Sir Urchin and Snail Fail/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Sir Urchin and Snail Fail" from season 13, which aired on June 21, 2023.

[The episode opens with a shot of SpongeBob's house.]
TV singers: [singing, off-screen] ♪ Move your feet and grab your seat! It's "The Sir Urchin and Snail Fail Show!" ♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: [excited] It's on!
[SpongeBob and Patrick get out popcorn, drinks, chocolate bars, and a smoothie. They run over each other, and when they sit on the couch, they have each other's bottom halves swapped.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Ah! Excuse me. Pardon me! Excuse me! Pardon me! Excuse me!
[The title card of The Sir Urchin and Snail Fail Show is seen on TV.]
TV announcer: It's "The Sir Urchin and Snail Fail Show!"
[On TV, we see the inside of Sir Urchin's mansion. Sir Urchin bounces down the stairs. A live-action crowd cheers. Sir Urchin takes off his monocle and inspects a statue. He blows on it and a cloud of dust appears.]
Sir Urchin: Woe is me! My priceless works of art need to be dusted! [calling] Oh, Snail Fail!
Snail Fail: [runs in and crashes into a statue, then picks it back up] Whoa! Yes, sir, Sir Urchin, sir!
SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughing]
Sir Urchin: Dust my art!
Snail Fail: [takes out a dusting brush] Very good, Sir Urchin, sir. [runs off]
[Snail Fail dusts a painting. Sir Urchin walks into the room.]
Sir Urchin: [pleased] Ah, you dust divinely. [commanding] Now dust the back!
Snail Fail: Uh, v-v-very good, Sir Urchin, sir. [backs into the painting and grabs it] Wah. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! [smashes it on Sir Urchin] Oh.
Sir Urchin: [comes out of painting] Why, you!
Snail Fail: What I do?
Live-action audience: [laughing]
SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughing, rolling around]
Snail Fail: [running around with a bust] Whoa, dainty, dainty, dainty! [smashes it on him]
Sir Urchin: [with bust on head] Why, you!
Snail Fail: [smashes piano on him] What I do?
Sir Urchin: [with piano keys in mouth] Why, you!
Snail Fail: [smashes fountain on him] What I do?
Sir Urchin: [comes out of fountain] Why, you!
[Snail Fail looks bored. He steps away from Sir Urchin and begins a monologue under a spotlight.]
Snail Fail: Why you, indeed.
Sir Urchin: Huh? [falls off fountain]
Snail Fail: Why not any of us? If the nature of the universe is random, would not misfortune find us all equally? And yet, it does not. Perhaps you should stop asking, "Why you?" and start asking, "Why me?" [crickets chirping]
[The live-action audience looks bored. SpongeBob is shocked as Patrick is drooling.]
Sir Urchin: [whispers] That's not the line. Why did you stop hitting me?
Snail Fail: I want the audience to know that I am a real thespian and not just some [bowtie spins] bumbling buffoon.
[Sir Urchin and Snail Fail are now incredulous.]
Sir Urchin: Well, you wanna be a serious actor? Nobody's stopping you! Exit stage left!
Snail Fail: My pleasure! [throws bowtie on floor] I quit!
[The live-action audience gasps and murmurs. Snail Fail walks off the stage.]
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
[Cut to a "Please Stand By" sign. SpongeBob slides off the couch. Patrick starts laughing. SpongeBob stands up, then touches the TV screen.]
SpongeBob: It's no joke, Patrick. Our favorite comedy team just [splits himself apart] broke up on live TV!
[Patrick falls on the floor and cries. SpongeBob slides onto Patrick and wraps into a diaper. He gives him a bib and puts his finger in his thumb.]
SpongeBob: [sadly singing] ♪ Move your feet and grab your seat... ♪
SpongeBob and Patrick: ♪ It's "The Sir Urchin and Snail Fail Show." ♪
SpongeBob: [whimpers and turns back to normal] Patrick, as devoted fans, it's our duty to convince our two idols to get back together. The future of comedy depends on it.
Patrick: I'm in!
SpongeBob: We'll have to split up.
Patrick: Aw, I was just getting comfy. [sucks SpongeBob's thumb and the latter looks disappointed. Bubble transition to the next day. SpongeBob comes out of his garage, riding his unicycle. Patrick is nearby.]
SpongeBob: I'll go find Snail Fail, and you track down Sir Urchin. Good luck!
[They fist bump.]
SpongeBob: Booyah! [Patrick giggles]
[Their hands turn live-action, then their fingers wiggle as they giggle. SpongeBob salutes and rides backwards on his unicycle.]
SpongeBob: Whoo!
Patrick: [calling] Taxi!
[A taxi pulls up. Patrick jumps through the open window and briefly struggles to get his butt inside. He comes up in the back seat. Sir Urchin is driving, and Patrick doesn't know it's him.]
Sir Urchin: Where to, Mac?
Patrick: Take me to [points] Sir Urchin's house!
