rat: I’m afraid the job comes first, Koolkitty. You don’t wanna let your host down.
Koolkitty108: [sighs] Fine.
Koolkitty108 (in confessional): Maybe being an intern isn’t as fun as I thought. Unnamed is cruel! Who doesn’t wanna hear that story? But anyway, so, Jerry was a really obese guy, and he took up the entire hallway at the museum. [hours of Koolkitty’s story get sped up into a few seconds] and I don’t know what happened, but we never ended up seeing Jerry again.
[Koolkitty is seen cleaning the inside of Unnamed’s wallet.]
Unnamed Rat: Hurry it up, hurry it up! We only have two more hours until I judge everyone’s work, and I have a lot of important things I need to do! Like-
Koolkitty108: Like listening to the story about the really tiny lima bean?
Unnamed Rat: No, I was more so talking about visiting that spa over there. Hurry up now!
[Cut to CartoonGuy on Old Man Jenkins’ farm.]
CartoonGuy (in confessional): If everyone’s out of town today, they obviously left one thing unattended: Old Man Jenkins’ farm animals. This farm has a lot of deep lore to it, and someone’s gotta take care of the place!
[CartoonGuy walks over to the pen that Old Man Jenkins’ oysters are sleeping in.]
CartoonGuy: First, I collect the eggs from the oyster coop.
[CartoonGuy reaches his hand through a gate. He picks up an egg and immediately drops it.]
CartoonGuy: Darn!
[CartoonGuy grabs another and it quickly slips out of his hands and shatters.]
CartoonGuy: Well, I guess my hands aren’t as spry as they used to be. I’ll just open the door and grab the eggs with both hands-
[He opens the gate and the oysters go flying out.]
CartoonGuy: No! Come back! [chases after oysters, and fails to catch them] Since when could oysters fly anyway? Darn Gen-Z-ers and their real-world parallels in cartoons! I’ll have to call Old Man Jenkins!
[CartoonGuy takes out his phone.]
CartoonGuy: Who am I kidding? Old Man Jenkins doesn’t use a phone. How am I supposed to tell him I ruined his oyster pen? [pauses and thinks] Of course! Everyone knows that if Old Man Jenkins is more than 20 feet away from someone, he’ll message them by carrier pigeon!
[Transition to Jesús9813 and YOIMKYLE in a part of the city with nobody near them.]
Jesús9813: Ugh, what to do? I don't have any ideas on how to complete this stupid challenge.
YOIMKYLE: Same. I feel like we’ve been standing here for almost two years.
Jesús9813: Yeah, but still, I’m better than this! I’m just distracted by all the thoughts of everyone I love...homeless, worried. And all because of me! (In another pun on a username, Jesús is supposed to be a god-like being from another world. I was watching the Thor movies at the time.)
[Jesús clenches his fist and a nearby rock shatters and a piece of kelp gets torn to bits.]
Jesús9813: No! I knew this would happen!
YOIMKYLE: What?
Jesús9813: It’s been a few days since I had time to practice these powers. If I go too long without the proper exercise, my powers will be more insecure, especially when I’m feeling strong emotions.
YOIMKYLE: That’s not good. I have an idea!
Jesús9813: What is it?
YOIMKYLE: You can get your exercise while I prepare something to do for the challenge, and then I’ll credit you for helping!
Jesús9813: But I won’t have actually done anything! I could get eliminated, and this’ll all be for nothing.
YOIMKYLE: Yeah. Maybe try just getting your exercises over with and then we’ll have time to do the challenge.
Jesús9813: Fine.
[Jesús starts making the sand near him change shape, and then practices lifting himself up and down.]
YOIMKYLE: You know...those magic space god powers of yours gave me an idea.
Jesús9813: What do you mean? I gotta keep these a secret from everyone who doesn’t already know...oh, right, we’re on a TV show. But I can’t just use these in front of everyone!
YOIMKYLE: No, no, no, I didn’t mean that. It just got me thinking about similar things we could do. We could do a magic act!
