Squirrel Record/transcript

	"Cut! No, Mermaid Man, it's 'stolen Krabby Patties.'" This transcript is in need of repair. Please help Encyclopedia SpongeBobia by fixing this transcript. Please remove this message when finished.

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Squirrel Record" from season 9, which aired on July 21, 2012.

[The episode starts with the Krusty Krab at nighttime. The scene cuts to the interior, where we see Squidward sleeping at the counter with a magazine on his face, then an alarm clock rings, Squidward wakes up and stops it. The scene then cuts to SpongeBob about to flip a Krabby Patty and then Squidward pokes his head through the window.]
Squidward: It's quitting time, SpongeBob. Go home. [SpongeBob continues to flip the patty] Quitting time! [SpongeBob sniffs the patty, Squidward takes out a megaphone and shouts in it] Go home! [SpongeBob continues to ignore Squidward and flips the patty, he then looks at his watch]
SpongeBob: Oh my. It's time to go home. Squidward, what are you still doing here?
[Squidward gets frustrated, screams, and runs out of the Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: [picking up the patty] What am I gonna do with you? I can't throw you away. [snaps his finger, laughs, and puts the patty inside his wallet, then a smelly odor flies in and SpongeBob sniffs it] Bleh! [the scene cuts to the garbage can where we can see the smelly odor is coming from] But I do have to throw away the trash.
[The scene cuts to the back of the Krusty Krab, the door opens and a big smelly smoke comes out followed by SpongeBob who is wearing a gas mask while holding the trash can, he walks over to the dumpster and dumps all the trash into it, then a book covered with trash comes up from the dumpster.]
SpongeBob: [takes off his gas mask and picks up a book] What's this? Someone threw away a book. You shouldn't throw away books. [suddenly a big green slimy monster emerges from the dumpster. SpongeBob screams at the sight of it.] "Trash monster!" (On TV, there is a bit of a malfunction, which leads to SpongeBob only mouthing it when he backs away from the dumpster, and it heads for him) [He then throws the book at it, causing it to fall over. The slime dissolves to reveal that it was actually Sandy] Ooh, Sandy, you're a trash monster?
Sandy: Heck no. I was breaking a record for rooting around in a trash bin. It's all right here in The Guinness O' Ripley Enormous Book Of Curiosities, Oddities, and World Records. [turns the page] Look-e here, SpongeBob. Staring Record. 5 days. Most fries up nose. Holding your breath.
SpongeBob: Wow!
Sandy: Yes siree! I swear by the power of Texas, I'm gonna break all the records in this here book!
[The scene cuts to the treedome.]
Sandy: What's the next challenge?
SpongeBob: Let's see. Ooh. World's longest tongue.
Sandy: Well, that's easy. [scene cuts to Sandy's tongue, SpongeBob is pulling Sandy's tongue] 106, 107...
SpongeBob: Hold tight, Sandy.
Sandy: ...108, 109, 110!
SpongeBob: That's it, Sandy! You did it!
Sandy: Yeehaw! [crashes into SpongeBob]
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob reading The Guinness O' Ripley Enormous Book of Curiosities, Oddities, and World Records.]
SpongeBob: Let's see... Yikes! Sweet mother of Pearl!
Sandy: Is it dangerous?
SpongeBob: Yeah, you could say that. You have to eat as much chum as you can.
Sandy: Chum, huh? That's not too bad.
SpongeBob: Raw!
Sandy: [sputters] Raw?! [gulps]
[The scene cuts to the Chum Bucket.]
Plankton: You want what?
SpongeBob: One order of chum, please.
Sandy: Raw.
Plankton: Look, I know I'm an evil, heartless mastermind, but no one can ingest raw chum and survive!
SpongeBob: Oh yeah? Well, Charlie Mackerel, the current record holder did.
Plankton: Really?
SpongeBob: For 30 seconds.
Plankton: Well, it's your funeral.
[The scene cuts back at the treedome. SpongeBob is in a toxic-proof suit. He grabs a spoon of chum and walks to Sandy who is cuffed.]
SpongeBob: Ok, Sandy, eat up.
Sandy: Uh, SpongeBob, I changed my mummh... [SpongeBob shoves the chum in her mouth. She screams breaking free] Must! Make! World! Record!
SpongeBob: Sandy, you did it! You survived! [chicken clucks, SpongeBob sees Sandy lying on the floor] Uh, oh. Hold on, Sandy! [takes off helmet] I know just what you need! [SpongeBob gasps and reaches into his wallet to grab a Krabby Patty] A Krabby Patty! [SpongeBob puts the Krabby Patty in her mouth and helps her chew and she rises up like as a rooster crows, Sandy coughs and gasps]
Sandy: I did it! I'm alive! I can't wait to show them experts the pictures of my record breaking feats.
SpongeBob: Oh no! I forgot my camera!
Sandy: What?! SpongeBob! I need photographic proof of my amazing deeds!
SpongeBob: I'll go get the camera.
Sandy: Well, hurry up! I got record breaking to do!
[Cuts to later on.]
SpongeBob: Oh my. [sees robots]
Sandy: Got your camera?
SpongeBob: You bet ya! [camera gets shown]
Sandy: Great! Take a picture of me chucking this last woodchuck to break the woodchuck chuckin' world record. Ready Cousin Earl?
Cousin Earl: Let er' rip darlin'! [Sandy chucks Cousin Earl and SpongeBob takes a picture]
Record Robot: 100 woodchucks chucked. Record broken!
