The Chaperone/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "The Chaperone" from season 1, which aired on March 8, 2000.

[The episode begins at the Krusty Krab, where SpongeBob is sniffing a Krabby Patty. He then squirts a mustard "checkmark" on the patty and puts on the bun. Just then, SpongeBob hears Pearl crying. SpongeBob sees her and gets a pan and puts it on top of his head for protection from the tears.]
Mr. Krabs: Don't cry, love. Daddy's going to make it all right. Calm down, girl! [a wave of water from the tears busts the door down, but SpongeBob pushes the door back up for a couple seconds, then the water comes breaking through the door and wipes out all the customers, dropping them to the floor. SpongeBob walks up to Mr. Krabs with part of a table around his face]
SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, what's wrong with Pearl?
Mr. Krabs: Her scurvy prom date stood her up, boy, and now, she can't seem to find another.
Pearl: That's because there's only one fish in the sea is long, tan and handsome as he is. And that's him!
Mr. Krabs: No, no, baby, no more crying. We'll get you a date. Why, uhh... I'll take ya! [Pearl continues to cry and an earthquake starts] Well, what about Squidward? [Squidward is filing his tentacles. Pearl cries even harder and makes the earthquake even worse]
Mr. Krabs: Wait, wait. Here, take SpongeBob!
Pearl: Ahh! the fry cook? Do you know what that would do to my complexion? People would mistake me for a planetarium.
Mr. Krabs: What do you mean?
Pearl: I don't know. But I can't take him, daddy! They'll kick me off the most frequently pictured in the yearbook committee.
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, they would. We've got to find someone else. Listen up! Which one of you lucky lubbers wants to take me lovely daughter Pearl to the prom? [everyone runs away]
Pearl: Just don't be late, SpongeBob. [sadly walks off]
Mr. Krabs: Now listen, boy, I'm-a counting on you to make this a very special night for a very special girl. Remember, you're doing it for good old Mr... [the real SpongeBob walks up behind him]
SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Mr. Krabs! Are you talking to that dummy I made? It's pretty realistic isn't it? [holds up the left arm] I made this part out of...
Mr. Krabs: Never mind that, boy! You're taking Pearl to her prom!
SpongeBob: Really? [touches one of Mr. Krabs' claws with both hands] Oh, wow! [saluting] Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I am a prom expert!
[Bubble transition to a bored SpongeBob now in his living room with Gary.]
SpongeBob: Oh, Gary, I'm a prom failure. I couldn't even get a date for my own junior prom.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: No, that was Patrick who brought his mom. Besides, how am I supposed to compare with Pearl's old boyfriend, Mr. Long, Tan and Handsome?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: What is it, Gary? What do you have? [Gary hides in his shell while SpongeBob takes out a magazine from Gary's shell. Magazine is 'Long Tan and Handsome'] Say, Gary, this magazine gives me an idea!
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob preparing the black fabric. He cuts through the fabric then sews it up. Then he takes a shower and plucks his eyelashes to put in some new ones. Then he plants some seeds into the tuxedo and waters it to grow a pink flower. Now, he ties his shoes which are on stilts.]
SpongeBob: Long. [pops out of a toaster as some bread] Tan. [licks his two front teeth that are braced up] Handsome. Okay, Gary, wait 'til Pearl gets an eyeful of this! [Gary hides in his shell.]
[The scene fades to sunset at Mr. Krabs' house. A limousine arrives. SpongeBob bounce walks and rings the doorbell and Mr. Krabs opens the door.]
Mr. Krabs: Hello? [SpongeBob lowers himself by some sort of crank] What do you think, Pearl? Cleans up pretty good, doesn't he?
Pearl: [wearing a pink dress] Well, at least no one will recognize you. Now listen, SpongeBob, I just want to get through this dance with my social status intact. [SpongeBob writes down a list of what Pearl wants to do on a notepad] I want to go to the prom, get my picture taken, and I want to dance... [SpongeBob has a big list now] ...I want to drink punch with my friends and don't do that other thing you're always doing...
SpongeBob: Uhh, Pearl, we've got to get back to the limo.
Pearl: [claps] A limo! Why didn't you say so? [Pearl grabs SpongeBob and drags him out of the house] I love limousines!
Mr. Krabs: Go easy on him, lassie! I can't afford to break in a new fry cook! [laughs and closes the door]
[Bubble transition to the Bikini Bottom gym at prom night. The limo carrying SpongeBob and Pearl is driving up, but the back wheels are so flat it is screeching on the road, irritating the other promgoers.]
SpongeBob: [checks his list] Well, I guess the first thing we should do is... [flash goes off where the pictures are being held]
Pearl: Yay! My first prom picture!
SpongeBob: Uh-uh... our first prom picture. [Pearl sprays him with something that deflates his arm]
Pearl: Let's get this over with. [SpongeBob is having trouble getting over to the photo-shoot] Come on, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Be right there.
Pearl: Will you hurry up?
SpongeBob: Just a second. Coming! [SpongeBob messes up his footing and jumps everywhere and apologizes to everyone but eventually gets to the photo-shoot. He holds onto the curtain to keep his balance] Sorry. Pardon me! Here I am...! Cheese...! [curtain collapses on them and the photo is taken] That'll be a keeper.
Girl: Hey, look, it's Pearl! Hi, Pearl!
Pearl: SpongeBob, here come my friends. Uhh, go get me some punch!
SpongeBob: Prom expert; away! [jumps away as Pearl's friends walk up to her]
Pearl's friends: Hi, Pearl!
Pearl: Hi, girls.
Teen 11: I'd like you to meet Billy Fishkins!