Jesús9813: Magic act?
YOIMKYLE: Like, fake tricks that people do to entertain other people. Like, making someone disappear by putting them in a box with a secret compartment for them to sneak over to. Except ours would be more convincing, because we could actually use them! You can use it as a way to get your exercise and together, we can make it through the challenge!
Jesús9813: Interesting.
Jesús9813 (in confessional): Well, I gotta thank Kyle. If I win and can rebuild the cities on my planet, he’s giving me a lot of ideas for culture.
Jesús9813: Ok, I’ll do it!
[Transition to Unnamed and Koolkitty.]
Koolkitty108: Unnamed, why am I polishing your Lego Plankton figure?
Unnamed Rat: Because he’s Lego Plankton. He deserves it. Now come on, the contestants’ time is almost up! (Not gonna lie, this show was an amazing way of preserving random memes that lasted about a week.)
Koolkitty108: Do I have to do anything?
Unnamed Rat: You’re going to be helping judge everyone. It’s part of your job as my unpaid intern.
Koolkitty108: Hold up…UNPAID intern? Interns don’t get paid in the first place.
Unnamed Rat: No, no, no, by unpaid it means I actually TAKE money from your wallet.
Koolkitty108: Joke’s on you, my wallet was eaten by a deaf armadillo!
Unnamed Rat: I hope that armadillo spends it better than I would. Well, it’s 3:00, so it’s time for the judging to begin! Catch up with me when you’re done polishing the collection.
[Koolkitty pours many Lego Plankton figures out of a bag and looks down in sadness, before getting an evil grin on her face.]
Koolkitty108: [talking to herself] Hmm...if I want, I can pay back Unnamed in a way she’ll never forget!
Man Ray: You can fake your way through this, just like I did in high school!
Koolkitty108: Hey, where’d you come from? Nobody’s supposed to be here!
Man Ray: Evil never takes a vacation! [vanishes]
Koolkitty108: Well, now I regret eating that trippy cactus in 2017.
[Transition to Rick Astley, and his son Fidbo, playing ball. Rick stops and has a confused look on his face.]
Fidbo: What’s the matter, Daddy?
Rick Astley: I don’t know why, but I feel a disturbance. Somewhere, right now, an underwater supervillain is stealing my classic prank!
Fidbo: Okey dokey, then. [vanishes]
Rick Astley: That’s my boy!
Unnamed Rat (narrating): The challenge is over, and it’s time for my judging! Who’s made the best use of their location and supplies to win the challenge, and who’s getting nothing but a stinky boot? Find out on UserBob WikiPants, after the break!
[commercials play]
Unnamed Rat: Hello, viewer! My name is...well, I’m unnamed. Are you in serious depression? Well, you’re in luck, because I have a deal you can’t resist! No, seriously. There’s already a box of these being mailed to your house. A box of what, you may be asking? UserBob WikiPants underwear, of course! These are what our own contestants wore during the show...well, they didn’t wear the ones we’re selling, but each contestant was required to wear these during their challenges. Unfortunately, the scene of them all being forced to put them on was forced to be deleted for “violence” and will only air on the UBWP season 1 DVD! These painfully tighty whiteys have all sorts of cool designs on them, and they come in a pack of 69! Each of them has the scent of this unnamed fellow right there, and uhh...it also…well, what more could you want anyway? And for a limited time, if you find a special cut-out coupon on your Doratos bag, you can send it in to 26 Rat Street, [LOCATION WITHHELD] to win Amanda’s mother-themed UBWP underwear! Buy a 10-pack today for $73.42...each!

(Thanks to Mavnol for making the visual in this ad!)

[Commercials end. Transition to Unnamed Rat walking down a street in Bikini Bottom before talking into a megaphone.]
Unnamed Rat: Attention everyone, the challenge is over. So stop what you’re doing and I’ll be coming around to judge your waste of a day. Who’s first? Is anyone even near me...
