This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Ripped Pants" from season 1, which aired on July 17, 1999.

• [The episode begins at Goo Lagoon. The camera pans across the lagoon.]
• French Narrator: Ah, Goo Lagoon. A stinky mud puddle to you and me. But to the inhabitants of Bikini Bottom, a wonderful, stinky mud puddle. [SpongeBob and Sandy sit enjoying the beach. SpongeBob sighs]
• SpongeBob: What a great day. [runs off] Hey, Sandy! Look! [now covered in a mound of sand] I'm Sandy! [Sandy laughs. SpongeBob forms sand around his head and nose to look like Squidward and imitates his voice] Hey Sandy, who am I? [Sandy still laughs. SpongeBob picks up a sand phone while imitating Squidward.] Hello, SpongeBob. Could you keep it down? I'm trying to be boring. [Sandy continues laughing]
• Sandy: SpongeBob! [a doorbell rings, SpongeBob walks in carrying sand pizza boxes and wearing a Krusty Krab sand hat]
• SpongeBob: [normal voice] Did anyone order twenty pepperoni and sand pizzas? [he and Sandy laugh together. A red lobster walks up]
• Larry the Lobster: Hey, Sandy. Hey, SpongeBob.
• Sandy: Hey, Larry.
• Larry: You guys wanna go lift some weights?
• Sandy: Sure. [she and Larry walk off] Well, come on, SpongeBob. [SpongeBob's sand pizzas and hat fall flat as he walks on dejectedly]
• SpongeBob: [disappointingly] Coming. [cut to a group of weightlifters, each grunting as they work out. Larry turns to Sandy]
• Larry: Give it a try, Sandy. [Sandy stands in front of a weight. She picks it up, grunting as she does so. The crowd cheers for her, and she throws the weight down]
• SpongeBob: Good job, Sandy. Well, that's about enough for today, don't you think? [tries to walk off]
• Larry: How about a little more weight? [bends down to pick up a weight heavier than Sandy's] Observe. [grunts as he picks it up, his eyes bulging, and veins stick out from his neck. The crowd cheers, and Larry throws the weight down]
• SpongeBob: All right, stand back, everyone. [picks up a single twig from the ground. The crowd is silent. He sinks into the sand. Sandy walks to a weight]
• Sandy: Y'all watch this! [picks up an anchor weight. The crowd cheers for her, but stop when they realize Larry has lifted the spectator stands] Way to go, Larry! [SpongeBob burrows into the sand, and tunnels over to Incidental 36 who is picnicking next to a marshmallow sack]
• SpongeBob: Could I borrow a couple of these?
• Incidental 36: [through his marshmallow-filled mouth] Mm-hmm. [crams another marshmallow into his mouth.]
• SpongeBob: [takes two marshmallows and places them on the twig] And now, with the addition of two-- count 'em, two marshmallows. [preps himself for his lift, inhales deeply, takes hold of the twig, and is unable to lift it. The crowd isn't moved. He tries again. And again. After a huge effort, SpongeBob hears a rip, causing the crowd to gasp. He looks down and notices that he's ripped his pants. The crowd then laughs at SpongeBob. SpongeBob scuttles off, embarrassed. Scooter walks over, laughing]
• Scooter: That was too funny. [slaps SpongeBob on the back] You are hilarious!
• Sandy: Ain't he the funniest little Sponge you ever saw? [SpongeBob grins widely which gave him an idea. The scene cuts to Larry with a volleyball on his claw]
• Larry: Anybody up for some volleyball? [the ball volleys back and forth, until Larry spikes it into some fish and the crowd cheers for him. SpongeBob looks at him in contempt. A fish serves the ball and as Larry is about to hit it, SpongeBob interferes]
• SpongeBob: I got it! [the ball falls and SpongeBob tries to serve it] Incoming! [the serve misses and the crowd boos. He bends down to pick the ball up and rips his pants] Oops, I guess I ripped my pants again! [the crowd laughs. Scooter walks in laughing again]
• Scooter: Once again, dude, [slaps SpongeBob on the back] you have split my sides! [he continues to laugh. The scene cuts to a tossed Frisbee. Larry catches it and throws it to Sandy]
• SpongeBob: Hey, Sandy, how about throwing it to me?
• Sandy: Okay, here it comes! [SpongeBob stands still and lets the Frisbee hit him on the head, knocking him over]
• SpongeBob: I could use a hand here! [laughs. Sandy walks over and helps him up]
• Sandy: You okay, SpongeBob?
• SpongeBob: I guess so... [does a handstand, revealing his pants] ...except I ripped my pants! [the crowd laughs, and Scooter walks up to SpongeBob once again]
• Scooter: You still got it, dude! [slaps SpongeBob on the back again. The scene cuts to SpongeBob and Sandy walking to an ice cream vendor]
• Incidental 39: May I help you?
• SpongeBob: I'll take a banana split.
• Incidental 39: Uh, we don't have that.
• SpongeBob: That's okay. I already split my pants! Get it? [Sandy giggles]
• Incidental 39: [annoyed] Tee-hee. Anything else?
• SpongeBob: How about ripple? [does so, Sandy giggles again] No, thanks, already got one! [Sandy drops laughing, Incidental 39 is unamused, and SpongeBob happily bounces off to a snack bar. SpongeBob runs up to Incidental 40, knocking his drink over] Is that a burger you're eating?
• Incidental 40: Why, yes, it is.
• SpongeBob: You know what would go good with that?
• Incidental 40: No, what?
