Shuffleboarding/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Shuffleboarding" from season 6, which aired on February 16, 2009.

Narrator: Shady Shoals, mild mannered rest home and secret headquarters of Mermaid Man, Master of maritime justice and defender of Bikini Bottom.
Mermaid Man: Semi-retired!
Narrator: And his faithful ward, Barnacle Boy.
Mermaid Man: Who?
Barnacle Boy: Hello.
Narrator: Today, we find this duo of dynamism engaged in their favorite pastime, watching TV.
[REMOTE! Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy immediately fall asleep. NAP!]
Narrator: But wait, what's this? Why, it's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's biggest fans. SpongeBob SquarePants and Patrick Star.
SpongeBob: Don't they look peaceful?
Patrick: Yeah... Wake up! [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy scream and jump off the couch]
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Ahhhh!
Mermaid Man: I'll deal with these super villains with my trusty Mermarang!
Barnacle Boy: Hey, those aren't super villains.
[Mermaid Man throws his Mermarang at SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Hi, Mermai... [SpongeBob gets hit in the face with the Mermarang] Umph! I can't believe Mermaid Man hit me with his Mermarang... It's so awesome!
Patrick: Wow! [Turns to Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy] Can you beat me up next?
Mermaid Man: Keep on your guard, Barnacle Boy! They're getting ready for another attack!
Barnacle Boy: Those aren't super villains. It's just that kid, uh, SpongeBob and his goofy friend. Hey, kid, can you give us our Mermarang back? We only got the one.
SpongeBob: Oh, sure thing. [SpongeBob throws the Mermarang back to Barnacle Boy]
Barnacle Boy: Oh, don't throw... [He gets hit in the face with the Mermarang.. The Mermarang flies back to SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: Hey, It came back!
Barnacle Boy: Ya, it does that.
SpongeBob: I'll try again.
Barnacle Boy: No! Ahhh! Umph! Oh!
[Again, the Mermarang flies back to SpongeBob]
Barnacle Boy: Look, I'll just come and get... [SpongeBob throws the Mermarang again.. Barnacle Boy ducks down to avoid being hit again.. Barnacle Boy stands up once the Mermarang goes over his head]
Barnacle Boy: What is wrong with you? [Mermarang comes back and hits Barnacle Boy in the head again.]”
Mermaid Man: Nice shot!
Patrick: Wow! That Mermarang really likes you!
SpongeBob: I know!
Mermaid Man: Now just hand me the Mermarang, son. [SpongeBob, once again, throws the Mermarang, hitting Mermaid Man in the head]
SpongeBob: [Preparing to catch the Mermerang once again] I've got it! [The Mermarang flies past SpongeBob]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Runaway Mermarang!
[PANIC! All the old people start running around creating chaos.. The Mermarang hits Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy again. Both of them fall back on their couch and are dumped into the Mermalair. SpongeBob and Patrick follow]
Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy: Ahhhhh!
[They stand up and then SpongeBob and Patrick land onto them.. Pause. The Mermarang falls onto Barnacle Boy's head one last time.]
Barnacle Boy: Ow!
[The heroes end up in the Bikini Bottom Hospital. Barnacle Boy is waking up and SpongeBob is right in his face]
SpongeBob: Hi... How ya feeling?
Barnacle Boy: Would you get off of me?!
SpongeBob: Okay!
Barnacle Boy: [groans] What are you two doing here anyway?!
SpongeBob: Oh! I almost forgot! [Pulls flowers out of his head]
SpongeBob: I brought you flowers! [hands them to Barnacle Boy] Since you two are feeling so poorly.
Patrick: You never brought me flowers.
SpongeBob: Patrick, go home and check your mailbox.
Patrick: Really?
[Ring Ring]
Mermaid Man: The Mermaphone! [Picks up a tissue box] Mermaid Man here. [Phone rings again.. Mermaid Man picks up the real phone] Mermaid Man here! Ah, Commissioner! What can I do for you?
Commissioner: [what is heard] Bla bla bla, bla bla bla bla bla.
Mermaid Man: You can count on Mermaid Man, commissioner! [to Barnacle Boy] It's for you. [Hands the phone to him]
Barnacle Boy: Barnacle Boy here.
Commissioner: [what is heard] Bla bla bla, bla bla bla.
Barnacle Boy: Yes, but...