[Unnamed turns her head a tiny bit and sees multiple contestants right on that street.]
Unnamed Rat: ...oh. Who’s first?
Mavnol333: Me! Food’s not gonna stay hot forever.
Unnamed Rat: Food?
Mavnol333: Yup, old family recipe. I’ve been working on it all day. Now, if you step into this restaurant I’ve taken over, prepare for your mouth to be delighted, for your taste buds to be gifted, FOR YOUR TOMATERS TO BE ROASTED-
Unnamed Rat: Yeah, yeah, Shakespeare. I don’t have all day.
Mavnol333: Ok, fine. Welcome...to E!
Unnamed Rat: E!?
Mavnol333: It’s...a regional dialect from upstate New York.
Unnamed Rat: Oh, I gotta go up there sometime. I hear the aurora borealis is amazing! What’s on the menu? (Similarly to Lego Plankton’s inclusion, this was just around when me and some friends were obsessed with “Steamed Hams.”)
Mavnol333: Glad you asked! Our special tonight is a dish I call Doratos a la Mavnol. In addition, you can order a beverage of Rat Beer and our limited-edition orangutan soda.
Unnamed Rat: I’ll have the soda and...wait, you didn’t invent Doratos! They’re a beloved delicacy worldwide!
Mavnol333: Well, I didn’t invent them, but this is a new variation of them created by my grandfather, Mavnol the 331st.
Unnamed Rat: Fine. Show me what you’ve got.
Mavnol333: Okay then!
[Mavnol rushes into the kitchen and quickly runs back out to the table Unnamed is seated at.]
Mavnol333: Voil-e. I’ve crumbled up multiple bags worth of Doratos and resculpted them into a cylindrical shape. I’ve also taken Chicken Krispies Treats and put them into the blender to create an icing-like substance that I’ve covered up the top with in the shape of a certain letter. And finally, there are some rat treats from the pet store scattered around the inside. Rats are known to love it.
Unnamed Rat: Alright, I’ll try it.
[Unnamed takes a bite of the meal.]
Unnamed Rat: It’s...it’s delectable!
Mavnol333: Well, it was worth a shot. But when you use such big words as “detestable,” I’ve gotta accept my fate.
Unnamed Rat: Have you got cotton in your ears?
Mavnol333: Hmm...looks like it, but it was actually cotton candy in the kitchen of this restaurant. This place does NOT follow health code guidelines.
Unnamed Rat: I love this! Reminds me of what...Cmc used to make me. The emotional memories of that do bring it down a bit, but I’d give this a 10 on taste alone! The rat treats do feel a tiny bit out of place with the rest of the dishes, though. Maybe make them a side dish. French fried rat treats! Me and Named 2.0 used to love those!
Mavnol333: Good idea...I’ll have to remember that someday.
[Unnamed walks outside of the restaurant.]
Unnamed Rat: So, who’s next?
Doctor Patrick: Me?
Unnamed Rat: Okay, what do you have to show me?
[Unnamed follows Doctor Patrick into the Bikini Bottom Hospital.]
Doctor Patrick: You are going to be experiencing epic feats of being sterile right inside the Bikini Bottom hospital! Thanks to the help of a volunteer I got earlier, I will be performing a surgery.
Unnamed Rat: Oh, boy.
Doctor Patrick: What did you say?
Unnamed Rat: I said...oh, joy! Can’t wait!
Doctor Patrick: Good. I have a pair of tweezers here and I’m not afraid to use them.
Unnamed Rat: Let’s just see the surgery.
Doctor Patrick: Very well then. Here we are!
[Unnamed and Doctor Patrick enter the emergency room, where an unconscious Vemsa is on an operating table.]
Unnamed Rat: VEMSA? I thought he was tossed miles away by a gorilla! (In episode 9, the Gorilla Glue Gorilla caused another misfortune for Vemsa right after he was eliminated)
Doctor Patrick: He hasn’t been through any of that yet. This is the 2009 version of Vemsa. I found him at the bottom of the ocean with a football stuck in his gallbladder about five hours ago. I can only assume what wacky kind of bad luck he got into this time.