Sir Urchin: [surprised] Sir Urchin?
Patrick: [shows his Sir Urchin underwear] Yeah, Sir Urchin! You know, the guy that goes... [hits self with a hammer] "Why, you!" [laughs] He's so funny.
Sir Urchin: [replaces his cab driver hat with his top hat] Oh, you mean like [spins monocle and puts it on] this? Why, you! [poses as a fanfare plays. Close-up on Patrick's head. A live-action monkey toy claps its symbols.]
Sir Urchin: I'm Sir Urchin.
[Patrick's head explodes and blows the roof off the taxi. His head lands, he yells, and he moves into the front seat.]
Patrick: Sir Urchin? Why are you driving a taxi?
Sir Urchin: [polishes monocle, and sighs] My partner and I broke up five minutes ago, and since then, times have been tough.
[Patrick hits Sir Urchin with a mallet.]
Patrick: [grunts] You guys were so funny back then! [hits him] What I do? [hits him] What I do? [hits him] What I do? [laughs]
[Sir Urchin growls and reaches his hand out at Patrick, but then gets an idea.]
Sir Urchin: Say, Mac, how would you like to be... [holds out a headband with a tennis ball and an eyeball] ...Snail Fail the Second?
Patrick: [puts on the headband, and is now excited] Would I? [smashes Sir Urchin and laughs, then is unsure] Would I?]
[Bubble transition to Snail Fail checking his mail at his house.]
Snail Fail: Oh? [takes out yellow package] What is this? Huh. [brings it inside] Probably a gift from one of my adoring fans.
SpongeBob: [face appears on the package] Close. I am an adoring fan. [laughs]
[Snail Fail gasps]
SpongeBob: [springs back to his regular self] Doing! I'm sorry, Mr. Snail Fail. [takes out his bowtie] I just wanted to ask if you and Sir Urchin [puts bowtie on Snail Fail] could get back together again. [twists] You know, for your adoring fans.
Snail Fail: [takes off bowtie] No more low comedy for me. [rips it apart] The only way I shall ever step on a stage again is as a serious dramatic actor. Now, be gone! [tries to throw SpongeBob out of his house, but SpongeBob stretches up and Snail Fail kicks himself] Ah! [groans]
SpongeBob: [leans over Snail Fail] Ohh! I know a stage where people would love to see you act!
Snail Fail: Hmm. Really?
[Bubble transition to Shady Shoals Rest Home. Snail Fail re-enacts Macbeth in a theatrical outfit, with SpongeBob as a skull. A group of elderly people watch his performance.]
Snail Fail: Alas, poor Mackerel, I knew him, Halibut. A fellow of infinite jest. He hath borne me on his fishtail a thousand times. [gets hit by thrown dentures] Ow!
Audience: Boo! / You stink!
Snail Fail: Whoa! Ah!
[Snail Fail dodges a TV remote, a hot water bottle, and a padlock. He gets hit by an oxygen tank and crawls up to SpongeBob.]
SpongeBob: Maybe we should call Sir Urchin.
Snail Fail: Never!
[Incidental 82 approaches them on the stage, to their surprise.]
Incidental 82: [shaking fist] Why, you!
SpongeBob: [turns back to normal] Aah!
Incidental 82: What I do? Why, you! What I do? Why, you! What I do?
[SpongeBob and Snail Fail back off the stage and fall. SpongeBob is stuck in Snail Fail's shell. Bubble transition to Patrick hitting Sir Urchin with a mallet on a street downtown, with a small crowd watching them.]
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Patrick: What me do?
[A kid whimpers and tears up as her mother covers her ears and takes her away. Patrick hits Sir Urchin again.]
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Patrick: What me do? [hits Sir Urchin] How come nobody's laughing?
Sir Urchin: [stuck on Patrick's mallet] Well, you're saying, "What me do?" instead of, "What I do?" Maybe that's it.
Patrick: Good note. Got it. [takes Sir Urchin off the mallet and sits on him]
Sir Urchin: [stuck on Patrick's butt] Why, you!
Patrick: [imitating Snail Fail] Where I go?
Sir Urchin: [grunts] Nah, that's not it. [sits on the sidewalk] If only we had a real stage to perform on.
[A split screen shows Snail Fail and SpongeBob sitting next to each other on the street.]
Snail Fail: If only I had a real stage to act on.
[Two newspaper boys walk by, catching everyone's attention.]
Paperboys: Extry, extry! Big Bikini Bottom Talent Show tonight on a real stage!
[Snail Fail and Sir Urchin each take one of the papers.]
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: [gasps] This might be the break we've been waiting for! [leave for the talent show, and SpongeBob and Patrick look excited.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yay! [hold hands over the split screen] I smell a reunion!
[Bubble transition to a building with a "Talent Show!" sign.]
Announcer: [off-screen] Welcome to the Bikini Bottom Talent Show! Take it away, Bikini Bottom!
