Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Smoothe Jazz at Bikini Bottom" from season 8, which aired on September 30, 2011.

[at the Krusty Krab]
Squidward: [humming to the radio. Opens the door for a customer who is leaving] Oh, thank you for eating at The Krusty Krab. [SpongeBob is trying to balance stacks of trays with food on them] Can I give you a hand with that, SpongeBob?
SpongeBob: Sure. Thanks, Squidward! Gee, looks like playing Kelpy G's music here in the restaurant has really energized him.
SpongeBob: Wow. Kelpy's music is really, um, unique.
Squidward: Kelpy's not for everyone.
D.J.: That was Kelpy G. Taking you on a trip that is out of this ocean. Hope you fellow Kelpheads got your tickets early 'cause his concert tonight at High Tide Stadium is, sorry, sold out.
SpongeBob: Oh! Kelpy G is performing tonight, Squidward. But tickets are… [in announcer's voice] sorry, sold out.
Squidward: Oh, how could this be? Whatever shall I do?
SpongeBob: You forgot to buy a ticket?
Squidward: Oh no, I have a ticket. I just don't know what I'll do without you there. [snaps] Oh wait, I just realized... I'll be having the greatest time of my life!
SpongeBob: Squidward, may I at least gaze upon your ticket?
Squidward: Oh yeah. I show you the ticket, and then through some manner of folly, you destroy it! [Patrick swallows ticket]
SpongeBob: You're probably not gonna get that back before show time.
D.J.: This goes out to all those sad sacks without a ticket to tonight’s concert. We're giving away the last two tickets to one lucky caller.
Squidward: Oh, the dream is still alive! [Squidward rushes over to the phone and dials]
D.J.: Hey, you are lucky loser number one. Please, try again. Hey, you are lucky loser number five. Please, try again. Hey, you are lucky loser number nine. Please, try again. Twenty-two. Try again. Twenty-seven. Sixty-five.
Squidward: Oh, come on! Nothing but a scam.
D.J.: Hello! You're winning caller number 102.
SpongeBob: I am? [Squidward falls over sideways]
D.J.: Not only have you won two front row seats, but you and a friend will go backstage to meet Kelpy G himself.
SpongeBob: Me and a friend. Hmm, I wonder who that will be.
[cut to later that night]
SpongeBob: Can you believe it? We're gonna meet your hero, Kelpy G! [shows backstage pass]
Squidward: Ah, so nice to be surrounded by such kindred spirits.
Female Fan #1: You can say that again. It's a rare treat to mingle with true diehard smooth jazzists.
SpongeBob: You said it, lady. I've been a diehard since 10:00 this morning. Who's ready for a Kelpy G concert tonight?!
Male Fan #1: Was it you who brought the raucous miscreant?
Squidward: Me? No. Of course not. No.
Squidward: See all you fellow Kelpheads at the show.
Female Fan #1: Just keep your friend's outbursts under control.
SpongeBob: Isn't this so much fun, Squidward? Wow, I love your Kelpy G wig, sir.
Male Fan #2: What wig?
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. SpongeBob's obnoxiousness is ostracizing me from all these other fans. Somehow I gotta give him to slip.
SpongeBob: Whoa, just look at that lemonade line.
Squidward: That's it. Hang on, SpongeBob. I need a rest. My throat is parched. I sure wish I knew where one could procure some lemonade.
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Squidward: I said, I wonder where someone could get some lemonade.
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Squidward: It's right behind you SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Oh! Why don't I get one for you?
Squidward: Oh, no. Dear me. Oh, no. I could not have you wait in that long line, SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: It's no problem, Squidward, really, I—
Squidward: Well, okay, if you insist.
SpongeBob: Alright. One lemonade, coming up.
Squidward: [chuckles] See you after the show, Spongee-G.
Squidward: [a few Squids are snapping at some jazz music] Ah, "Turquoise Scallop Sun Dance." I just love this tune.
Male Fan #3: Hey hey, a fellow mellow jazz-dazzler. What's happening?
Squidward: Just grooving to the soothing waves of the Gentle G.
Male Fan #3: I'm picking up what you're laying down. You can groove with us any time.
Squidward: Don't mind if I do groove.
SpongeBob: [laughing] Look what I found!
Squidward: What the…? What?
SpongeBob: Guess what? There's a second lemonade stand! [laughs]
SpongeBob: Hey, nice tune. [gets out ukulele] Nothing like a little accompaniment meant to bring out the genius of Kelpy's kazoo playing, huh, guys?
Male Fan #3: Kazoo? Your friend knows absolutely nothing of Kelpy G, man!
SpongeBob: Are you friends with Squidward?
Male Fan #3: Friends? I should think not. We only associate with true jazz-dazzlers.
Squidward: But I dazzle. Oh.
[cut to later at concert. Squidward and SpongeBob sit in front row]
SpongeBob: Whoo! Kelpy, yeah! Put your hands together, people.
Squidward: Oh, boy.
Female Fan #2: Hey, Sponge! Would you just sit down and shut your mouth?
