Pizza Delivery/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Pizza Delivery" from season 1, which aired on August 14, 1999.

[The episode begins at nighttime at the Krusty Krab with SpongeBob cleaning a table.]
Squidward: Hurry up with those chairs, SpongeBob. It's after closing and I'd like to go home!
[phone rings]
SpongeBob: I got it, I got it! Coming! [leaps for the phone, but Squidward answers it first. SpongeBob falls to the floor and exclaims]
Squidward: Hello? Sorry, sir, we're closed... [Mr. Krabs snatches phone]
Mr. Krabs: Ahoy, there, Krusty Krab. How could I help you? [customer explains order over phone] Pizza? Mmm… [eyes turn into dollar signs] Of course we have pizza.
Squidward: Uh, Mr. Krabs...
Mr. Krabs: Our delivery squid will bring it right over. [hangs up, the customer's gibberish continues but gets cut off]
Squidward: But Mr. Krabs, we don't serve pizzas. [Mr. Krabs gets a plate of Krabby Patties and smashes them into a pizza. Then he puts it in a box] We don't deliver.
Mr. Krabs: We don't deliver, [gives Squidward the pizza] but you do.
Squidward: Can't you just get SpongeBob to do it?
Mr. Krabs: Great idea! Take him with you. [SpongeBob sneaks over smiling big]
Squidward: That's not what I had in mind!
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob and Squidward near the boat outside the Krusty Krab.]
SpongeBob: Front end... check. Antenna... [touches the boat antenna making it vibrate] check. Bumper... check. Bumper sticker... [bumper sticker says "I Brake For Sea Urchins"] ...check. [uncaps the tire pressure and puts his mouth in it, causing him to inflate like a balloon, and talk in a squeaky, high pitched voice while he is now the size of a giant parade balloon] Tire pressure! [Squidward scared, SpongeBob blows out the rest of the pressure in Squidward's face, returning him to his normal size and voice] ...check. Vehicle inspection complete! We're really making history here, Squidward. That lucky customer is going to get the first Krabby Patty Pizza ever!
Squidward: Good, then you drive. [tosses his hat away]
SpongeBob: I can't. I'm still in Boating School.
Squidward: Come on, SpongeBob. It's just around the corner.
SpongeBob: Well, yeah, but...
Squidward: Just do what you do in school.
SpongeBob: Well, okay. Wait, don't tell me.
Squidward: Back it up.
SpongeBob: Huh?
Squidward: Back... it up.
SpongeBob: Right, back... it up. [tries to move the stick shift down]
Squidward: Back it up!
SpongeBob: Okay, okay!
Squidward: Shift into reverse, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Reverse? Oh, yeah, reverse. [SpongeBob imagines the words "FORWARD" and "REVERSE" turning into Korean writing, 앞으로가 (FORWARD) and 뒤로가 (REVERSE)]
Squidward: Back it up!
SpongeBob: [shifts gears] Backing up! Backing up! [boat backs up really fast]
Squidward: [tries to get the wheel] Gimme the wheel, SpongeBob. Give me the wheel!
SpongeBob: Backing up! Backing up! Ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-ack-i-i-i-i-i-ng up! [They go over a bumpy area with rocks and then they spin around and around and around, screaming. The scene fades into the next morning, as the boat goes over five hills.] Backing up! Backing up! Backing up! Backing up! [boat stops with no fuel left] Backing up.
Squidward: Well... you backed up. And you know what? I think we're out of gas. And you know what else? [echoing] We're in the middle of nowhere!
SpongeBob: And you know what else else? I think the pizza's getting cold.
Squidward: [sarcastically startled] And the pizza's cold? Oh, the pizza's cold! Not the pizza! Oh, how could this get any worse?! [kicks boat in frustration and the boat's gasoline becomes full again and it drives away into the distance without them]
SpongeBob: Well, we can still deliver it on foot.
[Squidward narrows his eyes. Later, both walk on the sand]
Squidward: Ow, ow, ow.
SpongeBob: [singing] ♪ The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza for you and me. The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza... ♪
Squidward: And my feet are killing me. Whoa! [trips over SpongeBob, who is lying on the ground] SpongeBob? What are you doing?
SpongeBob: [rubbing the ground] It's an old pioneer trick. I saw it in a movie once.