Teen 1: Meep.
Teen 14: And you know Brian Flounder from math class.
Teen 2: Meep.
Pearl: Hi Brian.
Teen 11: So, like, where's your date, Pearl? We're dying to meet him.
Pearl: He's over at the punch bowl getting me some punch. [Teen 11 looks for SpongeBob]
Teen 11: Ooh, is he the really tall one?
Pearl: Oh, yes! [notices what SpongeBob is doing] I mean... Oh no. [SpongeBob is trying to reach for the spoon to get some punch, but can't reach because he is too tall, the spoon is alive. He misplaces his footing and gets the punch all over him. Pearl pushes her friends away] Oh, quick, let's go see how ugly Cindy's dress is! [SpongeBob hands two glasses of punch to some people] SpongeBob, what are you doing?! [SpongeBob has red skin now from the punch. He squeezes some juice from his nose and into the glass]
SpongeBob: Hi, Pearl! Come on, it won't bite!
Pearl: You look ridiculous! [gasps]
SpongeBob: What is it? [Pearl pushes him under the table but he gets up again]
Pearl: Get down, he'll see us! It's my ex-boyfriend, Octavius Rex, a.k.a. long, tan and handsome!
Octavius: Meep.
SpongeBob: Whoa. But, I bet he isn't holder of the Regional Romantic Dance Championship trophy! [holds it up, but Teen 6 takes it away because it's his]
Teen 6: Give me that back.
SpongeBob: [giggles] That just didn't happen. Let's go! [takes Pearl to the dance floor] Ready? [dances like crazy]
Pearl: SpongeBob, what are you doing? Can't you see everybody here is doing 'the whack'? [the couples are jumping at each other with their chests. We see couples jumping up and hitting each other, so they do the whack]
SpongeBob: The whack? Oh, yeah, I invented that one. [tries to jump]
Pearl: Are you sure you can do this? [SpongeBob jumps at Pearl, but they hit another couple and send them flying through the food table, shattering food and kitchenware and they crash through a painting being painted by Norman Rockbass]
Norman Rockbass: Aaah! [jumps into a trash can which makes everyone else scream and go crazy]
Pearl: Well, I guess you can take me home now. Now that you've ruined everything! [starts to cry.]
SpongeBob: Don't cry, the prom expert is here! I haven't failed yet! [looks through the list he wrote down] Hey, we can still... no, I broke that. I know! We could... no. Don't cry! D-d-d-d-don't, don't cry. [At this point, SpongeBob seems to be talking to himself more than he is to Pearl.] Whatever you do, don't... [cries, runs off]
Teen 14: Wow, what did you do to him? Poor little guy. [SpongeBob runs into the ladies' bathroom. A couple girls run out screaming]
Pearl: [walks up outside the ladies restroom] Sponge, are you okay?
SpongeBob: [crying] — Messed everything up.
Pearl: Don't worry, SpongeBob, ya didn't mess everything up.
SpongeBob: [crying] — Hot dog!
Pearl: Actually, it was pretty funny when that hot dog landed in Judy's hair.
SpongeBob: [crying] All I wanted was to have a good time!
Pearl: But I am having a good time! Ya know, we haven't finished our dance yet.
SpongeBob: [whimpers] Can I still wear the wig?
Pearl: Yes, you can still wear the wig. [SpongeBob runs out and grabs Pearl to the dance floor]
SpongeBob: Let's go!
♪All right, you invertebrates. I'm gonna teach you how to do The Sponge. Well, first you take your leg and you stick it in the air, And then you take the other one and jam it right up there, You twist yourself around and give a great big lunge, Now you're doin' The Sponge. Huh, do The Sponge, Sponge, oh do The Sponge, Beat your buns you're doin' The Sponge. Well, now, first you take your leg And you stick it in the air, And then you take the other one, And you jam it right up there, You twist yourself around And you give a great big lunge, Now you're doin', yeah, now you're doin' The Sponge.♪
Pearl: [Octavius Rex walks up to Pearl] Get lost, pizza topping! Can't you see I'm doing the Sponge? [During the song, all of the students are constantly getting injured by the dance and two paramedics come walking in with a stretcher catching injured students. SpongeBob then morphs into a basketball which Pearl dribbles around and then shoots him into the basket and the scoreboard lights up "SCORE." The students then all come to SpongeBob and Pearl and lift them up and carry them to the exit]
Angry crowd: Get out!
SpongeBob & Pearl: They love us! Yay, we're popular! [Both thrown out of the gym]
Angry crowd: After all the hard work we put in on the decorations, they think they can just come in and ruin it?
Teen 5: Go wreck someone else's prom, will ya? [goes back inside gym]
[Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Pearl walking up to Mr. Krabs' house.]
SpongeBob: Gee whiz, Pearl. I'm sorry tonight didn't turn out like you planned.
Pearl: Oh, don't worry, SpongeBob, I knew it would be a total disaster all along. But as far as disasters go, that was really fun. [Mr. Krabs opens up the door]
Mr. Krabs: A-ha! Keep away from my precious little flower! [Pearl gasps] You almost stepped on it. [rakes the flower in the ground. SpongeBob froze in his spot]
Pearl: Oh, daddy! Well, good night, short, yellow and spongy. SpongeBob? [shrugs her shoulders and walks back inside]
Mr. Krabs: Good job, laddie. [winks at him and goes back inside. The real SpongeBob appears from the side]
SpongeBob: Oh, there you are, dummy. You sure come in handy. [carries the dummy SpongeBob and laughs. The scene then shows Bikini Atoll at night, ending the episode.]