Male Fan #4: Well, thank you for speaking up. [indistinct chatter from everyone else]
Announcer: Hello, all you snazzy jazzlers. Please put your thumbs and forefingers together and give a warm welcome to the pied piper of jazz himself— Kelpy G. [he comes out and plays some jazz on his clarinet]
Male Fan #5: Bravo! Bravo! It's so exciting!
SpongeBob: Wow!
Squidward: Such immaculate music. It's the very voice of Neptune himself.
Patrick: [pokes Squidward's head] Excuse me, sir, do you have any ketchup?
Squidward: No I don't — ketchup?
SpongeBob: Patrick, what brought you here?
Patrick: Two words, SpongeBob— "na" "chos."
Squidward: Two words, Patrick— "get lost."
Patrick: [points to Squidward's backstage pass] What's that?
Squidward: Oh, no, you don't, Patrick. You stay away from my backstage pa— huh? [Patrick is swallowing the backstage pass. Squidward deflates]
SpongeBob: It's okay, Squidward, you're the biggest Kelpy G fan I know. Please, take my backstage pa— [Patrick takes it and swallows it. He burps and his stomach growls]
Patrick: Tummy want more. [walks off]
SpongeBob: Oh, boy.
Squidward: [gets furious] I'm going to get those passes back even if I have to rip Patrick in half! [rips his head in half] What the...?!
Patrick: [goes up on stage and takes the microphone] I would like two extra cheesy nachos with a side of cheese and two vanilla coral shakes. [crowd booing] Actually, make that two cheese coral shakes. And instead of whipped cream on top, I'll take cream cheese on the bottom. That's it for now. [two stage security fish get on either side of Patrick]
Security Fish #1: Get 'im! [they both jump into each other as Patrick jumps off the stage and crowd surfs]
Male Fan #6: You're so light.
Squidward: Hey, come back here with those backstage passes.
Crew Member: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Where do you think you're going?
Squidward: But our friend just took our—
Crew Member: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't care about the whosits or the whatsits. Clear the aisle and go back to your seat. [they do so]
Squidward: Oh, well, at least we still have our seats. [a giant squid is sitting in both seats. Squidward gets angry]
Big Squid: You got a problem, tentacle head?
Squidward: Yeah, I got a problem. Those are my seats, you numbskull. I'm gonna rant for a while. You're just gonna sit there, aren't ya? [Kelpy G stops his jazz] You're not gonna move along. We waited long and hard for this— [security grabs Squidward and toss both him and SpongeBob out of the concert. Squidward sobs] Tonight's ruined. A complete disaster. And I didn't even meet Kelpy G.
Patrick: Keep it jazzy, Miles. And thanks for the grub. [Squidward and SpongeBob run inside the backstage door]
Squidward: We're in, SpongeBob. Now I'll finally get to meet the incomparable Kelpy G. [runs into the manager]
Milo J. Fingerfish: Hey, this is a private area. Only people with backstage passes can come back here.
SpongeBob: Oh, well, you see, sir, we had backstage passes. But my friend ate them with his nachos, then he dove off the stage and got carried away by the audience.
Milo J. Fingerfish: What are you talking about? I'm Kelpy G's manager. Now read my lips. [Squidward literally does so]
Squidward: "No backstage passes, no entry."
Milo J. Fingerfish: And no seeing Kelpy G, got it?
Squidward: Oh, please, please, let me see him. Please. Please. Please!
Milo J Fingerfish: Get up, man. Have some dignity.
Squidward: But, but, but… what if I told you, uh… I'm a clarinet player myself. [manager groans] I call this one, "Ninth Movement, A Kaleidoscope of Stars." Wait. Hold for it. [inhales and plays off-key]
SpongeBob: Oh! Oh! [gets out his ukulele and plays. Squidward plays his clarinet in SpongeBob's face. The manager groans again. Back at the stage, Kelpy G gets finished]
Crew Member: Right this way, Mr. G.
Kelpy G: Another show, another intermission.
Crew Member: Your dressing room is right over here, sir.
Kelpy G: Hold on a smooth second.
Crew Member: Ugh! Who let those two back here? That sounds horrible. I'll get 'em right out.
Kelpy G: No, no. I agree, the clarinet sounds abysmal, but that ukulele. Genius. And his clogs. They're just like mine, see? Excuse me, young man.
Squidward: Hello, Kelpy. It's great to finally meet— [Kelpy pushes him away]
Kelpy G: And what might you be called?
SpongeBob: SpongeBob SquarePants.
Kelpy G: Come, young protege, let us woo the crowd with sounds of heavenly delight. [crowd is softly chanting "Kelpy"] At this time, I'd like to welcome a very special guest to the stage — Mr. SpongeBob SmoothPants. [SpongeBob and Kelpy play their instruments at the same time and the crowd loves it]
Squidward: This isn't fair. I should be on stage, not SpongeBob. I'm the mega-talent. I'll show you, Kelpy. [security takes Squidward away] But I'm a musician!