Squidward: SpongeBob, this is no time for...
SpongeBob: Shh, shh, shh. It's working.
Squidward: What is it?
SpongeBob: [pointing to the road] Truck! Sixteen wheels. Now I can show you how the pioneers hitchhike. [starts dancing in the road while wearing a hat] Whee... eee... [Squidward sits on a rock while playing with a wooden spoon]
Swordfish trucker: Thrashin' frashin' break dancers! [honks his truck horn]
Squidward: He's stopping! He's stopping! [Squidward realizes he's not stopping and grabs SpongeBob out of the way where they are covered in sand thanks to the truck. Squidward narrows his eyes at the smiling SpongeBob]
[The scene cuts to SpongeBob and Squidward resuming walking, despite heavy winds.]
SpongeBob: ♪ The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza for you and me. The Krusty Krab pizza... ♪ [the wind blows on Squidward's nose making it touch his face so he puts it down, only for it to touch his face again so he puts it in his mouth] ♪ ...is the pizza free delivery. The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza very ta-asty. ♪ [SpongeBob gets carried around in the air by the huge winds] Whoa!
Squidward: Will you let go of that stupid pizza, already?!
SpongeBob: [still being carried around in the air] I can't, it's for the customer!
Squidward: Who cares about the customer?!
SpongeBob: I do!
Squidward: Well, I don't!
SpongeBob: [wind stops and SpongeBob gasps] Squidward! [starts flying again]
Squidward: Let go of that pizza!
SpongeBob: No! [runs over Squidward]
Squidward: Ow! [holding SpongeBob's legs] SpongeBob, let go of the pizza!
SpongeBob: No! It's for the customer.
Squidward: SpongeBob! [they catch sight of a tornado nearby] Let go of the pizza! [gets lifted up into the tornado]
SpongeBob: No!
Squidward: SpongeBob! [looks down and screams] Hang onto the pizza! [The tornado spits them both out, and both scream while falling down. SpongeBob uses the pizza as a parachute but Squidward falls hard onto the ground] Hey! Hey! [crawls up to the screen] Where's the road? Where's the road? [a tumbleweed rolls by] We're doomed! How are we gonna get home, which way do we go? [SpongeBob lands] What are we gonna do now? There's no road here!
SpongeBob: I think town's this way. [points]
Squidward: Oh, don't tell me, Jethro. The pioneers?
SpongeBob: That's right. [points to a mossy rock] Moss always points to civilization.
Squidward: That way? That way there? [SpongeBob nods] So, let me get this straight... you think that we should go that way?
SpongeBob: [nods again] Yep.
Squidward: Well, then I'm going this way. [heads the other way]
SpongeBob: Huh? Squid, wait! I don't think...
Squidward: Trust me, I know where I'm going. [Pans out to show another city in the other direction]
SpongeBob: [sings] The Krusty Krab pizza is the pizza, absolutivally. [later] pizza... [starts beatboxing] pizza... [later, SpongeBob is walking backwards. SpongeBob's pants almost split into two and move up and down simultaneously while he continues to beatbox. Later, SpongeBob sings with blues-rock soul] Krusty-Kra-aa-aa-yaaa-yeah pizza is the pizza, yeah, for you and [falsetto] me-eee-hee-hee-hee! [Later, SpongeBob and Squidward are weary looking and the former sings exhaustingly] Krab Pizza... for you. Krus... the Krusshy and the... Krab... pizza... [Later, they are both lying face down in the sand]
Squidward: Sponge, we gotta eat something.
SpongeBob: I heard in times of hardship, the pioneers would eat coral.
[Squidward eats some coral]
SpongeBob: No, maybe it wasn't coral.
[Squidward spits out the coral]
SpongeBob: Maybe it was sand. No, no, mud.
Squidward: Give me the pizza!
SpongeBob: Wait, I remember now! It was coral!
Squidward: Give it to me!
SpongeBob: No, we promised it's for the customer.
Squidward: [fancy music plays] You're right. It's for the customer.
SpongeBob: Yeah!
Squidward: Maybe we better check on it, make sure it's okay.
SpongeBob: Well?
Squidward: Just a peek. [opens box]
SpongeBob: [he shuts it quickly] Okay, it's fine.
Squidward: No, I think I saw something. [opens box] Oh, no. I was wrong. Looks okay. Sure is a fine-looking pizza.
