Pet or Pests/transcript

This article is a transcript of the SpongeBob SquarePants episode "Pet or Pests" from season 6, which aired on March 18, 2009.

Patrick: Okay, SpongeBob! It's your turn! I'm ready!
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick! Here I come! [runs and leaps over Patrick]
Patrick: Nice landing! [rolls, leaps and lands on his head and hands] Darn, I missed. SpongeBob, look out for my body! [They both fall off a mountain and land on a nest.]
SpongeBob: Patrick, maybe we should play something that involves less thinking.
Patrick: Okay.
SpongeBob: Hey! Maybe we can play a game with this ball that was buried under here!
Patrick: Ball! Let me see it! [a ball turns itself into a worm] What a weird ball.
SpongeBob: Well, who knows how long it... Ah! Mother of Neptune! Get away from me! Get away from me!
Patrick: There's nothing to be afraid of, SpongeBob. It's just a little worm. See?
SpongeBob: You're right, Patrick. I'm sorry we destroyed your nest, little worm. I promise it won't happen again. [Mrs. Wormsley rubs her head on SpongeBob's hand] Look, Patrick!
Patrick: Looks like he's taking a fancy to you.
SpongeBob: Yeah. Hey! Why don't we invite Mr. Wormsley to stay at my place? At least until his nest grows back.
Patrick: That sounds delightful! [cuts to scene where SpongeBob and Patrick arrive at SpongeBob's place.]
SpongeBob: Gary! [knocks the door] Make yourself descent. [laughs] You have a visitor. [Gary went to sleep, then wakes up.] Gary, wake up. [opens the door, whispered] That's right, just bring in here. Careful, careful now. That's right.
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: Oh, hi, Gary, are you ready to meet your new friend?
Gary: Meow.
SpongeBob: That's right, say hello to Mr. Wormsley. [shows Mrs. Wormsley, then Gary hissed at her and Mrs. Wormsley barks at him, they start to growl at each other.]
Patrick: Something tells me they don't like each other.
SpongeBob: Come on, now. Guys, come on. Let's touch soft spots in a friendly manner. See? You're just saying hi. That's right. There you go, that's it. Oh, I knew you could get along. There, there you go. See? Friends. [Gary sticks to SpongeBob in fright and meows scaredly.] Oh, my goodness! Patrick, oh! Oh, Patrick, please do something! [screams]
Patrick: Uh, SpongeBob, I gotta get going. See you later now.
SpongeBob: Okay, Patrick, see you later then. [SpongeBob resumes screaming] Oh, get it off me! Somebody, please! Please!
[Cut to the scene tonight]
SpongeBob: All right, Gary, just so there isn't more upset, I'm gonna ask that you sleep on the guest newspaper tonight, and Mr. Wormsley is going to be sleeping in here with me. [Gary growls at Mrs. Wormsley. SpongeBob picks him up.] Now, now, Gary, there's no need for protest. [SpongeBob opens the door. And turns on the lights.] See? I set it all nice just for you. There you are. [SpongeBob leaves.] Night, Gare. [SpongeBob closes the door.]
Gary: Meow.
[Cut to the scene next morning. SpongeBob is seen sleeping. Then, he wakes up because of some howling.]
SpongeBob: Oh, sounds like Patrick is having one of his night fits again. I'll just close the window. [still hears some howling] Mr. Wormsley! [SpongeBob takes off the newspaper revealing Mrs. Wormsley howling, and a big belly, meaning she's giving birth.] Whoa! I'm gonna go get help. Whatever's wrong with you, don't move! Just, uh, read the sports section or something.
[Cut to the scene later with Patrick.]
SpongeBob: He's in here. [Patrick enters the door] No, I can't look!
Patrick: SpongeBob.
SpongeBob: Yes?
Patrick: Something tells me Mr. Wormsley is actually a Mrs. Wormsley. [SpongeBob stares in a shocked silence and Patrick shows baby worms]
SpongeBob: Oh, Patrick, it's a miracle!
Patrick: That it is.
SpongeBob: Wait 'til Gary sees.
Patrick: Yeah! Wait 'til...
SpongeBob: See, Gare? Right in here. They're gone asleep.
[Mrs. Wormley and Gary are growling at each other again.]
Patrick: Looks like they still aren't quite used to each other.
SpongeBob: Well, these things take time.
[Gary and Mrs. Wormsley get into a fight very quickly.]
SpongeBob and Patrick: Duck and cover! [They both hide behind the bed. SpongeBob pops his head up a little bit, as well as Patrick, until Gary and Mrs. Wormsley both arrive close and they both duck behind the bed again. Gary and Mrs. Wormsley get outside of SpongeBob's house]
Patrick: This town is getting too rough for me.
[We're outside. Gary and Mrs. Wormsley are still having a fight, until they climb up on a hill.]
Gary: [chases Mrs. Wormsley away furiously] Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow, meow!
[Mrs. Wormsley arrives at a bus stop. The bus comes and picks her up. Gary heads back.]
SpongeBob: He's chased her away. Now who will care for her abandoned litter of adorable newborn infants?
Patrick: Well, maybe you could take care of them.
SpongeBob: Oh, no way, Patrick. I've never seen Gary that upset.
Patrick: Ga... who?
SpongeBob: Nope, you and I are just gonna have to find loving homes for each and every one of these little guys. Right, Patrick? [door slams] Patrick? [Patrick is gone. Cut to SpongeBob at Squidward's house] Don't worry, little guys. Squidward is a really good friend of mine, and he really likes pets.