Commissioner: Bla bla bla bla.
Barnacle Boy: Yes, yes, commissioner... But, uh. [Click. The commissioner hangs up]
Barnacle Boy: The police commissioner needs us to be celebrity contestants at the Bikini Bottom Shuffle Boarding Competition. But there's no way we can do it in this condition!
Mermaid Man: What kind of quitter talk is that!? We're super heroes! We're going to that shuffle boarding competition, or my name isn't... [He raises his arm] Owww! You're right, Barnacle Boy, if only there was someone to take our place.
SpongeBob: [Biting his lip] Mmmm... Patrick and I can do it, Mermaid Man!
Barnacle Boy: What? Why should we trust you two?
SpongeBob: Because, we're card carrying members of the Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy fan club. [shows fan club card]
Barnacle Boy: So?
SpongeBob: We're also certified Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy impersonators. [turns the card around]
Patrick: Certified!
Mermaid Man: You can't argue with certification!
Barnacle Boy: Ohhhh... All right. I suppose they can't do too much damage. It's just shuffle boarding... umph!
[SpongeBob and Patrick both start jumping on Barnacle Boy.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Yay! We're going to be heroes! We're going to be heroes!
Patrick: Yay!
Barnacle Boy: Would you cut it out?!
Patrick: [Still jumping up and down] Heroes! Heroes! Her... [SpongeBob stops him] ...oes?
Barnacle Boy: Now, listen up! Here, take these rings.
[BLING! Dramatic music plays.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Ohhhh!
Barnacle Boy: And when you touch 'em together, you will be instantly transformed into our duplicates.
SpongeBob and Patrick: [laughs] Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, unite! [They put the rings together. RING! Music ends]
SpongeBob: [In Mermaid Man costume] We're ready! Man Bob!
Patrick: And Pat Boy!
SpongeBob and Patrick: Reporting for duty!
Barnacle Boy: When you're through with shuffle boarding, you are to bring those costumes right back here! And don't do anything else. Don't go home first, don't show your friends, just come right back here! You got it?!
SpongeBob: Got it!
Patrick: Got what?
Barnacle Boy: This'll never work.
Mermaid Man: What will never work?
[Later]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Shuffle boarding, shuffle boarding, shuffle boarding ya/ woohoo! [Laughs]
SpongeBob: Shuffle boarding is exciting huh, Patrick?
Patrick: Well, duh!
SpongeBob: What's your favorite thing about shuffle boarding?
Patrick: Everything! It's even fun just to say the word! Shee-uf-fle-boarde!
SpongeBob: Shu-ee-uu-ee-ufflelele-board! [Laughs] It is fun!
Patrick: We are seriously going to kick some elderly buns today! Huh, SpongeBob? [Elbows SpongeBob making him squeak]
SpongeBob: What?
Patrick: [imagining] Out of the way gramps! That's my trophy old lady! [Patrick pretends to hit people with his shuffle boarding stick]
SpongeBob: Um, Patrick?
Patrick: It's going to be and action packed thrill ride of geriatric proportions! And the best part is, there is no way we can lose with these costumes on!
SpongeBob: We already won the tournament.
Patrick: Oh... ya, I forgot. [Pause] Well, how come I didn't get a trophy?!
SpongeBob: You did, it's in your back pocket.
Patrick: [Patrick looks behind him] Oh, yeah. I forgot. Well Let's go do something else.
SpongeBob: Okay.
[They start walking when SpongeBob remembers..]
Barnacle Boy: You are to bring those costumes right back here! Don't do anything else!
SpongeBob: [gasps] Patrick! Stop! [tries to stop Patrick by pushing his front body] We can't. We have to get the costumes back.
Patrick: For Neptune's sake, SpongeBob. If we're not going to go around town pretending to be Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy, then who is?!
SpongeBob: Nobody?
Patrick: Exactly. And with no one patrolling the town, who's gonna stop those youngsters from loitering? [Shows two little kids playing on a seahorse ride]
SpongeBob: Their mommies?
Patrick: No! We are! Let's take 'em to the slammer!
SpongeBob: Patrick! Don't you think that's too harsh?
Patrick: Too harsh? [Shows the little kids being thrown into a jail cell] Explain.