• SpongeBob: [whispers] Ripped... pants. [smiles widely and shows the annoyed Incidental 40 his ripped pants. SpongeBob then runs around the snack bar, laughing. He comes up in-between two fish] Ripped pants a la mode! [rips his pants, the fish are annoyed. Cut to SpongeBob being in the kitchen of the snack bar, next to the fry cook] Delivery! Did you order twenty cases of ripped pants? [shoves his behind through the box, revealing his ripped pants, then laughs and the box is revealed to have no lower part. The fry cook groans disgustedly. The scene cuts to a broadcasting booth over-looking the lagoon]
• Sports guy: Surf's up in the Goo Lagoon! [fish are surfing. Close-up of Perch Perkins] And here comes Larry, doing his trademark lay-back! [cut to Larry lying on his surfboard] There goes Sandy, hanging ten... fingers, that is. [cut to Sandy doing a handstand on her surfboard] There goes SpongeBob... [rip] ripping his pants again. [The sports guy is annoyed, then cut to SpongeBob ripping his pants on his surfboard. A wave knocks SpongeBob off his surfboard and washes him up on the beach]
• Incidental 155: Hey, look, a cardboard box washed up on the beach. [takes a closer look through his telescope] Holy fish paste! It's a guy! [sprints over to SpongeBob and flips him over] Why?! Why?! Why?! [a crowd gathers around SpongeBob and Incidental 155]
• Sandy: SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: [to Incidental 155] Come closer. [a divine light shines on him] I need... I need...
• Incidental 155: What do you need? [tears come to Incidental 155's and Sandy's eyes]
• SpongeBob: [pats Incidental 155 on the shoulder. Close up of SpongeBob's mouth] A tailor. [the light turns off, accompanied by a light switch] Because I ripped my pants! [laughs. Incidental 155 makes an annoyed expression, drops SpongeBob, and the crowd surrounding him walks off with annoyance. SpongeBob is left alone and Sandy walks up to him angry]
• Sandy: That wasn't funny, SpongeBob! Y'all had me worried sick! [walks off as Scooter walks towards SpongeBob and looks at him sadly]
• Scooter: [shakes his head] Dude... [walks off. Ripping transition to a dressing tent, with SpongeBob inside]
• SpongeBob: [thinking] Come on, SpongeBob, you're losing them! Think! Your public's waiting. [speaking] Let's see... [checking them off a list] "Lifting weights - big laugh," "Frisbee in face - kills," "Surfing - knocks 'em dead," "Pretending to drown," [uses his pencil to write the word "NO" and circle it] No. Come on, think! I got it! Hey, everybody! [runs out of the dressing tent] Not ripped pants! [tears his pants off] Pants ripped off. Huh? Someone call the police. There's a pants thief on the loose! [the wind howls, SpongeBob standing alone on the beach. A tumbleweed rolls by. SpongeBob turns and hears party music at a distance, and sees Larry and Sandy playing volleyball] Oh, no, everybody's gone, even Sandy. She'd rather hang out with Larry! Oh, no. [lies on the beach as he continues saying, no] We blew it, pants. [throws his pants aside]
• Pants: What do you mean, "we?" [the pants walk off, leaving SpongeBob alone]
• SpongeBob: Oh, I didn't have to be a fool to get Sandy's attention. Am I the biggest loser on the beach?! [Incidental 22 walks up to SpongeBob, shining red]
• Incidental 22: No, I am. I forgot to put on sunscreen. [places a fin on herself, and it leaves a sounding mark, which vanishes]
• SpongeBob: Ouch. [a fish walks up to the two]
• Loser 2: No, I am. I got sand in my buns. [shows them two sandy hamburger buns. There is a rumbling coming from the sand and a whale pops his head out of the sand]
• Loser 3: No, I'm the biggest loser on the beach. They buried me in the sand and forgot me.
• All: What happened to you?
• SpongeBob: I lost my best friend.
• All: How? [SpongeBob grabs a sand guitar and sings he is front of the sand castle and a sand telephone he built earlier]
• SpongeBob: When I ripped... [his underwear starts ripping] my pants. [starts to sing] I thought that I had everybody by my side, but I went and blew it all sky-high, and now she won't even spare a passing glance… [a curtain comes down and a spotlight shines on SpongeBob] …all just because I… [rips his underwear again] …ripped my pants. [the other three "losers of the beach" assemble on a sand stage with sand instruments and sing]
• All: ♪When big Larry came round just to put him down, SpongeBob turned into a clown, and no girl ever wants to dance with a fool who went and [Incidental 22 turns around and suddenly, her bottom then rips, splitting open, revealing her white underwear] ripped his pants!♪
• SpongeBob: [singing voice, a crowd begins to gather] ♪I know I shouldn't mope around, I shouldn't curse, but the pain feels so much worse. 'Cause winding up with no one is a lot less fun than a burn from the sun...♪
• All: ♪Or sand in your buns!♪ [instrumental break. The loser scrapes the two buns together to make a rhythm then the curtain shows waves crashing about]
• SpongeBob: ♪Now I learned a lesson I won't soon forget... so listen and you won't regret. Be true to yourself; don't miss your chance... and you won't end up like the fool... who... ripped... his... pants!♪ [the whole group comes together one by one in sync with the music and they rip their pants. By now, a huge crowd has gathered and is cheering the group onstage. A blimp flies by with SpongeBob's name on it. It's revealed that SpongeBob and his band were having a concert.]
• Sandy: SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: Sandy! [she gets onstage and hugs SpongeBob. He returns the embrace]
• Sandy: Your song is true. If y'all want to be my friend, just be yourself. [Larry walks up]
• Larry: [impressed with SpongeBob's singing during the big concert] SpongeBob, that was so righteous. [hands SpongeBob a pencil] Would you... sign my pants?
• SpongeBob: Absolutely, buddy. [SpongeBob bends down to sign Larry's pants. His underwear then rips off completely, leaving SpongeBob "au naturel." Someone off-screen whistles. SpongeBob covers his crotch, grins, and blushes sheepishly, ending the episode.]