This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Pickles" from season 1, which aired on August 21, 1999.

• [The episode begins at the Krusty Krab. Begins with an exterior shot. Cuts to an interior shot of Squidward taking an order for Incidental 31.]
• Squidward: Welcome to the Krusty Krab. My name is Squidward. May I take your order?
• Incidental 31: Hmmm... uhh... oh, I'll have a, uh... [Squidward takes out a pencil and a paper] ...no. [Squidward puts the pencil and the paper away] Oh, maybe... [Squidward takes out the pencil and the paper again] ...no. [Squidward puts the pencil and the paper away again] Hmmm... I'll have... [Squidward takes out the pencil and the paper again] ...no. Or maybe...
• Squidward: Are you planning on ordering today, sir?
• Incidental 31: I'll have a... Krabby Patty.
• Squidward: [writing down the order] How original.
• Incidental 31: And with extra onions.
• Squidward: Daring today, aren't we? [takes the order and shows it to SpongeBob] One Krabby Patty, extra onions.
• [SpongeBob takes the piece of paper and puts it with the rest of the orders.]
• SpongeBob: One cryin' Johnny comin' up! [cracks his knuckles, then adds each ingredient as mentioned] First bun, then patty, followed by ketchup, mustard, pickles, extra onions, lettuce, cheese, tomatoes, and bun, in that order. One cryin' Johnny! Up! [rings the bell]
• Squidward: Whatever. [Incidental 5 comes up and tells him what he wants and Squidward relays the order to SpongeBob] Twelve Krabby Patties on wheat buns! [SpongeBob takes a plate and patties begin to appear on the plate]
• SpongeBob: [at rapid speed] Bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun, bun, patty, ketchup, tomato, bun. [at normal speed] One dozen cryin' cows on the farm! Up! [Squidward takes the plate]
• Squidward: Thanks, Farmer Brown. [gives the plate to Incidental 5] It's been a thrill serving you.
• Incidental 5: Can I get some extra salt?
• Squidward: We're all out.
• Incidental 5: Could you check?
• Squidward: No. [Incidental 5 glares at him as he leaves. A giant chubby olive-green fish walks up to order] Let me guess, tiny, a small salad?
• Bubble Bass: [Squidward starts to write it down] I'll take a Double Triple Bossy Deluxe on a raft, four by four, animal-style, extra shingles [Squidward stops writing and looks at him] with a shimmy and a squeeze, light axle grease, make it cry, burn it, and let it swim. [Squidward gives up writing all of it down and still looks at Bubble Bass]
• Squidward: We serve food here, sir.
• SpongeBob: [with the order done] I got it already, Squidward. [gasps upon seeing Bubble Bass] Bubble Bass!
• Bubble Bass: [pushes Squidward away] SquarePants! [walks to SpongeBob] I hear talk you make a mean Krabby Patty.
• SpongeBob: [staring at Bubble Bass] Yep. I hear talk you're kinda picky.
• Bubble Bass: Yep.
• SpongeBob: Well then... here ya go! [Bubble Bass takes the plate and sits down where he examines the Krabby Patty until he decides to take a bite] Well, Bubble Bass, whaddaya think?
• Bubble Bass: This is pretty good. Only one thing. You forgot the pickles! [shows no pickles on the patty. The crowd gasps]
• SpongeBob: No!
• Bubble Bass: The best there is? I don't think so. You lose! [laughs]
• SpongeBob: [checks the patty for pickles] But, the pickles should be right where they always are. I know I put them on! [the customers are disappointed. SpongeBob tears the patty apart, searching for the pickles] Where are those pickles? Pickles? Pickles? Pickles? [Bubble Bass walks up to Mr. Krabs, and throws Squidward out of the way again]
• Bubble Bass: I believe you owe me two bucks.
• Mr. Krabs: Two bucks?!
• Bubble Bass: Your guarantee. [points to the menu where in tiny print it says 'money back guarantee']
• Mr. Krabs: Oh. That. Well, can't we talk about this? [takes out two dollars and Bubble Bass grabs it]
• Bubble Bass: No.
• Mr. Krabs: [pulls the money back] How about a discount on restroom tokens? [Bubble Bass takes the money]
• Bubble Bass: Afraid not.
• Mr. Krabs: How's about a [Bubble Bass starts walking away but Mr. Krabs holds onto his dollar] free glass of water? A dozen free glasses of water! I'll even put ice in it! [Bubble Bass walks out the Krusty Krab with the money] No! Come back! Two dollars! [sobs] Two dollars, no! No! [walks over to SpongeBob]
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I know I put pickles on that Krabby Patty.
• Mr. Krabs: [grabs SpongeBob] That two bucks is comin' out of your paycheck! [SpongeBob tries to hang onto the floor]
• SpongeBob: Wait! Wait! Wait! [Mr. Krabs throws him into the kitchen]
• Mr. Krabs: Get back to work, we got orders waitin'!