Bikini Bottom Prison Guard: [Eating a Krabby Patty] Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy? What are you doing here? Ohhh. [Throws the half-eaten Krabby Patty away]
SpongeBob: [screaming] Wasting a Krabby Patty?! How could you?!
Bikini Bottom Prison Guard: [shrugs] I'm full.
[They throw the security guard into the jail cell.]
SpongeBob: Well, maybe somebody should have thought about that before they ponied up for the world's greatest patty! Mr. Jail Warden!
[SpongeBob and Patrick come out of the jail gates.]
SpongeBob: You're right, Patboy! This town needs us!
[Guy chewing on gum blows a bubble and it pops]
Patrick: You're chewing too loud! [Patrick throws him in jail. Man walking with his shoes untied]
SpongeBob: Your shoe's untied! [SpongeBob throws him in jail]
Patrick: You're too old! [Patrick throws Granny along with several other fish in the jail cell. Shows the outside of the jail getting bigger and bigger]
SpongeBob: Oh I think we've done our work, Patrick. Now, let's return these costumes.
[SpongeBob sees Man Ray walking into a Laundromat.]
SpongeBob: [gasps] That's the evil Man Ray!
[Man Ray hums Sas he puts in some clothes in the washer. SpongeBob and Patrick are outside the window.] What diabolical plan could he be up to!?
Mable: Why hello, Ray!
Man Ray: Mable! I haven't seen you since high school.
SpongeBob: Look at him, Patrick! Plotting with his evil minion!
Mable: Say, could I borrow some of your detergent?
Man Ray: Why certainly. Anything for the gal I went to the prom with.
SpongeBob: I'll bet he's handing off some secret weapon! Time to crash this party!
Mable: You haven't aged a day, Ray!
Man Ray: Nor you. [Laughs]
SpongeBob: Hello, Man Ray! Who's your friend?
Man Ray: Hey Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy! I'd like you to meet Mable!
Mable: Any friend of Ray's is a friend of mine.
SpongeBob: Alright Mable, that's enough chitchat! Now are you gonna come quietly, or will we have to take you to jail by force!?
[Everyone pauses for a second.]
SpongeBob: Playing dumb, eh?
Patrick: You handle Man Ray, I'll take care of his lackey. [Patrick tackles Mable]
Man Ray: Mable?!
SpongeBob: Hiiiii-ya! Eat dryer sheets, Man Ray!
Man Ray: Ahhhh! Grrr... You! It's on now! Filthy shorts attack! [Flings underwear at SpongeBob's face]
SpongeBob: Whooooaaa!
Man Ray: Clothes basket bombardment! [Shoves a basket over Patrick's head]
Patrick: Ohhhh!
Man Ray: Surrender...Mermaid Man? [SpongeBob throws a box at Man Ray] Ow! That's it, time for the spin cycle! [Man Ray takes off his head and throws it spinning at SpongeBob]
SpongeBob: [gasp] Not so fast, Man Ray!
[SpongeBob opens a dryer door]
Man Ray: What?!
SpongeBob: You're all wet, you need to dry out.
[SpongeBob closes the door and sets the dryer to shrink.]
Man Ray: What?! No! My head is dry clean only!
[After that, Man Ray's head has shrunk.]
Man Ray: [in tiny voice] But I didn't do anything!
SpongeBob: Just keep moving.
Patrick: You too, missy.
[SpongeBob and Patrick put them in Jail. The jail is bulging now]
SpongeBob: Well, our work is done here.
[The jail explodes. People land everywhere until the ambulance comes and carried away poor people and some of them saying “My leg!”]
At the Hospital
Mermaid Man: Good job, boys! You won the tournament and returned the costumes.
[Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy raise their rings and the costumes are sucked up into the rings. SpongeBob and Patrick wheel Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy outside]
Mermaid Man: Thanks again, boys!
SpongeBob: Just doing our Mermaduty.
Patrick: [whispering] And then some.
SpongeBob: [laughs] And then some! [heh heh heh] That's a good one!
Mermaid Man: Goodbye, young men! Oh look! We have more visitors!
[all chanting madly and angrily.]
Mermaid Man: Looking good Man Ray!
[All start to close in. Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy are wheeling, in their wheelchairs, as fast as they can]
Barnacle Boy: Faster you old coot!
SpongeBob: [crowd yelling and chasing Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy] They have so many fans! [crowd yelling and still chasing Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy at sunset.]