Squidward: [opens door, yawning] SpongeBob, what are you doing here? Don't you know that it's 7:00 in the morning?
SpongeBob: Squidward, I came over with a very special surprise.
Squidward: Don't you know that it's 7:00 in the morning?
SpongeBob: How would you like to have your very own pet baby worms?
Squidward: Don't you know that it's 7:00 in the... [interrupts himself] baby what?
SpongeBob: Baby worms. See? Aren't they just adorable at that age?
Squidward: [glances into the box holding the worms. One oozes green glistening slime on Squidward's face]
SpongeBob: So, how many did you want? [Squidward shuts the door in SpongeBob's face. Cut to Mrs. Puff's house, where SpongeBob presses the doorbell]
Mrs. Puff: Yes? Oh, it's you, SpongeBob. What are you, uh, doing here? [laughs] And not that the teacher's most enthusiastic student isn't welcome in her house. [notices SpongeBob still ringing the doorbell and sighs. SpongeBob looks down at the ground and finally lets go of the doorbell.]
SpongeBob: Good morning, Mrs. Puff.
Mrs. Puff: It almost was.
SpongeBob: Would you like a baby worm?
Mrs. Puff: A what? [screams. Inflates her body to break some of her house in pieces]
SpongeBob: Uh, I'll just come back later, Mrs. Puff. Have a nice day!
Mrs. Puff: [house collapses] I hate Mondays.
SpongeBob: Don't worry, little worms. I know a place where we can find go to find homes for every single one of you. [cuts to supermarket] Good morning, ma'am. How are you today? Could I interest you in some... [lady just keeps walking] Ma'am? [Larry comes out of the Supermarket whistling] That whistling. It's Larry Lobster! Hi, Larry, what are you up to?
Larry: Do I know you?
SpongeBob: Probably not.
Larry: I was just picking up some dietary supplements here at the supermarket. I've been working on my chest... and buns.
SpongeBob: So I see.
Larry: Well, catch you later.
SpongeBob: Oh, Larry, wait.
Larry: No time now. Somewhere, there's sand that needs kicking.
SpongeBob: Okay. I was just gonna see if you wanted one of these poor, lonely baby worms.
Larry: Baby worms?
SpongeBob: Well, yeah!
Larry: I'll take them off your hands.
SpongeBob: Really?
Larry: Sure, why not? That's just what the nutritionist ordered: raw protein! [is about to eat the worms]
SpongeBob: Larry, no! [jumps into Larry's stomach, knocking him down and sending the box flying]
Larry: Dude, nice hustle.
[The box lands in the middle of an intersection, with an 18-wheeler headed straight for it. SpongeBob lets out a bloodcurdling scream, flails his arms and babbles incoherently. Larry launches SpongeBob into the air with his abs and he lands on the hood of the truck. He slides down, pulls the vent apart, and crawls inside. He pulls out three plugs, then peeks outside. The truck is still going. Then he notices a loose screw. He unscrews it completely with a wrench, causing the engine to fall out of the bottom of the truck and the truck to stop completely, in the nick of time.]
SpongeBob: Oh, little wormies, I'm so glad you're safe. Now let's go see about finding you those homes I promised. [the phone rings] Hello?
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, it's Mr. Krabs. I've been looking all over for you. You're three hours late for work! [SpongeBob screams] Hello?
SpongeBob: [runs into the Krusty Krab out of breath] I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs, I came as fast as I could--
Mr. Krabs: SpongeBob, are you sure you're feeling shipshape?
SpongeBob: [pants] I'm sorry, Mr. Krabs. My pet worm had babies and got chased away. Now I've got to find them all a place to live.
Mr. Krabs: Babies?
SpongeBob: Yeah.
Mr. Krabs: Let me see.
SpongeBob: Really?
Mr. Krabs: Yeah, come on, let me see them. I like babies.
SpongeBob: Well, okay.
Mr. Krabs: [in baby talk] Hey there, little critters. [looks inside the box] Come to... [one of the worms spits green bile onto his face]
SpongeBob: Oh, he likes you.
Mr. Krabs: [very angry] Get that disgusting vermin out of me restaurant, pronto! [SpongeBob is shocked by this reaction, and runs out of the Krusty Krab sobbing] Blech! [bubble transition to the back of the Krusty Krab]
SpongeBob: [inside a garbage can with the worms, depressed] Oh, well. At least I still have you guys. [gets sprayed on by the worms as a garbage truck drives up and stops]
Garbage Fish #1: Hmm... [removes some goo from SpongeBob's face with two fingers and sniffs it]
Garbage Fish #2: What is it?
Garbage Fish #1: I'd recognize this goo anywhere. It comes from a baby spotted glistening meadow worm, the rarest of its species.
Garbage Fish #2: Dude, those things are worth a fortune.
Mr. Krabs: Did you say "fortune?" [His eyes show dollar symbols] [later, Mr. Krabs is talking through a megaphone and trying to sell worms] $5.99, that's right. Get them while they last. Don't be shy, folks.
Female fish: These things are so cute! [hands some money to Mr. Krabs and receives back a worm]
SpongeBob: Enjoy your new home, little guy.
Female fish: Isn't he just adorable? [gets sprayed on by her new baby worm. She laughs, the crowd cheers]
SpongeBob: That sure was a great idea you had, Mr. Krabs.
Mr. Krabs: Well, it's like they always say back in the old country, lad.
SpongeBob: What's that?
Mr. Krabs: I don't know. I've never been to the old country! [SpongeBob and Mr. Krabs both laugh, ending the episode]