• Squidward: I need a Krabby Patty.
• SpongeBob: [pants] Okay, I am not gonna blow it this time. Let's see. Bun down. Then ketchup, then mustard, then... pickles? No, that's not right! [starts a new patty] Bun down. Mustard, then ketchup, lettuce, then the... pickles? No. [tries again] Mustard down, bun soft down, d'oh, where's the patty go? [tries again and uses the same bun] Pickles, ketchup, wait! D'oh, think! Think! I'm losin' it! [tries again] Bun down, shoe, mustard, pan, bun, no! [Mr. Krabs comes in] Mr. Krabs, I am so confused. I can't remember how to do anything.
• Mr. Krabs: Why don't you take the rest of the day off?
• SpongeBob: Oh, no, Mr. Krabs. Who will make the Krabby Patties?
• Mr. Krabs: Oh, don't worry about that. We've got Squidward!
• Squidward: Huh? What? [SpongeBob walks out and tries to leave]
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs is right. I need to get my head straight. Now is it bun, patty, ketchup... [looks up and notices the door is not there] The door! The door! Mr. Krabs, the front door is missing! [Mr. Krabs opens the door a couple feet away] Oh. [laughs] Sorry about that, Mr. Krabs. This pickle thing has got my head all messed up. I better get on home and rest my brain. [walks out, but walks back in] Uhh, which way do I live? [Mr. Krabs points the path] Of course. [laughs, and closes the door.]
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob's house. SpongeBob is trying to write down the formula.]
• SpongeBob: No, no! Was it bun, patty, bun... Let's see, tomato, pickle, bun? No. Bun? No. Bun? No shoe. [throws the paper and pencil away] I am so confused! Maybe a good night's sleep will help me get my head on straight.
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob's bedroom that night.]
• SpongeBob: Oh... was it mattress, mattress, sheets, pillow, then... SpongeBob? Or... [hits his head with his fist] D'oh... think, Sponge! Oh yeah! It was mattress, SpongeBob, mattress, then sheets, pillow. [gets in between the two mattresses] Good night, Gary.
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Aw, this isn't right. [slips out and stands upside-down on his bed] Good night, Gary.
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Wait, this isn't right either. [lays down on his back] Nope. [he is between each railing of the ladder] Nuh-uh. [tries sleeping with a mattress on his head] Negative. [tries sleeping on the ground next to his mattresses] C'mon, c'mon! Get it right. [tries in the lifesaver] Wrong. Wrong! Wrong! Nope! Nah! Negatory! Nyet! [keeps doing the wrong things as the clock fast-forwards to morning and the rooster crows where the alarm goes off. SpongeBob is on the floor under his bed] Aww, I almost had it! Alarm clock. D'oh, how do I turn this thing off? Think, think, think, think!
• Gary: Meow.
• SpongeBob: Gary! [picks up Gary and shoves him in the foghorn alarm with dolphin noise where it is still going off with a squeak]
• [Bubble transition back to the Krusty Krab, where there is black smoke coming from the kitchen. Squidward wearing a cooking apron coughs loudly, and clears the smoke off with a fire extinguisher.]
• Squidward: Patties are done. [Mr. Krabs notices black, burnt patties and gets irritated]
• Mr. Krabs: Urrgh! [turns backwards from the counter after hearing customers starting to complain]
• Incidental 30: Hey, he burnt my Krabby Patty. [his patty is burnt]
• Incidental 63: He burnt my fries! [the burnt fries are piled up]
• Incidental 65: [briefly drinks his burnt shake] He burnt my shake.
• All customers: [all yelling and mumbling]
• Mr. Krabs: No! Come back! [sobs] No! No! Arrgh... I gotta get SpongeBob back!
• [Bubble transition back to SpongeBob's house. A toaster is on the front door.]
• Mr. Krabs: [opens the door] SpongeBob?
• [The music playing in reverse; the house is a total disaster as everything is misplaced and things are everywhere and opposite.]
• Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob!
• SpongeBob: [walks into view backwards and is wearing a pair of underwear over his head] Mr. Krabs, hello. Do you how do? (Hello, Mr. Krabs. How do you do?)
• Mr. Krabs: Why you talkin' funny, lad? [takes the underwear off SpongeBob's head]
• SpongeBob: I anything can't do right since because pickles. (Because I can't do anything right since pickles.)
• Mr. Krabs: Nonsense, you'll be back makin' Krabby Patties like your old self in no time!