Unnamed Rat: So, he’s been unconscious for hours with severe injury and you waited this long to do anything just to win a game?
Doctor Patrick: Uh...yeah.
Unnamed Rat: ...well, okay then. Let’s see your surgery!
Doctor Patrick: It’s time to finally get that doctorate.
Unnamed Rat: You don’t have one already? I’ve done some awful yet totally cool things, but is this even legal?
Doctor Patrick: Don’t distract me from my work!
[Doctor Patrick starts his work while muttering to himself.]
Doctor Patrick: Yes, yes...put this here...that is one ugly spot! And these tweezers go right here!
Unnamed Rat: So what exactly are you doing?
Doctor Patrick: Again, I can’t talk right now. Hand me the jackhammer.
[Unnamed hands Doctor Patrick a large jackhammer.]
Doctor Patrick: Oh, and can you also hand me my surgical gloves?
[Cut to a few minutes later in the operation.]
Doctor Patrick: …and...done! Here you go, Vemsa!
Unnamed Rat: Is it safe to look now?
Doctor Patrick: Ha, ha, ha, I haven’t even begun the surgery yet! I was preparing the anesthetic!
Unnamed Rat: I’m gonna be here forever, aren’t I?
Doctor Patrick (in confessional): Any good doctor applies anesthesia to numb the patient. Unfortunately, mine is expired, so Vemsa’s probably gonna feel quite the pain anyway.
[Doctor Patrick starts the surgery while still talking to himself under his breath.]
Doctor Patrick: And put this here, and this goes here...oh, annoying, but I guess this has to go here, and I just pull this...barnacles, I’m out of paper clips! Better get the hot glue gun.
[Unnamed Rat looks away in horror.]
Unnamed Rat (in confessional): I don’t really care about Vemsa that much, but this surgery can’t be ethical. Holy crap, I feel bad for Vemsa. Maybe Doc should see if I have a problem!
Doctor Patrick: Finished. Good as new! [takes the football that was inside Vemsa, tosses it around, and hits Vemsa’s head.]
Vemsa: [wakes up] Ow! My epidermis! [runs out of the room] Ow! My epidermis! Ow! My epidermis!
Unnamed Rat: Why did his right foot look like it had a lung inside it?
Doctor Patrick: I had to make some rearrangements for everything to fit. But don’t worry, a few aspirins will help him feel better.
Unnamed Rat: If the lengths of my limbs allowed me to facepalm, I would.
Doctor Patrick: I can surgically modify that, too!
Unnamed Rat: Please, no. Anyway, you got a 6. I don’t think you fully got the hang of surgery, but you showed some bare intelligence in the subject. So, pretty passable.
Doctor Patrick: Yay, I’m passable!
Unnamed Rat: Why are you so happy? You did miles worse than Mavnol did.
Doctor Patrick: Oh.
Doctor Patrick (in confessional): I had a feeling this would happen. It’s what us doctors call fifth season deprivation. I’ll go crazy without it! I’M TOO STERILE TO GO MAD!
Unnamed Rat: Alrighty, let’s see who’s next.
Doctor Patrick: Hold on…do you smell it? That smell… a kind of smelly-
Unnamed Rat: Your season 5 DVDs?
Doctor Patrick: Yes. Way to ruin the moment!
Unnamed Rat: So let me get this straight. You smell your cartoon DVDs?

And after that sequence, I never wrote anything more, but I wrote some notes down on a planning document about how the rest of the episode would go and made a list of bullet points about them. They're in the blog's edit history, but since publishing this an hour ago I've had a better idea: actually finish the episode! So if you're a little patient, I'll finish the episode with a part 2 to revive this show. Because is there a better way to spend a few days off than bringing back an old series? Didn't think so. To be continued, people!