Sandy: Thanks for all your help, cousins! [cousins cheer] See you all next Christmas! Bye! [the woodchucks were sucked and spirited up]
SpongeBob: Wow, Sandy! What is all this?
Sandy: I've decided to go about this scientifically. I feel with careful planning an precise dedication of appropriate tasks, I can manage the successful completion of the maximum number of records broken in the least amount of time! Book! Picture!
SpongeBob: [hands the picture] Here you go.
Sandy: Thank you. [places the picture. She giggles] So, what's next? Oh yeah, longest tooth. So how's the calcium fusion going?
Robot: It is ready, Ms. Cheeks.
Sandy: Outstanding! Here, hold this. [robot holds the book as Sandy administers the shot and the tooth grows. It continues to grow until she hits her head on the ceiling of the treedome] How'd I do?
Record Robot: Please hold this end. [SpongeBob holds the end of the ruler as the robot stretches high] 35 feet. Record broken! [SpongeBob flies up to the ceiling, crashes making him fit in his helmet]
SpongeBob: Ouch!
Record Robot: Take a picture.
SpongeBob: Say "cheese"!
Sandy: Cheese! [saws a giant part of the tooth off of her top tooth and slides down] Picture!
SpongeBob: Here you go.
Sandy: Thank you. Next, spiciest chili gargle. [gargles on chili as SpongeBob takes a picture]
SpongeBob: Got it! You OK? [Sandy breathes fire, SpongeBob sniffs] Do you smell soup?
Sandy: What's next?
Record Robot: Largest rubber band ball. [SpongeBob takes a picture, as Sandy lets go of the rubber band ball, SpongeBob gets crushed]
Sandy: Woohoo! What's next?
Record Robot: Most cobras milked. [Sandy milks cobras]
SpongeBob: [laughs] Say "cheese"!
Sandy: Cheese! [SpongeBob takes a picture]
SpongeBob: [nervous laugh] Nice snakes. [gets squeezed]
Sandy: Next!
Record Robot: Most walnuts in mouth. [Sandy gets a lot of walnuts in her mouth]
Sandy: Just! One! More! Oh no! [spits out walnuts at SpongeBob] Next!
Record Robot: Most chainsaws juggled.
Sandy: Ok, shoot!
SpongeBob: [takes a picture] Got it! So uh how do you stop?
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob: I said "How do you stop?"
Sandy: What?
SpongeBob: How do you stop?
Sandy: Why that's easy I just stop and run like heck! [SpongeBob and Sandy run] Not that way! [walks over to SpongeBob who is cut apart from the chain saws] Come on, SpongeBob! Pull yourself together! We still got a ton of records to break! Oh yeah! You're gonna love this one!
SpongeBob: [putting himself together] I don't know, Sandy. It is getting kinda dangerous.
Sandy: Come on, you don't need your helmet. This one's outside! Follow me.
SpongeBob: Oh my.
Sandy: There it is, the world's largest house of cards!
SpongeBob: That's amazing! Get in front so I can take a picture.
Sandy: Nah, let's get a shot from the top!
Patrick: What the...? Oh hey, it's Solitaire! I love this game! I take a touchdown! [Patrick ruins the world's largest house cards as SpongeBob and Sandy scream when they fall from the top]
Sandy: What's next?
SpongeBob: Um, I think I smell Gary's sandbox better go clean it. Now! [the scene cuts at SpongeBob's house where SpongeBob goes to clean Gary's litter box] I think you broke a record today, Gary. World's Stinkiest Litter box! Eww! [SpongeBob almost vomited] I'm worried about Sandy. She's got record-breaking fever!
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: You're right. She does need my help. I must stop this madness! It's all that book's fault! The book is evil! The book must be destroyed!
[SpongeBob walks into the treedome and kills the robot to disguise.]
SpongeBob: [robot voice] Why don't you take 5? I will hold the book.
Robot: Thank Neptune's gears. My wheels are killing me.
[SpongeBob put the book in his disguise but Sandy doesn't recognize him.]
Sandy: Hey! Where do you think you're going? Get back in line. I need every available robot for this one. Most Robots built and destroyed in a day.
Record Robot: 656, 657... Oh, the artificial humanity.
Robot: [SpongeBob tries sneaking out of the line] Oh no, you don't! We're all in this together! [SpongeBob screams] [SpongeBob and robot get crushed together and are sent though a carver belt]
Record Robot: 679. Record broken!
Sandy: OK, shut her down!
Robot: Oh, my...
Sandy: What's wrong with you?
Robot: My stomach feels funny...
Sandy: Well, let's have a look. SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Oh hey, Sandy. [robot groans]
Sandy: SpongeBob, what are you doing?
SpongeBob: I came to save you from, from this book. I'm going to destroy it before someone gets killed! I don't wanna lose you, Sandy! [crying] I don't wanna lose you!
Sandy: Oh, don't be silly, SpongeBob. I'm done with that book. I've beat every record in here. In fact, I've been finding the author who verified my evidence.
Author: Thank you. [looking through the book] Yes... Oh my... well then... I'm afraid you've broken no records.
SpongeBob and Sandy: Huh?!
Author: This book is 30 years old. These records were broken ages ago. You however have set a brand new record: Most injuries sustained while helping a friend.
Sandy: Good for you, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: [cracks] Um, hurray!
Author: Say "cheese"! [takes a picture as the episode ends]