• SpongeBob: I think don't ready back to go to work, Mr. Krabs. (I don't think I'm ready to go back to work, Mr. Krabs.) [walks off]
• Mr. Krabs: But you're fine, me boy! [SpongeBob walks right through the wooden kitchen door] Ooh... uhh, well... maybe not. [walks into the kitchen where SpongeBob is nailing a piece of bread to the table] All we need to do is get your confidence back. So you can make me more money! I-I-I mean, uh, patties. [chuckles]
• SpongeBob: I how do that? (How do I do that?)
• Mr. Krabs: It's like riding a bike. You never forget! [notices a bike in a boiling pot of water on the stove] Uhh... um... I'm gonna help ya.
• [Bubble transition to SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs sitting on the floor in SpongeBob's living room.]
• Mr. Krabs: If you learn to make a Krabby Patty again, your life will be back in order. [takes out a blanket with all the ingredients on it]
• SpongeBob: Mr. Krabs, I don't know if I...
• Mr. Krabs: Take your time. [SpongeBob thinks of the Krabby Patty formula. It soon turns to night then day again. SpongeBob reaches for a bun and Mr. Krabs gets excited. SpongeBob puts bun back down]
• SpongeBob: No, no, no, no, no. [day becomes night again. Then day again and then night again. Mr. Krabs is sleeping until SpongeBob wakes him up] I got it! I got it! It's all very clear to me now, Mr. Krabs!
• Mr. Krabs: It is?
• SpongeBob: Yes! I finally realize that [angry] I can't do it! I can't do it, Mr. Krabs! I'm a failure!
• Mr. Krabs: Don't talk like that.
• SpongeBob: Don't you get it, you crustaceous cheapskate!? I can't make a Double Krabby Patty with the works! [makes the patty as he tells Mr. Krabs the ingredients] I can't put a patty on a bun, with lettuce, cheese, onions, tomatoes, ketchup, mustard, pickles, and top bun together in that order! [realizes that he just put the patty together in the right order, which makes Mr. Krabs smirk]
• Mr. Krabs: It's time.
• [The scene cuts to the interior of the Krusty Krab, with black smoke continuing to spread from the kitchen. Mr. Krabs and SpongeBob walk back there. SpongeBob rescues a burnt Squidward from the kitchen and sprays him with the fire extinguisher.]
• Incidental 70: Hey, SpongeBob's back! [customers are cheering]
• Customers: SpongeBob? Aw, the old chef.
• Bubble Bass: [enters the restaurant, shoving the large crowd of people out of his way in the process] I hear SquarePants is back. [SpongeBob opens the kitchen door]
• SpongeBob: I'm right here, Bubble Bass.
• Bubble Bass: I thought I ran you out of town. [spits a loogie into a bucket]
• SpongeBob: This is where I belong. [holds up some bubbles and blows one. Bubble Bass gives a weird sounding roar] Rawr.
• [The crowd gasps. SpongeBob and Bubble Bass glare at each other, while Mr. Krabs is sweating with anticipation.]
• Bubble Bass: Give me the regular, and this time, don't forget the pickles!
• SpongeBob: [rushes into the kitchen and comes back with a Krabby Patty in the blink of an eye] I didn't.
• [Mr. Krabs is violently sweating as Bubble Bass examines and eats the patty. It also cuts to the crowd, then Squidward, then SpongeBob.]
• Bubble Bass: Hmm... Still no pickles! [SpongeBob notices, shocked] See? [sticks out his tongue with all the chewed up food on it. Everyone is disgusted at the sight of it] You failed again, SpongeBob LoserPants!
• [Bubble Bass laughs hysterically; the camera zooms in on his mouth showing his tongue tucked behind his teeth. SpongeBob notices and stares at it for a minute, realizing something.]
• SpongeBob: Wait a minute! [grabs Bubble Bass' tongue and pulls it out] Look! [shows four pickles under Bubble Bass' tongue] He's been hiding the pickles under his tongue the whole time!
• Mr. Krabs: And there's the pickles from last time, too!
• Incidental 45: And there's my car keys! [everyone walks up to Bubble Bass, all glaring at him]
• Bubble Bass: And... there's my ride! [rushes out of the Krusty Krab]
• Mr. Krabs: Three cheers for the return of our master fry cook, SpongeBob! Hip hip...
• All: Hooray!
• Squidward: Hooray.
• Mr. Krabs: Hip hip...
• All: Hooray!
• Squidward: Whoop-de-doo.
• Mr. Krabs: Hip hip...
• All: Hooray!
• Squidward: Oh, boy.
• SpongeBob: And three cheers for the fry cook who took my place when I was gone: Squidward! [Squidward smiles] Hip hip...
• All: Boo! [Squidward is shocked and frowns. The frown becomes more droopier with each "Boo"]
• SpongeBob: Hip hip...
• All: Boo! [cuts to an outside shot of the Krusty Krab]
• SpongeBob: Hip hip...
• All: Boo!
• SpongeBob: Hip hip...
• Customer: Boo! You stink! [the episode ends]