[The curtains part. A fancy-looking woman and a small blue narwhal are on the stage. The narwhal balances on the woman's finger, and she bites his nose and strums it with her other hand.]
Crowd: Boo!
[The crowd throws an axe, bowling ball, and watermelon at the woman. She cries and runs off-stage.]
SpongeBob: [peeks through curtains] Wow! Look at all those people! [laughs and sings as he bounces past the other contestants, then lands in front of Snail Fail]
Snail Fail: Excuse me. [bangs on Patrick's trash can shell] Is this the line for the talent show? [Patrick turns around, holding Sir Urchin] Agh! You!
Sir Urchin: You!
[SpongeBob and Patrick smash Sir Urchin and Snail Fail together.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Success!
Patrick: It's great to see you guys back together again!
[Snail Fail and Sir Urchin push each other away, sending SpongeBob and Patrick backwards.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Whoa!
Snail Fail: I am not following [points to Sir Urchin] this riffraff onto the stage. [grabs SpongeBob] We shall go first.
Sir Urchin: Shove off, Fakespeare! Me and my new partner, Patrick, were here first! [Snail Fail takes his monocle] Hey!
[SpongeBob and Patrick lean in. Snail Fail throws the monocle on the ground, then stomps on it. SpongeBob, Patrick and Sir Urchin gasp]
Sir Urchin: That monocle was priceless!
Snail Fail: Now it's [pokes Sir Urchin's eyes] garbage.
Sir Urchin: [twists Snail Fail's eyes] Why, you!
Snail Fail: Agh! What did I do to deserve this fate?
[They get into a dust cloud fight. Sir Urchin picks up Snail Fail.]
Sir Urchin: Why you!
[He throws him onto the stage.]
Snail Fail: What have I done?
[Snail Fail smashes Sir Urchin with a crate.]
Sir Urchin: Why, you! [smashes Snail Fail with a soundspeaker]
Snail Fail: What is it? [smashes Sir Urchin with a drum]
Sir Urchin: [comes out of drum] Why, you! [smashes Sir Urchin with a piano.]
[The crowd begins clapping and cheering. Sir Urchin smashes Snail Fail with an anvil. Snail Fail hits him back with a washtub.]
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Snail Fail: Are you referring to me?
[Sir Urchin hits him with some of the other contestants. Snail Fail leaps back on-stage and fights him again. They fall off the stage. Snail Fail removes a tuba from his head and drops it on Sir Urchin.]
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Snail Fail: Huh?
[They look at the audience and hear cheering.]
Snail Fail: What I do?
[The crowd cheers. Sir Urchin and Snail Fail look at each other, hug, and start crying.]
Snail Fail: Our act was perfect the way it was. I should never have tried to change it.
Sir Urchin: Snail Fail, old buddy, go ahead. Add some serious acting to our show. I just want to get back together again!
Snail Fail: Oh, so do I!
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: [hugging] Mmm!
Sir Urchin: [affectionately] Why, you.
Snail Fail: [affectionately] What I do.
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: [hug again] Mmm!
[SpongeBob and Patrick watch from the stage. Patrick hits SpongeBob with his mallet.]
SpongeBob: [shaking fist, happily] Why, us!
Patrick: Look what we do'd! [hits SpongeBob]
Incidental 82: [chasing them away] Why, you! Why, you!
French Narrator: [narrating time card] One week later...
[At night, SpongeBob and Patrick are watching Sir Urchin and Snail Fail. The two are wearing fancy outfits, with Snail Fail holding a skull. Audience laughter is heard.]
Snail Fail: Alas, poor Mackerel, I knew him, Sir Urchin. A fellow of infinite jest, nautical nonsense be something he wished. Where be your jokes now, old friend? That I may laugh... [laughs] With merriment?
[The live-action audience is watching. SpongeBob and Patrick are shocked. After a pause, Snail Fail hits Sir Urchin with the skull.]
Sir Urchin: Why, you!
Snail Fail: What hath I done?
[The crowd laughs. SpongeBob and Patrick snort their drinks at each other and laugh hysterically.]
SpongeBob: They're back and funnier than ever!
[Sir Urchin and Snail Fail bow as flowers are thrown at them.]
Sir Urchin: Thank you, everyone.
Snail Fail: We would just like to take a moment to give a shout-out, as the kids say, to our friends, SpongeBob and Patrick.
[Sir Urchin and Snail Fail lean out of the TV.]
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: We couldn't have gotten back together without you guys!
[They hit SpongeBob and Patrick with mallets.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Why, you!
Sir Urchin and Snail Fail: What we do?
[Incidental 82 continues shaking her fist at them.]
Incidental 82: Why, you! Why, you!
SpongeBob, Patrick, Sir Urchin, and Snail Fail: Not again! Aah!
[They all scream. A "The End!" card is shown with Sir Urchin and Snail Fail, similar to Looney Tunes. The episode ends.]