SpongeBob: [entranced] Yeah...
Squidward: What's that? Is that the cheese?
SpongeBob: Yeah...
Squidward: And the pepperoni?
SpongeBob: Yeah...
Squidward: [SpongeBob slurps] Oh, looks good, huh?
SpongeBob: [snaps out of it] Wait a second! I know what you're trying to do, Squidward! [closes box] I'm not letting you eat the pizza!
Squidward: Give me the pizza!
SpongeBob: No!
Squidward: Don't make me take it away from you, SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: Get away! [runs off]
Squidward: [chases SpongeBob] Get back here, SpongeBob! Give me the pizza!
SpongeBob: No!
Squidward: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: No!
Squidward: SpongeBob!
SpongeBob: No!
Squidward: Wait... [he becomes too tired to run]
SpongeBob: No! No! [runs into Squidward]
Squidward: I want that pizza and you're gonna hand it over one way or another!
SpongeBob: Look, we're saved!
Squidward: Sure, we're saved. Now give me some pizza!
SpongeBob: No, really, Squid, we're saved! We're saved! We're saved! [he jumps in and out of his pants]
Squidward: Will you cut that out?!
SpongeBob: [to a conga beat, doing a backflip and some push-ups] Saved, saved, saved, saved! [rips himself apart then the two parts go in circles and then they connect again] Saved, saved, saved, saved! Saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved! [SpongeBob starts doing a conga dance] Saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved! Saved, saved, saved, saved, saved, saved! Yes, we are saved!
Squidward: That's just a stupid boulder!
SpongeBob: It's not just a boulder. [sniff] It's a rock. [cries and hugs the boulder] A rock! A rock! It's a big beautiful, old rock. [climbs up it and rubs it] Oh, the pioneers used to ride these babies for miles, and it's in great shape.
Squidward: SpongeBob, will you forget the stupid pioneers?! Have you ever noticed that there are none of them left? That's because they were lousy hitchhikers, ate coral and took directions from algae! And now, you're telling me they thought they could drive... [SpongeBob runs over Squidward with the boulder] ...rocks? Hold on there, Jethro!
SpongeBob: [they stop outside the customer's house] I can't wait to see the look on our customer's face! [rings doorbell, gives a thumbs-up to Squidward]
Customer: Yeah?
SpongeBob: Congratulations, sir. Your Krabby Patty pizza is here!
Customer: Wow, thanks! I've been dyin' for one of these. It... [he frowns, brief pause] Where's my drink?
SpongeBob: [confused] What drink?
Customer: [in an angry tone] My drink? My diet Dr. Kelp? Don't tell me you forgot my drink!
SpongeBob: [checks through the order, and sees no drink listed.] But, you didn't order any...
Customer: [yelling furiously] How am I supposed to eat this pizza without my drink?!
SpongeBob: But... but... [tears start rolling down his face]
Customer: Didn't you ever once think of the customer?! [throws the pizza box at SpongeBob's face] You call yourself a delivery boy?! Well, I ain't buyin'! [slams the door. SpongeBob goes over to Squidward, smiling and trying not to cry]
Squidward: Sponge? [hops off the rock to console SpongeBob] Sponge? It's okay. Sponge? [Squidward tries to ask SpongeBob what's wrong, but SpongeBob drops the pizza, falls over, starts sobbing and absorbs his tears over and over. Squidward points at him still trying to say something to him] Sponge? [SpongeBob is still crying. This makes Squidward become furious at the customer. He grabs the pizza, marches towards his house and pounds on the house's door]
Customer: [answers the door, still angry] Another one?! Look, I told your little friend I ain't payin' for that!
Squidward: [customer's point of view] Well, this one's on the house! [slams the pizza box in the customer's face]
SpongeBob: [about to stop crying, but still in tears and lying on the ground] Did he change his mind?
Squidward: [smugly] He sure did. [SpongeBob stops crying and cheers up] Ate the whole thing in one bite.
SpongeBob: [smiles and gets up] No drink?
Squidward: Nah. Now take me home. [both jump up on the rock]
SpongeBob: Are you kidding? We have just enough time to make it back to work! [backs up the rock where they are instantly at the Krusty Krab]
Squidward: Work? [screen cuts to black] Oh, my aching tentacles!